“Yeah, in that you look like more of a lesbian than I do.”
“Well maybe you wouldn’t get yourself in so deep with gorgeous, charming California girls if you looked more dykey. Just saying,” Rion said, swiping on lip gloss and tossing it back into Amy’s bag. She moved behind Ari and squeezed her shoulders like a boxing coach does before a fight.
“Point taken,” Arielle muttered. “Where are you going?”
“Work!” Rion sang, practically skipping out of the bathroom.
“Well tone it down, Mary Sunshine. You don’t want Crash thinking you were body snatched.”
One of Rion’s flip flops came flying back into the bathroom, narrowly missing Arielle’s ear. She shook her head, smiling, and ran a toothbrush through her mouth. She had some planning work to do.
Arielle stood outside Harrison, shuffling her feet, more to quell her nervousness than to stave off the cold that whipped through the corridor of uniform dorms like it was a wind tunnel. She’d spent about three hours scrolling through online reviews and menus, trying to figure out the perfect place for a first date, and settled on a trendy Thai place on Francis. It was a tough balance between too basic and too fancy, too trendy and too typical. Things like messy burger joints were for later in the relationship, and super fancy places were for first anniversaries. Especially when you were only eighteen.
Jesus, Ari. Rion was right. Tone it the hell down. You made out with a girl, and it was amazing, and then she gave you a flirty smile and agreed to go out with you. It doesn’t mean anything except exactly what it means.
Somewhere in the whole intense research process, Lauren had texted her. Lauren. Had texted her. She still glanced at that first contact like it was a gold medal. “We still on for tonight?” With a rose beside it. What did that even mean? Roses weren’t just for friends, right?
Okay. She was going to make herself crazy like this.
Arielle finally picked up her phone and replied—she didn’t want to look too desperate—and said, “Sure. Meet in the courtyard? 6?” Just thinking about standing in that spot with Lauren again made Arielle shiver. She pulled on her coat, checked her hair, which Amy had helped her tame into smoother curls, and headed out the door.
Lauren stood in the middle of the courtyard, her long legs fidgeting in dark jeans under a cream colored pea coat. That she looked absolutely stunning was no surprise, and her humungous smile at seeing Arielle set her heart at ease. Arielle stretched up on tiptoes to give Lauren a hug, consciously letting Lauren’s movements dictate how long and hard they would hug. Again, it was sweet, just long enough for Arielle to feel Lauren’s chest press into hers. But when she pulled back down, Lauren drew her arms up to gently cup Arielle’s face, and before Arielle could even think about how her feet were positioned, who was taking the lead, or what it all meant, Lauren’s lips pressed so softly against hers it made her want to cry. This girl was sweet in every way, and standing in a dorm courtyard with her, and holding her. A soft ‘mmm” came from Arielle’s throat, and she forced herself to drop back down, breaking the kiss.
Arielle bit her lip and smiled up at Lauren. “Okay,” she said, breathing out and grinning up at her. “I have plans. I mean, I made plans.”
Lauren cocked her head. “You did? Really?”
“Yeah, is that okay?” A little hint of nervousness crept onto the cloud Arielle was floating on.
A slow smile curved Lauren’s lips. “Sure,” she said, nodding and shoving her hands into her pockets. Dammit, that would make it hard to try to hold her hand. “Where to?”
“Um, just…up on Francis.”
“I’ll follow you,” Lauren said. It was so hard not to hear the double entendre there. Could it be that Lauren really was waiting for her to set the tone and pace of their relationship? Did she want a relationship at all? She had to, if she had been the first one to kiss her. Right?
The girls made small talk as they hiked the sidewalk’s steep slope, bending their heads to minimize the wind whipping back against their faces. Arielle watched Lauren’s long strands flying up and around her with every step, even into her mouth. Every time Lauren reached up to pull one out, it took Arielle an extra second to force herself to focus on something other than Lauren’s lips. Thank God Francis was really only a block and a half away.
