Always Been Mine

by Adams, Carina

  Matty looked at Will, his face showing pure hatred. “I’ll leave the happy couple to it, then.”

  I stood there, staring after him long after he had disappeared into the hotel. Will had gone to his car, but hadn’t left yet, and I was sure he was waiting for me. I didn’t know what to say, but knew we needed closure. I took a deep breath, still staring at the hotel, wondering how my life had gotten so screwed up.

  “Joey?” His voice was full of questions. What did we do to us? Where do we go from here? Can we ever move passed this? I had all of those and more. But, I didn’t have any answers. I chewed on my bottom lip, contemplating before I faced him.

  I held the surprise in as I looked him over, but knew it must show on my face because Will only chuckled. He was sitting on the hood of his car, one hand holding a blood soaked cloth to his nose, the other braced on his knee. “He packs one helluva punch.”

  I reached out, lifting his chin so I could see his nose. “Is it broken?”

  Will grinned. “Nope. And, I still have all my teeth. See?” He smiled wider, showing me his pearly whites. “Kinda disappointed. How am I supposed to look like I’ve been in a brawl if I don’t have battle wounds?”

  I smiled even though I didn’t mean to. “That wasn’t a brawl. He went easy on you – barely hit you twice.”

  “That’s because of my cat-like reflexes. I was just too quick.” I laughed with him, shaking my head. He reached out, grabbing my hand, and laced his fingers between mine. He searched my face and his eyes rested on my mouth. Without thinking, I stepped forward, settling between his legs, and put my arms around his belly, cheek to his heart.

  He sighed, moving his hand to the back of my head, holding me close. He slid a hand up under my hair, cupping the back of my head in the familiar and comforting way he’d held me to him for years. “Do you know where I’d go if I had a time machine and could go back and change everything?”

  “The end of June?” I deadpanned.

  I felt him shake his head. “Nope. March of my sophomore year.” His thumb stroked at my ear. “We were bickering over something stupid and should have had our first big blow-out, but you shut down.” He smiled. “And I didn’t want you to dump me, so I took you home early instead. All I could think about was how stubborn you were and how I wanted you to yell at me so I could yell back. And then I wanted to carry you to bed, show you how much I loved you, and propose.”

  “What?” I was shocked. “You hated when our friends fought over stupid shit!”

  His thumb continued to move against my hair in a relaxing rhythm. “Couples fight, Joey. They disagree, they yell, they say hateful things. It’s a great way to release frustration. You always shut down, backed away if an argument ever came up with me. But with everyone else, you were so passionate.”

  He sighed. “I was terrified you’d leave me, and I was a kid that loved his girlfriend more than anything else. So I’d go back to that night, have that argument, and then make love to you the rest of the night. I think it would have changed our course.”

  “Why, so you could beat me into submission back then?”

  Sadness crossed his face. “No! Fuck, no.” He looked down. “I am so sorry, Joey! The idea of losing you, of waking up to an empty house for the rest of my life…it kills me. I can’t imagine it.”

  I pulled back, standing up. “Treating me like you have been lately is one hell of a way to make me want to stay!” I glared at him. “How many times did you cheat in college?” It was abrupt, but I needed to know.

  His head snapped up, confusion replacing the shame. “Once. I’m not proud of it Joey, but I’ve made mistakes. There was that one time in school and then....” He sighed, and I knew he was talking about his adorable co-worker. “Rach was…” he stopped. “Rachel wasn’t about sex. I got confused.” He shook his head again. “I thought…” he trailed off, looking away. “I love her.” He shrugged. “I love you more. You're my whole world. I never thought you and Matt… not really. I never imagined you would…”

  He didn’t finish. He didn’t need to. He’d said it before. He didn’t think I’d leave him. The tears burning my eyes made me realize how sad I was, for both of us. “I’m in love with him, Will.”

  “I know. But that doesn’t make me love you any less.” He peered at me. “And, that doesn’t make him any less dangerous.”

