Dr. Reade attempted to explain that she mistakenly equated his pedophilic advances with his love for her and her worth as a person, and not a manifestation of his own psychological and social deviances. Dr. Reade suggested to Natalie that this was a particularly common outcome for victims of sexual abuse, though she thought Natalie’s was a peculiar situation, as she internalized her own blood as an object of uncleanliness, whereas most victims equate their vagina or breasts.
She reasoned to Natalie that many victims of sexual abuse experienced intimacy issues because of their difficulty in dissociating healthy sexual attitudes from those which the abusers impressed upon them.
Natalie chose not to tell Dr. Reade that she regularly vomited after sex. It was conveniently omitted in her preliminary interviews that she allowed five members of her high school football team to have sex with her at a party and ejaculate onto and into her body.
She would later pretend it never happened when they jaunted her as she walked the halls. Perhaps the doctor’s judgment would be too much…Too much like the judgment her mother forced to face as she disclosed her actions before a curious congregation who would later brand her with epithets that suited her actions. The pastor that she would confess her sins to at her mother’s persistent urging, too sadistically explored her body, claiming to rid her of the demons that possessed her.
She relished the fact that only Vera knew of her promiscuosity, though she constantly berated her in mock of it. Even at this moment, Vera’s cruelty would not relent.
“That’s right you little slut, you just sit their and cry. Such a fucking coward. Why do you even bother waking up? Nobody cares about you. You’re dirty now.” Vera said in a menacing and increasingly militant tone.
She was determined to incite Natalie’s fragile sensibility.
“I’m not dirty.” Natalie whispered back in contrast to the loud and belligerent Vera.
Still clutching her ears, Natalie repeated the statement over and over, hoping that it would make Vera disappear in frustration as she had in the past. Today would be different. Natalie’s continuous whispers infuriated Vera who lashed back with damning vengeance.
“The hell you’re not. Why don’t you just prove it? Where are the babies? Huh?” Vera asked in a sing-song voice that seemed aimed at mocking Mary’s hushed and childlike tones. Natalie fought back.
“Stop it. Stop it you miserable little bitch. You want me to be crazy. Well, fuck you, leave me alone!” Natalie neglected her quiet tones and began to scream as loud as her voice and throat would allow. “Leave me alone! Leave me alone!” Natalie cried as she tucked herself into a fetal position.
Vera would not relent. “I know why the babies didn’t come. God said you were too dirty. That’s right. God knew what all of us knows. Everything about you is too filthy for anything good like a baby. Aint that right, Nat? Aint that why you can’t have no babies?” Vera asked cynically.
This pushed Natalie beyond an ability to control her rage. She reached for one of the pieces of broken glass and began to cut Vera. She was determined to get rid of her once and for all, even if she ended her own life in the process. Natalie continued to rip her flesh with the jagged chard of glass until the room became dim and she felt her eyes grow heavier. She surrendered to the darkness that now invaded the room.
She remained unconscious in a pool of her own blood until a police officer called by a frantic Dr. Reade broke down the door to get in. As the paramedics struggled to regain a pulse for the now limp and troubled woman, they couldn’t help but notice that the slacks of her very expensive business suit were still neatly pressed. Her makeup remained, despite the chaos and turmoil of the tragedy, flawless.
Two days later, Natalie awoke in a bed at Westvalo Psychiatric Center. It was one of the nicer hospitals in the area. The mayor’s wife was rumored to have spent a week or two at the facility after learning that her husband had fathered a child with a woman on his staff. The room that Natalie had was ornately decorated with rich cherry wood furniture, lush flooring, and a private bathroom that boasted a garden tub and separate shower. Natalie wondered who had to be threatened for her HMO to agree to pay for this.
