by Joey W. Hill
"You asked whether I had any."
"But you gave me more than I asked. You rarely do that."
"You told me yourself. You have Ennui. Rather than dealing with psychotic rages and impulse control crimes, it appears you have won the prize of rampant memory loss. Eventually you might forget all you are told." Keldwyn tilted his head back, his dark eyes mere slits, but Uthe read the acid humor there. "A bottomless wishing well to whom I can tell my secrets."
Uthe was amused. "Very insightful of you, my lord."
Before the battle of Hattin, he remembered his comrades in arms exchanging quips about the heat and dust... "In five minutes, we'll be crossing Heaven's Gates, mes freres. No more sand in our arse cracks..."
"Have you ever ridden a rollercoaster, Lord Keldwyn?"
"No." The Fae's brows arched. "Why would you ask?"
"I assume you have experienced a great many things. It intrigues me, what we have chosen not to experience."
"Hmm. Roller coasters are metal and electronics, and separate me from the earth. They are not the same pleasurable experience as they might be for others."
"There were wooden coasters before the metal ones."
"True enough. Perhaps because I have ridden dragons, I didn't see the appeal." Keldwyn gave him a considering look. "Would you like to ride a dragon sometime, Lord Uthe?"
"If the dragon has no objection."
Keldwyn smiled, but Uthe continued to study his profile when he went back to watching the girls. "You've been visiting the human world for some time. You can handle the energies that sap the younger Fae. You have served as regent for your queen when she was absent. King Tabor takes your advice. You are considerably powerful among your kind."
"More so than some, less than others."
"Modesty is not your natural state, my lord. Cunning, however, is more natural to you than breathing."
Keldwyn dropped his head back, studying the interlacing of tree branches above them. "What is your point, Lord Uthe?"
"Lady Lyssa told us she first met you in the forests when she was fugitive. I don't believe it was a chance meeting, and I suspect she no longer does either. When she was a child, Fae assassins were sent after her and her mother. She said that King Tabor brought that to a halt when he took the throne, but I suspect a different perspective influenced his thinking and that of those around him."
"The timing was right. Everyone was weary of killing," Keldwyn said. "I told them she would be more vampire than Fae, and likely have no power to wield."
"You were wrong." When Keldwyn offered him an enigmatic look, Uthe lifted a brow. "I stand corrected, my lord. You did say 'likely', did you not?"
"I knew her father. There was little chance she'd be born powerless. However, the political landscape in the Fae world changes quickly. By the time she embraced her power, if she had any, I knew she'd no longer be a target."
Those four words, "I knew her father" were filled with things that would fill a thousand conversations...or were so precious they'd never be part of one. Uthe remembered the unexpected twist of jealousy he'd felt last time they spoke of Reghan. It was a pointless and unfounded emotion, yet the barb was still there when Keldwyn referred to him now. You have rights to nothing but what he gives you now, and what little you can give to him, Varick.
It startled him to hear him refer to himself by his given name. Fortunately, Keldwyn distracted him.
"My children were old enough to make their own decisions," the Fae Lord said. "I suffer painful regrets but not guilt. Aggression and conflict are innate to humanoid species. Just as there is no one way to most things worth embracing, there is no one way to maintain peace or restore it. One ruler requires a show of strength to respect borders, a threat of retaliation the only thing that will back him or her down. Another needs just the right amount of manipulation to feel it is his or her idea to not draw arms. And sometimes, regrettably, battle is the way to peace. Peace is never a permanent state. It requires constant vigilance for all involved."
"Peace is not very peaceful for those in charge of keeping it."
Keldwyn made a noise of agreement. "And the quality of peace itself must be considered. Things might be peaceful under a brutal dictator who will execute anyone who disagrees with him or her, but it is hardly conducive to happiness...or long term peace. Peace can be part of a benevolent tyranny, as it is under Lady Lyssa."
It was one of their typical discussions, a casual meandering through philosophy, theory and personal experience. But Uthe knew he'd made an important connection between Keldwyn's motives for being a liaison and the loss of his children. Maybe that was why his next question was one he had no right asking, unless he wanted to give the Fae Lord the right to dig just as deeply into his soul. Or maybe Kel was already so deep, Uthe was just trying to catch up.
