by Tania Sparks
I take a look around the table and notice that each of the boys have tears in their eyes as they listen, transfixed to what Nikki is reading out.
Now a very important message to each and every one of you, so listen up. Don’t dwell on my passing. I’d like you to hold a nice service for me. I don’t want you wearing any stuffy suits just because it’s a funeral. I would like you to wear what you would normally wear to perform on stage. I’d like you to play some of your music at the service. Then once the formalities are all done, I insist that you move on with your lives, continue touring, continue to love what you do, don’t stop for even one day because of me. The last thing I want is everyone sitting around moping and sad. Make the most of every moment because you don’t know when it will be your last. Carry on making me proud. I’ll be watching over you and I’ll be smiling at all your antics and hilarities.
I love you all, take care.
Lots of love
Mom
By the time Nikki has read out the entire note, we’re all sniffling and tears are streaming down our faces. We stand up and embrace each other, taking some comfort in hearing the last words Mom left for us.
~~~
The next few days go by in a complete blur. My mind is consumed by sadness and time seems to whizz by. I spend a lot of time just sitting in Mom’s favorite chair, trying to remember all the great times we’ve all shared over the years. Everything still smells of her and I can sense her presence all around me, but I know that won’t last for long. It will soon disappear and this emptiness I’m feeling will only get worse.
I feel like I’m surrounded by sadness and sorrow. Yeah I’m sad, but it’s more harrowing than just that. I’ve never been one to suffer from depression, but this is like I’m slipping into a darkness, into a place I do not like, but have no control over. I’m completely useless to anyone and I’ve been unable to assist with any of the funeral arrangements. Luckily Dad and Nikki, along with the assistance of all the others, seem to be making progress. They constantly give me updates to let me know what is being done, but I just sit and nod my head. Cody is constantly checking on me, if he’s not sitting by my side, he’s close by. He asks me constantly if I need him to get anything, but I don’t, so I just say no. I know everyone is worried about me, but I wish they’d just leave me alone. Everyone grieves differently, and this is my way of grieving.
~~~
The funeral was a few hours ago and it was both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. I can’t help but feel a very deep sadness at the loss of Mom, but the speeches were extremely moving. So many people knew her and she’d touched the lives of so many. We heard stories about her that I had never heard before, stories of love, sharing and community. She was obviously not only an amazing Mom to me and Nikki, a great second Mom to the Oblivion guys, a soul mate to my Dad, but also such an important, valued and cared for person in the community.
We’re now back home at the wake. There’s an overwhelming number of people in our house and every single one of them seems to be making a point of seeking me out to offer their condolences. I know they’re only being nice, but the weight of having to constantly say thank you is wearing me down quickly and is only making me even sadder and sadder by the minute. I decide that I need a few minutes to myself, a bit of quiet time so I can just sit and remember Mom and try to make sense of this devastating situation that I feel I am in no way prepared for. I decide to go to the place in the house where I feel Mom’s presence the strongest and the one place where I know none of our visitors will be, Mom’s sewing room.
I politely push my way through the crowd. I constantly get stopped and hugged by various people, some I know, some I don’t. This all feels very surreal. I finally make my way down the corridor and to Mom’s sewing room. The door is closed. I turn the handle and push it open. As I walk inside I see that I’m not the only person that thought this room was a great place to escape to. Nikki’s sitting on the floor, his back is against the wall, he’s alone and he’s holding a picture frame. I recognize the frame and I know it’s the one of Dad, Mom, him and me, posing with silly cocktails in our hands as we celebrated Mom’s birthday last year.
I walk inside and close the door behind me. Nikki holds out his arms indicating for me to sit down on the floor next to him, he somberly says, “You needed a bit of peace and quiet too huh?”
I settle myself down next to him and answer, “Yeah, too many people down there. I needed to find a place where I could just think and remember her, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. This room feels like Mom’s still here. It smells like her. It feels like she’s actually here too.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes, both of us looking at the picture in the frame and considering how we’re going to cope without her. Nikki reaches up and opens the drawer on Mom’s sewing table. He pulls out a glass jar that is full of Mom’s favorite candy. I had almost forgotten about Mom’s little secret stash. There would be days when I’d sneak in here when she was sewing and she’d offer me one or two. I thought it was our little secret. I say to Nikki, “You knew about her candy jar too?”
“Yeah, I knew. I also noticed that she always topped them up with our favorite ones. I honestly don’t know whether she really even ate them herself, but the jar was always full. I have a sneaky suspicion that she kept them here for us.”
I snicker, Nikki’s probably right. Now I think about it Mom hardly ever ate candy, she didn’t have a sweet tooth and always complained that it was too sickly sweet. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but that jar was always topped up with my favorites. I just sort of presumed she liked the same ones as me and Nikki, but now I start to realize that she probably kept them just for us. It breaks my heart even more.
I sit here thinking about Mom’s letter and I’m really struggling to know what to do from here, I ask Nikki, “I know Mom said we should move on and continue with our lives, but I feel so sad, so lost, how do we even attempt to go on without her?”
