She rolled up on one hip and leaned toward him until she could kiss his cheek. “It says you have a heart and a conscience. And in the end, you’ll make the right choice.”
Rave captured her by placing a hand at the back of her neck, his eyes searching hers for answers he knew she didn’t have. “Will I, Becca?”
Her face grew troubled. “You love them, Rave.”
“Are there limits?”
“To love? No. I don’t think so.”
But that’s what he’d begun to wonder. If love ran out. If there was a place where all the failures gathered into one giant cocoon of dysfunction where there was no room for second chances. No place for fresh starts.
Becca’s phone rang, interrupting them. She dug the phone from her bag. “It’s my mom,” she said as she lifted the phone to her ear. “She said she tried to call you.”
With all that had gone on, Rave had left his phone in the truck.
But watching Becca, he knew something was wrong. Becca’s face changed from cheery to concerned to downright afraid. Before she could say good-bye, he was rising and pulling her up from the ground. “What happened? Is Daniel all right?”
Becca gathered her things. “Daniel’s fine. It’s Tuck. They had to rush him into emergency surgery.”
The world blackened. For an instant, Rave knew he’d already lost him. But he fought that sensation, fought it with everything in him because he knew that fate could be cruel, but it wasn’t evil. Tuck would be all right. He had to be all right.
Halfway to the hospital, blue lights flashed behind them. “I don’t have time for this,” Rave mumbled. He’d been going twenty miles an hour over the speed limit.
Instead of stopping behind him, the patrol car pulled alongside.
Rave lowered his window to find a worried Sheriff Cogdill looking back at him. “Follow me,” Cogdill said.
When Rave only blinked, Cogdill went on. “Tuck’s in surgery. Come on.”
The word Tuck forced Rave’s mind into gear. They were getting a police escort. That was a first.
Becca was too quiet. She’d found a McDonald’s napkin on the seat and had ripped it to shreds on her lap. Rave reached over and gripped her cold hand. “What are you not telling me, Bec?”
Her face was pale, lips tight. “He only has a twenty percent chance of making it, Rave.” Becca covered her face with her hands and cried.
When they arrived at the hospital, Pastor Keith was the first person they saw. He stood from his seat in the waiting room and made his way to them. Before Rave could ask, Keith began talking. “He’s in surgery now. He’s stable, Rave, but the next several hours are critical.”
Rave tried to breathe.
“Becca, your mom will be here soon. Daniel is with your dad. He’s going to take him fishing. Your mom wanted to be here with you. So does Trini. She’d just made it home when we got word. Your mom’s picking Trini up on the way.”
After slowly ingesting the information being spoon-fed to them, Rave found his voice. “What happened?”
“There was some internal bleeding. They didn’t catch it until . . .” Pastor Keith’s mouth pressed into a straight line. “His stomach became distended. There was blunt-force trauma directly to the liver. Trini said he must have landed on the caulking gun. His liver has been hemorrhaging. They were unable to stop the bleeding.”
The room spun. Rave needed to sit. The contents of his stomach roiled, swirling until he thought he’d lose them.
“Rave, they have to do the donor surgery now.”
Rave shook his head. “How can that be? I mean, if he is in such bad shape, how can they even consider doing that?”
“The liver is a vascular organ. Their best chance is to place the new liver as quickly as possible. They’re afraid he won’t be strong enough for another surgery in a few weeks’ time. The doctor said this was a one-in-a-million scenario, and not far from worst-case. But he feels confident that if they do the surgery now . . .” His voice trailed off.
Rave nodded. “OK. What do I need to do?” The strangest thoughts shot into his mind. How the doctor had told him that he’d need to have nothing to eat before going into surgery. “I ate breakfast. Will that be all right?”
Keith took him by the arm and led him to a nearby chair in the otherwise empty room. “Rave, you won’t be the donor for Tuck.”
Rave had started to sit but locked his knees. “I know I left mad, but that doesn’t change how I feel about this.”