"Was he the love of your life, then?"
He didn't say Lord Reghan. He knew he didn't need to do so. The mortal world might scoff at such a phrase, and the immortal world deem it endearingly childlike, but perhaps his heart had remained embedded in a time when such a declaration was a badge of honor, a favor to be worn in every endeavor.
If Keldwyn's decision to serve as a liaison, mediator, diplomat, devil's advocate or sacrificial lamb, depending on the situation, had been motivated by all those he'd loved and lost to war and conflict, especially Reghan, it would be the height of pettiness for Uthe to be jealous of that bond, seeing the good it had possibly done. It didn't abate his tension as he waited for the response.
"I do not believe the love of your life can be someone who doesn't love you the same way. No god is so cruel." Keldwyn pursed his lips. "Unless it's a form of atonement, for crimes from this or a previous life."
"I think I have been a good influence on you, my lord. You're pondering the wisdom of God's decisions and accepting His Judgment."
Keldwyn snorted and lay back fully on the grass, dropping a forearm over his eyes. "I am in no mood for debates today. I'm napping. Let me know if those silly children have need of us."
Uthe made an accepting grunt. He watched the slight rise and fall of Keldwyn's chest under the jerkin, the chest hair revealed at the vee neckline. The sunlight made the light mat of curling hair gleam. Uthe imagined unlacing the jerkin to trace all the layers of muscle with fingers or tongue. Yet as he thought about Kel and his children, he saw past the strength and thought of thick glass. Resilient, but not shatter proof.
"It does not matter how powerful a being thinks he is, Lord Uthe," Keldwyn said abruptly. "There is always someone else more powerful, who can take away what you value most. I learned that with Reghan. I thought I could save him with strength. I could not. I protected his daughter with cunning, which I learned was a far more powerful weapon, though it takes its cost, which at times is dearer than what the sword can take from you."
"What is that?"
Keldwyn didn't remove his arm, so his eyes remained hidden. "Trust. The freedom to love without cynicism, without calculation to maneuver things into the best position for yourself. Which is not love, of course. Cunning can become a permanent and irreversible state."
"I disagree. It is a language. Once understood, the true soul of the individual using it is revealed. And maybe once he knows that, he can stop using cunning all the time and trust someone with his true feelings."
"Your use of third person is clunky and transparent, Lord Uthe."
Uthe didn't disagree. Catriona was standing on the unicorn's back. She did a backward somersault, helped by her wings, and dove into the deeper end of the pond, to Della's delight.
"How are you doing on deciphering my language, Lord Uthe?" Keldwyn said after that pause.
"It's by turns a fascinating and puzzling endeavor, my lord. It tends to change quite rapidly, like an encrypted code. But it holds my attention sufficiently. It hasn't become tedious."
Keldwyn's lips curved, their appeal even more noticeable with his arm in place over the upper part of his face. "I am glad of it. Tell me w
hat you have deciphered, that is uppermost in your mind right now."
"And why would I do that?"
"Because I might share the same, to balance the scales. I suspect our thoughts intersect and complement one another, my lord."
"Perhaps you should go first, then, since you brought up the subject."
The lips curved even more. Uthe suppressed a desire to lean forward, touch the Fae's mouth. He settled for plucking a piece of meadow grass and rolling it in his palms, inhaling the sweet scent of its core.
"Fine. But you have been reluctant to go down this path before. I will not stop this time, Varick. Should I proceed, or do you lack courage?"
Uthe chewed on the grass, found it as flavorful as its scent. "Do as you will, my lord." He was risking himself, he knew, but they were in more vulnerable territory right now, the both of them. The energy charging the air between them--despite the sunny day, their casual poses and the young ones playing nearby--told him so.