  “Jesus, really?” I instantly took another step back, defensive again. “Never once has Matty made me scared of him! Never once has he hurt me. Matty isn’t the dangerous one!”

  Will sighed. “I know that’s what you think, and I respect your opinion…”

  “Oh, shut up!” I interrupted. I couldn’t begin to count how many times I’d heard those words, his way of avoiding an argument. “If you have something to say, just say it!”

  His eyes flashed and a ghost of a smile crossed his lips before his face got serious. “I think there are a lot of things Matty hasn’t told you about his life. He isn’t who you think he is.” He stood before I could say a word. “Here.” He walked to the passenger side and pulled out a thick manila envelope.

  My mouth dropped open as I realized what it was. It couldn’t be. “What is that?” I asked, struggling to find my voice.

  “This,” he held it out to me, “is Matt.”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s a bunch of shit that you paid someone to dredge up about him. Matt’s the man upstairs waiting for me.” I turned, suddenly wondering if he’d been watching us. “He’s the one that kicked your ass in my defense.”

  Will nodded. “Exactly. Take it.” He shook the envelope at me. “I know you Joey.” He held up a hand at my protest. “You may think that I don’t know who you are, but I do. You need to read this so you can decide for yourself if this is the kind of man you want in your life, the kind of man you trust around our kids.”

  “What?” I sneered. I was seething. Matty had been always been part of our children’s lives, and other than Will, there wasn’t a single person I trusted more around them.

  He closed the gap between us, setting the packet in my hands. “I’ve read it and I know who he is. I know you won't like what you find.” He leaned in, soft lips pushed against my temple and turned toward his car.

  "It won't matter, Billy. There is nothing in here that he hasn’t told me, nothing that would change my mind about him.” I’m still leaving you, not matter what that packet says.

  He stopped, head looking over his shoulder, back at me. “Fine. Then read it and stay with him. And, we’ll let the court decide who gets the kids.”

  Twenty Seven

  “Jo?” I jumped. Closing my eyes for a brief second, I reopened them to find my computer screen much less fuzzy. I sighed. My eyes weren’t the only thing tired. Matty and I had spent the early evening moving my things and then unpacking me at his, no—our, house and then we’d sat on the sun porch and talked half the night. Well, we’d talked for a few minutes. I smiled at the memory of his body holding mine against the wall as he moaned my name when he found his release. I turned to my visitor, smile still in place.

  Teagan looked uncomfortable and worried. I raised both eyebrows. “Everything ok?”

  She shook her head. Looking around quickly to make sure no one could hear her, she moved over to my chair. “I heard a vicious rumor.”

  I laughed at her seriousness. “I told you T, there is no way in hell shoulder pads are coming back! Look at these things,” I rolled my shoulders forward, “they cannot handle that craze again!”

  The giggle died on my lips when she didn’t even smile. “Teagan, what’s wrong?” My heart started beating faster as I leaned forward, anticipating what she was going to say.

  She turned, grabbed Matty’s empty chair and slid it over to me before sitting down. Bracing her hands just above her knees, she leaned close so only I could make out the whispered words. “Are you sleeping with Matt?”

  My breath caught. Teagan never called him Matt. He had always been Biker Boy or Party Prince
to her, so I knew she was angry. I wet my bottom lip before scraping my teeth along it and pulling it into my mouth. The answer wasn’t simple, especially for her. She wasn’t just my friend, she was the friend that had been decimated by a cheating husband. Plus, she was a co-worker; we weren’t ready to go public yet. However, that bullshit monitor of hers wouldn’t allow a lie.

  I shrugged. “It’s complicated.” She raised a mahogany eyebrow. “Fine.” I took a deep breath, met her pale green eyes, and told the truth. “Yes. I moved in with him.” I didn’t mention that the living arrangement happened just yesterday, knowing the timeline didn’t matter.

  Teagan turned her head, but didn’t break my stare, and drew in a long breath. I knew that she was debating what to say. I didn’t wait for her to ask the questions. “Will and I separated legally earlier in the summer. He moved on. Matty and I decided to see if we could work a few weeks ago.”