As she attempted to adjust herself on the bed, she noticed how heavily bandaged her arms and wrist were and instantly cringed at their implications. She wasn’t ready to explain to people why she started cutting herself in the places that she knew held the most blood. She wasn’t ready to explain why the word “Dirty” had been carved into the palm of her hands with chards of broken glass. She wasn’t prepared to pretend that what happened was accidental, when she secretly hoped that she would be successful in her attempt.
She sensed that the serenity of the room seemed staged, as if she were being watched, and she instantly rang the nurse’s buzzer for a semblance of human interaction. She was greeted instead by Dr. Reade, who appeared to have a look of relief on her face to see that Natalie was displeased with her arrival. Dr. Reade approached her cautiously. The look of pity on the doctor’s face instantly made Natalie uneasy and she struggled to mask her contempt.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Dr. Reade asked Natalie as she stood next to the extravagant four-poster hospital bed.
“Good, I guess”. Natalie replied without inflection.
Dr. Reade’s facial expression was a mass of disbelief and curiosity. Natalie suddenly felt particularly self-conscious and brushed her long hair back away from her face. Her hair felt brittle like it had been shampooed with cheap products. She decided not worry about it at that moment. She was, after all, being watched.
“I imagine I have had better days.” Natalie said while flashing Dr. Reade a half-hearted smile and a quick glance at her bandaged wrists.
“You’ve been through a lot, Natalie. Sometimes we just need to escape. We all have our own crosses to bear.” Dr. Reade attempted to be diplomatic.
Natalie felt the pang of judgment and loathed it. She remained tight lipped as the doctor continued.
“What’s important now is that you have help, and now you can rest.” Dr. Reade finished.
Natalie hated the way she placed emphasis on “rest”. It sounded too much like death.
“Dr. Reade, I appreciate you getting me here. I really do. But I am not crazy and I certainly don’t need people telling me what I already know. I don’t know how long I can stay in here. I have a life…” Natalie started.
Dr. Reade put her hands on Natalie’s shoulder as if to calm her like she was raving. Natalie was secretly enraged by this.
“Natalie, I know that you don’t feel like you have a problem, but honestly, I wouldn’t be a credible physician if I allowed you to ignore the fact that you attempted to end your life.” Dr. Reade asserted.
“I don’t think that you understand. I didn’t take my medication or I messed it up somehow, but I knew that something was wrong. I would never try to kill myself. This is just a misunderstanding. I don’t need to be here.” Natalie recognized that she was beginning to sound like every other person she had met while “resting” and corrected her posture immediately.
“Natalie, this isn’t permanent. We just want to lp you with your issues so that you don’t harm yourself again. Believe me, I know that you want to get back to your normal routine, but it’s important that you do this first.” Dr. Reade placed her hand on Natalie’s hand for effect.
Natalie snatched her hand away immediately. Dr. Reade had too much experience with Natalie’s attitude to allow it to offend her. She pitied Natalie’s refusal to see herself for the wreck that she was. Though she vowed long ago not to form personal judgments about her patients, Dr. Reade could not help but wonder if Natalie would have been different if her mother loved her in a more tangible way. She had secretly grown to hate working with black patients who constantly refused to allay any of their emotional flaws on their sainted mothers.
“How long will I be here?” Natalie’s voice startled Dr. Reade back to reality. Natalie seized the opportunity to continue.
“I need to make arrangements for work, and I have appointments and…”
“You will only be here for a few weeks, the doctors are…”
“What the hell do you mean a few weeks? I can’t stay in this place that fucking long. I already told you that I am fine. I don’t know why you can’t seem to get that shit through your head, but you can bet your ass that I won’t be here THAT long. I have a very important job and if I am gone…”
“Listen Natalie, this is not up for discussion. As your physician, I am telling you that you need to stay here. If you leave, then I can’t be responsible for what happens to you. You are free to leave on your own accord. No one can force you to stay here, but by law, you can’t be released after attempting to take your life for at least 36 hours. And then you must have supervision if you are released. Chances are, if you leave here, you will likely be arrested for endangerment, and you will start this entire process again. This is not a game and you need to understand that.” Dr. Reade was as forceful as her soft, hollow voice would allow. The speech seemed to appeal to Natalie as she drank Dr. Reade’s every word.