"You have been the right hand to two Council leaders and, while capable of leading, you have displayed no obvious desire to take over that leadership role," Keldwyn said. "That could be explained easily enough by your commitment to this quest. Yet during those social occasions where vampires orchestrate sexual play between their servants and often participate themselves in certain ways, you do not. You set the stage, you watch, you provide aftercare to your servant to tell her she has pleased you, but you do not actively participate in front of others. I suspect that has less to do with your celibacy vow and more to do with yourself. You are far more conservative than other vampires."
These were things a careful observer could deduce, though Uthe was impressed that Keldwyn had figured out he was genuinely conservative about open sexual displays. He made a quiet sound of acceptance and Keldwyn continued.
"You chose to take the Templar oath and serve them, not only for the duration of their recorded existence, but to the present day." Keldwyn shifted the arm enough that Uthe could see the fathomless pools of his eyes hidden in the shadows beneath it. "The most meaningful relationships in your life have been based in service. You are divided between nature and need, Lord Uthe. You cannot deny your Dominant vampire nature, and it shows itself in your leadership capabilities, your savage fighting skills. But you need service and--dare I say, in some very important, key way--the opportunity to submit to a lover. You need to let go of things so deeply buried inside you, it will take a very particular type of Dominant male lover to give you that opportunity."
Uthe wanted to shift his gaze, but he resisted the urge. He was remembering what Mariela had said. Someone who is as much your Master as you are mine. "An impressive sales pitch. Very compelling."
"You have perfected that poker face. But just as you are learning to read mine, I am learning to read yours." The arm shifted, Keldwyn's eyes disappearing again. "Your turn. Would you like to balance the scales?"
No, he wouldn't. Kel's words had sunk into him, holding him in place, weighing him down in a way that made his body heavy with anticipation, fueled by that very need he'd just mentioned. Offered. Uthe stared off into the forest, and felt rather than saw Keldwyn shift his arm again to stare at him. His skin felt hot, and there was an odd quiver in his chest, like a butterfly had been let loose there.
"I have a request, my lord," he said.
"If it is my inclination or in my power to give, it is yours."
Uthe smiled at the qualification, but his heartbeat remained erratic. "I would like you to reinstate the terms of your binding. You may demand of me what you wish, as part of the price of your assistance."
Keldwyn pushed himself up on his elbows and sat up. "Look at me, Varick."
Uthe turned his head, met him eye to eye. Keldwyn's mouth was close, too close. He couldn't take his eyes away from his lips, the slope of his jaw, the pulse beating in his elegant throat. That autumn scent was surrounding him. Apples and earth. It changed from day to day, but all within the same spectrum that let Uthe identify him by nose alone.
"If I do so, it will not be part of a barter," the Fae Lord said. "It will simply be what it is between us. Do you understand?"
The edge of command was in his voice, and raw need, volatile and strong. Yet he had it so controlled the demand of it felt like a fire pressing against Uthe's body. "Yes."
Keldwyn held his gaze. "Very well. But before I say yes or no, tell me what you know of me. I would hear you say it aloud."
Uthe didn't flinch, his voice coming out even and steady, no matter what was hammering inside him like a crazed lunatic. "When you have pursued a relationship with another, you are in control. Your preference for that is male. Your sexual liaisons with females still require elements of dominance, but you don't seek prolonged relationships with them, merely the enjoyment of coupling. Your deepest pleasure comes from holding the reins, exploring the lines of power and that give and take. It is why you are so effective in your politics, whether it is with the Vampire Council, Queen Rhoswen, or King Tabor and the powerful members of their courts. Yet behind closed doors, your craving is to exercise that desire on a male who is a Dominant...just not as Dominant as yourself."
"And how long have you realized this?"
"For almost as long as you've served as our liaison. Recognizing another Dominant is not a difficult thing for a vampire. Learning the shape of it is the challenge and the pleasure."
Pleasure was an understatement. In watching Keldwyn handle a volatile interaction with Belizar or Stewart, Uthe had occasionally realized mid-negotiation he wasn't calculating rebuttals to rescue his fellow Council members. He was doing nothing more than absorbing exactly how deftly Kel worked the conversation where he intended it to go, eliciting the response he wanted and gaining submission and acceptance to his direction. Most times they didn't even realize how effectively he'd done it. Lyssa usually did, if the gleam in her eye and set of her mouth were any indication. Her disagreements with Keldwyn mesmerized all of them, two Dominants fencing with words, body language. Uthe had never seen one get the upper hand on the other, but more than once watching the two of them had sent him to bed at dawn aching.