Finally, they turned onto the street, which had a fair amount of college students milling around. Probably trying to postpone the end of the weekend as long as possible, even if it wasn’t a great time to be drinking. The ice cream parlor was full despite the near-freezing temperatures, and even the obscure art galleries were full of patrons.
“I can’t believe they started decorating for Christmas already,” Lauren said, pointing at the string lights that roped around the light poles and the shining chrome ornaments that hung from the tops. “Oh, hey. Does that bother you? Because, you know…”
“Because I’m Jewish?” Arielle smiled. “Nah, not really. I mean, I know everyone around here is Christian. The fact that I don’t really see all the shiny holiday stuff as mine doesn’t mean I can’t think it’s pretty. You know?”
“I can’t believe you said that,” Lauren said, shaking her head. “That is literally how I always felt. Like it wasn’t mine.”
“Christmas? Don’t you guys do Christmas?”
“Yeah, just like all Americans do. But growing up without very much religion…I don’t know. The holiday just seemed to sort of be about cheesy songs and shiny ornaments, and tacky sweaters and parties. And spending too much money on presents and food and alcohol nobody needed. You know?”
“Sort of, I guess. But people are nicer to each other during the holidays, right? That’s cheery. I suppose.”
Lauren shrugged. “The fact that there was no snow in California didn’t exactly help the holiday spirit. And the commercialism…it just felt foreign. There are, like, no Asian people in any of those ads. It sounds stupid, but it always felt like I was an outsider, even when like all of America was coming together to do something. Is that ridiculous?”
“It’s like, the opposite of ridiculous,” Arielle laughed. “You just described my whole life. Nothing applies to me. Like, I’m an outsider in every possible way. Not even regular dating rules apply to me.”
She hadn’t meant to say it, but it perfectly described every single frustration of the last 24 hours. Which felt a lot longer than that, for what it was worth. She snuck a glance up at Lauren. Had she caught Arielle’s meaning? What would she say back?
Lauren caught her bottom lip between her teeth and gave a half-bob of her head. “I guess. I…well, I’m still trying to figure all that out too. For what it’s worth.”
Well, that wasn’t a total loss. Arielle tried to distract herself from the conversation that she had started by looking for the restaurant. “So, I found this place…” Arielle looked down at her phone, realizing she had no clue how to pronounce the name of it. “It’s Thai, it looked good, and it should be…”
“Um. Is it the one with the ridiculous line stretching halfway back to campus?”
Arielle looked up and checked the sign. “Holy shit,” she breathed. Lauren hadn’t been exaggerating. “What the hell is going on?”
“It’s okay,” Lauren laughed. “Let’s go check it out.”
Over half the people standing in line were students. What the hell had she missed?
“Excuse me,” Lauren said to one of the people near the end of the line. “What are we all waiting for? Is Elvis in there or something?”
“Better,” the tall guy she’d asked said. “It’s Bahn Li from Chop Your Heart Out, you know, that reality show? Anyone who makes it in before eleven gets a spring roll he made himself.”
“Before eleven?” Arielle choked. It was six now, and even though she was excited to spend time with Lauren, she had fully planned on being crashed out by eleven. Next morning’s eight-thirty class was hard enough to get out of bed for as it was.
Arielle craned her neck at the line,
trying to figure for herself how long it would take to get in. Pointless, she knew. She’d envisioned a quiet night, sitting and talking over noodles she would probably end up slurping. And it would be okay. No matter how much she’d embarrassed herself so far, Lauren hadn’t seemed to care.
But she’d been letting that daydream run through her head ever since they’d made plans, and now it wasn’t going to happen.
“What do you think?” Arielle asked Lauren. “Do you want to wait?”
“Well, you picked the place. Are you going to be upset if we go?”
“I didn’t even…I mean, I don’t really know much about the place,” Arielle admitted with a chuckle, staring at her feet. She was pretty sure, but not completely certain, that this was a date. How much to admit to her nervous date planning? “I sort of…well, honestly?”
“Honestly is good,” Lauren said, watching her.
“I wanted it to be nice. I wanted to impress you. You know?”
Lauren bit her bottom lip, smiling a little. “That’s sweet,” she said, nudging her shoulder into Arielle’s.
