by Suzy Shearer
“Yes, you’ve told me this all my life, too,” Alex answered dully.
“Yes, I have. I’ve been unlucky enough to fall in love a few times, and every single time I told the woman I loved her she twisted the knife into my heart, and then she left. At least you’ve been smart enough to have your little flings without getting involved. I taught you well.”
Bunny came back chattering about how beautiful the bathroom was and asked if her “sweetie pie” would take her to buy a pretty dress tomorrow. Alex felt ill, not only because of the sickening way his father was behaving but also because of the callous view he had on relationships. All at once Alex realised he was exactly the same as his parents. He may not fight with his partners, but he was quite prepared to walk away from them without a second thought—except now, except for Kallie.
He went home that night and saw just how like his father he was. How many relationships had he been in? Granted each one had been purely sexual, but just how many had he? It was sobering to add up the number. Why should he judge his father or mother when he did, and was continuing to do, exactly the same thing?
When Christmas day arrived, Alex paced the floor worried. He was still mulling his parents and his own actions. Dan and Stacy had invited him to their house for the day. The two families tended to swap which house they celebrated in each year, and this year it was Dan’s turn. Stacy had assumed he would bring Kallie. He wanted to, but at the same time it meant getting close to her socially again.
For a few weeks he struggled, trying to think what to buy her as a gift. If he gave her jewellery it would be too personal, but then other things seemed too casual. He didn’t know what to do.
Since his return he’d found it difficult to slip back to his old Dom persona. Most of the time he wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, but if he did and she didn’t feel the same way he knew he wouldn’t be able to bear it.
He had to admit it had floored him when she’d removed her collar. When he come back from Brazil and saw it gone he’d felt weird. Okay, he knew it made perfect sense, but at the same time while she wore it there would be no chance she’d think he might change and collar her. The sad thing was deep down inside he wanted to ask her to wear his collar, but he was so afraid she’d say no and then…then…
No! He wouldn’t think about that!
In the end he settled on a gold charm bracelet. He put a little polar bear on it and tiny German shepherd. He’d have his fingers crossed that she wouldn’t read anything into it when he gave it to her.
When he picked her up on Christmas Day, his heart was beating faster. He couldn’t imagine anyone more beautiful. She’d kissed him with such passion and talked easily on the drive down. Part of him wanted to wrap her up in tinsel and keep her forever. The other part wanted to hold her at arm’s length and not let her touch his heart.
Ha! That was stupid because she was already lodged deep in there.
His mind was in turmoil.
They arrived at Dan’s. It really pleased Alex to see how much Stacy and Kallie liked each other. They giggled together like schoolgirls, and even Dan looked relaxed around Kallie—more relaxed than he was now he’d been trying to keep emotionally distant from her. Dan was teasing her, and she gave back as good as she got. Alex just wished he were making her laugh and act silly.
Lucia and her husband had been given a few days off as had Marie and Charles. Kallie and Stacy went into the kitchen to organise lunch. Alex could hear the two women laughing in the background as he and Dan relaxed.
“So, Alex, how does it feel?”
“How does what feel?”
“Having feelings for someone.”
“Who said I have?”
“Come off it, Alex. Look at you! Name the last time you brought a woman here.”
“I haven’t, and you know it.”
“Exactly. You have to admit it feels good to know you have someone special.”
“Does it?” He stared off into space then turned back to Dan. “It’s dangerous, Dan. What happens if I give in to what I’m feeling? These past months have been hard. I don’t want to get close to her. What happens if Kallie doesn’t love me?”
“Oh I’m pretty sure she loves you, Alex. You only have to see the way she looks at you to know she’s in deep.”
Alex kept shaking his head. “I can’t risk it, Dan. I can’t risk her walking away from me.”
“Fuck, Alex! You keep holding her at bay, and I can tell you now she won’t be able to stay. You’ll lose her, you fool. If you don’t take the risk how the hell do you expect things to go?”
“They can just continue as they are. There’s nothing wrong with that. Kallie gets to see me without any strings, and I don’t risk getting my heart broken by her leaving.”
Alex could hear the frustration in Dan’s voice as he said, “Geez, Alex, you’ve got a fucked-up view of love.”
“You know my father turned up the other week. Wanted to introduce me to his latest flame.”
“I thought he was engaged to that middle-aged British woman.”
“He was,” Alex explained. “But she left him for some younger guy.”
“And he’s got another already?”
“Yep some twenty-three-year-old bimbo who’s sizing up his wallet and hoping to be wife number four.”
Dan got a strange look on his face and nodded his head. “Ah so this is the latest reason for backing off from Kallie,” he said wisely.
“What do you mean?”
“First, your mother left her current husband just before you went to Brazil, and now your father’s fiancée has left him, so you’re panicking and thinking Kallie might leave you.”
“Well you can’t tell me that it’s not a possibility, Dan,” he said uncertainly.
“No I can’t but at the same time, Alex, you have a wonderful woman who’s obviously in love with you. You keep acting like a cold bastard, and I can guarantee that’s what will happen. She’ll leave you. She’ll put up with it for a while, but if you keep acting the way you are she’ll definitely walk.
