Dyami laughed a little. They were near the Buddhist temple, not far from the tunnel to the west dome. Teo suddenly pushed him toward the trees and groped at his groin; Dyami gasped. “Not here,” he whispered.
“You're already hard.” Teo fondled him; Dyami was afraid that in a moment he would be unable to control himself. “You'd think you hadn't had any in a long time.”
Dyami managed to push his friend's hand away. “I haven't—not since I left.”
“A year and a half?” Teo's eyes widened with astonishment. “But you've been in Turing. The Habbers probably wouldn't care, and I doubt anyone else would bother you. I know there are a few people like us there—it's one of the reasons some of them wanted to work up there.”
“I guess I haven't seen anyone I wanted that much.” It was easier to say that than to tell the other man about his fears.
“Well, we'll have to do something about that.” They left the trees and walked toward the main road and the tunnel. “Your parents will want you to themselves tonight, but I'll come by tomorrow—I've got some time off.”
“Not there. We shouldn't—”
“No, not there. I know a place—well, you'll see.”
* * * *
The household welcomed him effusively, but Dyami quickly saw how strained Sef's greetings were. His father had changed; Sef's face was thinner and he poked at his food; he had lost his usually hearty appetite. His gold-flecked brown eyes had a wary expression; Sef was clearly troubled.
The rest of the household listened as Dyami spoke of his work, but Risa kept glancing toward her bondmate. Sef had always been so open; what could he be hiding now?
Dyami did not get a chance to speak to his mother alone until the others drifted off to bed. He led her outside, then stopped in front of their greenhouse.
“I have to ask you,” Dyami said. “How long has Sef been like this? Something's wrong.”
“I know that.”
“Hasn't he said anything to you?”
“No.” Risa's face was hidden in the darkness. “I've tried to ask, but that just makes him more unhappy. The past couple of months—he's been moody and he's home later from the meetings. I think he's been staying for the rite all those times, but I promised myself I wouldn't question him about that. I keep telling myself it doesn't mean anything to him.”
“Do you think he's started to believe in it?” Dyami asked. “I thought that was just a ruse.”
“It isn't that—I'm sure of that much. I thought having you home might cheer him a bit, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.”
A woman, Dyami thought. An encounter during the rite might have grown into something more. Risa might refuse to admit it to herself until she was confronted with the fact, and Sef was incapable of hurting her in that way. He could understand his father; he had hidden his own secret long enough. But Sef, unlike him, was not accustomed to years of secretiveness and deception.
“Maybe you can speak to him,” Risa said. “He might find it easier to talk to you. I just wish—”
“I'll see. Maybe he just needs to work through whatever it is by himself. He loves you enough not to want to burden you with his troubles.” He was beginning to wish he had never come home to this mire of emotion, to people who claimed to love him without really knowing him.
* * * *
Dyami left the house with Teo just as the light was beginning to fade. Risa and Noella had come home only a little while earlier; as far as they knew, he was having supper at Teo's house and would sleep there so that he would have more time to reminisce with his friend. He had been apprehensive about accepting Teo's mysterious invitation; the other man had still not told him where they were going. Now he felt a little relieved at escaping his mother's troubled gaze.
“What's it like being home again?” Teo asked.
Dyami shrugged. “I must have been given the name of every eligible young woman in Oberg at breakfast. Risa seems convinced that they're all just waiting to throng around me.”
Teo grinned. A conspiratorial look was in his eyes, as if he and Dyami were off on yet another boyish adventure. They walked along the main road, stepped aside as a cart passed, then turned toward the tunnel to the southwest dome.
“Well?” Dyami said. “Where are we going?”
“Patience.” The smaller man nodded at five people leaving the tunnel; inside, two patrol members were already on duty. Teo smiled at them as they walked by, but his dark eyes were grim. He did not speak until they had entered the dome.