Keith waited for him to sit before continuing. Finally, Rave relented. “Your grandfather doesn’t need you to be the donor. There’s another.”
Rave knew the chances of a donor match for Tuck from the transplant list was unlikely at best and—what? It just happened to happen when Tuck was literally running out of time?
“Rave, have you ever heard of a drug called methadone?”
“No.” What did any of this have to do with Tuck?
“It’s a slow-acting opioid agonist. It’s given to heroin addicts to help them get clean. When your mother first went through rehab, they offered it to her. She refused. She didn’t know why at the time, but she wouldn’t let them put her on it. Addicts who’ve been on methadone can never be liver donors.”
“My mom is Tuck’s donor.” It was an answer more than a question.
“They’ve both already been prepped, and she’ll go into surgery shortly.”
“But how? I had to go through tests, a physical.”
“So did your mother. Weeks back, when she first took Tuck to the doctor, she started the process. She knew the complications with Ashley could get very sticky for you. I hope you can forgive her for not telling you.”
Rave ran his hands through his hair. Did love have limits? Now, he was asking that question from a different perspective. His mother had worked to get clean and stay clean. Still, she’d placed it all on the line to help Tuck, to be a donor when Rave was already a perfectly suitable donor. So, in essence, she’d placed her sobriety on the line for Rave as well. Keith’s words echoed in his head. I hope you can forgive her for not telling you.
“Yeah,” he finally uttered. In fact, his heart felt the strangest mix of both admiration and surprise. He understood why she’d hadn’t tried to tell him. He wouldn’t have listened. “Even after all this time, she still knows me pretty well,” he admitted. “The problem is, I never got to know her. How do you treat someone who is willing to lay down their life for you?”
Pastor Keith smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You start with forgiveness. Would you like to see her before she goes into surgery?”
Rave nodded. “Yeah.” He wanted to see her. Wanted to hear her voice, smell the scent that was unmistakably his mother. What if this was the last conversation they’d ever have? What if he’d wasted what little time they’d been granted by holding on to his anger? What if those hurt looks on her face were the only images remaining in his mind after today? All the moments leading to this one were a blur. His heart was still at odds with his mind. His mind still held to the truth that she’d hurt him almost beyond repair. Still. He’d forgive. He’d forgive today and tomorrow, and if she ever fell back into drug use, he’d forgive her each and every day. And he’d be there to help. He’d pick up the pieces because he knew in her heart she wanted nothing more than her family. If she was too weak to maintain it, he’d be her strong arms.
She was in a white holding area. On each side of the wide hallway, glassed walls separated patients. Through the sheer curtains at the foot of each bedside, people waited with their loved ones. They moved like shadows or perhaps like angels caught in sunlight around the tall, metal-lined beds. His throat closed when he stepped into her room. She was alone.
He drew a breath and moved her curtain aside.
The smile appeared immediately on her face, lighting it up against the stark white pillow. She’d already been hooked up to an IV, and other pieces of hospital apparatus surrounded her. “Hey there,” she said, words soft,
almost a whisper, as if she wasn’t sure if he’d run the other way if she spoke too loud.
He forced his feet to move and stopped at the end of her bed. Without warning, a splash of ice-cold fear hit him. He didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to lose his mother again. “I should be the one . . .”
Her head shook slowly, spilling her hair over the pillow. Her eyes were glassy, and he wondered if they’d already given her something. “When I was in prison, I had a lot of time to think. I was a horrible mother. I’m so sorry for that. I loved you, Rave. Every day of my life, I loved you. I wish I’d been stronger. Strong enough to be what you needed. What you deserved.”