She was preparing herself to pounce. She waited until she was sure that the doctor was done and decided to launch her own assault.
“As a matter of fact, Ms. Reade, I am well aware of my rights and resent your attempt to force me into staying in this overpriced nut house. As for supervision, that can easily be arranged, I will hire a nurse or someone to help with my rehabilitation. I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but you have no right to come in here and speak to me like I am some kind of…psycho.” Natalie said as she rolled her eyes at the doctor.
“And as a matter of fact, if I can be released on my own accord, then you really have nothing to do with this. In fact, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call the nurse.” Natalie angrily said as she sat up in the bed, placing her hands flush against the bed to balance herself. She refused to acknowledge the pain as she thought it would give Dr. Reade a small victory.
The buzzer sounded as Natalie pressed the button labeled “NURSE” and a woman with a particularly cheerful voice answered. Her happiness instantly nauseated Natalie and a frown overtook her face.
Dr. Reade watched in disgust with her arms folded and an undeniable look of annoyance on her face.
“Yes, I need to see my physician as soon as possible.” Natalie snapped at the annoying sound of the nurse’s voice.
“Is there something that I can help you with?” The cheerful nurse countered, eager to avoid paging a doctor for yet another whining patient. She had been scolded sharply for interrupting the very busy work of physicians.
“Yes, you can help me. You can get my damned doctor.” Natalie snapped at the nurse.
Dr. Reade covered her face in embarrassment.
Natalie was too irate to notice.
The nurse, who had been previously briefed about Natalie’s case history, was hardly humored by the comment. She remained composed and ansred Natalie in a tone that suggested that she was only answering the question out of duty and not courtesy. She spoke deliberately slow as she explained to Natalie that her primary physician had left for the day, but the attending physician would eventually return after making his rounds.
“What the hell do you mean after he has seen other patients? I want out of the place and I need to start the paperwork as soon as possible…” Natalie responded to the intercom. She was appalled as she heard the nurse promptly click the intercom to the “OFF” position.
Dr. Reade saw Natalie’s growing fury and seized the opportunity to prevent further incident.
“Listen, Natalie, I will start the paperwork if that’s what you really want to do, but I have to tell you that it is against my professional advice.” Dr. Reade said begrudgingly.
“Actually, Dr. Reade, your professional advice hasn’t been worth shit lately. I went to your sessions regularly for what? There is nothing wrong with me and I am tired of telling you this. You must have misdiagnosed me because had I been given the right medication, then I would not be here.” Natalie said.
Dr. Reade knew that Natalie was referring to her constant requests for Valium that the doctor repeatedly denied. She was becoming increasingly annoyed with Natalie and found it difficult to overlook Natalie’s constant insults.
“Natalie, I’d like to think that the medication that I prescribed, when taken properly and not abused, works well. Your psychosis is too fragile for anti-depressants that might trigger more frequent psychotic episodes, and I think it was in your best interest that you maintained the regiment of medication that you were using. But again, if you would like to seek a second opinion, then you are more than welcome to do so.” Dr. Reade said sharply to Natalie as she retrieved her camel colored leather attaché and rifled through it for the discharge paperwork.
Natalie prepared herself for the ensuing battle that she was about to wage.
“You know Dr. Reade, I don’t particularly care for the way you have handled this entire situation. You have admitted me against my will, notified my employer without my permission, and you have even falsified my condition. I am not suicidal and I happen to know that those are the only grounds for keeping me here. In fact, you should be thanking God that I haven’t sued your ass for malpractice.” Natalie said as she sat straight up in the bed and attempted to stand to her feet. Her resentment of Dr. Reade had finally surfaced, and she wasn’t about to stop herself.