  “I get it.” She nodded. “I do. It’s Matty. The two of you…,” she broke off as her eyes moved from mine to the picture of Matty and I hugging and laughing at the camera. I knew that would be the general consensus around the office. People had wondered about us for years, many assumed that we’d had an affair already, and most wouldn’t be surprised that we were together now.

  She leaned forward, putting a hand on my knee, green eyes searching mine intently. “Jo. I need you to promise me you will think about giving your marriage more time.” Her words surprised me, and I frowned at her. “Take it from me, it’s easy to be mad, to throw a marriage away, but I can promise you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering if it was a mistake. Always chose your marriage. Always.”

  I tipped my head, trying to find the right words. “This isn’t about Matty at all.” I smiled. “He’s my best friend, and I love being with him, but even if you take him out of the picture, Will and I are still done.” I sat back, shaking my head. “I still adore him, T. But if I stay with him any longer, I’m going to resent him. And one day, sooner than later, I’m going to hate him. I would rather end it now and be able to parent with someone I like, than wait it out and spend the rest of my life fighting through my children.”

  Her eyes sparked, but she merely offered me a small smile. “You know I love you and will support whatever decision you make, but I just want you to think about it.”

  I didn’t know what to say. She tapped my knee in a loving, motherly fashion and gave me another small smile as she stood and left. I turned back to my desk, staring at a picture of Will and me from college. The lack of emotion I felt when I saw him smiling down at me surprised me. Teagan was wrong. The only thing I’d regret is not leaving months ago.

  **********

  The next few days moved quickly as Matty and I tried to find a balance between our new life and the old. We hadn’t talked about what happened in the parking lot. When I’d walked back into my hotel room, I’d discovered he’d packed the rest of my things and was waiting to load the cars. I didn’t miss the look of relief on his face when I smiled up at him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about the envelope from Will.

  We spent all of our free time adjusting to life as a living-together couple. It was the little things that we’d never known about the other that caused some laughing arguments. He left his dirty socks all over our bedroom and never changed the toilet paper roll when it was empty. I kicked off my shoes when I walked in the door and could never remember where they were or where the cover to the toothpaste went. Getting to wake up every morning to his scruffy chin nuzzling my neck and going to sleep every night with his arms wrapped tightly around me was worth every ounce of aggravation he caused.

  Saturday we’d decided to have a lazy day, lounging in nothing but a pair of pajamas—him in the bottoms, me in the top—while I read and he caught up on Red Sox highlights. We cuddled together on the couch, my head on his lap, reading the same sentence over and over again, struggling to stay awake while he twirled a strand of hair around his fingers. The whole scene was so peaceful and domestic that I smiled picturing us. I was happy. Matty’s cell, forgotten in another room, rang repeatedly, but he didn’t move other than to lean over and kiss my head and tease me about falling asleep.

  Will would have answered it. The thought struck me as I hovered between reality and half sleep. He would have been up on the first ring, hurrying to find it. I opened my eyes, smiling up at the man that held me, sighing. He glanced down, a blank look on his face. When he caught me staring, he gave me his lop sided grin, eyes sparkling mischievously. The look had an instant effect on my body and I moved slightly, intending to show him how much I wanted him.

  The phone screeched again. This time, it didn’t stop after five rings. There was a brief pause, but started right in again. Someone needed him, and they needed him now. He sighed, kissing the top of my forehead as I sat up to let him out. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”

  I stretched out lazily, grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch, and flipped off the tv. I snuggled back into the plush cushions for a quick nap, knowing he’d get me up when he was done. Maybe he would have a creative way to wake me. I was giggling, imagining all the imaginative ways he might get a response from me when I heard his string of curses. I sat up, feeling pity for whomever was on the other end of that call.

