Leaving Lana'i

by Edie Claire

  They began their tour with the island’s second resort, the Lodge at Ko'ele, a sprawling Victorian-style estate whose lofty British splendor made a surprise appearance on the hill just outside town. They swung through the circular drive to admire the giant Norfolk Pine and Aki’s expert landscaping, then waved at the horses in the nearby pasture and drove on. With music playing and the windows open, they sped along the paved part of the road down toward Shipwreck Beach, laughing and reminiscing about their respective high schools, a topic they decided to stick with after Gloria became an active participant. Maddie was fascinated by the changing landscape around them, which gradually became drier and bleaker as they descended. The high fields and forests turned first to bushes and small trees, then thinned gradually to tufts of yellow grass and black boulders before meeting the ocean at the barren northeast shore. She smiled at the colorful chukar birds that scuttled along the road and twice made Kai stop the truck when she thought she spotted a mouflon sheep.

  They made fun of her, of course, for poking around in the bushes looking for nests and for wandering around for twenty minutes on foot tracking what ended up being just another axis deer, but for every complaint they made, she offered more detail about interspecies relationship dynamics, which shut them up nicely. The actual shipwreck visible from the road — an ugly concrete-hulled monstrosity from World War II which didn’t wreck at all but was grounded intentionally — held little interest for any of them. After getting a good glimpse of the ocean, they turned around, went back up to the fork near the Lodge, and took the other road to meet the ocean again, this time all the way at the northwest edge of the island.

  By the time the truck rolled back into Lana'i City late that afternoon they were all hot, thirsty, banged up from the bumpy journey, and sore in the ribs from laughing so hard. They had run around and joked and shouted and sparred with each other and acted ridiculously goofy, but since they met almost no one else the entire time, Maddie hadn’t felt in the least self-conscious, which was a rarity for her these days. And judging from Gloria’s flabbergasted reaction, she was certain that acting like a lunatic was even more uncharacteristic for grown-up Kai. The outing was as light-hearted and carefree an afternoon as she could possibly have hoped for, and if every once in a while a little voice in her brain reminded her that she was willfully blocking something unpleasant and worrisome, she had just told it to shut the hell up.

  “So, Maddie,” Kai said as the truck slowed down on the residential streets. “You think we can do this thing tonight without poisoning everybody?”

  She chuckled uncertainly. “Doubtful. But we’re committed now.”

  “Committed to what?” Gloria demanded.

  “I told Mom that Maddie and I would handle dinner,” Kai answered. “We Maui residents don’t want to get reputations as freeloaders, so we’re going to buy groceries and cook over at Nana’s. We’ll let you know when everything’s ready.”

  “Since when can you cook?” Gloria asked.

  “I can’t,” Kai answered.

  “What about you?” Gloria asked Maddie.

  “I’m a grad student. I eat from cans.”

  Gloria swore. “Let me out at home. I’ll pre-eat.”

  “Your lack of confidence wounds me,” Kai joked.

  “Eye roll,” Gloria retorted.

  Kai let his sister out at their house and drove Maddie on to the market. “Thanks for that,” he said, smiling at her.

  “For what?”

  “For helping to smooth things out between Gloria and me. You don’t know it, but this is the best it’s been in months. She’s pretty much frozen me out ever since the first time I tried to talk to her about Dylan.”

  “I see,” Maddie said thoughtfully. What he could have said that ticked Gloria off so much, she couldn’t imagine. But she was happy that he was happy. She was glad she could help the Nakama family in any way at all.

  The truck stopped at a crossing and an older couple on the sidewalk waved at Kai. He waved back and so did Maddie, but as the man caught sight of Maddie in the passenger seat his hand dropped to his side. He whispered something into the woman’s ear which caused her to look at Maddie, too. As the truck pulled away, the couple continued staring after her.

  Maddie’s stomach churned. She decided to ignore it.

  “So,” Kai said brightly, though he was faking it. “What do we need? Ground beef for the burgers. And some cheese slices and buns. What do you need for that Southern potato salad?”

