by Geoff Ryman
What he is doing or thinking
The train pulls out, Tahsin sighs with exhaustion. Last night he argued with his two best friends about Islamic fundamentalism. Tunc teaches at the School of Oriental and African Studies1 and is from an old Ottoman family. ‘There are only a million modern Turks, but we have all the power,’ Tunc said, heavy lidded with superiority. Tahsin’s other friend Umut is a failed actor, drinking himself to death. ‘There would be no more wine,’ Umut complained. ‘Umut’ means Hope. Tahsin lost his temper with both of them.
Tahsin is from Marash, a town famous only for its rubbery ice cream. His mother and father are illiterate and faithful. ‘My modern son,’ sighs his father on the phone with pride when told Tahsin is writing a book on a computer. After all the other isms, Islam at least feels native.
His jacket is being crushed. Sleepily, Tahsin hangs it on an available peg—the Dead Man’s Handle.
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Another helpful and informative 253 footnote
1 As a service to our international readers, 253 provides these helpful and informative footnotes designed to point out unusual features of history and architecture. Relax! Imagine you are on a whirlwind coach tour of Britain—only without being trapped for two weeks with people you never want to see again.
The School of Oriental and African Studies became part of the University of London in 1916 and is yet to fully become so in spirit. Its original building is a dispiriting brick nonentity lost in the no man’s land between Russell Square and Malet Street. A newer extension (1979) looks like the South Bank. A new building was donated by the Sultan of Brunei in the 1990s to the School. It needed it.
Scholars from vastly different disciplines and cultures who live in the suburbs and commute daily discover at SOAS that they have nothing to say to each other. Proof positive that to have geography in common is to have nothing in common.
In fact, SOAS has a lot in common with tourist group bus tours.
Or perhaps a trip on London Underground.
2
MRS VALERIE TUCK
Outward appearance
Page-boy haircut, green wool poncho over layers of olive and brown. An old-fashioned reporter’s notebook on her lap. She chews her pencil.
Inside information
Edits the in-house journal of Otto Beetlehide Ltd, an international shipping company. Valerie’s job usually involves buying in freelance journalists to work for branch offices in Cyprus, Denmark, Ipswich.
What she is doing or thinking
Writing an article herself. After a second theft of computer chips, employees in the London office were issued with photo passes. They were sat in front of a camera operated by postroom staff. The results were unflattering blue photographs on badges held by a choice of clip or chain.
The article is called ‘What the Well Dressed Beetlehide Employee is Wearing’. Val advises how to wear the badge stylishly. ‘Try hanging it down your back from its chain. This is simple, elegant, and less nerdish than clipping it to your front pocket.’
She captions the article’s only photograph. ‘Bruce Clipping, staff designer, models the mixed approach.’ Her raffish assistant wears it clipped to his belt while still held by its chain from a waistcoat pocket. Val recommends spraying the badges lightly with gold nail polish, ‘to neutralize the ice-blue, just-arrested look. Younger staff members into punk may wish to clip badges to ears or run the chains through nasal piercings.’
Val sketches elongated people holding the badges like handbags or fans. Like the drawings she did in school, back when she thought she was going to work in fashion.
She smiles as if at her younger self. The article will be fun.
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3
MRS DEBORAH PAYNE
Outward appearance
Young, effective businesswoman. Red crepe blouse peeks out of black coat. Simple but expensive gold earrings. A new leather briefcase crouches like a pet panther at her feet. In job interviews, her face always fits. It is now slightly fragile, lost in thought.
Inside information
Legal assistant for the construction company Mosstains. Currently unattached. Inspired by the suicide of her younger brother, she works nights for the Samaritans.
What she is doing or thinking
She has done a terrible thing: last night her boss rang Samaritans; they were short-staffed so she took the call anyway.
Deborah has never had much respect for her boss. He is capricious, limelight hogging, sometimes generous, always disorganized. He apparently thinks the same thing. ‘I want to get out, but I can’t, I’m too old. And there’s this woman. She’s nice enough, but she disagrees with everything I say, and I just don’t seem to be able to get through to her.’
Deborah has never thought of herself as a powerful person. She appears to be driving her boss to suicide. That is not her chosen role in life. The whole tumult of his character rolls over her, and she feels horror for him.
At Waterloo, she steps out onto the platform and recognizes him from behind. There are rules against this, but rules are for when you do not know what to do. ‘John!’ she calls out and runs after him. She takes his arm. ‘John, you can leave Mosstains, you don’t need to die!’ His mouth hangs open in fear, loathing, surprise, rage.
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4
MR DONALD VARDA
Outward appearance
Blond, plump, about thirty. Wears a tight grey suit fashionable a decade ago. Sits in the last seat available. Grins fixedly. The man next to him shifts uneasily.