“We'll wait for a cart.” Teo stepped into the main road. The southwest dome seemed larger than the others, but that was because fewer houses had been built here so far. Clusters of houses stood at the edge of a wide grassy plain, a few of them still under construction; the slender trees bordering the road were hardly more than saplings.
“Where are we going?” Dyami asked again.
“To a friend's. I told you I'd take care of you. You'll meet other men there, ones like us.”
Dyami tensed. “What do you mean?”
“I told you. You won't be deprived for long. At least one of them's sure to take a liking to you.”
He clutched Teo's shoulder. “You must be mad.” Teo shook off his hand. “What kind of risk are you taking?”
“It isn't a risk. You can trust these people, and if you're with me, they won't have any suspicions about you. Do you really think I wouldn't be careful about something like this?”
“But the patrol—”
“No one will see us enter the house,” Teo said, “and you can either stay there for the night or find someone who can guide you to the road when the patrol's not in the vicinity. It's not hard to dodge them—I've done it often enough. The worst that can happen is that the ones back at the tunnel will ask where you were and where you're going, and you can say you were at my house—it's not far from where we're going.”
“And what happens if they call your housemates to check on that?”
“They know you're my friend. They'll cover for you. They'd lie to the patrol anyway on general principles.”
“You told them about me!” Dyami said.
“I didn't tell them anything. They can guess where I'll be, but they won't know you're there. It probably won't even come up—that pair saw us in the tunnel just now, so they'll assume you were visiting me.” Teo folded his arms. “What's the matter, Dyami? Scared?” He sounded the way he had whenever he had dared Dyami into an exploit. “Do you think you can just keep it all inside and get along without it? You'll just get more frustrated, and then you're a lot more likely to try something foolish.”
“I thought maybe we—that you'd found a place where we could be alone.”
“We'll have our moments, don't worry, but I've gotten to the point where I need more excitement once in a while. Once you're there, you might like it more than you expect.” Teo moved to the cart as it came toward them. “Just think of it as your way of striking back at Ishtar.”
But this wasn't a blow against Ishtar. Teo and his friends could probably accommodate themselves to the cult's presence as long as nothing happened to them. Ishtar would do better to ignore such people altogether, but he supposed many in the fellowship were too fervent in their faith to be practical.
Teo greeted the few passengers aboard the cart and was soon talking to one young couple. Dyami looked away as he tried to compose himself. His fear was still with him, but it was now tinged with anticipation. It had been too long; he could never have been so reckless otherwise.
They passed two large greenhouses. An older woman outside one waved and called out his name; Dyami started before recognizing Jeannine Loris. He lifted his hand; she could not know.
Ahead of them lay a more densely wooded area; two more members of the patrol were strolling near the road. They left the cart and walked toward the woods. It was already growing dark; Dyami squinted when they were among the trees, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He looked around and saw no one
nearby, then said, “This place—is that where you always go?”
“Of course not. There are other houses in all the domes. We have ways of leaving messages for one another, saying where we'll be or which houses are welcoming guests on a particular evening. The place we're going usually draws men whose tastes aren't too odd—I didn't think you'd want anything too extreme.”
It reminded him of his parents’ useless meetings with others who hated Ishtar, where they consoled themselves by sitting around and believing they could find a way to fight. But he had no right to be critical. He had gone to the Freyja Mountains, where he could pretend that Ishtar did not exist.
He glimpsed the lights of a few houses beyond the trees; Teo pressed on until the lights disappeared and they were surrounded by darkness again. Dyami's mouth was dry. I should turn around now and go home, he told himself. Teo would mock him for being a coward; maybe he would even begin to worry if he could trust Dyami after all, if he could shrink from this so readily.
They were nearing the edge of the woods; a small lake was ahead. Several houses stood along the shore in the distance. “My house is over there,” Teo said, motioning at the distant dwellings. “Our destination's straight ahead.” He pointed at a house no more than a few paces away; the structure sat on a small rise just above the shore. Only one other house was near it; a woman stood in the doorway, calling out to three children playing on a dock. Teo leaned against a tree trunk. “We'll wait until she goes inside. It wouldn't matter even if she saw us, but I guess I should be cautious for your sake.”
