In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

It was like déjà vu only this time it was in my office. It was after hours and I sat at my desk with Taki standing at the other side. She’d just told me all about what went down with her and her husband. I wanted to tell her that she was stupid for walking in her home with her underwear off, but I kept that thought to myself. I stared at the bruise from the slaps she’d gotten. I can’t lie, if she were my wife, I’d probably have slapped her too.

  “Well, with everything’s that’s happened, we really have no choice but to quit while we’re ahead.”

  Taki put her hands on her waist. “Quit while we’re ahead? What kind of an answer is that?”

  “Look, Taki, you asked me what I think we should do, and that’s what I think.”

  “But Whilice knows about us. We don’t have to hide anymore.”

  I stood up and sighed. Not again, I thought. “Taki, we’ve gone over this before. There is no us. And you may be happy that Whilice knows, but I don’t share the same sentiment. I’m not trying to have my spot blown.”

  “Don’t worry about that. Whilice wouldn’t say anything.”

  “How do you know he wouldn’t?”

  “Because he doesn’t have the balls.”

  “He had the balls to hit you.”

  Taki didn’t respond after my comment, and I could tell by the look on her face that Whilice’s outburst had been a slap in the face for her both literally and physically.

  “Look, Taki, Nakyia is going be having surgery to get rid of her nerve problem in a few weeks.”

  “So what does that mean?”

  “Like I said, we need to quit what we have going on.”

  “Why? Because your wife is having surgery?”

  “Things would have ended sooner or later, Taki.”

  “So your wife gets healed and my services are no longer needed. Is that how it works?”

  “You said it, not me.”

  Taki shook her head. “You are a piece of shit, you know that? How the hell can you be so callous? Look at my face, Abe! Don’t you even care at all about what happened to me? Aren’t you worried about what more damage Whilice might do?”

  “Look, I’m not trying to be cold. I’m just being real. You need to go home and try and diffuse the situation before it gets any worse.”

  “You mean before it gets any worse for you?”

  I stared at her but kept silent.

  “I don’t know how the hell I could have ever fallen in love with such a bastard.”

  “You weren’t supposed to fall in love.”

  “I hate you, Abe! You make me sick!”

  “Whatever, Taki. Just remember you tried to fire me already.”

  Taki’s eyes became slits as she said, “fuck you!” She stormed out of my office without another word.

  I leaned back in my chair and massaged my temples. I’d played it cool in front of her, but the news about her husband had me worried. After Nakyia and I spoke about her decision to have the procedure, and especially after our lovemaking, I started to really believe that our marriage could get back to normal. We would be able to do all of the things we used to do. We could be the couple we were supposed to be, in love the way we were meant to be. I wanted my old life with Nakyia back, but now that Whilice knew the truth about Taki and me, I was worried that my old life could be jeopardized if it hadn’t been already.

  I picked up the phone to call my wife to see if Whilice had opened Pandora’s box. My heart beat heavily as I waited for Nakyia to answer.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey sexy,” I said slowly.

  “Hey yourself, handsome. Are you coming home soon?”

  “Yeah. I just called to see how you were.”

  “I’m doing fine. In pain as usual, but hopefully that will be over soon. I can’t believe I’m having the procedure so soon. It normally takes a couple of months.”

  “I guess your time has come.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So other than the pain, nothing else happened today?” I asked, fishing.

  “Nope.”

  “Good. Well, let me head out of here, then. I just wanted to say a quick hi and tell you I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I hung up the phone slightly relieved but no less concerned. What move would Whilice make, if any? And worse still, would I get any more grief from Taki?

  Travis

  With the rain pouring down around me and lightning crackling in the ugly gray clouds above, I hesitated for a brief second as I thought about how I ended up standing at the front door of Paul’s home. Only his name wasn’t Paul. I discovered that when I looked at his driver’s license, and I can’t tell you how much it hurt to know that what I thought had been his name was in fact his middle name. It meant that all the times he’d told me how special I was, and how much I’d meant to him, and what happiness I brought to his world, had all been a lie. The fact is if I were as special as he claimed I was, then I would have been calling him by the name everyone else used. That was truly the last straw for me. He could stay in the closet all he wanted, but he wasn’t going to get another minute’s worth of attention from me. I deserved better and would find better. I was done with him for good. But then I went to the doctor for my routine checkup, which I do every six months, and was given the worst news.

