by Kiki Archer
She jumped down and thumped him on the shoulder. “Alright then,” she slipped her hand down the front of his trousers. “Shame. Your slick, slimy snake, is still sliding southwards.”
He pulled her massaging hand back out.
“Ben?” Something must be wrong.
He sighed and collapsed backwards onto the sofa, patting the black leather seat next to his own. “Babe, sit down.” He took her hands, pulling her down and held them tightly. “I love your tongue twisters and I love you and I hope my tongue doesn’t get all twisted now.”
“You can twist your tongue with me anytime!” Humour was the only way she could deal with situations like these; the inevitable break up. She would laugh it off, claim she felt the same and then wallow in self pity for the foreseeable few months. She smiled and waited for it.
“Something huge has happened.”
“Oh yeah?” She would be blasé, pretend it was no big deal.
“I’ve met someone.”
Lucy paused and tried to think of a funny tongue twister, but nothing came to mind. “Well fuckity fuck fuck fuck.” She couldn’t be blasé, she loved him far too much. “You bloody bollockfaced, buggerdy bastard!” She jumped on top of him and started to bash his chest, her anger and upset was overwhelming. “Now get your sorry arsed, shagging shitload out of here and shove the shitterdy shit shit off ... you sodding sod!”
He grabbed her wrists and tried to restrain her, but her strength was incredible.
“And you can get your paws off me!” She collapsed into his chest as her anger quickly turned to sobs. “Please don’t go Ben. I love you.”
He lifted her chin. “Lucy, I haven’t met another woman.”
“Oh great!” She jumped back off the sofa and kicked him in the shins. “So, you’re leaving me for a man! Well that’s one I’ve not had yet! Guess that just about completes every dumpable excuse in the book.” She stood still, unsure of what to do next.
Ben rubbed his grazed shin and tried not to laugh, none of this was in the slightest bit funny. “Please, just sit down and listen.”
“What, to some new age romantic story about how you’ve met the love of your life and discovered the real you and now you want to settle down with Paul or Steve or Dave or whoever and get a chinchilla.”
“A chinchilla?”
“Yeah, one of those little dogs to carry around in your man-bag!”
Ben smiled. “He is called Benny, and I don’t want a chinchilla.”
“Ben and Benny ... how sweet.”
Ben paused and smiled. “Yeah, he is ... he’s my son.”
Lucy looked at Ben and waited for the punch line. “Huh?”
“Please just sit down and let me start again.” He tapped the black leather sofa with trepidation. “But please, no more man-handling.”
She frowned at him. “So you’ve not been man-handling?”
“No of course not!”
Lucy plonked herself down. “Did you just say you had a son? Start speaking ... and sorry about your shins ... and the shitload of swearing.”
Ben laughed, relieved that her venting seemed to be over for now. What she appeared to be was incredibly confused, and who could blame her he thought, wondering where on earth to begin. “Remember last year when I thought Jess was going for an abortion and I got mad?”
“How could I forget? You dumped me because of it.”
He ruffled his short blonde hair. “I know. I was an idiot, but now I need to explain why.” He had her attention so he spoke slowly. “Lisa was my girlfriend, and I loved her. I thought she was the one.” He offered an apologetic smile. “We had been together for about two years and suddenly she left me. We had planned to move in and eventually get married and start a family, but she just left me. I had a note posted through my letterbox that said I’m sorry it’s over, and that was it. She had gone. I found out from a friend that she had moved back in with her mum in Wales and started a new job there. I tried to contact her and just got stonewalled.” He shook his head. “I never understood it until a couple of weeks later when I was out in a club and I bumped into one of her friends, a girl called Terri who never liked me anyway.”
“Terri was Lisa’s friend?”
Ben nodded. “Yeah. Well anyway, she was pissed out of her face and drunkenly told me that Lisa had had an abortion.”
“What?!”
“Yeah I know. She said that Lisa didn’t want to be tied to me, so got rid of my kid.”
Lucy reached for his arm, it all made sense now.
He appreciated the warmth of her support and squeezed her fingers in return. “I have lived for the past four years thinking that she killed my kid and left me for dead.”
Lucy was shocked by his admission. “Really?”
“Well, maybe at the start! But then over the years I have calmed down about it all and when we bumped into her at the DVD shop-”
“THAT’S your son? That kid that kept stealing the sweets? And that skinny blonde is the mother of your child?!”
He grinned apologetically. “Yes, that’s Lisa and Benny.”
She let go of his hand. “That was ages ago!”
Ben looked away in shame. “I know.”
“So just how long have you known?” She was not sure if she had any right to get cross. Everything was so confusing. She was thrilled that the woman didn’t end up killing Ben’s kid, but that meant that he was here; that Ben was a dad.
He shrugged and let out a long sigh. “I went back to the DVD shop and found out her address.”
“They gave it to you?”
“I lied and pretended to be her husband.”
Lucy crossed her arms and nodded her black blunt fringe. “Now we’re getting to it!”
“A couple of days later I waited outside her house and pretended to bump into her again, and she had Benny.” A smiled washed across Ben’s face. “He has my ears Lucy. I can’t believe I didn’t spot it before. He has this weird little crunch at the top of his ears like me.”