“How can you be so sure you won't be betrayed?” Dyami murmured.
“How can anyone give us away without betraying himself? He'd have to explain what he was doing there.”
“Somebody could have a change of heart and decide to repent.”
“And we could say he was lying and trying to implicate innocent people in his deeds. You worry too much, Dyami. There are a few on the patrol who can be bribed, and if anyone really started coming after us, Ishtar would have more trouble than it needs. There are a lot of people like us—they don't need that much of a fight.”
But there would be no fight. Many would be like Dyami, hiding what they were without meeting with others; they would not be likely to come out in the open to defend offenders against Ishtar. Many would keep silent out of gratitude that their own deeds remained unknown. Arrayed against them would be not only Ishtar's true believers but also other Cytherians, people who disliked the cult but also despised what men like Teo did.
Ishtar talked of love and sharing, but its inner circles wanted control. They would not stop until they had power even over everyone's most intimate and private thoughts. This was their way of controlling people like Teo and him—forcing them to be furtive, so fearful of discovery that they would not risk standing against Ishtar openly.
The three children ran toward their house; the door closed behind them. Teo beckoned to Dyami; they left the trees and went rapidly along the bank toward the dwelling ahead.
* * * *
The door opened; a stocky young man with Japanese features ushered Dyami and Teo inside. He did not introduce himself to Dyami or ask his name; perhaps it was better not to give it.
He might have been at any gathering of friends. Five men sat on cushions around a table, sharing food and herb tea as they talked. In a corner near a large screen, two men were throwing dice. One blond man sat alone, his back against the wall, his head bowed.
Dyami looked around the dimly lit room. A couple of faces were vaguely familiar, but he did not know anyone here. He felt a wave of relief before his fear returned; someone might still have recognized him. He was the Guide's brother; any of these men might be aware of that.
“Will anyone else arrive?” he murmured to Teo.
“I doubt it. We don't like too much of a crowd at any one place, even here, where there aren't many neighbors nearby. Why—haven't you seen a likely prospect?”
He was being watched. The men around the table were studying him quite openly now; one mustached man whispered to another. The two men near the screen picked up their dice, then disappeared into a hallway.
Teo walked toward the table. He stood there for a moment before he leaned toward a bearded man. The other man laughed, got up quickly, then slipped an arm around Teo's slender body as they moved toward the hallway where the other two had gone.
Dyami felt dizzy; he wanted to flee. He was limp, totally devoid of any desire. He shouldn't have come here, but it was too late to leave. The others had seen him already; if he left so soon, he would only arouse suspicion. They might even think he was his sister's spy.
A hand touched his arm; he looked down into the face of the stocky young man who had greeted him before. “Someone new,” the man said. “Welcome to our fellowship.” He began to stroke Dyami's arm, then let his hand fall to his hip. Dyami flushed. The knot inside him uncoiled as he felt himself stiffen; his will seemed centered in his member, a thing apart from his fears.
“We can go with the others.” The man motioned with his head toward the hallway where Teo and the others had gone. “Or would you rather be alone?”
“Alone,” he managed to say.
The man led him to the other narrow hallway; they entered a room. The light panels above them flowed on, then dimmed as his companion muttered a command. They shed their clothes quickly and went to the bed.
They stroked each other in silence. The man's hands both demanded pleasure and gave it; there were no whispered endearments or gentle kisses. They slowly sought each other out with their hands and mouths, moving closer to that moment when nothing outside existed. Dyami throbbed, aching with all he had held back for so long, and then his pleasure rushed from him, a bright stream sweeping him forward to an intense, transcendent joy.
The moment was gone too soon. He lay lost in a stranger's arms, alone once more, his fears drumming inside his mind.