“Damn it, Alex. You have to let her know how you feel. You have to show her, show her and tell her you love her.”
Alex shook his head. “No. No, I can’t. If she doesn’t return my love, it will kill me.”
“Alex, you’ve never experienced love before. You’ve spent your life wrapped up in work and holding your emotions in check, so you have no real idea of romance and how to react. You’re like an innocent teenager in love rather than a man in his fifties. Understand this—Kallie is a woman who loves you. She may hang in there for a while, but I can almost guarantee if you don’t show her you love her in the end she’ll walk.”
“And if I do tell her and she doesn’t feel the same way then she’ll leave, Dan.”
“Geez, Alex, take a fucking risk.”
He tried to get through to Dan, but he just groaned in frustration at Alex. He kept saying Alex’s cold demeanour would be the reason if Kallie left—it wouldn’t be because she didn’t love him. Alex didn’t agree. His father had shown nothing but love and affection for each of the women he’d been with, yet they’d all left him. Before he could tell Dan, the two women came out with large platters and stopped any further conversation between the two men, but Alex believed he was right.
The conversation turned to lighter things, and then they exchanged gifts. Kallie loved her charm bracelet, and she gave Alex a first edition of Helmet Newton’s 47 Nudes he’d been searching for, for ages. The rest of the day sped past and not surprisingly for Alex he really enjoyed having Kallie beside him. He dropped some of his cold behaviour and just relaxed for the rest of the day.
The four laughed and played silly board games. They sat in front of the fire and drank mulled wine, and when it was time to take Kallie home Alex didn’t want to leave her. Their parting kiss was breathtaking, and he had the urge to ask her to let him spend the night. But then he reminded himself that if he did it would be hard to maintain his di
stance from her. Instead, he tore himself away and drove off down the track, angrily cursing both himself and Kallie.
Chapter Seventeen
Each week that passed Kallie hoped she’d see a spark of genuine emotion in Alex, but each week made her more and more disappointed. He was now holding himself so tight around her. There was no trace from him of any emotion at all. Kallie didn’t hold back with hers, hoping he would respond, but he never did.
The weeks turned into months until over ten months had passed since they’d first met and started going out. It was apparent to everyone but Alex that she was in love with him. Either that or Alex knew and just pretended she wasn’t. Lately when Charles had driven her home he’d apologised.
“I’m so sorry, Miss Kallie. He really should be doing this.”
“Don’t worry, Charlie. It isn’t your fault. He is who he is, and I have to accept that.”
Charles had shaken his head and helped her from the car. She’d gone inside and cried. Sometimes she was so tempted to tell him she loved him, but each time she got close to doing it she would panic, thinking he would leave her.
Kallie wondered how much longer she could continue living like this. She’d cry herself to sleep so often remembering the warm, caring man she knew before they’d sign that blasted contract. It was getting her down. Seven months of being in love and not having it returned. She wished they could go back to those first three months, but still she tried to act natural.
Stacy told her she was wearing herself out trying to pretend it wasn’t affecting her and Kallie knew she was right. She wasn’t sleeping. She’d been losing weight and knew how stressed she always felt. On top of that she knew her emotions were seesawing because of menopause, and today she had PMS. She couldn’t go on like this anymore. Now her physical health, as well as her emotional well-being, beginning to suffer.
“Did you drive your car here, or will I get Charles to take you home?”
Kallie looked at Alex in surprise. “I drove. Surely you realise that. I mean you didn’t send Charles.”
“I thought you may have rung.”
“No. No I didn’t.”
Kallie pulled herself from within his arms and stood. Without looking at him, she gathered up her clothes and went into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror and shook her head. She couldn’t do this any longer.
She had finally faced the truth. At last she realised she was just like every other sub Alex had. Stupidly she had thought she’d be the one to break through the wall he’d built around himself, to melt his frozen heart. He’d shown her that he could be a warmhearted man. He’d dangled the caring, emotional man in front of her but then he’d snatched him away from her. Stupidly she’d believed it when he said he felt different with her, but now he was just as cold. She only had herself to blame. He’d told her he could only be who he really was. Like a fool she’d fallen so deeply in love and now she had to leave him for her own sanity, for her health. What a fool I've been? He's never going to change. No more.
She used the toilet and then dressed. When she walked out into the bedroom, Alex was standing on the balcony. He spoke without turning around.
“I love the view from here—seeing the ocean, smelling it.”
“It’s lovely.” Even to her own ears her voice sounded dead.
Alex turned and looked at her. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this, Alex.”
“What do you mean?”
“Be your sub. I can’t do it any longer.”
“I don’t understand. I thought we had a good relationship.”
“No you don’t understand. I get that.” She stepped toward the balcony wall. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, smelling the ocean. She loved it here, loved him. She turned back. “I should have known this is how things would be but like a fool I thought they’d be different.”
“Different? How?”