Lucy reached up to the top of Ben’s left ear and pulled back the fold of skin, watching it recoil back into place. “That is one of the things I love most about you.”
“What? My crunched up ear?”
“Yes,” she smiled.
Ben felt heartened so continued. “I just asked her. I said, ‘Is he mine?’ and she nodded and burst into tears.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me?”
Lucy was looking over with real compassion and he felt awful. “I don’t know.”
She took a deep breath. “Does she want you back?”
She had said it in such an understanding way that Ben felt overwhelmed with appreciation and spontaneously slid down onto one knee. “No. I want you, Lucy Lovett. I want you forever. I haven’t got a ring and I am not prepared, but I am kneeling here proposing a proposal. Will you accept this proposition of a proposed proposal in the not too distant future?” He watched as a small tear formed in the corner of her eye. “And no, she doesn’t want me. She has been happily married for two years ... and yes I have met Gerald her husband ... and yes, they definitely both want to meet you ... and so does Benny.”
Lucy jumped off the sofa and onto the wooden floor next to him. “What if I’m not ready?”
He grinned. “You, Lucy Lovett, were born ready.”
Chapter Thirteen
Jess looked absolutely gorgeous. She had opted for the Grace Kelly. A one piece lace over satin, empire waist, ivory gown. Her huge bump made any other style a definite no no. She had accessorised to the max and taken all of the optional extras: Swarovski encrusted tiara, delicate silk tulle veil and essential white fur bolero. Everything was on loan, but she didn’t care. At that precise moment they belonged to her and she was wearing them with style. The baby suddenly kicked and she tried to mask the jolt with a forced smile and shift of weight. She thanked the small mercy of flat shoes, having opted for the white slip on ballet style. No one could see them under the layers of satin and lace, and he
r priority was comfort. She could barely stand for more than fifteen minutes as it was, let alone trussed up in all of this clobber. She moved an auburn ringlet away from her rosy cheek and turned to nod at Kat.
Kat and Lucy smiled at each other and bent at the knees to pick up the long ivory train. Both had perfected the move having watched Pippa Middleton on repeat, performing her never to be forgotten knee bend and train pick up. Both knew they could give her bottom a run for its money, but their dresses were not quite in the same league. Jess had insisted they wear peach ... puff ball peach. The pastel coloured dresses were strapless and ended just above the knee, so pairing this with their three inch heels, both knew their knee bends had to be executed to perfection. They rose slowly in unison and glanced at one another, discretely performing the planned boob check. Great, still in, thought Lucy relieved. All she had to do now was try and avoid walking like Tina Turner - a hard feat given her bulging calf muscles, super high heels and outstretched arms. To be fair they were only walking about five metres to the front of the intimate wedding room, but she still needed to concentrate. The CD of Pachelbel’s Cannon in D Major started playing and the short procession began. Jess and Gary had decided to hold their ceremony in the local registry office. It was the cheapest option and both knew they would rather spend their money on the new home and their soon to be arriving baby. The plan was a short service with just one reading from Kat, followed by a quick taxi ride to the sophisticated Paris restaurant in town where they had reserved the balcony table.
Lucy nodded at Kat and they performed the knee bend once again, returning the train to the floor and stepping to the side of the pale blue runway carpet to take their reserved seats at the front. Kat watched as Jess’s dad handed his daughter over to Gary. Slow, singular tears were creeping down both of the men’s cheeks. Kat lifted her little finger to the corner of her eye, holding back her own warm tears. It was going to be an emotional day.
The service was basic, but beautiful and all twenty in the cosy room had a lump in their throats when Jess and Gary read out their vows. They were so heartfelt and sincere, both staring deeply into each other’s eyes and wholeheartedly promising to be together forever. They were a match made in heaven and everyone in the room knew they were one of the few couples who could actually go the distance. Their words had reflected this, promising each other that they would never again have to walk alone. Gary declared that his heart would be her shelter and his arms would be her home, and she had pulled him close as her emotions took over. She managed to whisper her final words, offering Gary her hand to hold and her life to keep. It was beautiful, and their love was apparent for all to see.
Kat wiped away a tear, watching for her signal. It was a very hard act to follow. The female registrar nodded in her direction so she rose slowly to her feet and made her way to the wooden lectern, gently placing her reading down and looking up at the intimate group of friends and family. The room had been decorated modestly, with a few pale flowers with peach coloured ties adorning the first and last row of chairs, and a long white ribbon hanging from the lectern. The real beauty however was in the faces of the people within. All smiling and wishing the couple their best. Kat caught Freya’s misty eyes and nearly lost her composure. Freya was smiling knowingly, showing her it would be them one day, standing up there, declaring their love for one another. Kat looked down at her paper, took a deep breath, and began. “Love. By Roy Croft.” Her tone was soft but the words were powerful. “I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” She lifted her eyes to Freya. “I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.” Her voice cracked and she paused, holding back a tear. “I love you for the part of me that you bring out. I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things, that you can’t help dimly seeing in there.” She sniffed quietly and looked at Jess and Gary who were both in floods of tears. “And for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.” She was so aware of the gentle sobs and emotional sniffs coming from the seated guests, that every line took such control to deliver. “I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good. And more than any fate could have done to make me happy.” She connected once again with Freya’s glistening green eyes. “You have done it.” She paused, returning her eyes to the reading. “Without a touch ... Without a word ... Without a sign.” She did not need to refer to the lectern for the last line, instead she looked straight at her girlfriend. “You have done it, by being yourself.”
