He didn’t answer, just held me with a death grip. Finally his hold loosened, and I backed up, easing off him. We both winced as I pulled away. He didn’t attempt to cover himself, just watched me sink to my knees next to him. He reached one hand out, cupping my face. Tears glistened in his, the look on his face was not one I’d seen in a long time; not since Becky had left him. Disbelief mixed with fear. What in the hell happened?
Twenty Eight
It was a hot August day, probably high nineties in the sun. But I sat on our sun porch covered in a blanket, clutching a steaming hot cup of tea that I probably would never drink. The house was quiet, too quiet, and I missed Matty with every ounce of me. I just couldn’t get warm.
I kept picturing the beautiful young kid that had been so nice to me in Boston and the glow he’d had when he talked about Ellie. A sob escaped me thinking about the innocent young woman in the pictures. I closed my eyes, but all I could see was the scene Matty had described, and I forced them back open trying to think of anything else.
I didn’t know when he’d be back. He hadn’t known if it would be today, tonight, or even tomorrow. I didn’t want to think of what could happen to him. I bit my lip, shaking my head. Nothing would happen. He was going down to support his friends, to get answers, that’s it. But, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew when he left, the way he kissed me, the way he’d called Sam and told him he loved him, that he was going down to be stupid.
“They attacked them, Joes. Fuckin’ jumped them while they were taking a walk by the rivah in a nice part of town!” His hands had fisted, jaw clenched as he said the next words. “They hurt didn’t just hurt one of us, Joes. Ellie was a nice girl, with her whole future ahead of her.”
No one knew who the ‘they’ were. That was part of the problem. An unknown enemy. That fact terrified them all.
Ian had taken Ellie out last night for a romantic dinner and a moonlit summer walk when they’d been mugged. Or, at least, that’s what they’d thought it was. Until five or six men beat on Ian and then they’d held him while they hurt Ellie. Matty told me he didn’t know how badly she was hurt, but I felt like he was holding something back. She was in the hospital and would recover from her injuries.
But Ian was never going to be the same. They’d released him from the hospital early this morning and he’d headed right to Rocker’s. He hadn’t been wearing anything that told the world he was a Bastard, but my gut told me that it didn’t matter. The rest of them were taking it just as hard as he was.
I had wanted to go with him, to support his friends that I’d become attached to. But Matty flat out refused. He said he didn’t know what he was walking into down there, but I could sense his hesitation. There was something else, something I didn’t understand. He’d promised he’d call me when he had news, told me to call a friend, and then kissed me hard, telling me he loved me.
I shivered and sighed, looking out the window into the back lawn, wishing the kids were here laughing and playing. It really was too quiet. The thought surprised me. For someone like me, quiet was good. No, quiet had been good. Before Matty came barging in, like the Thanksgiving Day parade, with all his chaos.
Never a dull minute with my Greek God. I laughed as my mind connected something it never had before. Itus, the Greek God of protection. That was my Matty.
A knock on the door brought me back to reality. I’d called Teagan, needing to scare away the quiet and because I needed a distraction. I put my forgotten tea on the table and walked to the kitchen.
I stopped short when I saw the beautiful blonde at the door. What the fuck was she doing here? I opened the door, eyebrows raised, feeling seriously underdressed in my yoga pants and tank top. I took a deep breath and smiled.
“Where’s Matt?” she demanded without smiling back.
“Not here.” I was being rude, but couldn’t stop myself.
She raised her left hand, patting the top of her head, the giant ring on her hand reflecting the sun. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to show the shock I felt to see her still wearing the one thing that told the world she was Matty’s, and even more not to smack the smug look off her face when she realized I’d seen it.
“Oh!” she pouted. “Well, I never had a chance to call him back last night. It seemed important,” she lowered her voice in a conspiratorial whisper, “but part of me assumed it was just another booty call, so I thought I’d make him sweat a little.” My stomach knotted at her words. She winked at me, looked around the kitchen and shrugged. “I can wait.”
I took a step toward her, trying to close off the entrance. “He won’t be back for a while, so I’ll just tell him you stopped.”
