‘Nice try, but we both know they’re on their lunch break,’ Rob said. ‘You can’t trick me, Miss Amber.’
‘No, I can only distract you from the pain.’
I’d wondered if I’d be bashful when it came to it, perhaps even shocked into retreat, but it transpired I was neither.
‘What about these rules,’ he reminded me, turning serious.
‘They’re not rules, just conditions. And pretty obvious ones.’
‘OK, pretty obvious conditions. Tell me.’
If he was serious, then I was severe, as severe as I’d ever been in my life before, because this was not a joke to me and could at no point be allowed to become one. ‘This must be totally secret,’ I began. ‘If you think there’s any possibility whatsoever that you might confide in someone, especially a neighbour, then tell me now and I’ll leave before there’s anything worth confiding.’
He snorted, already prepared to mock. ‘Men don’t confide. Don’t you know anything about us? I rather got the impression you did.’
‘Not confide then. Brag, after a few drinks. Make claims, indulge in innuendo.’
‘I see you’ve studied your thesaurus.’
I raised my eyebrows, stared him down. ‘Just give me a yes or no, for God’s sake.’
‘Fine, I promise not to brag after a few drinks or make claims or indulge in innuendo.’ He grimaced. ‘I feel like I’m swearing an oath here.’
‘You are,’ I told him. ‘If either of us is ever accused, we must deny it categorically. Even if someone says they’ve seen us with their own eyes, we have to convince them they were hallucinating. No wavering, no hints, no telling just one person and swearing them to secrecy, only to have them do exactly the same with the next person.’
‘We just covered confidentiality,’ he said, impatient to get these preliminaries over with. ‘That’s all understood.’
‘When we see each other outside, we need to act the same as before, as if the friendship is progressing naturally. Like at Caroline’s drinks. That’s the first giveaway, suddenly ignoring each other, not mentioning that we’ve seen each other.’
‘So we mention we see each other, just not what we choose to do together.’
‘Exactly.’ What we choose to do together … But it was more imperative than choice, it was an elemental command. ‘You need to be friendly with Jeremy too. He knows you work from home, and I’ll tell him we have lunch or coffee sometimes, you’re my new chum. We will have lunch occasionally, and when we do I’ll invite Caroline to witness how normal we are together. We’ll have a house-warming at some point, too, and you’ll need to attend, even if we hate each other by then.’
‘We won’t hate each other.’ The fingers of his left hand, resting on the worktop, jerked suddenly and my skin quivered as if to their touch.
‘No phone calls,’ I said, speeding through my mental list. I had spent hours on it, applying myself to it as if my life depended on it. (My life, as I knew it, as I valued it, did.) ‘No emails. No notes through the letter box.’
‘How –?’
‘Texts. But only dates and times, deleted as soon as they’ve been read. Nothing suggestive. Definitely no images.’
‘You’re extremely thorough,’ Rob said. ‘Like a barrister prepping a witness for trial.’
But a barrister would not begin to unbutton her top, as I did now. ‘If either of us wants to stop, the other accepts without question. No tears, no emotions, no love.’
‘Agreed.’ He was watching my fingers, transfixed. ‘I’ve never had to submit to this transactional bit before.’
‘I wouldn’t call it a transaction.’
‘What is it then?’
‘I don’t know.’ I took his glass from his hand and placed it out of reach. ‘Maybe a blow to the head?’
We kissed, at first savagely as if the wait had been in years, not weeks, him pressing me against the worktop until I cried out that it hurt, and then in a longer and more painstaking style on the sofa. Being kissed by him was like being liquidized, being prepared by a chef for consumption; whenever I caught sight of any of my limbs I was amazed to see them in their original solid form. And then, indecently quickly, entirely without romance, we had sex, the first of what would be many times, and he was exactly as I had intuited he would be: forceful, demanding, unstoppable. You wouldn’t want to change your mind midway, I thought, as he locked my wrists together above my head, his grip painful, unyielding, but then I didn’t want to change my mind. My mind had been set the day we met, in the first ten seconds.