He came around the edge of the bed and took her hand. “You had a giant demon to fight. And it wasn’t his first battle, and he knew how to win. You did the best you could, Mom. I understand that now.” She’d been a bad mom, but Rave had never gone hungry, and no one ever laid a hand on him. For all her faults, she’d protected him in the ways she was able. A rush of self-preservation warned him not to let her back into his heart. And yet he knew it was too late. Her desire to be Tuck’s donor, the way she was with Daniel. Rave needed her. He’d tried so hard to push her away, but at the end of it all, he needed her.
It suddenly became clear all she was risking by being the donor. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe he could step in. With anxiety pushing his words, Rave said, “Mom, you don’t need to do this. There’s too much risk.”
She drew him closer and placed a hand on his cheek. “I’ve risked so much more for so much less.”
“But you’re clean.” His voice was pleading.
“Yes. And I intend to stay that way. They’ve been instructed to only give me the minimal amount of pain meds and for as short a time as possible. Rave, this is why I’m still alive. To get to give something back to Tuck, something back to you. This isn’t a risk, Rave. This is an honor.”
“What about Peru? You’re supposed to be leaving.”
“As soon as I knew Tuck was sick, I told them to sub in one of the people on the waiting list. Peru will still be there long after this is all over. And there will still be people there who need help. But it’ll only be me helping them if—”
“If what?”
“If I’m not welcome to stay here. With Tuck. With you.”
As recently as a few hours ago, she wouldn’t have been welcome. Now, it was what he wanted more than almost anything else. It would be his opportunity to get to know the person she had become. He grasped her hand, pressing it harder into his own flesh, capturing her, holding her there. “Mom, I didn’t want to forgive you. Because if I did, it meant I had to let you in. I’ve kept that door in my heart closed long enough.”
A single tear trickled onto her cheek.
Rave brushed at it. “Do you remember that saying you used to tell me? About the selfless act?”
“The true beauty of a person lies in their willingness to be selfless. Selflessness may require sacrifice, but it always produces the kinds of stars that shine the brightest.”
“I’ve tried to live by that, Mom, as best I could. But from today forward, I promise to. I promise to make you proud.”
“Rave, I’m already proud.”
There was a time when hearing those words from his mother wouldn’t have meant a thing to him. Now, it seemed like the most profound phrase he could ever hope to hear. “I love you.” His voice cracked.
“I love you, too. And even though it’s not right for me to ask, I hope that one day you can forgive me for not being the kind of mother you deserved.”
There was suddenly so much to say to her. So much to tell her about Daniel and his life and how he used to play guitar because she’d once dragged home a secondhand guitar for him, but how he didn’t play much now because his life was so full. There were a million thoughts crashing through his mind. She needed to know that he could change his own flat tire because she’d taught him how. And that sometimes the car’s battery cables got dirty, and a can of soda could do the trick. There was much to say. And no more time to say it. So, he settled on, “Mom, I forgive you now.”
She laughed through the tears. “Forgiveness. It changes everything.”
Two nurses interrupted them. “It’s time, Miss Wayne.”
“Rave, take care of Daniel. And take care of Tuck.”
“Please don’t talk like you’re not coming back from this.”
But she only smiled. “No matter what happens, my heart is right here with you. Never stop shining, Rave. You’re the one star that lights my world.”
“I love you, Mom.” The words were rushed. He’d already said them once but needed to again. Needed her to hear. It was as if the room had swallowed the words, making them fade, voiding them. “I never stopped loving you. Not even for one day, not even for one moment.”
Tears trailed her temples and ran into her hair. “You’re the one thing I did right in my life.”
Moments later, one of the nurses told him he’d have to leave. He moved away from her bed slowly but continued to hold her hand until both of theirs were outstretched, and only their fingertips touched. It was like letting her slip away, but he knew he had to let go. Tuck was waiting in surgery and was running out of time. Rave left—no small feat with legs made of lead. He paused outside the door, leaned his weight against the cold glass wall, and prayed.