  “A real cook,” Maddie mumbled, wondering whatever had inspired her earlier confidence. She’d only made Lisa’s potato salad once and it wasn’t all that good. But she had promised Nana something Southern and although generic potato salad didn’t really fit the bill, there was no way Maddie was attempting fried okra. She rattled off what she thought she’d need, Kai parked the truck near the market, and they stepped out.

  As they neared the door of the market, Maddie noticed that a group of middle-aged women, a few of which looked vaguely familiar, were watching them from the opposite side of the street. When she looked back at them, the women averted their eyes. One of them attempted a wave at Kai, but he appeared not to notice.

  “Hey, Kai,” a man greeted as he came out the door of the grocery. He was in his thirties maybe, and he was shepherding two little kids along. “Good to see you!”

  “You, too, Kekoa!” Kai returned pleasantly, catching the door and holding it open.

  The man’s eyes moved from Kai to her, and his smile evaporated. “Oh,” he said awkwardly, reaching backward to corral his second child out the door. “Hey, there.”

  “Hello,” Maddie returned. Her heart began to pound.

  There was an uneasy silence as the kids dawdled along. A silence during which Kai might be expected to introduce his old pal Maddie. But he didn’t. Kekoa and his kids moved on.

  Kai tried to catch her eye as she dove past him. “Listen,” he whispered. “About—”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Maddie said quickly, darting inside. “I’ll get the produce.” She grabbed a small basket and headed for the potatoes. Her face was flaming, and she paused briefly by a refrigerator case to try and cool it down.

  What the hell?

  Maybe it wasn’t about her. The dashing and desirable Kai Nakama, Esq. had to be Lana'i’s most eligible bachelor. Any woman he brought home was bound to cause a stir. She hadn’t gotten any weird looks when she’d come to the market by herself earlier in the week, had she? She’d been walking around the city only this morning, and no one had paid any attention to her. The usual kind of attention, yes. But not this kind of attention. These weird, curious, knowing stares were something altogether new.

  Because they know who you are, now.

  Because you’re with him. Because the word has spread.

  She moved to the end of the aisle and darted around a corner where she couldn’t be seen. What was it in their eyes that chilled her so? It wasn’t dislike, or unfriendliness, or fear, or resentment… or anything like that. It was… what? Embarrassment? Pity?

  Women’s voices drifted to her from over a dry goods shelf. The conversation was a mix of Pidgin and regular English and probably wouldn’t have been difficult for Maddie to follow if she could hear it well. But their voices were hushed and muddled and sometimes barely above a whisper. She heard Kai’s name; one of them had just seen him somewhere else in the store. Then she heard her name. They were talking about her. Or were they talking about her mother? “Lolo,” one of them said. The Pidgin word for crazy. Or foolish.

  Maddie resolved to walk away. She had taken two full steps toward the potatoes when one phrase, painfully easy to understand, floated straight to her ears.

  “I’m surprised Kai would want anything to do with her!”

  The breath left Maddie’s body. She swayed a moment, her chest feeling like a vacuum.

  Don’t. Think. About. It!

  She made a beeline for the vegetables, stocked her basket, and whirled arou
nd to bump into Kai.

  “Got everything?” he asked.

  She looked straight at him, reading his eyes. Not only was he was aware of the wagging tongues, he was as anxious to leave the market as she was. They paid for their groceries and left.

  The park was busy late on a Saturday afternoon, and there was no way to drive around it and back to Nana’s house without passing by at least a few other people. Maddie didn’t recognize any of them, but they all seemed to know Kai. She tried to keep her head down, but she could tell they were staring.

  They reached their destination and Kai parked the truck. He tried again to say something, but Maddie cut him off. She hauled her sack of groceries into the house, found Nana’s potato peeler, and set herself to work. Nana had voluntarily vacated the premises — perhaps anticipating that if she stayed anywhere within shouting distance, she would get called upon to bail them out in the kitchen. She was probably right. Nana was right about everything.

