by Tania Sparks
The line goes quiet for a few seconds and then Scott continues with his conversation, but now he has a slightly more decorous tone, “Look man, Nikki’s Mom is like a Mom to all of us. We’re all going back to Oklahoma, so you’ll just have to figure something out…”
The conversation is interspersed with silence as Scott listens to Bruce’s argument.
“We don’t give a shit about the money Bruce…”
“No we don’t know how long we’ll be…”
“Okay, so the US tour only has a couple of weeks to run, so just cancel the rest of it…”
“We’ll make it up to the fans later…”
“No Bruce, they’ll understand, just be honest with them, tell them the truth…”
Scott sighs loudly then rumbles defiantly, “Just do it man.” He presses the end call button, bringing an abrupt and unconditional end to the conversation. He dials another number and efficiently organizes the jet then makes a further phone call to arrange a limo to take us to the airport.
The next couple of hours go by in a complete blur. I can hardly talk and my mind is a complete scramble. I can barely concentrate as every worst case scenario races constantly back and forth through my head. What if we don’t make it on time and Mom dies before we get there? What if she’s already gone? What about Dad? How’s he handling this terrible situation? He’s all alone with no-one there to support him. How’s he coping? What if this is all some ridiculous mistake and she’s fine after all? What if she’s not fine?
One thing I do know for sure is that I have an amazing group of friends and family that are looking after me and getting me to where I need to be. Cody is constantly by my side, holding my hand and rubbing his thumb supportively over the back of my hand. The others are there for both me and Nikki, even though this must be hard on them as well. Mom is like a Mom to all of us. It’s obvious that we’re all devastated and the atmosphere is very tense and somber.
I feel sick with worry. But somehow I’m shuffled from the hotel, to the limo, to the private jet and then the jet flies us to Oklahoma. I don’t even really know how I physically got here. I don’t remember walking anywhere. I think Cody’s carried me occasionally and I don’t even remember the plane ride. We’re now in a car and are driving to the hospital. The car doesn’t seem to be going fast enough as we anxiously wait to get there as quickly as we can. The driver takes his time and despite the constant jibing from all of us to go faster, he drives cautiously and sticks to the speed limit. Scott reminds us that the last thing we need right now is another car crash, and I guess he’s right.
As soon as we arrive at the emergency entrance to the hospital, the car has barely stopped when we all bolt out of the car and hurriedly sprint inside as fast as we can. Once again Scott takes control and is moving so quickly that he practically crashes into the nurse’s station. He confidently tells them who we are and who we’re here to see. The nurse is very cooperative and tells us that they had been expecting us and promptly directs us to a private seated area where we’re told to wait. We all wait in stunned silence. None of us know what to say, so we sit patiently waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more. I can’t believe this whole situation is happening. It seems surreal, like some terrible nightmare that I hope I wake up from soon.
While everyone else is sitting solemnly, eagerly waiting for some news, Nikki is the only one that’s being vocal. He’s pacing around the room cursing and stomping impatiently. He’s practically pulling his hair out and cursing incessantly as to why someone hasn’t told us what’s going on yet.
After a wait that takes way too long everyone suddenly stands up. I stand as well as I expect to see a doctor come in to update us, but it’s Dad that walks into the room. I can see by the look on his face that the news is not good. His shoulders are slumped and he looks terribly drained and absolutely devastated. I can tell that he’s been crying because his eyes are red and swollen and his cheeks are tear-stained. When he starts to talk his voice is raspy and fraught with emotion. He holds out his arms and gathers us all around. He pulls me and Nikki in close and hugs us tightly. His breathing is labored and I can see he’s struggling to hold back his tears, but he’s trying to be strong. He lifts his head and looks us each determinedly in the eye. He painfully groans, “I’m afraid it’s not good. Your Mom’s in real bad shape. The doctors say she’s not going to make it.”
