by Rue Volley
“Heels,” Molly said as the girl ran back and grabbed her shoes from the floor. Molly looked at her and grinned.
“Buy some real shoes with that money,” Molly said.
Ryan laughed under his breath as he stood up and grabbed his coat, slipping it on as the girl left them alone in the bedroom.
“You get bitchier as the years go on.”
“Oh please, I was always a bitch Ryan, just like you are,” Molly said as she stepped up to him and started to fix his tie for him.
Ryan watched her until she looked at him and then he looked around the room.
“Ryan,” she said as she let his tie go and he walked away from her.
Molly turned as he reached the door.
“Leave out the servant’s entrance.”
“Of course,” Ryan said as he paused at the door and then left her alone in the room. Molly walked to the window and stared out over the land that she owned but did not love. The one thing she did love would never love her in return and was slipping out the back as she thought of him and how he made her feel.
****
I returned home to an empty house. Funny it felt empty when August and Ryan were not home. We had all decided to
Leave for the night it would seem and it reminded me of when I was growing up in this house.
Father spent weeks away from home as Mother drank and wandered the halls talking to herself. This was something she tried to hide from me for years until the sheer weight of her sadness made it impossible for her to contain any longer. It was on one of these trips he had taken with a mistress or two that she had decided to end it all in the tub with a razor. You would think that a woman with access to so many prescription drugs would have simply taken a bottle and lay down, but no, my Mother left in a dramatic fashion. One of which I still nightmare about to this day.
That crisp morning had beckoned me to ride. I loved the horses that we owned and it was the one thing that I was addicted to at that time. I mean to get up early and take a ride as the horse tensed between your legs and it spit forth white smoke into the air. It was such a rush of adrenaline, the first one I remember having in my life…long before Ryan, or any of the treachery I came to embrace as my own. Riding a horse was freedom. A freedom I so needed and I had gone riding that morning like any other.
When I returned 3 hours later no one greeted me at the door, which was odd. We had many on staff for any occasion and when I was still living here with my parents we had more staff than at any other time. I guess my Mother’s declining condition had warranted it and my Father had upwards of 15 people with us daily. I have no idea if he did it to protect her or to simply make sure she did not burn the house to the ground in a fit of rage. She had those too, terrible ones of which everyone could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs throughout the entire estate. He had driven her insane. I mean a type of insanity they study in schools and even though I understand now that she should have been committed, I have to hate him even more for keeping her locked up here in this fucking prison of lies.
I remember walking into the house and feeling as if the pressure had dropped. Kind of like when a coming storm changes the air all around you. I took one step and then another and as I walked up the large staircase I then heard the noises, low at first and then sobbing. I walked down the long hallway, being careful to breath slowly and not run. I felt a panic rising in me, funny how your body knows something before you do. I then stopped at her bedroom and looked in, the staff stood all around, as if they were having a meeting and I walked through them as some spoke to me but I ignored them as I usually did. I mean I was never taught that staff should be treated as friends so I did not allow that sort of connection. I then saw her arm over the tub before I saw her face. I pushed the door open to expose her fully and saw the blood on the floor and her eyes open, clouded and staring at the window across the room as if she was dreaming of freedom. I then ran to her and slipped in the blood, falling against the tub and grabbing her hand as mine were covered in her blood. It was cold and void of any traces of her. I then let out a blood cuddling scream that echoed throughout the house and swallowed up any she had left behind. It was then that she passed down her sorrow to me.
I blinked as I stood in the bathroom where she had died. I did not remember walking up to it, nor did I remember when I started to cry but the warm tears ran down my cheeks until I heard a voice behind me and turned to see Ryan standing there. His normal blank expression switched to one of concern as I wiped my face and walked to the large white marbled sink. I could see his reflection behind me but refused to turn.
“Beth?”
I splashed water on my face and then turned to face him, he looked me over as I leaned in and smelled him.
“You smell like cheap perfume, take a bath.” I said as I glanced at the tub my Mother had died in.
He looked at it knowing she had died there and we never used this for anything anymore.
“Razors are under the sink,” I added as I left him alone and with the last bit of venom I felt for her loss as well as mine of him.
Chapter Eight
Manning A Sinking Ship
Ryan held Cas’s phone in his hand as he stared at the text on it until a knock came to his door and he looked up to see his one solution to such things. The man stepped in without saying a word as usual until Ryan stood up and tossed the phone to him. He caught it and looked it over.
“Cas had help in finding out the truth about Miko.”
“Unfortunate,” the man said as Ryan watched him sit down and place the phone inside his jacket.
“So how and when?” the man asked him.
“Immediately and discreet.”
“Access to the asylum?” the man asked and Ryan raised his hand.
“No, this is NOT about Cas, this about whoever helped him,“ he said and the man nodded.
“You know Cas will eventually…” he was interrupted by Ryan who seemed very aggravated, much more so than usual.
“You listen to me, my son will not be harmed, ever, for any reason. Do you understand me?”
The man nodded to him and started to rise. Ryan stepped out from behind the desk and looked him over. The man walked to the door and then stopped.