  The porch door slammed as he made his way back inside and headed to our room. Drawers opened and shut loudly as if he was searching for something. Then, he was out in the hall, head tipped, pinning the phone between his shoulder and ear, while he buckled the belt on his jeans. “What hospital?” I perked up at his words, pushing the blanket all the way off, ready to spring into action. “’k. I’m on my way.” Was Sam hurt? I jumped up, practically running around the couch to step in front of him.

  Matty stopped short as he tucked his phone in his back pocket, looking at me as if he just remembered I was there. When he didn’t offer any information, I put my hand on my hip, breathless. “Hospital? Is Sammy ok?”

  He nodded, quickly. His eyes got big and he bit back whatever comment he was going to make. He ran his hands down his face, scrubbing at his whiskers.

  “Jesus, Joes!” He blew out a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!” He reached down, pulling me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. He put a hand under my chin, tipping my face to his. His eyes were clouded with worry and tension, but I didn’t have time to ask as one hand slipped behind my head and he pulled me to him. Warm lips found and claimed mine in a rough touch that was full of need.

  I groaned against the tongue that invaded my mouth, surprised that my hands had found their way to his back and that I was pulling him closer. He made a noise deep in his throat and moved his hands to my back, trailing them down to the hem of my shirt, down to my legs. Then he was lifting me. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he moved us to the couch, laying me on my back.

  He moved onto me, pushing against me, and I groaned again. He was ready, his hardness straining against the denim of his jeans. His weight on me made my stomach clench and I felt the familiar need between my legs. His mouth was everywhere, hands pulling up the light cotton of his pajama shirt I wore, an urgency in him that I didn’t understand. “Joes,” he panted, “I need this. Now.”

  I wasn’t about to deny him anything. He shifted back, weight on his knees, stretched his arms over his head and yanked the tee shirt over his head. Before he could move back onto me, I reached out, tracing the tattoos that I knew I’d never get tired of touching. He stopped, letting me run my fingertips over the smooth flesh, pressing his bottom half against mine suggestively. I followed the tattoos down to his happy trail, and grabbed at the zipper on his jeans, struggling to get them open.

  He hissed my name as he sprang free and I circled him with my hand. I didn’t have a chance to push his jeans down his hips before he grabbed both wrists. In one move, he forced them to the end of the couch above my head and buried himself in me. Letting go of my hands, he grabbed my hips, pulling me up to him as
he bucked against me.

  We were at a weird angle, his knees sinking into the couch so that my body was higher than his and I could only reach his arms, sinking my fingernails in as I struggled to hang on. We’d had crazy hot sex where he dominated every part of me, we’d made love so sweetly I’d wanted to cry, and we’d done the carnal need quickie.

  This, though, was so different. I could feel the stress and worry flowing off him in waves, and he pounded into me like it was his only salvation. Whatever he’d been told on that phone call was driving him crazy; pushing one of his demons close. I met him stroke for stroke, hoping my body would be enough to calm him.

  He moved suddenly, lifting me up onto him so that he was sitting on our couch and I was straddling him. He lifted my shirt and tossed it behind him, hands moving immediately to my breasts, pinching at my nipples, nails digging into my back. I gasped, arching into his hands.

  “Ride me.” It was a low, gruff command and I felt the rush of wet heat that surrounded him as my lower muscles clenched at the tone. He sucked in a breath, feeling the tightness as I eased onto him, pulling him all into me, and he swore. I did what I was told and started to move against him as fast as I could, the rasping sounds of pleasure he made encouraging me to keep the pace. I felt him tense and knew he was close, and arched my back against him to take him deeper. The move brought my shoulder near his mouth and he dug his teeth into me, fingernails raking down my back. I cried out, grabbing fistfuls of hair as he bucked under me.

  He moaned and then stilled, wrapping both arms around me, enveloping me. He pulled me forward and buried his head in my nape. The sad sound he made brought me out of my daze instantly. “Do you have any fucking idea how much I love you—how much I need you?”

  His arms were so tight I couldn’t move, could barely breath. “Matty?” I wheezed, unsure what was wrong. “Baby, what’s going on?”