She smirked, arching an eyebrow. “Does he know you’re here waiting for him?”
I smiled at that. “Yeah. I live here now.”
The news didn’t appear to bother her at all. “I told him he’d need a roommate once I moved out.” I was about to inform the smug little bitch that I was Matty’s girlfriend when she turned and bounced down the stairs. She turned at the bottom, lifting sunglasses to her eyes. “Don’t get too comfy, Joey. From the way Matty was talking yesterday, I’ll be back before the weekend is over. And we don’t’ need a roommate. Three’s a crowd and all that…”
I was rooted to the spot, watching her get in her little car and drive away. Suddenly every doubt I had about us, from Taylor’s claim on him, to Will’s stupid packet of secrets, to everything I’d learned in Boston, came flooding to the surface. I sat down, frustrated, my thoughts whirling. I dialed his cell, wanting only to hear his voice. Only Matty could make all this bullshit worth it.
Twenty Nine
Matty came home late that night. It was unexpected, and I couldn’t hide my relief when he walked through the door. I ran to him, practically jumping in his arms, grateful when he picked me up, laughing. Forgetting to ask about his day, or find out how Ian and Ellie were doing, I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him down for a suggestive kiss that promised there was a lot more coming. “Welcome home!” I gasped, breaking away from his mouth.
He carried me to the bedroom, leaving every light blazing and the eleven o’clock news anchor talking to the empty living room. The mattress dipped under our combined weight as he lowered me to the bed, standing only to peel off his jacket and shirt, kicking his boots to the wall. I leaned up on my elbows, watching as he unbuttoned his jeans and slid them over his hips. He was so beautiful it hurt to look at him, and I bit my lip to keep from sounding like a blubbering idiot and telling him exactly what I thought of his body.
He smiled down, seeing my expression. “Jesus, Joes, if this is how you’re going to welcome me home every time I go away, I’m gonna go away more often.” His sexy, lopsided grin appeared as he crawled up the bed toward me, parting my legs with his knee. “But, just so you know,” he kissed my knee, “I missed you all fucking day.” His tongue made a wet trail up my thigh, making me shiver, “I’m never,” his teeth bit into my hip, and I groaned, “ever,” he looked up, locking his eyes onto mine, “leaving you,” his tongue danced over the soft of my belly, circling my belly button, and I arched, “ever again.”
“Matty, please” I begged, my voice barely audible. I needed him to touch me, to make all my worries go away. He raked his teeth over his bottom lip, the simple action causing every ounce of my flesh to catch fire, and braced his arms next to my shoulders, looking down at me.
“Get used to begging, beautiful,” he growled. “I spent the last three hours thinking about those sweet sounds you make and I plan to spend just as many hearing you make them.” He lowered himself slowly, aligning his body with mine.
**********
I woke up to a cold bed. Sitting up, I searched for my phone, trying to figure out what time it was. Then, I remembered it was out on the coffee table. I’d forgotten it last night when I’d heard Matty’s bike in the driveway.
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and grabbed a tee shirt to cover my nakedness before I wen
t in search for my own personal heater, hoping that I could find some way to lure him back to bed. I smelled coffee, but the kitchen was empty. Maybe he was in the shower? Pausing outside the bathroom door, I heard the shuffle of papers on the sun porch.
I turned the corner, smiling at him as he sat in the middle of the floor, paperwork scattered around him, the early morning sun giving his bare chest a bronze glow. He was scowling at whatever he was reading, obviously engrossed. I leaned my cheek against the door frame, content to watch him. His eyes glanced up and he looked away before doing a double take and snapping his baby blues back to mine.
He tried to cover his surprise as he hastily gathered up the papers, a move obviously aimed at keeping whatever it was from me.
“Morning.” I watched him reach out, grabbing mindlessly, not caring if he kept the piles organized. “What’s all this?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but my curiosity got the better of me.