  I was HIV positive.

  I didn’t want to believe it at first and had the test done over again. When the results came back the same, shock, anger, fear, and sadness hit me all at once. I went home and cried in my bed for days, barely eating and never sleeping.

  HIV positive.

  It was like being punished all over again.

  I’d seen many friends die from the virus. I’d seen the pain and torment that their body and minds went through, and I promised myself that I would do all I could to keep the virus from turning me into another sad statistic.

  AIDS.

  The word kept hitting me over and over, beating at me, begging me to let it come inside.

  Once my tear ducts ran dry, I sat and thought about all of the partners I’d been with without wearing protection. I could only come up with two people. The first time I’d gone bareback had been with Bill back when I was sixteen, so I eliminated him from the picture. My second time had been with Paul—well, not Paul anymore. We only had sex once without a condom, and that was because he said that he wanted to feel me raw inside of him. I was reluctant to at first, but when he started to go on and on about how much I meant to him and how we didn’t need the barrier in-between us, I gave in.

  Now here I was.

  I pressed the doorbell, took a deep breath, and shivered from the chill of the downpour. The umbrella that I had bought at the airport wasn’t the greatest, and rain was still getting to me. I was about to press the doorbell again when I looked up and saw a pair of eyes appear in-between the curtain by the window to the side. I knew whose eyes they were. They lingered for a second and then disappeared. Five minutes later, the front door opened.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  “Hello to you too, Paul,” I said evenly. “Or should I say, Brian? After all, that is your first name that you never bothered to give me.”

  Brian glared back at me and in another raging whisper said, “What the fuck are you doing here, Travis?”

  “We need to talk.”

  Brian took a quick glance behind him and then stepped outside and closed the door. I looked him up and down for a second and then shook my head.

  “Travis, you need to leave. Now.”

  “I’m not going anywhere until we talk.”

  Brian took a step toward me, not caring that he was getting wet and pushed me back. “We don’t have anything to talk about, Travis. Now I’m telling you for the last time, get the fuck away from my home.”

  “I tested positive, Brian,” I said bluntly.

  Thunder exploded in the sky above as Brian said, “What?”

  “I’m HIV positive. You gave me AIDS, you asshole!”

 
I didn’t mean to come off that way, but with the heavy rain, the thunder and lightning, and Brian standing before me as if he were better than me, I found myself unable to contain my anger. He’d handed me a death sentence and he was going to get a piece of my mind.

  “What the fuck are you talking about, Travis? What do you mean, you’re HIV positive?”

  I pointed my index finger straight at him. “I mean that your trifling, diseased ass gave me AIDS.”

  Brian shook his head. “You’re lying.”

  “I figured you’d say that.” I dug into my pants pocket. “Here are the test results.” I held up a folded piece of paper for him to take. Brian looked at my outstretched hand and then up at me. “Take it and see if I’m lying, Brian.”

  Brian smirked and folded his arms across his chest. He looked at the piece of paper in my hand again. I could tell that he was worried. “Take it, damn it!”

  Brian clenched his jaws and then grabbed the paper from my hand. “This is a stupid game to play, Travis,” he said, opening the paper. I stood silent for a tense five seconds as he scanned the results, and then suddenly, before I even knew what was happening, Brian viciously hit me in the face. I fell back to the wet pavement, dropping my umbrella. I knew immediately that my nose had been broken.

  “You fucking liar!” Brian raged. “That’s a fucking lie! I don’t have any goddamned AIDS, you pathetic homo.”

  As I lay on the ground dazed while my HIV-INFECTED blood gushed from my nose and mixed with the falling rain, the front door opened behind Brian.

  “Oh my God! What the hell is going on?”

