Love,
Ben
My heart stuttered as I looked at the signature. Love, Ben. I knew it was a throw-away signature and it didn’t mean anything, but it still filled me with warmth. I picked up the three pictures again, my fingers gingerly tracing over James’ face in two of them and then holding Ben’s picture carefully. He looked like the kind of man who could walk into a party and women would flock to him. Sighing, I wondered if that was what he was used to.
Standing, I went to the storage closet in the hall and dug around in some boxes. Finding what I was looking for, I took out the three picture frames I had bought on sale months ago and placed the pictures in each. Moving back to my mantle, I set the group picture there and then, moving to my bedroom, I placed the poker game picture of James and Ben as well as the single picture of Ben on my nightstand. Perfect. They will be the last thing I look at when I go to bed and the first thing I look at when I wake up. I knew it was dangerous, but my heart was beginning to be more involved with Ben than my head thought was a good idea.
The next morning, I rose early and drove to Walmart armed with the list from my dad on what soldiers in the field need. I started with the toiletries, going to the travel-size section. I piled in the shampoos, body wash, razors, shaving creams, lotion, sunscreen, hand sanitizer, antiseptic cream, Band-aids, tissues, foot powder, and feminine products. I need to ask him if there are women mechanics in his squad. This thought actually sent a jolt through me…I wonder if he’s involved with someone? Heaving a sigh, I continued shopping, pushing that thought out of my mind. I’ll just have to ask him next time.
Moving to the clothing section, I loaded my cart with cotton socks and underwear. Oh Jesus, what if he thinks I’m crazy sending underwear? Once more shaking that idea from my mind, I focused on the task at hand, refusing to overthink the process.
Next, I moved to the food section and grabbed protein bars, candy, gum, and packets of nuts. Then I added cocoa and fruit-flavored drink mixes. My list included things that the service members can use to make their food more palatable, so I added some flavor spice packets, a few jars of barbecue sauce, mustard, and ketchup.
By now, my large cart was filled to the brim and I eyed it dubiously. How will I ever mail all this? Refusing to allow doubts about my endeavors to creep in, I marched toward the register and closed my eyes as the total was rung up. As the cashier called out the amount, I was pleasantly surprised. Breathing a sigh of relief, I slid my credit card and proceeded to load the bags back into the cart.
Once home, I rounded up several boxes, knowing not everything could go in a single container. Tiger was excited about the activity, deciding to help. Jumping in one box and then another, she finally settled on the floor and batted the small toiletry bottles around the room.
Laughing, I snagged them away from her and placed the toiletries in plastic bags so if there was leakage, it would not get all over the whole box. I had my iPod in the speakers, listening to country music as I worked. My heart lighter as I carefully packed the rest of the items. By the time I was finished, I had four boxes to mail. Smiling as I adhered a mailing label to each one, I stood back and admired my work.
Feeling an ease I had not felt in a long time, I heated a cup of tea. As it steeped, I walked into my bedroom and grabbed the framed picture of Ben from my nightstand and carried it back with me. Setting it on the kitchen table next to my tea, I sat down to write. Peering at his smiling face as I wrote, I felt closer to him.
Chapter 7
(September – Ben)
It’s party time. Roger’s tour is up and tonight is his last night, so we’ve decided to live it up. And the timing could not be more perfect.
Yesterday, I got four boxes from Alicia and the squad was thrilled. With four boxes, I had to get help carrying them back to our tent and, even though my name was on the outside, the guys jumped into the parcels. And one of them pulled out a note saying, Ben, I hope you enjoy all the goodies. Be sure to share! Alicia
Much to my surprise, they were cool about her sending packages to me. Breathing a sigh of relief, I dug into the boxes, pulling out the booty. Jesus, did she buy all of this herself? We pulled out bags of toiletries, cracked a few jokes about the feminine products, but knew we had fellow female soldiers that would be thrilled with them. The socks and underwear were a bonus as well. We used one of the boxes as a future storage kit and filled it with the medicines and Band-aids.
But for our impromptu party, the food items were a hit. She has no idea how perfect this is! We didn’t have alcohol on our base but it was not missed with the flavor packets we added to bottles of water. We confiscated a corner of the DFAC and with the extra condiments and spices, we had a feast.
Taking the chicken that was served and added taco seasoning, we made the flavor go from mild to wild. Roger, drinking a grape drink, laughed, “I haven’t had Kool-Aid since I was a kid! This stuff is great!” The meal was topped off with some of Alicia’s chocolate chip cookies. I grinned as I looked around at the group and for the first time the pang of not having James in the middle of us was lessened. Thanks to his sister.
The next morning, we said goodbye to Roger, each of us thinking of when it would be our turn. Most of us came on tour to Afghanistan together but a few of the mechanics transferred in at different times. I looked toward Jacob and held up four fingers indicating four more months. He nodded and grinned. We actually had already filled out the paperwork for the Transition Assistance Program and were counting down the days. Lately, I had to admit, I wondered if there would be the chance for me to meet Alicia when I got back stateside. Who am I kidding? I’d like a lot more than just an opportunity to meet!