Nikki takes a deep breath and replies, “Yeah I know, it’s really hard but I guess we do it one step at a time, day by day, but we remember her every day.”
“It’s going to be hard, being here in this house. I see Mom everywhere. Every single thing that I lay my eyes on, I see her. It’s going to be so difficult.”
Nikki raises his eyebrows and asks, “So you’re planning on staying here. You’re not going to come back to LA with us?”
I rest my head on his shoulder, “No, I think Dad needs me.”
Nikki takes a deep breath, “Does Cody know you’re not coming with us?”
I reply simply, “No.”
“He’s not going to like that you know.”
“I know. I don’t like it either, but I don’t think I have a choice.”
“When are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm, don’t leave it until when we’re heading to the airport. He’ll be devastated you know, he’s sorta got attached to you.”
“Yeah, I’ll talk to him before you go.”
“Sorry I have to leave you here all alone Kitty.”
“I’m not alone, I have Dad.”
“Yeah, he’ll really need you too, but I worry about you Kitty, who’s going to look after you?”
“I’m a big girl, I can look after myself.”
“You promise to call me if you need to talk okay?”
“Yeah, I will.”
We sit in silence for a few more minutes, Nikki’s arm wrapped around my shoulder, my head resting on his shoulder. There’s a knock on the door and Dad pokes his head inside. He smiles warmly and says, “Thought I’d find you two in here. I feel like sitting and hiding in here too, but we have people out there that want to pay their respects. They’re starting to ask for you. I know it’s not what you really want to do right now but it’s just today, then they’ll all go and we can have some quiet.
Me and Nikki both sigh sadly at the same time. Nikki ho
lds out the candy jar to Dad. Dad walks inside the room and takes some candy from the jar, he smiles and tells us, “She always kept this jar hidden away in here, but when she was in here sewing I’d call in with a cup of tea for her and she’d always offer me some candy. She had a knack of always having my favorite ones. Me and Nikki both smile at each other knowingly. Obviously Mom had kept stocks of all of our favorite candy, she had made out that it was her candy, but it is obvious that she really chose it for us.
Nikki stands up and holds out his hand, pulling me up from the ground too. “Come on Kitty, let’s go and see the people.”
All three of us wrap our arms around each other then walk out of the room to see our guests.
Chapter 15
The funeral was a few days ago and we’re sitting around the hotel suite when the conversation turns to the guys pending return to LA. Apparently the plan is to head back tomorrow morning. They start discussing what the schedule will be over the next few weeks. They have just the one week to work their way through some recording at the studio before they head off on their European leg of the tour. The guys are pretty excited to be getting back on the road and they’re all keen to wrap up the last recordings in LA before heading out again.
Cody squeezes my knee and says, “You all packed and ready to head to Cali?”
A sudden pang of trepidation settles deep in my stomach. I’ve been too apprehensive to tell him that Dad needs me here and I’ll be staying in Oklahoma to look after him. I squeeze Cody’s hand that’s still resting on my knee. “I won’t be going to California Cody.”
All of the conversations in the room suddenly fall silent. I guess none of them had been expecting me not to come with them. Cody’s just sitting there in stunned silence with his mouth hanging open in shock. The others all start to bombard me with questions…
Scott asks, “Why won’t you be coming with us Kitty?”
Ash says, “I thought you had another week or two before school starts again.”
Hansen comments confusedly, “I thought you and Cody were a thing now, we all sorta presumed…”
Nikki just shakes his head in frustration. He was the only one that knew I wasn’t planning on going with them. He’s been trying to get me to tell Cody, but I’ve been putting it off and then putting it off some more.
Cody grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet as he growls quietly, “Did you not think to tell me this? Why the fuck haven’t you said anything?” He sounds distraught.
I drop my eyes in embarrassment. I know I should have spoken to Cody about this before now. It’s been constantly on my mind, but I just didn’t know how to tell him. I know that this will mean the end of our relationship so I’ve been completely avoiding the inevitable. But I have to stay here at home to look after Dad, he’s still absolutely devastated and he’s been so used to Mom looking after him. I know he won’t cope. I have responsibilities and duties, I have to stay at home, I don’t have a choice. And besides, school starts again soon. I’d have to come back in about a week anyway.
Cody spins me around to face him. All eyes in the room are focused on us as everyone realizes that this is a really big issue between us. Cody growls, “What about us? I’d thought you’d come back with us to LA, I thought we’d have at least another week together. I knew you’d have to go back to school eventually and I’d have to head over to Europe. But not yet, I thought we’d have more time.”
“I can’t,” I reply sadly as I drop my chin to my chest.
Cody tugs at my hand and starts dragging me towards our bedroom as he rumbles, “We need to talk, excuse us everyone.”
As soon as we get inside he closes the door. He’s standing looking out the window, his back is to me. I sit down on the bed waiting for him to speak. The room is silent until he mumbles in a voice full of frustration, “Kitty, we need more time. To stop now just feels so wrong.”
He turns around to face me and the look of disappointment on his face stabs me straight in my heart. He implores, “What about us?”