  Brian turned around quickly. “Natalie, go back inside,” he ordered.

  Natalie stared at me with wide-eyed confusion as I struggled to my feet.

  “Brian, what is going on? Why are you fighting? Who is that?” She looked at me. “Who are you?”

  “Go back inside, Natalie,” Brian demanded again, trying to usher her back into the house. I staggered over to my test results, now soaked, and picked it up.

  “I’m sure I don’t need to ask, but are you his wife?” I was feeling dizzy from the blow I’d received; surely one of his best.

  “Yes, but who—”

  “Go back inside!” Brian yelled, cutting her off. He turned to me. “Travis, I’m giving you one last fucking chance to get the fuck out of here!”

  “Or what, Brian? You’ll beat me up again like all of the other times?”

  “What’s he talking about, Brian?” Natalie asked.

  Through the rain, I could see the confusion in her eyes thickening.

  Brian faced his wife again. “He’s not talking about anything. Now go back inside and let me deal with him.”

  “Oh, I’m not?” I looked at his wife. “There’s something that you need to know about your husband.”

  Turning back around toward me, Brian yelled, “Shut the fuck up, Travis!”

  I ignored him and kept my eyes locked on Natalie’s. “He loves it when I suck his dick.”

  I laughed as blood flowed and a wave of dizziness and pain hit me. I didn’t intend on being so vulgar but I was pissed.

  Pissed at Brian for hurting me physically and emotionally.

  Pissed at his wife for having the top spot.

  Pissed at myself for not using protection.

  I came to confront Brian, not hurt his wife, but now I didn’t care. “I’m Brian’s lover, Natalie. And believe me—he enjoys getting it up the ass a hell of a lot more than you do.”

  “Shut up, Travis!” Brian yelled. He turned back to Natalie, who was shaking her head. “Baby, don’t listen to him. He’s lying.”

  “If I’m lying, why do I have your wallet?” I asked, removing it from my other pocket and throwing it at him.

  Natalie picked it up from the ground and gripping it tightly, shoved it into Brian’s face. “You told me you lost this!”

  “Baby . . . I did.”

  “Then why does he have it?” She pointed at me as tears leaked from her eyes. I was completely drenched now, but didn’t care or notice. “Why does he have your wallet, Brian?”

  “Baby, I don’t know how he got it.”

  “Oh, please,” I said. “You know damn well you left it at my place in New York.”

  “New York?” Natalie asked.

  I nodded. “Oh, yes. That’s where I live, and that’s where he stays for a little rest and relaxation, because it’s tough being cramped inside of that closet. Isn’t it, Brian?”

  “No!” Natalie yelled out. “Brian . . . please, no!”

  “Baby, he’s lying,” Brian insisted. “I swear to you.” He turned away from her and faced me. “Tell her you’re lying, Travis! Tell her now!”

  “I’m not telling her anything but the truth!” I yelled back defiantly. “You are a homosexual. I am your partner. And you gave me AIDS!”

  As if on cue, lighting snapped and lit up the gray sky. Natalie cried out again. “Please, no! Please, Brian! No! No! No!”

  “Baby . . . it’s not true,” Brian insisted.

  “Look me in the eye and tell me he’s lying,” Natalie demanded.

  “He’s fucking lying,” Brian said, still trying to beat me down with his gaze.

  Natalie grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around. “Look at me, damn it! Not him!”

  Brian stared at her but didn’t say anything. “Tell me, Goddamnit!”

  I watched Brian shake his head.

  “I love you, Natalie,” he said, attempting to hug her, but she pushed him away.

  “That’s not what I want to hear!”

  “Baby . . .”

  “Are you gay?”

  “Baby . . .”

  “Is he your lover? Do you have AIDS? Oh God, do I?”

  “Tell her, Brian,” I cut in. “Tell her what we do in the bedroom.”

  “Shut the fuck up!” Brian raged with his back to me and Natalie eyeing him.

  I kept going. “Tell her about the special toys we use. Tell her about your favorite positions. Tell her what character you like to play.”