Kallie found herself getting irritated, angry. “When we first met”—she shook her head—“no, you were cold then. When you helped me move, you were a different man. You were still the Dom, but you were caring. For those first months you were the sort of man I hoped you were. Then you went to Brazil, and when you came back we signed that damn contract, and everything changed. You changed.”
“I don’t think so. I am who I am.”
“Yes, you are. You’re the frozen Dom, the man who holds everyone at arm’s length—the cold, emotionless Dom. That isn’t the man I was with in the beginning.”
“Kall, I’m sorry you feel that way.” Desperately he said, “You must know how I feel about you.”
“How on earth would I know that?” she demanded. “You hold yourself in check emotionally. You could hate me for all I know.” Kallie clenched her fists and went to walk passed him. When she got close she looked at his face. Even now his emotions were hidden. All she could see was some confusion and maybe a hint of regret. He honestly didn’t get it. She wanted to shake him, get some reaction from that heartless exterior.
“Do you know how many times I’ve slept here? Once! That day I moved into my house and you brought me back here, do you know how many times you’ve driven me home since we signed that fucking contract? Twice! And that was only because Charlie was sick!” She felt her anger rising.
“But, Kall, I love you! You must know that.”
That was the last straw as far as Kallie was concerned. “Love? How on earth would I know that? You’ve never once told me, never shown me.
“Come off it, Alex! You wouldn’t know what love is. Love is wanting to be with someone all the time. Love is going to sleep with them in your arms and waking in the morning to kiss them hello. Love is risking everything. It’s taking the chance that you’re loved in return.”
“I do love you,” he insisted.
Shaking her head Kallie said, “Love isn’t a word. Love is something you feel in your heart, Alex.” She pounded a hand against her chest. “Love is showing all your fucking emotions! Love is…fuck, Alex, you might think you’re in love, but you’re not. You won’t allow yourself to be,” she screamed at him. “You could never feel it in your heart because your fucking heart is still frozen inside your chest!”
She tried to hold back her tears. “I should have realised you really are that obnoxious self-controlled man I first met!”
Kallie pushed past him, grabbed her bag, and raced down the corridor. She almost knocked down Charles as she flung open the front door and jumped into her car. Through her tears she managed to get the car started then recklessly drove out way too fast, her tires screeching as she spun around the driveway and up the road to the gates. She angrily stabbed at the gate opener Alex had given her what felt like years ago.
For the next ten minutes she drove like a maniac before finally pulling to the side of the road. She thumped the wheel, crying. “I hate you, Alex Harrison!” she screamed to the sky. “I wish I’d never met you.”
She had no idea how long she sat parked, there but after a while Kallie drew a huge sob and wiped her eyes. Her phone had been ringing with both calls and text messages, but she just ignored it. She needed to get home and in one piece. Kallie pulled out onto the road again and drove at a reasonable speed. When she arrived home and unlocked the dog door, Zeus raced in and licked her all over when she sank to the floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his fur.
“I don’t hate him, Zeus,” she cried. “I love him more than anything.”
She got to her feet, went into the bedroom, and threw herself on the bed. Maybe she should have waited a few days, talk through things with him. She thought about the things she’d said. Maybe she’d been too angry. Her menopausal blues were raging, so it wasn’t a good time to have an argument with someone. Still she’d said it, and she couldn’t change it now.
She heard her mobile ringing again, at this time of the night it would only be Alex, so she kept on ignoring it. On and on through the next hour it kept ringing. In the end Kalli
e got up and turned it off. She felt such a fool.
Somehow she had to get over him. Her heart broke into a million pieces, and each piece hurt more than the piece before. Even when Peter had died it hadn’t hurt like this, but she knew she couldn’t stay with Alex, not with the way she felt about him. It was impossible for her to love someone, stay with him, and not have it returned. She’d tried so hard for almost a year. But being treated so coldly was almost as painful as leaving him. When she realised how much she loved him she’d tried so hard to stay with him but in the end she just broke her heart.
At some point Kallie fell asleep. She woke with the sun streaming in through the glass and Zeus stretched out alongside her on the bed. She crawled out of bed feeling awful. She had a headache, and she felt bloated and depressed. How much of that was due to Alex and the breakup and how much was due to mood swings or PMS or whatever she had no idea. She felt terrible. That was all she knew. Kallie still had on yesterday’s clothes. She took them off and found a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt to put on.
Wandering into the kitchen she saw her phone on the counter. Picking it up and switching it on, she let out a moan. There were twenty-three missed calls and fifteen text messages as well as seven voice messages—all from the same number—Alex.
She couldn’t handle listening to them. Checking through the texts they all basically said the same thing—he loved her and couldn’t understand why she left.
She switched the phone off again and felt like throwing things. Tears were threatening to fall again. She needed to talk. Picking up the phone again, she turned it back on and dialled Stacy. As soon as she heard Stacy’s voice, the threatening tears fell, and she sobbed.
“Kallie? Kallie, is that you? What’s happened?”
“I’ve left him.” She wailed.
“What? You’ve left Alex? What’s going on?”
“I can’t do it anymore, Stace. I love him so much I ache, but he’s so cold and distant. It hurts too much.”