He sobs desolately and we all weep, sniffle and hold onto each other for support. After a minute or two Dad manages to continue, “The machines are keeping her alive, but they tell me that there’s no hope. They’ve kept the machines going until you got here so you could both say your goodbyes to her before they let her go. But once they turn the machines off, she’s no longer going to be with us. There’s nothing more they can do for her.” His breath catches and a wretched sob falls from his lips as he stammers miserably, “I’m, I’m so sorry.”
My knees go weak and my body feels frail as I struggle to remain standing. There’s a painful ache in the back of my throat, my jaw hurts and my eyes are flooded with tears that overflow and fall freely down my cheeks. This can’t be happening. Not to Mom. She’s my everything. She’s my best friend, my support person, the person that’s always there for me. In fact she’s always there for everyone. It’s not right that she’s being taken from us. She’s so special, how can she be dying? Why her? Why now?
Cody’s holding me, trying to comfort me, but tears are freely spilling down his face too. I look around the room and everyone is crying and is utterly devastated. We hold onto each other in a big group hug, trying to gain some comfort and support from each other, trying to understand why this is happening, holding each other up so that we don’t all collapse onto the floor in a pile of misery.
Nikki starts to wriggle and struggles his way out of the group as he roughly shakes off the arms that are holding him. He steps back from the group and loudly hollers, “No. This is not fucking happening!” He turns his back, stomps out of the room and disappears down the corridor. Dad holds me tightly as we both cry uncontrollably while Scott darts off after Nikki.
After a couple of minutes Scott returns but Nikki’s not with him, “Where did Nikki go?”
Scott replies, “I tried to follow him, but he took off out the front doors and before I could catch up with him he’d jumped in a taxi and had taken off. I’ve tried his mobile phone, but he’s not answering.”
Dad hugs me and tells me, “It’s okay Kitty, he just needs some time, I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”
Dad squeezes me tightly to his chest, trying to comfort me. Everyone else is sitting and quietly comforting each other.
I lift my head, “Can I see her?”
“Sure sweetheart. I’ll take you in to see her now. But I have to warn you. It’s a bit shocking. She has lots of tubes coming out of her that are keeping her alive. She also has a bandage on her head. Apparently she hit the window when the truck smashed into the side of her car.”
I shriek in shock, “Oh god Dad, a truck! How the hell did that happen?”
“Well we don’t know the full story yet, but from what we can tell the truck’s brakes may have failed and he careened through an intersection at full speed. Unfortunately your Mom was travelling through the juncture on a green light. She wouldn’t have even seen the truck coming. It struck the side of her car and pushed it down the road a fair way. Her car was such a mess that she had to be cut out. It took them a while and they thought they’d lost her a few times. She stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating, but they managed to bring her back. The ambulance brought her here as quickly as they could, but the doctors couldn’t do anything to save her, the damage was too great. Now it’s just the machines keeping her alive.”
Dad puts his arm around me and guides me out towards the door of the waiting room. I look back and see the guys all looking so very gloomy. Cody walks up to me and leans in and kisses me on the top of my head. “I’m right here if you need me, okay darlin’?”
> “Okay.” I manage to stammer as I give his hand a squeeze.
Dad guides me out of the room and down the corridor. We reach Mom’s room and he stops us outside the door. He turns me to face him and puts his hands on my shoulders, he looks caringly into my eyes, “Are you sure you’re ready to see her Kitty?”
I nod my head sadly. Dad opens the door. The room is dimly lit and as soon as I walk inside the first thing I notice is the noise of the life support equipment. It’s an eerie sound. The monitors beep in a steady rhythm that sounds like a heartbeat and there is a sucking then puffing sound as the oxygen machine pumps air into her lungs.
Dad lets go of me as I slowly walk towards the head of the bed. Although Mom has all this equipment hooked up to her and has a bandage on her head, and indeed it is quite a shocking sight, I’m thankful that she still looks like Mom. She looks like she’s sleeping. Albeit in a very, very deep sleep that I know she’ll never wake up from. I feel tears trickle silently down my cheeks and I reach up to wipe them away, but they just keep coming, so I let them stream freely down my face.