  That’s the Maddie I remember, Nana had said about the neglected-looking girl in the picture. What do you remember, child? A cagey answer from a cagey lady. A woman who had always declined to speak ill of the dead.

  The people of Lana'i City knew something about Maddie. They knew something about her that she herself did not. And as proud as she had always been of being big and bold and brave and fearless — Madalyn Westover, capable of felling annoying lechers with a single blow! — this indefinable thing that she didn’t know was scaring the holy crap out of her.

  Why?

  What was she was so afraid of?

  I’m surprised Kai would want anything to do with her!

  What had she done?

  Maddie jumped as Kai’s hand appeared in front of her and clasped her gently around the wrist. He leaned up against the sink beside her and caught her eyes. “You’re trembling,” he said firmly. “And don’t deny it.”

  Maddie opened her mouth to do just that, but she could feel the potato peeler shaking in her grasp, even with his own hand supporting hers. She set both it and the potato down.

  “I have no idea what you’re thinking,” he said. “But…”

  “I’m just being paranoid,” she said dismissively.

  He leaned around in front of her, forcing her to look at him. “No, you’re not. You’re right. They were talking about you. And about me. It’s a small town. It happens. I’m sorry.”

  He smiled a little, and Maddie’s forehead creased with confusion. He was being truthful with her. Sort of. But not completely.

  She gathered her courage and drew in a breath. “Are they talking about my mother?”

  He paused, but only for a beat. “Yes.”

  “I see.”

  It would only make her feel guilty!

  Maddie’s hands started shaking again. She could still hear her father’s voice outside the door the day her mother had died. She had always heard it, would always hear it. It had plagued her all those dark days in Ohio, and she had kept it tucked away in her memory even in happier times with Lisa and her stepbrothers. She had never forgotten it because somehow, she knew it mattered. That it was connected in some gray and miserable way to the vagueness of her feelings about her mother. Her pain of loss that had never seemed deep enough. The love she had always feared wasn’t real enough.

  Was it all her fault?

  “I wish I could help, Maddie,” Kai said with frustration.

  He was standing close, but he wasn’t touching her. He had even let go of her wrist. All day long, even as they had romped and teased each other, he had been careful not to put his hands on her unnecessarily, much less manhandle her. She had noticed that, and she had appreciated it. He could be a miserable, stinking rat sometimes, but her Kai had also been, and always would be, a sweetheart.

  Could he help her? Oh, yes, he most definitely could. Nothing would feel better than a nice warm hug right now. But she wouldn’t use him.

  She had to get a grip on herself. She had known this reckoning was coming, hadn’t she? From the moment she’d looked at her old house she had known it. Known that something was wrong, that her picture of the past was incomplete. She’d been running from it her whole life, but if she wanted Lana'i back, she couldn’t run from it anymore. She had to stand up and face it, no matter how horrible it was then and no matter how awful it made her feel now.

  It would only make her feel guilty!

  No matter what had really killed her mother.

  She felt her legs tremble beneath her.

  “Maddie?” Kai begged.

  He was still keeping his distance, but she could feel his warmth even through the space between them. She could feel it… and she wanted it. Her feet moved involuntarily, closing the hated gap. Her arms wrapped around his waist and she buried her face in his shoulder. His strong arms enfolded her instantly, delivering a firm hug, and the relief she felt was so immense she let out a cry.

  You shouldn’t!

  Too late.

  He felt so good. As if the warmth of his own strength and compassion were flowing directly into her veins. She closed her eyes and thought of nothing for a moment, just allowed herself to absorb the goodness of him.

  “It’s going to be okay, Maddie,” he said softly. “I promise. It will. All that’s needed here is just a major clearing of the air, that’s all. You need to talk to your dad.”

  Maddie’s eyes flew open. She lifted her head and stared at Nana’s ancient curtains with pictures of pineapples on them.

