‘I told you about the bloody phone calls!’
‘I don’t believe you,’ I said again.
Bo stopped crying and looked at me, silent, her blue eyes fixed upon me.
I shuddered. I thought, I am in the presence of evil.
18
Both
The blows flew.
It wouldn’t stop. Fists in my face. A plague of fists, a storm of feet.
The boot going in,
the boot going in,
the boot going in again and again
until darkness fell.
Afterwards, I held her against me; the warmth of her breath on my neck; the warmth of her body; staring down at her, holding her gaze, her eyes glazed. Gone.
‘My beloved,’ I whispered. ‘My beloved.’
The dark moved slowly over us and deepened. We hid inside it, bright stars, our light collapsing.
She rested her head on my shoulder. I kissed her forehead, and did not move after that, or even stir as she slept on.
No words passed between us.
19
Alice
My eyes moved slowly. The lids were heavy and stuck together, and would not open far.
A voice said, ‘Alice? Alice, sweetheart, can you hear me?’
It was warm and familiar and filled with tender care, and I thought it must be my mother, though some dim awareness told me it couldn’t be. It couldn’t be.
The person soothed my face with water.
‘You’ve been very hurt, Alice, but you’re alright now. I’m here. I’m taking care of you. We’ll get you to hospital. It will all be alright. Everything is fine now. Everything’s fine.’
It was my face. Wrecked. Black, swollen eyes; grazed cheeks; thick lips; a chipped front tooth.
‘What happened to me?’ I whispered.
The voice that spoke was the one I’d heard earlier: Bo’s.
‘A young man did it. But don’t worry. Don’t worry. It will heal. It will heal, and you are beautiful still.’
I lay back against the pillows and closed my eyes again.
I had no idea what was going on.
My senses returned in flashes. The feelings came back first – anxiety, heartache, fear. It reminded me of those mornings in Brighton, when I used to wake with terrible hangovers and a pervading sense of shame, but only ever had the vaguest suspicion of what the shame was about. I’d have to spend hours then, piecing together exactly what had happened, what I’d done and what the consequences were going to be for everyone.
Now, I woke up and felt the ache of a broken heart, and was anxious and afraid of something indefinable. I turned my head and saw the beautiful woman beside me and knew that it was Bo and that I’d loved her and everything had turned terrible between us.
I reached out my arm and took Bo’s hand in mine. ‘Thank you for staying with me,’ I whispered.
Bo said, ‘What do you remember, Alice?’
I said, ‘I remember you.’
I did remember her. I remembered her as clearly as the sun. Bo. Beautiful, beautiful Bo.
Bo, who had come back to me, was caring for me with the tenderness of a mother, who was telling me over and over that she loved me.
Yes. I remembered her.
I closed my eyes. My mind drifted and sank.
Bo was still there when I woke again, gazing at me with tearful concern.
I said, ‘We fell out.’
Bo nodded. ‘Yes, we did, but it’s OK now. Everything is OK.’
But it wasn’t. When we’d fallen out, the world had rocked and everything on it died.
I said, ‘You can go home. You don’t have to stay.’
Bo said, ‘I want to stay. Dear, sweet Alice. You have been through so much.’
I thought, I have been through you.
20
Bo
A nurse came to change Alice’s dressings and clean her wounds. I watched her work with the quick, nimble fingers of a seamstress. A flourish of gauze, the smell of antiseptic, the sticking of plaster and it was done.
I said, ‘Will she be OK?’
‘She’s been quite lucky. The man who did this wasn’t strong. The CT scan showed up a couple of small fractures to the skull and cheeks, but nothing that will cause permanent damage.’
‘And her memory?’
‘It will come back.’
‘She says she remembers nothing.’
‘The police will help her. They have methods.’
The nurse turned her back and busied herself with her notes. I moved closer to the bedside and took Alice’s hand in mine again. I ran my fingers through her hair and stroked her face around the dressed wounds.
For once, I felt out of my depth. I didn’t know how this worked. I wasn’t a scientist or a doctor. All I knew was how to charm people. The doctors, the nurses, the police … they would see how good I was, how caring, how kind. I planned to stay here, planned to sit by Alice’s side every day until the doctors let her go home. I was going to talk to her, keep on telling her, over and over, about the young man I’d seen coming out of her flat. I would help her remember.
The nurse left.
Alice opened her eyes. ‘What happened?’ she asked.
I said, ‘Sweetheart, you were attacked. Yesterday morning. But you will be alright, my love. You will be alright.’
‘Who?’
Gently, I stroked Alice’s face. ‘We don’t know, not exactly, but I saw him. When the police come, I’ll give a description, and your memory will come back. It will come back, sweetheart, and you’ll describe him, too, and they’ll find him. They’ll find him.’
Alice said, ‘Where were you?’
I spoke with tender concern. ‘Are you ready to hear all this now? You’ve been through so much…’
‘I’m ready. I want to hear it.’