  Still, with his back to me, “Travis, shut the fuck up!”

  “Tell me, Brian!” Natalie insisted.

  “Tell her Brian!”

  “Travis, if you don’t shut up I swear I’m going to kill you!”

  “What, you’re not going to just beat me up, Brian? You’re going to kill me now?” My heart was beating heavily like the angry raindrops falling down around us. I had the feeling that something terrible was about to happen. There was an ill feeling in the breeze around us. An eerie gasp that wouldn’t subside. I know I should have stopped pushing buttons. I should have quit while I was ahead. But I just couldn’t. For the first time I felt like I was the one coming out on top. I was the victor and my spoils were Brian’s embarrassment and fear.

  “Is that what you want to do, Brian? Kill me?”

  I was about to say something else, but before I could, Brian spun around, removed a gun hidden in his waistline, pointed the muzzle at my chest and squeezed the trigger. I felt like I’d been hit with a thousand-pound sledgehammer as I fell to the ground seconds after the blast.

  “I told you to leave!” I heard Brian say above Natalie’s screaming. Of course, all of this seemed so far away as my chest burned and blood leaked from my chest wound, making me warm and then cold all at the same time.

  “I told you to fucking leave!” I heard Brian say again.

  Then Natalie: “Oh my God! Brian . . . What have you done!”

  “You . . . you shot me,” I said faintly. “You shot me,” I lifted my head and tried to rise, but the pain was too severe. Suddenly, everything around me began to spin frantically, forcing me to lay my head back onto the wet, hard ground.

  He’d shot me.

  As Natalie screamed, I looked past the falling rain to the gray clouds above, only they didn’t seem so gray anymore. I coughed harshly and when I did, I spit up blood.

  Brian had shot me, and I was dying.


  I thought about the way my life began at the age of sixteen when I came out of hiding, and compared it to how it was now ending. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier or more relieved than these two moments in my time. I said a prayer for my mother and Randy and thanked them for all they’d done for me. I also said a prayer for my father and Abe, and asked God not to punish them for being who they were. I think I smiled as I closed my eyes and prepared to move on to my next life. I just hoped that I would never take the last conversation I’d ever hear with me.

  “Brian . . . What have you done?”

  “I told him to leave! I gave him a chance!”

  “Oh my God! Oh God!”

  “I don’t have AIDS. I can’t have AIDS.”

  “Brian, put the gun down. Please!”

  “It’s not true. I don’t have AIDS.”

  “Brian . . . please put the gun down.”

  “Natalie . . . I’m so sorry . . . I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Brian. Now please put the gun down!”

  “Don’t tell the boys the truth. Tell them I was arguing about money. Tell them anything . . . just don’t tell them the truth.”

  “You can tell them you had a fight yourself, Brian. Please put the gun down!”

  “I love them, Natalie. I love them. They look up to me. Please don’t tell them. Let me be the man in their eyes.”

  “Tell them you love them later, Brian.”

  “I’m so sorry. So sorry. I love you. God forgive me.”

  Bang.

  “Briannnnn ! ! ! ! !”

  That was the last thing I ever heard. Please God, I begged as my life ended, don’t let that conversation come with me.

  Randy

  Monique was in my arms crying softly, while I sat stoic and in shock. Travis was dead. Shot and killed by his lover.

  I’d gotten the call from Officer Frank Krebbs from the Miami police department, because I was listed as Travis’s emergency contact. He told me with little to no emotion, although his voiced was laced with a he got what he deserved tone. Travis was dead and he was HIV positive. Though he probably didn’t want to, the officer told me how it all went down, as told to him by Brian’s wife.

  “Apparently, your brother found out that he was HIV positive and went to confront Mr. Wilson. As you’ve probably guessed by now, Mr. Wilson was in the closet about his . . . ah . . . preference, which is a damn shame really, considering the fact that Mrs. Wilson is such a beautiful woman. Most guys only wish to have someone that attractive. I’ll never understand how a man could go for another man. It’s just not natural. I mean—”