Dr. Reade had successfully retrieved the paperwork and began to write frantically in her required section. She knew better than to provoke Natalie, but was growing tired of her ranting. She decided that she was going to have to release Natalie as her patient for the sake of her own professional ethics. She was growing to hate her and did not want her own personal feelings to interfere with her ability to treat her patient.
Natalie detected Dr. Reade’s resistance and took advantage of it. As she stood, she was careful to make sure that she pointed directly in the face of her physician.
“You have been jealous of me since I started coming to you. You try to make me think that I am crazy because you think that you are better than me. Well, I have news for you Dr. Reade. Your little degrees don’t mean a fucking thing. You are the same ugly assed girl that nobody wanted to be around in college. I know that the only reason you married a white man is because none of the brothers wanted your lame ass…”
Dr. Reade removed her glasses patiently.
“Okay, that’s about enough Natalie. I have endured your abuse because you are sick, but this is where I draw the line. You have tested my professional courtesy and my patience. Your sickness is no reason for you to behave like the spoiled little princess that you have. I can no longer have you as my patient, and I am referring you to anot psychologist that is better equipped to handle your situation. Here are your discharge papers and good luck in the future.” Dr. Reade said to Natalie as she snatched her belongings and started toward the door.
Natalie quickly lunged in front of her and peered directly into the doctor’s eyes. She wasn’t about to take a rejection as great as that without a challenge. She summoned the strength and sprang into action. The force of her lunge took her breath away and winded her for a moment. As she struggled to maintain her breath, she took on the look of a deranged woman clinging to her last semblance of sanity. This forced the doctor to take a step back, as she thought that Natalie was preparing to assault her. Noting this, Natalie spoke.
“Who the hell do you think you are? I am tired of you and your indignant pretension. I ignored your snide comments and pretended not to notice your looks, but I am not blind. You call yourself a doctor and you don’t know shit about me or my case. You damned right I am going to see another physician because it is obvious you don’t know what the fuck you are doing.” Natalie started.
An orderly walking the floor looked in at the sound of raised voices, but was quickly turned away by the look of hot anger on Natalie’s face when he was about to enter the room
. She continued when he was gone.
“Why don’t you do one useful thing and give me the damned discharge papers so I don’t have to see your ass again. It’s been real, bitch.” Natalie said as she looked the doctor up and down and then looked in the direction of the door.
Dr. Reade had stood peering at Natalie with a stoic look on her face that suggested that she had prepared herself for Natalie’s tirade. She laid Natalie’s paperwork on the desk near the bed and started purposefully towards the door. She stopped at the entrance and turned slowly as she began to speak.
“You know Natalie, I am sorry that I couldn’t help you, but I need you to know that I have never jeopardized my professionalism and confidentiality with you. I imagine that you will soon realize that the problems that you have mentioned were unfounded. Rather you like me or not, you failed to look at one thing. I am not the one admitted to a mental hospital, you are. Good luck Ms. Logan.” Dr Reade said as she exited the hospital room. The sound of her expensive shoes hitting the tiled floors of the halls echoed in Natalie’s ears.
Natalie rushed to the door and slammed it with all of the force that she could muster. Tears streamed down her face and Natalie rushed to the bathroom to wash her face that now appeared lifeless and dull. She splashed cool water onto her face and cursed herself for not maintaining her composure. She let the doctor’s words seep into her mind and she slowly began to process them as if they held the meaning of her life.
She reached for the towel to dry her face and inhaled it’s freshness for a while. She began to sob into it quietly. She wiped her face yet again and stood erect in the small bath area, willing her strength and decidedly reclaiming her sanity.
As she exited the bathroom, she glanced in the mirror. She stood frozen as she saw a cold and worn face staring back at her. She cringed at the reflection. It was Vera. Vera, to Natalie’s horror, bore a striking resemblance to her mother. “Noooo!” Natalie mumbled as she let herself slip out of consciousness and away from reality.
A Price to Pay for Everything Page 11