"You are a Master, Lord Keldwyn, in every sense of that word, in every aspect of your life. It defines your relationships at every level. Despite all his responsibility and leadership abilities, Reghan submitted to you sexually during the time you were lovers. He did not love you as you loved him, but that didn't matter. His loss, first to Lyssa's mother, and then to his execution, destroyed your desire to love, or to be anyone's Master, ever since."
Uthe didn't usually make the mistake of striking a nerve he hadn't intended to strike, but at Keldwyn's silence, the slight stiffening of his body, he wondered if that was what he'd done. Before he could offer an apology, Keldwyn touched his face, a bemused look crossing his face. "You have...stubble."
He put his hand up where Keldwyn was touching him to confirm it. "The dagger has that effect. Gives me body hair, facial hair. It disappears after I don't wear it for a few days. It helped me blend with the Templars, because they wore beards to increase their standing against the Saracens. They thought a man without a beard was little better than a boy."
"If they thought that, they've never sampled you up close." Keldwyn sat back. Despite the segue, Uthe could tell the Fae was turning over Uthe's words. It was in the set of his face, the look in his eyes. Uthe reached out and closed his hand on Keldwyn's shoulder.
"I apologize, my lord. I did not mean to open an old wound, asking about your children or Reghan."
"It was quid pro quo, for my misstep with Della. But it is never an old wound, and it has never closed or healed. No apologies are necessary. I opened the line of questioning, dug into what you might perceive as your own weaknesses, so deserve the results of it."
"I wasn't striking back."
"I know that. You are a unique type of vampire, Lord Uthe. Dominant in all the necessary ways, and sincere about it. Yet you are more than that one thing. Your cunning and your streng
th defies a single definition. I seek to offer you a place to go where neither is necessary. A place where the relentless pace and restraint you have had to maintain on everything else is no longer necessary."
Uthe swallowed and looked toward Della and Catriona. "It is a kind offer, but I cannot embrace the desires of a child, my lord. Some things, if you let go even a moment, you lose for all time. I become prey, waiting for the right predator to notice. I will not be a burden, requiring protection from those I value."
Keldwyn nodded at Catriona. As if feeling his regard, she turned, waving in his direction. "She has some power," the Fae observed, "but it is like a drop of rain in a thunderstorm, and that thunderstorm represents the dangers that could take her from me. Protecting her is an honor, not a burden, because of the joy she can give the world. But that's not why I protect her. I protect her because of who she is in my heart. Because when I draw breath, I know she is in that breath. We are connected." Keldwyn brought his attention back to Uthe. "Love can often be a heavy burden, my lord. But without it, we are empty vessels, and the lightness of an empty vessel is a curse."
Uthe went still. To an outside observer it might look as if Keldwyn had cast a spell over him, and maybe he had. The bridge their words had built was overwhelming, the implications of it.
Go ahead, try to change the subject, the Fae's fixed expression told Uthe. But I am holding your soul in my hands and we both know it.
"I enjoy our conversations, my friend." Keldwyn spoke after a weighted pause, sliding a knuckle down the front of Uthe's tunic. "And you look more comfortable in Fae clothing. A tunic and leggings suits you better than your human wear."
"It is similar to what we wore at the turn of the millennium."
"That is my point." Uthe tried not to react as Keldwyn's hand dropped to his belt, tracing the bitter end of the strap to his upper thigh. In Uthe's cross-legged position, Keldwyn could slide his hand under the tunic to fondle Uthe's cock and testicles through the stretched, formfitting leggings, but the Fae only hinted at that with the direction of his hand. He slid his palm over Uthe's thigh, outlining the layers of muscle there.
"On a day as beautiful as this, one's impulses must be obeyed. Come down here, my lord. Stretch out with me."