He shook his head. “Nothing.” I took a step into the room before I realized that he was shoving everything back into a familiar manila envelope. He looked up, offering me a small smile that didn’t reach his eye. “Morning, babe! I didn’t think you’d be up yet.”
Obviously. “Matty, I…” I trailed off, not sure what to say, how to tell him.
He shook his head again. “It’s nothing, Jo.” His voice was hard. He moved himself from the floor to the chair, never making eye contact, and sighed. “I talked to Tay yesterday, told her I wanted her to come get her shit out of my garage so we’d have a place to park.” I laughed. His head snapped to me, and he waited for an explanation.
I grinned. “She was here yesterday. Said that you kept calling her, and that she assumed it was for another booty call.” I laughed again. “I could have gotten her stuff out for her.”
He rolled his eyes. “She… she’s something else. She told me she had left some things and asked me to pack those as well, said she’d be here first thing this morning. I want her gone, completely, so I started gathering the leftovers. Then I found this.” He picked up the envelope. “It was an interesting read, to say the least.” He looked at me then, pain evident in the way he held his body. “It’s a…”
“I know what it is, Matty.” His brows knitted together as he silently questioned me. “It isn’t Taylor’s.” The color slowly drained from his face, but he didn’t say a word. His whole body was erect, stiff. I moved into the room and sat across from him. Taking a deep breath, I explained, “I don’t know what it says, but Will had it made before I moved in. I was going to tell you, but didn’t want to start a fight.”
His jaw clenched and he took several deep breaths, eyes never leaving mine. “Didn’t want to start a fight?” He nodded angrily. “Your husband somehow manages to dig up records from my childhood that are sealed, and you don’t tell me because you don’t want to start a fight?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. I shook my head at him and I could feel my eyes wide. “I didn’t know what was in it!”
“I’m not your fucking husband, Jo! You and me, we argue—always have. You have no problem telling me exactly what you think of me, even when I’m being a prick and I tell you to buck up and stop being a bitch.” His nostrils flared. “We don’t keep shit from each other because we’re afraid of a fucking fight.”
He pushed himself off the chair and stalked around the room. “What else haven’t you told me? Oh, no, don’t you give me that fucking deer-in-the-headlights look! You aren’t telling me something!” He pointed at me. “I won’t do this, not with you. We don’t have secrets, and we’re not gonna start now. What else?”
He spun around at the door, glaring at me. “Nothing? Fine. I’ve got my own list I’ve been carrying around. I’ll start.” He was yelling, and I forced myself not to jump at his words. “Why didn’t you call me when you saw Will at the hotel? And why in the fuck did you stop me?”
My mouth fell open. “Because I don’t need you to save me! I told you, I had it under control.”
His eyes narrowed. “Don’t need me to save you? No, ‘cause you can do it all on your own, can’t you? How about the fact that he’d already had his hands all over you once, that you almost slept with him even though you didn’t want to?”
My temper was flaring. “He’s my husband, Matty. He…”
“No!” he screamed. “He gave you up, remember? He broke your heart! He doesn’t get to come back and say ‘oops, I made a mistake’ once you’ve moved on! You’re mine and I don’t fucking share. If I have to beat his pansy asshole ass into oblivion to get that message across, I’ll fucking do it!”
I gaped at him. “I can’t believe you’re mad about that!”
“Well, I’m fuckin’ pissed.” He turned around and started pacing again. “Any other secrets I should know, Joes?”
“You’re one to talk, Matty! Your whole life is a secret. I say I fell in love with my best friend, but then your friends are constantly looking at me like I’m crazy because I don’t really know anything about you.”
Matty slowed, turning back to me. “You know me better than anyone!”
I raised an eyebrow. “Really? That’s why I knew you were rich, that you belong to some bike gang, and that you are covered in tattoos?” He rolled his eyes, exasperated. “I don’t know a fucking thing about you, not really!”
“Yeah, cause having a little money, tattoos, and friends really changes who a person is.” He turned, grabbed the manila envelope and hurled it at my feet. “There, read that. That will tell you every fucking thing you want to know!”
I kicked at the packet. “I don’t want to read that shit! I want you to tell me. I want to know the you that Rob knows.”