‘I came to visit you. Do you remember? You said you were leaving Grasmere and I wanted to convince you to stay. I love you so much, Alice. So much.’
Alice was silent.
I went on. ‘But you insisted. You said you were going to Brighton, and I could see your mind was made up and so I went. I went to the café opposite your flat because I wanted to be calm and unflustered when I got home to my girls. While I was sitting there, I saw a young man jogging down the road towards where you lived. He stopped and looked around, then checked a piece of paper he took out of his pocket. Then he ran up the steps to your front door very quickly. I thought perhaps he was your new boyfriend, and that was why you didn’t want to see me anymore.’
Alice smiled.
‘Shall I go on?’
‘Yes.’
‘I drank my coffee, and then after a while – ten minutes or so – the young man came running out again, looking very flustered and red-faced, and I noticed his clothes were torn, as though he’d been in a fight. I watched him scarper – that’s how I would describe his movements, he was certainly fleeing from something – and then I got up to leave, but something made me turn back. The young man had given me a very uncomfortable feeling, and I wanted to check that you were OK. Are you sure you’re ready for the rest of this, sweetheart? I don’t want to shock you.’
‘I’ve been shocked,’ Alice whispered. ‘I’m already shocked.’
‘So I went up to your flat and found the door wide open. I walked inside and that was when I saw you.’ I took a deep breath before continuing, and when I spoke, my voice was barely a whisper. ‘You were lying on the floor, and at first I thought you … At first I thought you were dead.’
‘Oh, Bo…’
‘I kneeled down on the floor beside you and took your pulse and saw that you were still alive, but injured. There was blood on your face. A lot of blood. So I called the ambulance. While we were waiting, I put you in the recovery position and sat with you and talked to you. Then, when the paramedics came, I travelled with you to the hospital so that you’d have a loving face beside you when you woke up.’
‘Thank you,’ Alice whispered, and t
ook my hand.
21
Alice
A doctor came to see me. She brought scan photos of my skull, my face, my neck.
She spoke breezily, ‘The good news is that the person who did this was not strong. You have a small fracture to your skull and some fractures to your cheeks, all of which will cause a lot of pain but heal without intervention. There’s some minor bleeding around the brain. All the rest is superficial. The bruising and swelling will disappear in a few weeks and you should, I think, make a full recovery, with little to no permanent scarring.’
‘Thank you.’
‘The police will be here later to talk to you and try and take a statement about what happened.’
‘I don’t know what happened.’
‘They will help you remember.’
Bo was still there when the police arrived, still holding my hand, still wiping my face, still caressing the skin around the plasters.
The male officer, who was new to me and not the one from before, said, ‘It’s important that we speak to Alice alone.’
Bo looked reluctant to leave. ‘Alice?’ she said ‘Is that alright?’
I nodded.
Bo said, ‘I won’t go far.’
The police officers looked kindly at her as she went. They sat down on chairs beside the bed.
The female officer spoke. ‘Now, Alice,’ she said. ‘I know this is difficult for you, but do you have any memories at all of what happened this morning? Anything at all that will help us. We want to find the person who did this to you.’
I said, ‘It was her. It was Bo Luxton.’
22
Bo
I left when the police arrived and thought it best not to go back. It had taken all my nerve to stay here today. I was wearing Alice’s trainers, which I’d found tied to her backpack while I was waiting for the ambulance. I’d kicked off my boots and hurriedly put them on. They were tight on my feet and uncomfortable, but I didn’t care. The boots had to go. I’d rummaged in Alice’s drawers for a carrier bag and wrapped them up in it, carrying it casually under my arm while the paramedics lifted her into the back of the ambulance. Later, I dumped them in a bin in the hospital car park.
Now, I stood outside my body and watched myself moving in panic. Slow down, I thought. Think.
But there wasn’t time. Alice’s injuries weren’t as bad as I’d thought. Alice was not dying. She’d never been dying. And her memory would come back – that young, razor-sharp memory…
God, if I had known she wasn’t dying, I never would have called the ambulance. I did it so the police would place me beyond suspicion. I hadn’t meant to lose it like that…
I wanted to get away, but where could I go now? The girls needed to be here in Grasmere, where their lives were, and they needed me here, too. I couldn’t just scoop them up, take them somewhere else and say, ‘Your mother lost her temper. We have to hide.’
Everything had to be as it ever had been. Carry on as normal, I told myself. It was the only way to stop the world from swaying.
I caught a taxi back to Grasmere. The driver dropped me in the centre of the village and I walked the rest of the way, up the fell to The Riddlepit. It was sharp and windy, the mountains and the lake purpled with evening. Two stars hung above me, one larger than the other, and they flickered in and out, light as insects.
I thought, I would like to catch one of these, if I can, but as I walked up the fell they disappeared, and I looked out at the empty sky and wept.
It was past nine by the time I got home.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ Gus demanded.
I sighed deeply and took off my coat. ‘Out,’ I said.
‘You can’t just go out for twelve hours and not tell me.’
‘I can. We’re separated.’