His companion sat up. “Enough for you?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe just for now.” The man slipped off the bed and picked up his clothes. “You can stay in this room if you like. I imagine that at least one of our friends will look in on you in a bit.” He smiled as he gazed at Dyami's body. “And if you're willing—” He left the room without bothering to dress.
Dyami stood up hastily. He was trapped with his fears again; the thought of another anonymous encounter repelled him. He had risked too much for such a brief pleasure. The moment was gone, swept away by the current, leaving only loneliness and disgust with himself in its wake. He had never felt disgust with Teo; there had been love for someone he knew.
He pulled on his clothes and left the room. Only two men remained in the common room, the blond man and an older dark-skinned man. The fair-haired man was standing; he was taller than Dyami, nearly as tall as Sef. He shrank back against the wall as his companion edged closer to him.
“I brought you here,” the swarthy man was saying. “I thought you wanted to come, but you're not being very cooperative. I know what you need—you're acting like one of those who likes to display himself without admitting what he is.”
Dyami moved toward them; the blond man looked at him with frightened dark eyes. His height was deceptive; his handsome but slightly rounded face was a boy's. “Let him be,” Dyami said. “Can't you see he doesn't want that?”
The dark man's eyes narrowed. Dyami noticed now that both were wearing Ishtar's sash. “I guess you think he'd prefer you.”
“Maybe he doesn't want anyone right now. Leave him alone. Enough willing men are here.”
The man tilted his head. “You wouldn't like to—”
“I've had my pleasure. At the moment I need some food.”
The man stared at Dyami for a bit, then walked toward the hallway where the other men had gone. Dyami went to the table, cut himself a piece of bread, ate it hastily, then poured himself some tea. The tea was tepid; he put down the cup and looked back at the boy. “How old are you?” h
e asked.
“Almost fifteen.”
Dyami let out his breath. “Then maybe you shouldn't be here. This isn't a place for a boy, whether he has a man's body or not.”
The tall blond boy sank to the floor. “I know.”
Dyami kicked over a cushion and seated himself next to the boy, who shook back his hair as he glanced warily at him. “Don't worry,” Dyami said. “I don't want a bed-partner now. I'm not used to this either—I wasn't sure what to expect.”
The boy closed his eyes. Dyami studied his face, admiring its boyish beauty, the strong, well-shaped bones under the youthful chubbiness; he would be a beautiful man someday. “Kinsu was lying,” the boy said. “I didn't want to come here. I only said that because I didn't know how to refuse. He's always been able to make me do what he wants, ever since he became my lover.”
“And how long has that been?”
“Over two years. He said he'd been watching me, that he guessed about me. My family thinks I go to his house just to talk—at first, that's all it was. They feel sorry for him because he and his bondmate don't have a child—they don't know he never wanted one. They think it's so nice that he has somebody who's like a son.”
Dyami's gorge rose. The boy must have suffered enough when he realized what he was; the thought of a man preying upon one so young angered him. The boy should have had a companion of his own age, someone less predatory and more innocent. Any man who treated a girl so young in this way would have risked a family's anger, perhaps even disgrace in a hearing if his attentions had been forced or coercion was used. But this boy could not have complained to anyone without shaming himself and admitting what he was.
“He shouldn't have brought you here,” Dyami said. “If the others knew you were so young, they'd probably feel the same way. He should have waited until you were older before he—”
“What difference does it make?” The boy turned his head; his black eyes filled with tears. “It's horrible, what I am. I hate myself—it doesn't matter what he does to me.”
“You mustn't say that. You shouldn't hate yourself just because a lot of people are too ignorant to understand. There are places where no one would care, where we'd be accepted, or at worst mocked only a little. You mustn't believe that your way of showing love to someone else is any less worthy than what others practice. I know how you feel—I'm often afraid myself. There's torment enough for people like us without adding guilt to it.”
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