“But?” Arielle asked, watching as Lauren kept fidgeting, feeling the extra warmth from her being a couple inches closer. A little body heat against hers made her realize just how cold it really was.
“But it’s freaking freezing out here,” Lauren said, checking Arielle’s eyes. More a statement than a question. She nudged closer to Arielle and Arielle did the same back. Now they stood, arm to arm, and Arielle felt an unmistakable surge of bravery.
“Can we still hang out even if we leave? I still want to spend time with you.”
“Me too,” Lauren said softly, moving her head a fraction of an inch closer to Arielle’s. Then, suddenly, she stopped, her eyes darting around the crowd.
Arielle could taste the almost-kiss—not just how much she would love it, but what it would mean—Lauren, the maybe-lesbian, kissing a girl in front of everyone. It was a test, and when Lauren stopped, she had failed.
But, over Arielle’s disappointment was layered something else. It was a little voice at the back of her mind, telling her she could walk away from Lauren, from all the stress and confusion, if she wanted. Of course she could. But if she did, she would really, really regret it.
So she decided to open herself up. Put it out there. She couldn’t possibly be more heartbroken than she’d been when Rachel had left her less than two months ago, could she?
Sure she could, if the girl who had given her a little hope, had brought something unexpected and fun and amazing into what, by all accounts, should have been a shitty year, turned her down for a kiss in front of hundreds of their peers.
But maybe Lauren needed space to do it. Maybe Lauren needed this date just as much as Arielle needed to know just how gay Lauren was.
So Arielle craned her neck down the street again, this time the opposite direction. Sunday night, and this sleepy town had mostly shut down. Well, except for the two places that never shut down—McDonald’s, and Starbucks.
“Looks like those are our choices,” Arielle said, gesturing at the two.
Lauren made sure to speak the next words looking directly into Arielle’s eyes “I’m starving. You told me not to eat.”
“Me too,” Arielle said, disappointed. She’d been envisioning a dark, quiet corner of Starbucks, not too different from the Thai restaurant which had so annoyingly insisted on hosting what’s-his-name on the one night she’d gotten brave enough to ask Lauren out. But she was hungry. “McDonald’s it is.”
Lauren laughed and shook her head as she stepped out onto the sidewalk, waiting for Arielle to get to her side before starting to walk. “I’m totally going for a bacon double cheeseburger. I mean, if you’re going to eat at McDonald’s, you should do it right.”
Arielle bobbed her head. “Whatever you say. I’m getting the usual.”
“As if I know what that is.”
Arielle smiled to herself.
“You’re not gonna tell me?”
By then, they’d arrived. “Here, you’ll see.” Arielle stepped up to the counter, wincing in the bright fluorescent lights. She’d done her eye makeup for this date, for dim, subdued lighting. She didn’t even know how to do eye makeup for McDonald’s, because nobody would ever go on a date to McDonald’s, and oh holy shit, this was so ridiculous.
“What can I get for you girls?” the bored worker asked, clearly overloaded from a long weekend of loitering college kids. Her eyes flashed to the clock on the wall.
“Are you closing soon?” Lauren asked.
“An hour. You have plenty of time.”
Arielle’s heart sank. An hour at McDonald’s wasn’t a date, it was a study break. Still, she ordered for Lauren and her, shooting Lauren a surprised smile when she added an extra order of fries and a vanilla milkshake to her order. “How do you keep your body in such amazing shape when you eat like that?” Arielle asked, motioning to the tray full of junk food. Lauren scooted into a booth, her long legs jutting out on either side of the pole that held the shining melamine tabletop in place. First thing, she pulled the plastic top off her vanilla milkshake, grabbed five fries, pinched them together with her fingertips, and plunged them into the milkshake like a giant straw.
Arielle was mesmerized, as usual with Lauren, by so many things at once. The way her fingers moved against her lips, the way her eyes fluttered closed with a particularly delicious bite, all of it was the most fascinating thing Arielle had ever seen.