He took a slow breath and shook nodded. “No you don’t. Not really. You’re too much of a social worker to let the past go. You think that once you have all the pieces you’ll understand me. Well, sweetheart, those pieces aren’t as important as you think.”
“Matty, I just want to know you.”
“You do!” he exploded. “You don’t need to know the kid in that file.” He nodded towards the floor. “He was lost and angry, looking for something to make sense. He needed someone like you, someone that would make him laugh, call him on his bullshit. But I can promise you, even if he’d had you he would have hurt you, because that’s who he was. That’s who he had to be.”
I listened to him, watching the man in front of me transform into a cold, tough stranger. His shoulders pulled back, his face lost all trace of humor. He was right, I didn’t like this Matty. I didn’t want to hear anymore, but he continued anyway.
“My parents didn’t beat us, they didn’t starve us, they didn’t hurt us. In fact, they loved us enough to walk away from their screwed up lives and then their shitty marriage. Nothing lasts forever and love is never enough, so my dad moved on. When he left, though, my mom was fucked. She was sad, didn’t think things through. So, I did what I had to do. I was 15, Cris was 12, the day I came home and found my mom’s boyfriend perping on her. She said it was the first time, but it sure as hell was gonna be the last. I made sure the fucker would never touch a little girl again.
“I got sent to the youth center and met Rob. His life had been shit since the beginning, but he was determined to make things right. I got out and went back, more times than I remember. And you know what? I’d do every single thing over again! I told you once that I was a monster and I fuckin’ meant it.”
“Jesus, Matt, you were a kid! He breaks my heart, but I don’t give two shits about him. I want to know you… the you that seems so happy to have me one minute, asking me to come to Boston and then seems ashamed of me and won’t let me come the next. The you that had me get all dressed up to go out to a club, and then I find out it was only so he could spy on some asshole. I just want you to talk to me!”
He looked like he was ready to explode again. “I know you don’t fucking get it, but I’m trying to keep you safe.” There was that stupid phrase again and I groaned w
hen I heard it. His eyes narrowed. “She may not live, Joes. Ellie might die! Do you know how fucking helpless Ian feels? He couldn’t do anything to stop them. By keeping you here, away from that shit, I can keep you safe!”
“Do they know who attacked them?”
He shook his head. “No, but that doesn’t matter right now. All that matters to me is you!”
I walked towards him, putting a hand on his chest. He tensed at my touch. I needed to fix this, make the last few minutes go away. “Matty. I’m right here, I’m safe.” He looked down at me, searching my eyes with his. I sighed, my voice soft. “I love you, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I promise, from now on, even if it starts a fight, I’ll be honest.” I chuckled. “Except when the kids are here… I will hold it in until they’re gone.” I winked, but Matty closed his eyes and turned his head.
“Joes,” he was gritting his teeth, “what was Will going to do with that packet?”
I tipped my head. “Use it against me in the custody battle, I’m sure.”
His shoulders sagged, all fight suddenly gone from him. “Jesus, Joes! You can’t bring the kids here.” He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Jo, but your kids can’t live here. I don’t think you should, either.”
I gasped, pulling away, sure I heard him wrong. “What?” He didn’t answer, just turned and walked into the house.
Thirty
I heard his footsteps as he walked down the hallway, but didn’t make eye contact when I felt him in the doorway. I’d avoided him while I gathered my things from the rest of the house and had been in the bedroom for the last half hour emptying the drawers he’d given me onto the bed. I wanted to make sure that when I left, I didn’t leave anything behind. I didn’t want any excuse to have to come back.
I didn’t understand what was happening, how he could tell me he loved me one second and then break me the next. Yes, I hadn’t dated anyone since high school, but shouldn’t there be more closure, not just one person saying they were done? I felt a pang of empathy for Teagan and her numerous heartbreaks. I replayed our last conversation in our mind. I’d talked about Taylor, told him she’d come by. Did he want her back—did he realize he’d made the wrong choice and I couldn’t possibly compete?
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