“Same account as usual?” Ryan asked and the man nodded and then paused as he held the handle of the door.
“It is never easy to lose a child. You have my sympathy,” he said and with that he left Ryan alone. Ryan sighed and walked to the liquor cabinet. He pulled a glass and held it tightly and then turned and threw it, letting it bust against the wall and shatter into a million pieces. He started to cry as he walked to the chair and sat down knowing that Cas would have to die, but when was not even something he could contemplate. For the first time since he was a small boy he felt compassion for another and it overwhelmed him. He was not sure if it was Beth’s cruelty and torture, the pressure of years of carrying around this darkness or his growing addiction to a drug which seemed to be eating away his strength to ward off emotion. Perhaps it was time to consider sobering up and letting go of what addictions he may be able to control. He laughed as he stared at the glass on the floor and with that he closed his eyes and tried to calm down. He was Ryan Blackwood, a man who had buried anything that tried to harm him and what he wanted and all be damned if he was going to be in this state of mind. This is how weakness creeps in and consumes you and he would never allow it, not for any reason. A light knock came to his door and he looked up as it cracked open and a woman stood there, small in stature and quite stunning. He wiped his face and ran his hand through his hair as she started to turn away.
“Yes?” he asked as she pushed the door open slightly and stared in at him.
“I am sorry, I am here for the position,” she said in a small voice as he looked back.
“That sounds intriguing,” he said as he walked towards her and then waved for her to come in. She stepped in as he grinned and closed the door behind her, staring at her ass.
****
We sat at dinner with no conversation until August spoke up and Ryan nearly dropped his drink. I glanced at him as August continued.
“I want to move out,” he said and I swallowed as I stared at my plate. Dinner was about as interesting as my marriage at this point and even though we had a five star chef in the kitchen I doubt any of us even appreciated it. I know food was not my main concern, nor had it been for years.
“Where?” Ryan asked as he leaned back and August took a breath and looked at me and then to him.
“The penthouse on Park.”
I took a drink which turned into a gulp and then a spectacular finish as I tilted it back and noticed Ryan was watching me. He raised an eyebrow and grinned at me like he used to and I turned to August and decided to speak.
“Living on your own is a big change,” I said to him and he nodded.
“Well, I would not be alone, not really,” he added and I leaned back and waited to find out what the surprise was here.
“Zoey would be with me,” he said and Ryan laughed for a second and then stopped as we both looked at him.
“Zoey Renew?” Ryan said and August nodded.
“Yes, she wants to move out too and I think we would be good for each other seeing that we both, I mean…I just think it would be good.”
“Good in what way?” Ryan added and August leaned back and dropped his fork on his plate.
I cleared my throat and wiped my lips with the cloth napkin.
“What your father means to say is…”
“That I am not able to live on my own,” August said as he stared at his plate.
“August you, I mean we, have been through some very stressful times and perhaps being together would be best,” I said and he laughed and then stared at me like Ryan used to do when he wanted to make me feel terrible.
“Oh you mean I should feel fine living here knowing that Zane died upstairs and my brother tried to kill all of us, in this house?”
I took a slow breath and looked to Ryan, if anything I needed him to step up and be a fucking Father here.
“Listen, I get it. You are thinking with your dick. I did,” Ryan said and I looked down and felt defeated. August needed understanding and compassion and instead Ryan was trying to connect with him on a sexual level. I fucking hate him, I really do.
“Ryan, please. This is not about that,” I said and August watched us as Ryan stared at me.
“Really? I mean Beth I remember when we moved in together and did nothing but fuck.”
“Oh shit,” August said as he looked disgusted. He tossed his napkin onto his plate and crossed his arms on his chest.
“What? Your mother and I fucked, we fucked a lot, we fucked all over that penthouse her daddy bought for her.”
“Great, good to know,” August said as I looked at him and narrowed my eyes.
“He is drunk,” I said and Ryan started to laugh.
“Drunk? No, I am not drunk, I am just practicing a new thing here, let’s be honest and cut the bullshit Beth.”
I turned to him and slammed my hand on the table. It made the silverware jump and my plate move a bit.
“Your son needs guidance, he does not need Ryan Endless.”
Ryan stared at me and shook his head.
“I have not been called that in a very long time.”
“Endless?” August asked and I looked at him and felt the venom rising.
“Your father, it was his nickname. You see he was a whore, that is how he got his money.”
“What?” August asked and Ryan stood up and started to mumble as he walked back and forth. I continued on.
“Yes, he fucked anything he could for money. Then I met him and he fucked me for the same reason.”
Ryan stopped and slammed his fists on the table and screamed as I jumped in my seat and so did August. He stood there, his head low and breathing hard as I tried to control my breathing. August stood up and knocked his drink over as he left us alone in the large dining room. I started to push my chair back and Ryan raised his hand and pointed at me as I stood up and did not waver.
“Why Beth? Why would you say that to my son?”
“Because I thought we were having a moment of truth, Ryan. I mean is it full truth or just what you pick and choose to share with him?”