As our groans became less easy to control, the builders resumed their crashing next door and we were saved.
‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ I asked him, later. We were in the bedroom by then, window closed on birdsong, curtains drawn on the brightening afternoon, both flushed from our exertions: the very picture of daytime adultery. I was not sure how I preferred him to answer the question. On the one hand it made us even and reduced the likelihood of him demanding more from me than I could offer, but on the other it introduced another variable into the equation that I could live without.
‘Nope,’ he said. ‘No one in particular, anyway.’
I touched his face, fingers curious rather than tender, sorry only in the most remote way for those girls of no ‘particular’ appeal. ‘But you do see people?’
‘Of course I do.’ He yawned. ‘You’re not the only one who finds me overpoweringly attractive. I have a date tonight, actually.’
‘Who is she?’
‘The cousin of a mate. Fresh to these parts from Gloucestershire. She’s going to teach in a secondary school in Tower Hamlets, poor sod. She won’t last five minutes.’
‘In the job or with you?’
‘Both, probably.’
I giggled. ‘And that’s why your friend thought of you? Because you know about education?’
‘People like a literal connection when they fix you up.’
‘Do they? Aren’t opposites allowed to attract any more?’
‘Oh, I think it’s better that they don’t,’ he said.
There was no need to pretend we were opposites: we were cut from the same cloth all right.
‘How did you and Jeremy meet?’ he asked.
‘Through work. I was invited to a summer party thrown by his company.’
‘He was married to someone else at the time, was he?’
I prodded his chest in protest. ‘You see me as a husband stealer?’
He raised his eyebrows.
‘He was single,’ I said. ‘A legitimate candidate.’
‘A middle-aged bachelor,’ Rob said, ‘aka a sitting duck.’
‘Yes, just like you’ll be one day soon.’
He seized my hand, nibbled at the fingertips, bringing his teeth together just far enough to avoid causing pain. ‘I bet he couldn’t believe his luck when you walked in. Not only unbelievably hot, but a stand-up comedian as well.’
I smiled, retrieved my fingers from his mouth and forked the damp tips through his hair, mapping the bones of his skull. ‘You’d have to ask him that. But he did propose very quickly, it’s true.’
‘And what about you? What did you think when he walked in?’
‘I thought he was great,’ I said. ‘I still do.’
‘But?’
‘But nothing.’ I said this with a certainty that did not have to be simulated, naked though I was in the clutch of a man I hardly knew. ‘I knew what I wanted and I was delighted that I’d found it so quickly.’
‘What was “it”?’
‘A committed relationship with a proper grown-up. I’d done the crazy passion thing too often – you know, meet someone in a bar and tear each other’s clothes off. Only realize afterwards that they’re a drunk or a lunatic or married. All three on one memorable occasion.’ As I paused to register his amusement, I had the distinct sense that he was testing me. A less experienced lover would be all too easily outplayed by this man, I thought; for him, artlessness w
as a purely female failing. ‘It was time to be sensible and think about the future,’ I added.
‘Did you ever wonder if you might have sold yourself a bit short?’
I frowned.
‘No offence to the silver fox,’ he said, ‘but a girl who looks like you do, barely thirty then, you could have had anyone. One photo online and they would have been queuing up.’
‘Maybe they would, but I didn’t want them, I wanted him. I still want him.’ I stretched my arms and flexed my elbows, easing aching shoulders, and Rob brought his face very close to mine. His breath was hot and short, in close rhythm with my own.
‘Why this then?’ he murmured. ‘You missed the crazy passion.’
It wasn’t a question and I could hardly deny the truth of it. ‘I didn’t know I did,’ I said. ‘I’m surprised to discover that I do. This is the first time I’ve done this.’
‘You’ve never been tempted before?’
‘Never.’
He didn’t need to ask why he was different, why we were; he accepted our coupling exactly as I did, as being animal, primordial. For us, the suffering was never going to be in the complications it caused; the suffering could only ever have been in its denial.