Dad pulls up a chair close to the top of the bed. I sit and rest my head on Mom’s shoulder and hold her hand. It’s strange that she’s so unresponsive and doesn’t squeeze my hand back. I sit there beside her bed, resting my head on her shoulder, constant tears trickling down my face. Dad settles on the other side of the bed and holds Mom’s other hand.
I don’t know how long I stay there like that, it must be at least a couple of hours, but I think I cry all my tears and eventually fall asleep. I’m woken up by Dad gently shaking my shoulder. “Kitty, sweetheart.”
Cody’s now sitting right next to me. He puts his arm around my shoulder and holds me in a comforting embrace. I look over to Dad, I know that we’re going to have to turn off the machines and I don’t want it to happen yet. I start crying again, “No not yet. I need more time. I don’t want to say goodbye yet.”
Dad joins me. He crouches down beside me and reassures, “It’s okay Kitty, it’s not that time yet. The doctors have given us a bit more time. We’re having a bit of trouble with Nikki. They’ve agreed to keep the machines on until we can get him back here and all say goodbye properly.”
I frown in confusion, “What sort of trouble with Nikki?”
Dad rubs me tenderly on my shoulder, “Well, he disappeared for a while. The guys tell me he’s back at the hotel now, but he’s locked himself in his room and won’t come out. He’s not handling this very well. Trixie’s hopped on a plane and is now in a taxi on her way to the hotel, so we’re hoping that she’ll be able to convince him to come back to the hospital to say good bye.”
“Oh gosh Dad, that’s awful. Nikki shouldn’t be locked away in a room by himself. He needs us all to help him through this.”
“Yeah I know. We all handle things differently sweetheart. Nikki just needs a bit of time. He’ll come around. You’ll see.”
I snuggle my head into Cody’s shoulder as I mumble, “Thank you for staying here with me Cody.”
“No problem. I’m here for you. This is devastating for the rest of us. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you my darlin’.”
Cody strokes my hair, “Do you want a cup of coffee or something?”
I take a deep breath, “Yeah that would be good. Let’s go for a walk. I need to stretch my legs and a coffee sounds nice. It might help, I feel exhausted.”
I give Mom a kiss on her cheek and a gentle squeeze of her hand. I whisper in her ear, “I’ll be back in a few minutes Mom.”
Cody and I walk out of the room hand in hand. I ask Cody, “So Nikki’s just locked himself in his hotel room?”
Cody shrugs his shoulders, “Yeah, well there’s a bit more to it than that, but we didn’t want to worry your Dad even more. Fuck knows he has enough on his plate without worrying about Nikki on top of everything else.”
“What do you mean?” I ask concerned.
“Well, he went missing for about an hour, we tried looking for him at all the old hangouts. We ended up figuring out that he’d called by one of our old ‘acquaintances’ and had managed to score some blow. We’re hoping that he’ll be able to resist the temptation and won’t relapse, but this hell with your Mom is hard and it’s really shook him up badly. I hope he has the willpower not to give in. We all know it’s damned easy to resort to drugs when you’re an ex-addict so he might be tempted to get out of his own head for a while. We’ve all been tempted at one point or another and if anything’s going to push him over the edge, this might be it.”
Now I’m really concerned. Nikki and the other guys worked so hard to get clean and quit the whole drug scene. They wouldn’t have been able to do it unless they had all resolved to quit at the same time, it took a massive effort and a big commitment from all of them. Then I get concerned that if Nikki has in fact relapsed and has given in to his habit, I wonder where he is, I hope like hell that he’s not in some shit hole of a druggie hang-out or slumped in some alleyway somewhere, I anxiously ask, “But Dad said he’s in a hotel room. Please tell me you’ve found him and that wasn’t just a story to protect Dad.”
“Yeah, yeah, we know where he is, we’re just not exactly sure what sort of state he’s in.”