Inside information
A financial adviser at the Kennington Building Society. Its deposit accounts offer the highest interest rates in Britain.
What he is doing or thinking
Donald is re-imagining the ending to An American Werewolf in London.2 The hero, Harold, realizes only Jenny Agutter can kill him and set him free. He tries to make her take the gun, singing ‘It Has to Be You’. She weeps for him. Then, he begins to change. The werewolf chases her through her flat, just as the white-haired expert arrives…
Cut to a children’s cartoon on television. It features Wile E. Coyote and is followed by a commercial for the American Lycanthropy Society. It shows Harold at work, in a bank. ‘We are pleased and proud to have Harold as part of our clerical team,’ says the manager. Drugged up to the eyeballs, Harold shakes his hand. His grin is fixed, desperate. ‘Werewolves can lead normal, productive lives,’ says the expert. ‘I should know. I am a werewolf.’
The camera pulls back from the TV. Harold is being made to eat breakfast by his wife. She is not Jenny Agutter. The soundtrack plays, ‘It Had to Be You’. All Harold’s victims surround him, and in their midst is Jenny Agutter. He killed her too. She looks on and weeps.
Where did I get that from? Donald wonders. Then he remembers. He works in a bank.
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Another helpful and informative 253 footnote
2 There is a library angel who looks after people who write and read books. The most spectacular case for me was when the LA suggested the town of Manhattan, Kansas as the setting for a book. The first reference I found on the town in the Guide to Periodical Literature was an article describing a trip through Manhattan taken on a train from St Louis in 1861, lavishly illustrated with photographs taken at the time. Exactly what I needed.
I also know there is a web angel. I wrote this little character wondering what reference his daydream had to 11th January, 1995. Why would someone on a train be thinking of that particular movie? Checking the TV listings weeks later I found out that An American Werewolf…was screened on Cable TV that night. It was so unlikely, I convinced myself I made it up, and forgot it. Checking again, at the end of 1996, there it was. So Donald has seen the TV listings and that’s inspired him. But I didn’t know that when I wrote it.
5
MR BRIAN LATHAM
Outward appearance
Pretty and old—blond hair, cornflower blue eyes. Sits bunched up and turned away from everyone until Donald Varda sits next to him. He then twists back around and segues through a series of extraordinary postures—from Rodin’s The Thinker, to simply shielding his eyes. Upper lip is sucked into a thin frown, lower lip thrust forward. Wears a blue corduroy suit. No winter coat or briefcase.
Inside information
A broadcaster and cookery correspondent out of work since LBC folded. He now caters for and guests at dinner parties for a fee. Returning to his expensively mortgaged Georgian home near Elephant and Castle.
What he is doing or thinking
Last night he cooked dinner for a bullying ex-colleague who has always terrified him. As a ‘friend’ Brian was paid to stay overnight and clean up in the morning after they left. Brian knows nothing about cleaning. The poodle left a turd on the carpet. He tried to hoover it up. The vacuum cleaner jammed. He washed the hoover in the sink. The vacuum cleaner shorted when he tried to use it again. The kitchen sink was still muddy with shit. He experienced a blinding rage, and walked out, sink, carpet, cleaner all thick with proliferating turd. He is now appreciating how that will look to his client.
Brian perceives himself to be an essentially tragic figure. You don’t like being a servant, he tells himself, but you are a servant. That’s what you’ve become. He pushes himself to his feet at Waterloo, and gets out, to return to Kensington3 and duty.
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Another helpful and informative 253 footnote
3 Kensington is one of those vaguely western parts of London in which rich people live. Therefore very few Brits live there, unless it’s in hotels funded by the local council to house those on benefit.
It was a place of farms and factories until the 17th century when mansions began to be built there, including Holland House, Campden House and Kensington Palace. It’s called the ‘Royal Borough’ because a Queen was born there. Only one?
I know nothing else about it. Life is too short.
6
MRS MARIA REVENTOS
Outward appearance
Twenty-five, black coat, black ski pants strapped under her instep, generous grey scarf. Obviously partnered to the next passenger. She is reading aloud in Spanish from The London Underground Handbook.
Inside information
A train fan from Guadalajara, Mexico. Her husband became enamoured of the town’s old rolling stock. She became enamoured of him. In the early days of their marriage, she was winsome, naughty, headstrong. He was good, pained, slow. To make up for it, she has come with him on a train-lover’s holiday.
What she is doing or thinking
She is fully occupied translating this passage:
A unique feature of the D78 stock is that it has tube stock sized wheels. Traditionally, surface stock has always had 1067 mm wheels, whereas tube stock has 790 mm wheels. In an attempt to reduce the number of different types of wheel sets in use on the system, the D78 stock has the same type of wheels as the 1973 tube stock.