He drew away from me, head next to mine on the pillow, and we both gazed up at the ceiling. ‘Is it true you two are trying to have a baby?’
So news in Lime Park travelled fast, door to door, ear to ear, and efficiently enough to remain accurate. That was worth keeping in mind.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘And that’s the most important condition of all.’
‘Condoms?’
‘Don’t run out. I can hardly be found to have any in my possession when they’re strictly contraband next door.’
‘No, I suppose not.’ He paused, turned to look at me. ‘How often are we going to meet?’
‘I suppose it will depend on how busy we are.’
‘I’m not that busy at the moment. Work’s dried up a bit lately, to be honest.’
‘And I haven’t got a job at all, as you know. So I may be texting you quite frequently. Keep your phone charged.’
Rob chuckled, eyeing me with admiration. ‘You’re very cool about all of this.’
I didn’t blink, immobilized for a second or two by the euphoria of being the object of his desire. ‘I have to be,’ I said.
And to myself: If I lose my head, I’ll lose everything.
When Jeremy came home that first time, I braced myself for the haemorrhages of guilt, steadying myself on the door frame as I welcomed him home in case I trembled. Don’t cry, I thought. Don’t blurt. Instinctively I understood that if I could survive this first occasion I would be safe.
‘Let’s see the latest damage, then,’ he said, passing me by to enter the building site.
‘Oh, there’s been progress today,’ I said. ‘Hetty was here this morning and put a rocket up them. They fixed that fault in the folding doors, the spotlights are in, and some of the kitchen cabinets are in position.’
My voice had a rough-grained tone, a rawness to it that was not usual, but he didn’t notice, too busy running his hands over the new fittings, caressing the glazing, questioning counter height, voicing new doubts about tap swivel. It was a ready-made smokescreen, this renovation project; a dust screen.
When he’d finished his hands were black. ‘You mustn’t stay in the house all day,’ he said. ‘All this dirt. The builders probably wear masks.’
‘Don’t worry, I’m not here most of the time. I was out all day today. I went to the gym and had a coffee with Rob next door.’
‘The dust hasn’t got through there, has it?’
‘No, not that I noticed. Anyway, I thought that as long as I stay local and can get back quickly if something goes wrong, then I can go missing for hours.’
‘You like the idea of going missing, don’t you?’ Jeremy smiled. ‘Of being a woman of mystery?’
‘Who doesn’t? Besides, I need to keep you on your toes, darling.’
As his indulgent expression turned all too quickly to a frown, I held my breath. ‘Hang on, nothing has gone wrong so far, has it? The builders know what they’re doing? There’s nothing I should be worried about?’
‘No, that’s the point,’ I exhaled. ‘We only worry when it does go wrong.’
‘Good.’ He checked his phone for the time. ‘Let me change and we’ll go out for dinner. Which of our four options shall we go for?’
On Lime Park Parade there was an Indian, a Mexican, a pizza place and, best of all, Canvas, the proper West End-style restaurant on the ground floor of the old art school. We’d been eating in them virtually in rotation, uninspired by our temporary kitchen quarters at the top of the house.
‘Canvas?’ I said.
Physically exhausted though I was, I got myself ready to go out. I’d already showered, of course, in the generous intermission between the builders leaving and Jeremy returning, my hair dried for the second time that day. As I put make-up on I noticed a faint grazing on my chin. I was going to have to demand that Rob shaved.
Another condition.
The next day, having extracted from my gift stocks one of my favourite room scents and selected from the patisserie on the Parade their finest lemon drizzle cake, I presented myself uninvited at Felicity’s door. I told her I was there because I wanted to know how affected she was by the noise, but really I wanted to know how good the soundproofing was between her flat and Rob’s.
‘I haven’t seen you for a while,’ I said. ‘I thought it was time for a fresh offering.’ As the sudden screech of the tile cutter made us both wince, I added ruefully, ‘Perhaps a blank cheque might work better?’