I frown in confusion, “But if you know where he is, how come you don’t know what state he’s in?”
“He’s checked into the hotel we normally stay in when we’re in town, but like we told your Dad, he’s locked himself in his room and he won’t let anyone in. At the moment he’s still pretty noisy, crashing around and cursing so we don’t think he’s taken anything yet. If he had, he’d be tripping out so he’d probably be tranquil and quiet. We’ve managed to get a spare key from the hotel but the fucker’s barricaded furniture up against the door and we can’t get in.”
“What if he overdoses or something, surely we have to try to get in there somehow?”
“We think we’ve got a bit of time and the guys are trying to communicate with him from the corridor. But anyhow, Trixie will arrive there in the next few minutes. She caught a flight straight here and is on her way to the hotel in a taxi now. We’re hoping that she’ll get there before he does anything stupid. Trixie’s going to try to talk to him, calm him down and get him to open the door. The idea is that she’ll convince him to come back here so he can say goodbye to your Mom properly. We’re just all hoping that he won’t be as high as a fuckin’ kite.”
“I hope he’s okay.”
“He’ll be fine. Your brother has more sensibility and courage than he thinks. He won’t cave. He’s stronger than that. I have faith in him.”
“I hope you’re right Cody.”
“Look Kitty, even if I’m not right and he does surrender to the temptation, we’re here to get him through. The Oblivion boys will make sure he gets back on the straight and narrow. It won’t be a problem. We won’t let it be a problem. He’s our brother and we care too much to allow him to do that to himself. The rest of us are all determined to stay clean. Now if we all caved at the same time, then that might be another story…”
He chuckles then continues, “But, those days are well in our past. Our main problem was the way we used to spur each other on and the craziness would just catapult us all into trying to outdo each other. We’re stronger than that now, and hopefully we’re not as stupid. We know better. We’ll get through this. It’ll be hard, but we’ll help each other cope, and we’ll do it without the aid of mind-altering substances.”
After grabbing a really bad coffee from the dispensing machine we make our way back to Mom’s room. As we get to the door we look inside and see Dad is still sitting on a chair at the side of the bed, holding Mom’s hand. He’s whispering something to her that we can’t quite make out, but it sounds like a goodbye, it sounds like he’s reassuring her and telling her how much he loves her. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to watch. We decide to give him a bit of privacy and wait down the corridor so he can have some alone time with Mom. After about fifteen minutes
we make our way back inside the room. Cody sits down on the seat on the other side of Mom and encourages me to sit on his lap. I sit down and snuggle into his strong torso, resting my head on his shoulder. It feels really comforting.
Less than half an hour passes when all the others stroll into the room. I notice instantly that Nikki is with them and he looks sad and devastated, but definitely not stoned. He must have resisted any urges to resort to drugs and I’m so proud of him for repelling that craving. I jump up from Cody’s lap, stroll straight up to Nikki and hug him tightly in my arms. Dad gets up too and embraces both of us warmly as we all flounder in our grief.
Nikki quietly speaks as he explains humbly, “Sorry I took off, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to accept that Mom was…” His focus moves over to Mom who’s lying on the bed, tubes and machines hooked up to her and the sorrow on his face deepens even more.
Dad rubs Nikki affectionately on his shoulder and tells him reassuringly, “It’s okay son, we understand. This is hard on all of us and everyone copes in different ways.”
After spending a few minutes hugging each other we all walk over to Mom and surround the bed, each of the guys places their hand on the blanket as if trying to offer or gain some comfort.
Scott once again takes charge and speaks up authoritatively, “Okay guys,” He looks at each of the band in turn, “I think we need to say our goodbyes to Mom and then we’ll give Nikki, Kitty and Dad some time alone so they can say their goodbyes in private.”
They all nod their heads and one by one, they walk up to the head of the bed. They each kiss Mom on her forehead and whisper their personal goodbye to her. They all have tears streaming freely and unashamedly down their faces.