The D78 stock also saw the introduction of a new kind of bogie…
Maria is conscious of a wearisome yearning in her breast. She is an intelligent woman, a school teacher. She wants to see the history of England. Harrods, she wants to go shopping in Harrods and buy tweeds, though they are a bit hot for Guadalajara. Instead, she is travelling on every line of London Underground. She hates the air, she hates the noise, she hates the blackness through the windows, perpetual night.
Then, as the train slows, her husband taps her arm to leave. She looks up in surprise.
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7
MR VICTOR REVENTOS
Outward appearance
He looks like Geronimo—high cheek-bones, long nose, short mouth. He wears a blue-grey jacket of a kind not available in England, a blue and brown checked shirt, jeans, and immaculately white trainers. He sits with an arm behind his neighbour’s head, his hand separating strands of her hair. He keeps looking up as if nervous.
Inside information
A train fan and civil engineer from Guadalajara, Mexico. Two days ago, he bought every book in the London Transport Museum Book Shop. Making a daytrip to Elephant and Castle station (1907) to see its famous Leslie-Green-style tiles.
What he is doing or thinking
He finds English women dangerously attractive. His eyes keep flicking up at a girl with a mirror (Passenger 35), and a more mature secretary-type (Passenger 34). Then there is the trendy student with devastating skin (Passenger 33).
Victor was inspired to come to England not only because of London Underground but because during the last Olympics he saw televised a display of synchronized swimming. Two huge English gals with shoulders like walruses and smiles like Rita Hayworth’s breasted the waves in perfect unison.
Suddenly he’s heard enough about D78 stock. Suddenly, he wants to see English girls swimming. Suddenly he wants to be swimming. He suffers a moment of fannish conversion—a pang of loss, a giddying reversal and a burst of yearning as sudden and delicious as biting into fresh pineapple. He is now a fan of synchronized swimming. He taps his wife on the arm. They get out early at Waterloo Station in search of a swimming pool.
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8
MS LISA JABOKOWSKI
Outward appearance
Mid-thirties, long hennaed hair. A strained but carefully made up face. Boy’s black leather jacket with quilted shoulders probably from the 1970s—lots of unnecessary zips. Black jeans, heavy unmarked tan boots. Unusual black leather shirt, low cut to reveal a bony freckled chest. Enters with a dog wearing a spotless new blue body jacket. She sits at end of row next to large bag.
Inside information
Runs a market stall that sells very light, thin silver jewellery—bracelets, rings.
What she is doing or thinking
She is catching a Network Southeast train to stay with her mother, which she does when she runs out of money. She smokes a lot of dope, listens to a lot of music, but still does not seem to have a good time. The dog is her only real friend. She has it sit up on her lap, and gently strokes it. The beast pants with an air of patient forbearance. It is black, but its greying muzzle matches the old jacket.
Lisa catches her reflection in the window. She has always considered herself to be attractive. That is why selling jewellery was an appropriate occupation, why the black leather jacket is a daring fashion statement. What she sees in the pane of glass is an angular woman with a bitter, thwarted air. She sees her mother. Lisa became wild in order to avoid becoming her mother. Fate and genes seem to close in around her. Is this what happens to us, Mum? She begins to feel some extra sympathy. She gets off at Waterloo.
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9
MR KEITH OLEWAIO
Outward appearance
Jovial, mature black man sharing a series of jokes with a friend. Probably African from the accent. Expensive herring-bone trousers slightly mismatch with blue outdoor coat and soft shoes.
Inside information
Staying with his brother, who has a British passport. Jointly owns a minicab with Passenger 10. They are going to collect the car from a body shop located in arches under the railway. Mr Olewaio loves being a driver in Britain. Takes Polaroid photographs of his customers. Hopes in this way to make lasting friends.
What he is doing or thinking
He is telling his partner what happened with last night’s fare, a drunken woman who wanted to get to Potter’s Bar and was unable to suggest a route. Potter’s Bar is just outside the range of London A-Z. Mr Olewaio knows nothing of London geography, and did not have a compass. London boroughs usually street-sign cross roads, not main streets. The signs can be posted anywhere on the sides of buildings, and Mr Olewaio needs glasses. He drove concertedly along a main road, finally glimpsing what it was called—‘High Street�
�.
‘North, north,’ the woman kept saying. He kept looking for the Thames. Realized he was heading south. Left the woman on a train platform. ‘But this isn’t Potter’s Bar,’ she protested. He shows a Polaroid photo of her. She is slumped on a bench, looking very confused. He gave her money for the train. He laughs, but is laughing at himself. Under the laughter, he is becoming coldly determined. I am a fool, a he thinks, until I learn.
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10
MR TOBY SWISWE
Outward appearance
Thoughtful, mature black man, nodding and smiling as his neighbour tells jokes. They both wear nearly identical herringbone trousers. From time to time nervously gnaws his thumbnail.