‘Let’s start with this and see how we get on,’ she said, taking the cake box from me. ‘Ooh, my favourite! How did you know?’
‘I had inside information – your neighbour upstairs. The next part of my evil plan is to get you to tell me his favourite.’
‘Well, I’m not sure it would be cake,’ she said. ‘Rob doesn’t have a sweet tooth.’
That, I could easily believe. I followed her in, liking that her flat was clean and tidy just for herself and not because she’d been expecting a guest. She had framed photographs of Glen Campbell on her walls, and when I admired them she showed me a video clip of him performing at the Hollywood Bowl.
‘I had lunch with Rob yesterday,’ I told her, in the casual way of acquaintances passing the time. We were settled by then at the coffee table with tea and cake. She had yet to open the room scent, but I knew she would love the addition of its rich, woody notes to her home.
‘Yes, I heard you on the stairs,’ she said.
I wasn’t sure what to make of that, didn’t think there was anything particularly distinctive about my approach to a staircase, up or down. I made a mental note neither to skip on arrival nor drag my feet on departure.
‘It’s hard to imagine he’s much of a cook,’ she added.
‘That makes two of us,’ I said, shrugging. I knew better than to fabricate details that could later be disproved. ‘You should join us when you’re not circumnavigating the city with your pedometer. We’ll go out somewhere. I’m always looking for new places to escape the dust.’ I smiled my most winning smile. ‘That’s the real reason I’m here now, to escape. I’m only pretending to keep you sweet, Felicity.’
‘Well, keep up the pretence for as long as you like if the cake’s always this good,’ she said, finishing her first slice. I had pushed mine around the plate, having forsaken such treats years ago.
I glanced about the room. ‘So you’ve got your rooms the other way around to his? Your bedroom is at the front?’
And the living room in which we were sitting was directly under his bedroom, which was not ideal. I imagined her tucked up on the sofa with her Glen Campbell biography, her concentration disturbed as squeaks and groans leaked from above.
‘Yes, he likes the bigger room for the living room, because he works from home, but I wanted my living
room here, at the back, so I can see the garden. The Californian lilac should be flowering soon. You’ve got one as well, of course.’
‘Have I?’
Felicity laughed. ‘You’re not a gardener, then?’
‘No, to be honest I’m not sure where my talents lie in the domestic realm.’
I imagined Rob smirking at that. I imagined Jeremy smirking at that, too. I blinked their twin smirks from view.
‘Better that way, if you ask me,’ Felicity said. ‘If you’re too good at housework, they think you’re no good for anything else.’
‘I couldn’t agree more. Were you ever married, Felicity?’
‘Yes, once. So I know the pitfalls first hand. Those sacred vows people find so hard to keep.’
I looked carefully at her then, but there was nothing insinuating in her tone, nor anything in her expression to suggest disapproval. ‘Well, I think I like your arrangement better than Rob’s,’ I said, deciding I’d fish one last time before dropping the rod. ‘But I hope he doesn’t keep you awake with his parties when you’ve gone to bed.’
‘Oh, he’s fine,’ she said. ‘I’m the noisy neighbour, with my music. I have it on all day long.’
I was pleased then, because I hadn’t been aware of her music when I was upstairs, which meant she’d likely not noticed the sort we were making either. ‘Well you’re both model citizens compared to me,’ I said, motioning to the dividing wall. ‘I know it must feel like it’s taking forever, but we are making progress. It won’t be one of those situations that keeps overrunning and overrunning until you wake up one day and realize it’s been three years.’
Rather like the affair I’d embarked on. Ablaze now, it would surely lose its rampant heat in a few months, or even weeks, blowing itself out naturally perhaps at about the time building work was finished. That could suit all concerned.
Agreeing she would not suffer in silence, Felicity cut herself a second slice of cake, while I rose to have a look at her CD collection.
‘Is it only Glen you listen to or do you like others as well?’
The Sudden Departure of the Frasers Page 10