“I fucking love you, Beth.”
I blinked as his words worked their way through me. He stepped out form the table and I shook my head at him.
“You don’t know what love is Ryan, you never knew.”
He started to walk towards me and I turned as he ran past me and closed the doors. He leaned against them and looked me over as I stood there in front of him.
“There was a time that I was everything to you, Beth.”
I looked down and then back up at him. I then stepped up to him, leaning into his ear as he closed his eyes.
“You wasted it,” I said to him as I backed up and touched his face softly. He let his face lower a bit and then as I took my hand from him he grabbed my wrist and kissed the inside of my palm. I jerked it from him as he watched me.
“Does he make you come like I did?” he asked me.
I hesitated and then grinned.
“Who said you ever made me come, Ryan.” I pushed past him and left him alone to a fate worse than death for a man with his ego. I would allow him to wonder if I ever enjoyed him at all or if I did it to please him. I was sure it would haunt him worse than the bones of Miko in the garden.
Chapter Nine
River of Stars
I sat at my vanity and brushed my hair with an unsteady hand. My words had left my lips with the will of Satan himself as I tried my best to hurt Ryan and I knew that I had. I knew loneliness all too well and I had willfully invited Ryan into my world. It takes someone just like you to handle the sorrow this home possesses. Ryan was certainly built to manage it but as I sit here and stare at myself there is no satisfaction in what I just did. He brings out the ugliest parts of myself and absorbs them almost like a sheep to slaughter. I know this and I have used him for years in that way. Perhaps he was more of a blessing. Preventing me from the same revelation my Mother had come to understand. We live and die here, us Bittermends. We build a wall around our hearts too high to climb and too thick to penetrate. I knew it in school, I knew it out of school and I definitely knew it when I allowed myself to falsely love Ryan. The hatred is solid and justified, but it still does not ease the sting of enjoying it.
I stood up and my ring fell to the floor. I was not surprised by it. I had not eaten correctly in weeks and my frame was smaller. My finger had shrunk and the ring that bound me to Ryan was starting to truly not fit any longer. I leaned down and then I saw it, a small sealed letter under my vanity. It looked old but I narrowed my eyes and reached under, pulling it out and blowing off the dust. I coughed and it aggravated me. We pay people very well to keep this house clean and to have this nonsense under my vanity would not be allowed to go on. I mean I am not ignorant. I know that half of the staff is only here to please Ryan and his carnal needs but if they cannot keep the dust from the floor they can leave.
I then turned the letter over and saw my name scribbled on the front of it. I sat down and grabbed my silver letter opener and cut it open. I then pulled the paper out, just one, folded nicely and smelling of flowers. I opened it up and started to read it.
Bethany,
I know that someday you will forgive me but to hate me now is something you will simply have to do. Know that I love you, I have always loved you and that my decision to leave this world had nothing to do with you my darling.
If I can leave you with anything it is this. Know your worth and never allow anyone to diminish it.
Forever my love…Mother
I dropped the letter and held my hand to my chest as the tears flowed. If I had ever truly hated my Father it was completely justified now as the haunting words of my Mother reached back and captured me. She was right, I should know
my worth, I should accept that I am better than all of this. I always have been and I always will be.
****
August stood in the garden until he heard his name called out, half whisper, half yell. He turned and saw Zoey standing in the thick bushes and he grinned. He started to walk towards her until he saw Jami behind her. It made him excited, more so than he intended it to. He continued to walk, happy to see both of them.
“Did you bring it?” August asked and Zoey nodded as they all sat down in the soft grass and Jami pulled out a joint. He licked the tip of it and August watched his mouth until Zoey grabbed his hand and nodded to him.
“So they are fighting again?” Zoey asked him.
“When are they not fucking fighting?” August asked as if he was sick of talking about it. He then watched Jami light the joint up and the smell was thick and sweet in the air.
“Thank you for picking it up,” August said.
“This is the like the gateway drug to hell huh?” Jami asked as he coughed and passed it to Zoey. He held the smoke in as long as he could until the cough made him spit it out. Zoey shook her head and took a drag and held it up to August. He took it as he watched Jami lean back and lay down in grass. In this little light he really did favor Zane more than he realized during their initial encounter. He took a long drag and held the smoke in, closing his eyes and a flash of memory consumed his mind not unlike they had been doing all along.
****
He felt the sun on his face, warm and inviting. Then he felt a hand on his leg, it rose slowly, taking time to grip and apply pressure where it was needed. He sighed and placed his hand on his flat stomach as the hand lifted and pushed under his hand, then under his shirt and finally connecting with skin. He tensed up; it was a natural reaction to being aroused. He then felt lips on his abdomen, soft and yet hungry for him, always hungry and ever so willing to give him pleasure. He then looked down and he heard a small laugh, the head rose and he screamed as it was Zane but he looked to be decaying, dead or dying, who knows. He dropped the joint and both Zoey and Jami looked at him in disbelief.
“Maybe you should lay off the fucking drugs,” Jami said as Zoey touched his face and stared at him with much concern.