I’ve had so much time to think about this over the past few days and I’ve convinced myself that we just couldn’t make it work. We can’t continue our relationship when he’s on the other side of the country and even further away once Oblivion head off to Europe. Surely it’s best to cut those ties now. We’d only be delaying the inevitable.
I stand up, hold both of his hands in mine and mutter quietly, “There will be no us Cody.”
Cody’s body stiffens and his eyes snap to mine. “No! You’re wrong!”
I try to explain myself, “We can’t. It won’t work. I need to stay here and look after Dad and I still have to go back to school in a weeks time. You need to go and finish recording in LA and then you’ll have your European tour. It was incredible while it lasted but I’m letting you go Cody. I hope we can still be friends.”
His face turns to steel as he takes an angry step backwards, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Are you really going to stand there and give me that whole bullshit line of, ‘it’s not you, it’s me. Let’s just be friends’, Shit Kitty, I thought I meant more to you than that!”
“You do Cody. You mean everything to me, but we have no choice. Our lives just don’t…meld.”
I can see the thoughts flicker through his head as he tries to figure out how we can make this work, but I can see he’s quickly coming to the same conclusion that I have. He slumps down onto the bed so he’s sitting on the edge of the mattress. He tugs anxiously at his hair as he mulls everything over in his head. He knows I’m right and a cloud of disappointment engulfs both of us.
After a minute or two of complete silence a sparkle of hope starts to twinkle in his eyes. I can see that he thinks he’s found a solution. He looks up to me and says, “Just one week. Surely your Dad can cope for one week. Every time we go over there he has a hoard of people fussing around and looking after him. He has friends and neighbors. He’s not going to be left by himself and he’s been given enough meals by well-wishers to last him a freaking month. You can phone him from LA every day, or more often if you want. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Come on Kitty, one more week, that’s all I’m asking for, just one more week. Please.”
I sit down on the bed next to him. I can feel myself start to relent. I know that the reality is that Dad will be fine, for the next week anyway. Cody’s right, Dad has a lot of friends that are looking after him. Maybe he could do without me for just seven days. It’s more likely that he’ll need me later on anyway, in a few weeks, when all the well-wishers have gone back to their normal lives and Dad has to struggle by himself. I really need to be there for him then, but the next week…maybe…I sit pondering my options while Cody waits patiently for me to consider his point. He gently rests his hand on my knee and I can feel a sparkle of hope emerging, maybe one more week with Cody would be good, we could have more time…
Cody can see that I’m starting to change my mind and he takes the opportunity to use the effect he has on me to his advantage. He starts to run his fingertips up and down my thigh seductively. Goosebumps prickle over my skin and a tingle runs down my spine. His hand feels so thrilling on my leg. How am I going to cope without his touch?
He shuffles back onto the mattress and lies down on his side. Resting up on one elbow, he encourages me to lie down. I shuffle back and lie next to him. His hand clasps me around my waist and slips just under my tank top. He grins mischievously and mumbles, “I bet I can convince you that an extra week is a really good idea.”
I laugh and mumble back, “Well you can be pretty convincing.”
His hand moves to my face and he cups my chin affectionately. His eyes are sparkling with admiration as he leans in and his lips whisper softly over mine. He starts to kiss me, our lips meld together, gently at first, but increasing in intensity as we get more and more lost in each other.
While we’re still kissing he grasps the hem of my tank top and pulls it up and over my head, separating our lips for just a second to allow the clo
thing to be removed. His lips start to travel over my collar bone while his hands caress me softly. His fingers expertly move to the button on my jeans which are quickly undone, tugged down my legs and discarded to the floor. I clamber to start to remove his clothes too and within a few seconds we’re both completely naked. He positions himself on top of me and settles comfortably between my thighs. I can feel his hardness, but he slides lower down my body and proceeds to kiss and suck at my breasts, gently dragging his tongue slowly around my nipples. He makes me feel so good, so cherished. I can’t imagine not having him around to make me feel like this. Maybe one more week…
He repositions himself beside me and his hands smooth over my entire body, caressing, massaging and causing electricity to zing all over my body. I start to ache for him to touch me more intimately. As if reading my mind his hand moves to my pussy and a couple of fingers gently slip inside. We both groan in unison as Cody mutters, “Hell, you’re soaked already.” He reaches over to the bedside table, gets out a condom and puts it on then once again repositions himself so he’s over the top of me. He rumbles, “Wrap your legs around me darlin’.” I wrap my legs around him and use my legs to pull him even closer to me. He’s right there, right at my entrance, hard, ready and oh so tempting. I raise my hips to encourage him, demonstrating what I want. He ever so slowly nudges inside me, but just a little bit, such an enticing tease, then he withdraws. He does the same thing again as I moan, “Oh, please Cody, more, I need more, I need you to push harder.” He continues to tease me, just edging inside me by only an inch or two. He rotates his hips and then withdraws again. He’s driving me crazy with need, I need more and I need it now. I use my legs to pull him even tighter to me and he chuckles, “What do you want Kitty?”