Jess and Gary started to clap and everyone followed suit, encompassing the small room in a cascade of emotion. The registrar smiled and wholeheartedly announced it was now time to sign the marriage certificate. Kat made her way back to her seat and felt Freya creep in beside her. Jess’s parents had stretched to a single violinist who was now playing a beautifully haunting version of Ave Maria. Kat took the outstretched hand and held it tight. People had started to whisper as the register was being signed, complimenting the service, or the way Jess looked glowing, or the perfect choice of reading. Kat and Freya did not need to speak. They just knew.
A scream suddenly tore through all of the pleasantries. Jess keeled over and clutched her stomach. Gary shot to her side, instantly aware of the pool of liquid creeping out from the layers of skirt, turning the pale blue carpet a slightly darker shade. He had read every single pregnancy book he could get his hands on and this, he knew, was his new wife’s waters. “Call an ambulance, NOW!” he yelled.
Jess caught her breath and held onto his knee for support. “It’s fine. It was just a big kick.”
“Your waters have broken! You need an ambulance NOW!” Gary had been carting around ‘The Bag’ for over a month now, even though Jess was not due for another two weeks. He had it all planned out. Everything would run smoothly on his watch. He lifted the white cloth and reached under the registrars table, pulling out the pink holdall. “It’s all here! I have The Bag! DON’T PANIC!”
“Gary, let me call one!” Jess’s dad was adding to the noise and reaching inside his wife’s handbag for his mobile. The damn thing was switched off and he couldn’t for the life of him find the correct button.
“NO!” shouted Jess, using the table to pull herself back up. “I do not need an ambulance.” She turned to Gary, “Will you please just calm down.”
The registrar carefully closed the large book with the signed documents enclosed, concerned about another gush of fluid.
Gary wailed, “But your waters have broken ... that’s your amniotic sac! The baby is no longer protected from infection!”
Jess nervously rested on the edge of the padded seat. She turned to her father who was still cursing his modern and incredibly complicated mobile phone. “Dad, could you drive us to the hospital please?”
The whole room was silently watching proceedings with excited tension; no one wanting to add to the kerfuffle, but likewise no one wanting to miss a thing. The violinist started to play March of the Priests by Mozart and there was a general hushing sound whispered in her direction. She stopped and placed her bow on the floor.
Jess’s dad pulled out the delicately folded peach handkerchief from his breast pocket and wiped his brow. “We came in the wedding cars darling.” His phone finally lit up. “Let me call you an ambulance.”
“Kat!” Jess needed some sanity.
Kat quickly rose to her feet and joined the panicking party at the table.
Jess grimaced as another short contraction came and went. “Kat, can we go in your car please?”
Kat crouched at her knee and spoke softly, hoping not to alarm. “I came with you Jess ... in the Jag.”
“What is going on with me?!” Jess gasped in exasperation.
“We could go in Freya’s car?”
Jess blew warm air up at her even warmer face. “Sorted! This is it then Gary!” She rose to
her feet to a rapturous applause from the room. There were shouts of “Perfect timing,” and, “The things Gary will do to get out of a speech!”
Jess took Kat’s arm, “I want you there too.”
****
Ben and Lucy sat with the other wedding guests enjoying an extravagant meal on the balcony table which overlooked the main bustling restaurant. When the owners of their chosen reception venue had heard that the bride and groom, parents of the bride and groom, and chief bridesmaid, would not be attending, they decided to upgrade the party to the a la carte menu, free of charge. Every single person sitting around the huge oblong table had their phones out, hoping to be the first to hear.
But the only ones who could actually hear anything were Kat and Freya. Jess had banished her parents and parents-in-law to the cafeteria, much to the disappointment of the mums and joy of the dads. Gary had fainted on arrival at the hospital and was now sitting in the corner of the private birthing room on the relatives chair trying to regain his composure. Kat and Freya had been called in from their seats in the relative comfort of the corridor by the midwife, who felt Jess needed some female support since Gary was now incapacitated.
Kat had one hand and Freya had the other; neither having experienced pain quite like it themselves - Jess’s grip was incredibly strong. She was lying on her back, wedding dress still on, with the badly bitten gas and air pipe clamped firmly between her teeth. She had been wheeled into the room at breakneck speed by Gary, who was then asked by a very calm midwife to help Jess out of her dress. The dress they were both relieved to have paid the insurance on. She had doubled over, grabbing the edge of the bed for support in another long contraction and the midwife thought it best to check her dilation. Popping her head out from under the long white ruffles of lace and satin, she looked up and declared there was no time to take the dress off and would Jess rather deliver standing up or lying down. It was a no brainer for Jess who hoisted herself onto the bed and reached for the pain relief.