CHAPTER 21
Rave stood on the back deck of Tuck’s house, watching the morning arrive. He’d prepared himself for losing Tuck—at least as much as anyone could. He’d considered what it would feel like to return home to the quiet of the house and the whimpering of Bullet, a dog with no master. Then, he’d prepared himself for losing his mother, the woman who’d done her best to raise him in the shadow of the great demon Addiction. But he hadn’t prepared himself for losing them both. That realization came after the eleventh hour. They’d had only a few updates while they’d paced the waiting room. Still in surgery, still stable. It was then that the desperate thought entered his head. Like a drill on full blast, it burrowed into his psyche, making it nearly impossible to think of anything except the fact that he didn’t know how to plan funerals and whether there was some kind of book that would teach him. Eleven hours of waiting, sipping cold coffee, counting the waiting room tiles. Watching as other families came and left, gathering their belongings and their snacks and board games and playing cards, watching surgeons step through the doorway and deliver wave after wave of good news. Watching people breathe sighs of relief and smile and joke for the first time in hours. Their body language changed, their hearts lightened, their loved one was going to be fine.
I’m going to lose them both. He hadn’t been able to stop his mind from straying onto that path. It had so taken over that when the surgeon stepped out and said they were both in recovery, and things looked good, Rave had shaken his head, confused. Surely, he’d heard wrong. The surgeon had pulled the surgery cap from his scalp, leaving short brown hairs to stand on end. He’d placed a hand firmly on Rave’s shoulder. “They’re fine. Both Tuck and your mother.” He’d nodded as if he understood where Rave’s mind had settled. Thoughts of a hillside monument in the local cemetery dissipated like fog in the sunshine.
Now, two weeks after surgery, that moment was still fresh in his mind. The surgeon had smiled, dark circles beneath his eyes smiling as well. He looked tired. “Your mother had a minor complication, a spike in her temperature, but she’s stable and doing great. Tuck is one tough old guy. He came through it like a champ.”
Even now, Rave replayed those moments in his head. In those eleven hours he’d learned how truly important family was. How much was forgivable . . . even if it wasn’t forgettable.
Tuck had returned home yesterday after a thirteen-day stay in the hospital. For the first time, Rave sensed that life was going to be normal. Somewhat normal. At least, his normal, and that was more than he’d dared ask for. Bullet sat at his feet on the back deck with the sun casting shimmering rays on the lake behi
nd the house. Finally Rave could put to bed those thoughts of losing everything he’d just gained. Both Sharon and Tuck were OK. Sometimes he’d catch himself saying it over and over again. Sharon and Tuck are OK.
He’d moved his mom into Tuck’s house. She’d been in the hospital seven days, and when she was released, he knew he wanted to keep her close, keep an eye on her. He’d watched her fight the pain of the surgery with almost no meds. She was incredible.
Becca rapped on the glass slider, and when he turned, she stepped out to him. “I thought I’d find you out here.” She was dressed in a light-blue sweater, thin material, but enough to keep the late-summer morning chill from her skin.
He reached out and pulled her into his arms. “You look beautiful this morning.”
She batted her eyes. “I do what I can.”
The sun rays gravitated from the lake to her, as if knowing she was a more brilliant canvas. He ran his fingers through the long locks of her hair where sunshine glinted off every strand. “Have you been thinking about Alexandra’s proposition?” It was another thing that had happened since the surgery. Alexandra’s wandering spirit had settled on an extended trip to Europe. She’d littered the entire coffee shop with booklets and tour guides, saying that as long as she knew she’d get to go, she could wait a few months.
“It’s a huge responsibility.”
Rave smiled. “I know. But she’ll be checking in weekly. You practically run the place now.”
Becca’s eyes widened. “Out front. I run the dining room. She does the books. That’s what’s scary.”
“But it won’t be if you take my advice.”
Becca huffed. “I don’t have to make a decision today. We’ve had enough stress. And speaking of stress, how are you?”
Rave bent and kissed her cheek. “I couldn’t have made it through this without you.”
Something Like Family Page 27