  Kai knew everything, didn’t he? He had known all along. He just didn’t want to be the one to tell her. Well, that was fair enough. After all, she didn’t want to be the one to hear it. All that mattered was that Kai wouldn’t lie to her. If she asked him to tell her the truth right now, he would, wouldn’t he?

  But she wasn’t going to.

  So they were good.

  Pull away now, Maddie.

  Maddie continued staring at the pineapple curtains. So nice…

  Maddie!

  She straightened and pulled away from him, keeping her gaze down. “Thank you,” she croaked. She cleared her throat. “And I’m sorry about that.” She picked up the potato and peeler again.

  “Sorry for what?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

  “For taking advantage of your good nature,” Maddie said, lightening her voice a little. “And masculine charms. Wow. I have a lot of potatoes to peel, here.”

  She didn’t look up, so she couldn’t see Kai’s expression. But he stood where he was a long time before answering her. “No problem,” he said finally, still sounding confused. “I’ll start on the burgers.”

  Maddie skinned potatoes like a madwoman. If Nana’s peeler had been sharper, she would have peeled some of her own skin off as well. She needed some time alone, and Kai seemed to sense that. Either that, or he was afraid for his own skin. Whatever his reasoning, he went about his own preparations without trying to engage her, giving her as much space as was physically possible in Nana’s small kitchen.

  Yet Maddie’s eyes followed him covertly, her senses on high alert to his every movement, practically his every breath.

  She’d done it, now.

  She should never have let herself hug him like that. What had ever made her think she could find him attractive without being attracted to him? She wasn’t dead, was she? She had adored the boy. The man was gorgeous. Duh.

  She was flustered. And the fact that she was flustered irritated the hell out of her. So what if she was attracted to him? Why should that be a problem? She had wanted to be just friends, yes, but there was no reason they couldn’t be more, if that’s what they both wanted. He didn’t appear to be otherwise attached. And yet…

  And yet the utter, childish nervousness she felt at that prospect was worthy of therapy. Since the tender age of twelve she had been forced to defend herself against constant brushes, bumps, pokes, and grabs. Intrusions of a sexual nature, both physical and verbal, had only escalated as she got older. She was so sickened by
inappropriate attention when she was younger that even after she’d matured to the point when it might be appropriate, it held little appeal. Now, at twenty-five, the irony of her predicament was laughable. Every man who looked at her body assumed she came equipped with Olympic-level expertise.

  They were wrong.

  Maddie fought back a frustrated groan. She had no illusions about Kai’s attractiveness to other women and what that meant in terms of his own likely history. If he had any idea of the reality of her own, he would doubtless find her more pathetic than tempting. It was like he was used to racing Ferraris, and she didn’t even have her permit.

  Ouch.

  Just shut up, Maddie!

  She dropped the pot of hard-boiled eggs prematurely and it fell into the sink with a clatter.

  Kai jumped. “Everything okay?”

  “Peachy,” Maddie answered. “But only because I was going to break the eggs anyway. How are the burgers coming?”

  Kai sighed. “Let’s just say that all those times my grandparents had the family over for Sunday dinners in Provo, I’m wishing I’d spent more time watching Grandma cook and less time beating my cousins at ping pong.”

  Maddie stole another glance at his muscular arms, at the smooth brown skin she’d always found so appealing.

  Her “little Kai” had turned out so very, very nicely.

  It was a shame she had no idea what to do with him.

  Chapter 20

  “Kai! Kai, wake up!”

  Kai heard his mother’s voice and the room around him swam into focus. He was hot. Broiling hot.

  “Wake up, now. Everything’s okay. You were just having a nightmare, that’s all.”

  Kai struggled to get his bearings. He was half on, half off the couch in his parents’ house. The temperature was a thousand degrees. He was dripping with sweat. His heart was racing.

  “I’ll get a cup of cold water.”

  His father’s voice. Calm, but concerned.

  Kai focused his eyes and looked around. Malaya was perched on the edge of the couch beside him. Aki was moving toward the kitchen. Gloria stood at the door to her room. It was dark outside.