Then Lauren focused on Arielle again. “Huh?” she said, as though the milkshake and fries had been so amazing that she literally hadn’t been able to think about anything else while the food was in her mouth. And then Arielle just started thinking about her mouth again.
But she laughed, utterly contented to be in Lauren’s company, in this spot. “I asked how you keep that body when you eat like this?”
Lauren shrugged. “Genes? I don’t know. I’m already a freak of nature. I’m five eight. I’m like a giant among the Chinese.”
“I guess your height is kind of a white person thing,” Arielle said absentmindedly.
Lauren scowled. “Yep. Just one more addition to the anomaly that is me.”
“Hey,” Arielle said, sensing the mood becoming serious. “Don’t do that. You’re…you. And that’s really good.”
“Yeah? Even if I can’t, like, settle down anywhere? Fit into one single mold that I’m supposed to?”
“Not true,” Arielle said, faking an air of superiority. “You’re an Asian medical student. Bam. Stereotype fulfilled.”
Lauren laughed. God, that smile could keep Arielle going through miles of doubt about most stuff. Wasn’t that how she’d gotten herself into this situation? Being so bewitched by Lauren’s stupid flashing smile and gorgeous hair that she just did stupid things like planning dates for girls that weren’t even gay? Focus, Ari. “But seriously, what do you mean?”
“Oh, just what I said before,” Lauren said as she took a huge bite of her double bacon cheeseburger. “It never used to bother me that much, you know? I mean the Chinese kid not fitting into being white, really, but not being Chinese either. I always knew something was off about me. But it’s like being here at Northern amplifies it.” She paused, like she was about to say something else, then dug into her fries again.
Arielle used the excuse of needing to chew and swallow to give her time to think. “What does that mean? You’re happy here, right?”
“Well, you know how I feel about women’s studies class,” Lauren laughed. They spent the next several minutes re-hashing the events of that week’s class, which had been entirely composed of discussion on the politics of breasts.
“So, obviously, yes. I feel the same way. About women’s studies,” Arielle said. But what do you mean, that there’s something off about you? Or that Northern amplifies it?”
“Well, you know. There are just a lot of…questions. About where I fit in. Chinese, American, feminist, doctor…. And it’s like I feel all
this pressure to make a choice, like I’ll lose something if I don’t. You know? But I don’t know how to make that choice, or even to figure out what the choice is.” Lauren’s face twisted in something like uncertainty and something like pain. And the overwhelming need to make it better washed over Arielle, a sensation she’d never felt before.
Maybe because she knew Lauren was talking about her, too.
“Are you talking about what I asked you the other night?” Of course she was. Part of Arielle wanted her to declare a change of heart, wanted her to be a full-on lesbian, ready for a committed relationship and a lifestyle declaration, a coming-out ceremony to her parents over Thanksgiving, and maybe some grand gesture of love in the middle of the quad when Springtime finally hit.
Yeah. Arielle was getting way ahead of herself.
“Sort of. There’s, like…a lot I want to say. A lot I’m feeling, after that night, and I don’t know what I can say or how I should say it.”
“Why not?” Arielle asked softly, already partly knowing the answer.
“Because I really like spending time with you. I really like you,” Lauren said, casting her eyes down and crumpling up an unsuspecting napkin that lingered on the table.
“So?” A swell of emotion forced Arielle’s hand across the table to cover Lauren’s. Lauren flinched against her touch, but in a split second, her hand softened, and she gently squeezed back.
“So I don’t want to ruin it…whatever ‘it’ is…but I don’t want to lie to you, Ari.” Her easy use of the nickname warmed Arielle’s heart.
“So don’t. Tell me what you’re thinking.” The words rushed out of Ari’s mouth before she could even think about the courage it took to say them. She didn’t want to know what Lauren was thinking. She wanted Lauren to be a copy of Rachel.
Which, she realized as she thought it, was really freaking unfair. And, besides, she didn’t want to be with any girl who thought it was okay to break up with her like Rachel had, or to act like that, ever again.
“I had a boyfriend in high school.”
The Broken Hearts' Society of Suite 17C Page 23