‘We haven’t discussed what we’re doing with the girls. You didn’t ask me if I had plans, if it was fine for you to just swan off and leave them with me.’
‘I didn’t swan off.’
‘You didn’t tell me.’
‘I went to hospital.’
He rolled his eyes. ‘Of course you did.’
‘I did, actually.’
‘Is it terminal?’
‘What?’
‘Whatever you went to hospital for.’
‘No.’
‘That’s convenient.’
‘A friend of mine was beaten up.’
‘Which friend?’
‘Alice.’
‘Oh, Jesus Christ, Bo. When will this ever stop?’
The rest of the evening passed quickly. I went upstairs and checked on the girls. They were worn out, sleeping in their bunk beds. I ran myself a bath. I let myself sink into it and closed my eyes. Images of the day drifted back to me: Alice in her flat, telling me she was leaving; that gentle snatching of power and rage. It was rage like nothing I’d ever known before.
I hadn’t meant for it to be like this. All I’d wanted was for Alice to come back to me, to love me like she’d done before. And she said no. She said no and my heart broke and I didn’t mean to, but I turned on her.
I had lost it. I’d done myself in.
I wanted to undo the day, go back to the beginning and start it again, and this time I wouldn’t go to Alice’s. I would stay at home, play Monopoly with the girls, read them books, make cakes, walk over the fell to the tarns. I’d live the whole day, peacefully, happily, moving slowly back to that life I’d had before, simple and normal and quiet. Then I thought, If I could really wind back time, I’d go back to that old life and change its direction and never even meet Alice at all. And then I got so absorbed in winding back my life to the time I wanted, the time I wanted to freeze, that I found myself in the wagon with my brother one night, that night before the first man came, and that was the time I settled on, that was the time I froze, because that was the night I died and my long, inside rot began.
23
Alice
The swelling went down quickly, but my head still ached and my memory was murky water. But now and then, when I was resting and least expected it, an image broke to the surface – Bo, arriving at my door, expensively dressed and elegant – but before I could reach down and grab it, the waters muddied again and the memory was gone.
But I knew it was Bo who’d done this. The day had come back to me, in botched fragments. I remembered that face close to mine, and the things she was hissing in my ear: ‘You will pay for what you’ve done to my family, Alice Dark. I am going to hurt you so hard you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it. I am going to wreck your pretty face and your clever head. You can forget university. When I’m finished with you, you’ll be in a home where people are paid to feed you through a straw and wipe your pert little arse.’
It was enough. I didn’t want to remember more than that.
I said, ‘Can I stop it coming back?’
The doctor shook her head. ‘I’m afraid not, Alice, but we can arrange some psychotherapy for you, with a therapist who deals in post-traumatic stress. He can help you manage the flashbacks.’
I shrugged. Maybe, I thought.
The police brought my bag from where it had been in my flat, packed and ready to go.
I said, ‘My trainers have gone.’
‘We’ll find them,’ the officer said.
‘It doesn’t matter.’
He said, ‘We’ve got enough evidence. We’re going to arrest Bo Luxton today.’
‘OK.’
‘I’ll let you know what happens. When are you going home?’
‘The doctors said it will be this week. Maybe tomorrow.’
‘Do you have someone you can stay with?’
I said, ‘I’m going to Brighton, to sleep on my ex-boyfriend’s floor until I find a place of my own.’
The police officer smiled wanly. ‘Are you sure you’re up to that?’
‘It’s not for long.’
He nodded, then said goodbye and left. I took my laptop out of the bag, sat on the bed
and fired it up. I opened the document: Exquisite. For days now, I’d been trying to plan it out, so I knew what I was working towards, but I’d had no sense of an ending. Where was this going? Until now, I’d had no idea. But Bo had handed it to me, in her fist full of pure, white pearls.
24
Bo
Saturday morning. I was whipping up pancake batter for the girls’ breakfast when the knock on the door finally came. I’d been expecting it. I smiled at Lola and Maggie, who were waiting for me to toss the first pancake into the air and catch it. The sight of it always left them awestruck and laughing. They were so easily entertained.
I dusted down my apron with my hands. ‘Wait a moment,’ I said. ‘It’s probably the postman with a parcel.’
Gus was still in bed. I opened the door to the two police officers I knew I’d see there.
I looked at them quizzically. ‘Hello,’ I said kindly. ‘How can I help you?’
‘Are you Mrs Bo Luxton?’
Ms, I thought, but now probably wasn’t the time to correct them. ‘Yes, that’s me.’
One of the officers showed me his badge. ‘We are arresting you on suspicion of causing bodily harm to Alice Dark. You do not need to say anything…’
I said nothing. Even now – even though I knew this was going to happen; had known for two days that it was inevitable – it came as a shock.
‘Do you need to inform anyone?’
‘My daughters,’ I said, and returned briefly to the kitchen. ‘I’m just popping out for a moment, girls,’ I said. ‘Go and jump on Daddy to wake him up, and he’ll come down and finish making your breakfast.’
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