Sighing heavily, I turned to walk back to the garage when Jacob jogged up beside me. Slapping me on the back, he said, “Okay, spill.”
Looking sideways in surprise, I reared back. “Spill? Spill what?”
“About you and James’ sister.”
Throwing my hands up, I started to protest, but looking into his face knowing he had grieved for James as well, I finally just said, “We’re…pen pals.”
Jacob’s eyebrows lifted as he barked out a laugh. “Come on, man. This is me you’re talking to. I can tell there’s a lot more going on than just being pen pals.”
We made it to the garage in silence and I had the feeling he was allowing me the silence to gather my thoughts. Settling in to work on one of the trucks I was assigned to, my mind was on the beautiful brunette sending the care packages. Jacob didn’t pressure me, but I had to admit part of me wanted to talk to someone about what was going on…or what I wish was going on.
Standing up, wiping the grease from my hands, I looked over at him and said, “I guess the easiest thing to say is that after James died, I wrote her a condolence letter. James had always read her letters to us and I just wanted her to know how much we were going to miss him, but I also wanted to make sure she knew how much she meant to him.”
Jacob nodded slowly, his lips curved slightly. “I never thought of doing that, man. That was a really nice thing to do for her.”
Shrugging, I added, “You know I never had much family to talk about and sure as shit don’t now…so I guess I was always envious of the relationship he had with his sister. I thought it was really cool and I figured she was grieving and maybe needed to hear that we were too.”
He was silent for a moment, his face thoughtful before lifting his gaze back to me. “And then?”
“She wrote back and thanked me. Said it was nice to talk to someone who knew James here. She asked if I would share a few stories about him. So we began to write back and forth. We’ve emailed occasionally but since she usually sends a box, we generally send letters.”
I turned my attention back to the engine and continued to work on the truck. Jacob had gotten quiet so I figured the topic was closed. He surprised me when he asked, “What about now? I get the feeling it’s a lot more. And you’re going home in four months.”
I cut
my eyes over to him and said, “Seriously? She’s an ER nurse with doctors wanting to date her. What the hell does this grease monkey have to offer someone like her?”
His face registered shock as his mouth fell open. “If you really believe that then you’re a total dumbass! Jesus, Ben…her twin brother was a mechanic. Same as you. You already know she was proud of him. Do you really think she cares if you’re one also?”
I hadn’t thought about that and felt the heat rise on my face as he continued.
“Sounds to me like you two have some kind of bond that you share. Whether it stemmed from James’ death or not, by now it’s real. And you’d be an idiot to pass up the opportunity to see if it goes beyond being a pen pal!”
Facing Jacob again, I hesitated giving voice to another one of my fears. Seeing him waiting, his impatience growing, I blurted, “What would James think about it?”
His frown eased into sympathy as he slowly shook his head and said, “Man, James was your best friend. I mean, he and I were good friends, but you two had one of those great friendships that, if he had lived, would have lasted forever.” Chuckling, he added, “The two of you were getting out at the same time and you know he would have had you go home with him. You’d have met his sister at some point because he would have had you over to his house all the time.”
I stared at him, having never thought of that either, but he wasn’t finished.
“James loved his sister, probably more than anything or anybody. And he cared for you. I have a feeling he would haved loved for you two to hook up. Hell, he might have even tried to arrange it.”
The tight band around my heart loosened as I listened to Jacob talk about James and Alicia. Letting out a deep sigh, I grinned. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Fuck yeah, I’m right!” he exclaimed, moving over to the next truck in line.
I went back to work on the motor, my tangled thoughts slowly unraveling. Memories of conversations with James, that I had buried along with him, slid back to the forefront of my mind. James used to tell me his sister needed someone like me. Or talk about how he and I could get out of the Army and open a mechanics shop together. He would talk about having me come over to his mom’s house for Sunday dinners.
My heart lighter, I continued to work as I mentally counted down the days until I could meet Alicia.
“Just a letter today…guess that seems measly, doesn’t it?” the post officer Private called out. In her hand was an envelope with Alicia’s distinctive handwriting.
Grinning, I shook my head. “Nope, this is like hitting the jackpot every time,” I confessed.
“It must be love,” she joked, startling me as I accepted the letter from her.
Walking outside, the sun still baking the base, I decided to go back to the bunks, which were typically empty this time of day. I plopped down on my bed and leaned back against the headboard. Opening the letter, I unfolded the pages and my finger landed on a picture.
My breath caught in my throat as I flipped it over and viewed Alicia’s face. I remembered seeing her picture with James a long time ago, but my memory was nothing compared to what I was staring at now. Long, dark brown hair hung below her shoulders, gentle waves framing her face. Her chocolate eyes twinkled as her rosy lips curved in a wide, slightly crooked smile. Damn, James had the exact same smile!
My heart pounded as I traced her face. Propping it on my chest, I began to read.
Dear Ben,
I hope you got the boxes of goodies I sent. I had such a good time shopping for you (and the squad). I didn’t know if there were any female mechanics (I guess you know by now, I sent some “girl things”). You can just give them to anyone who can use them.
You and James had a shared love of fixing cars – we had an uncle that always tinkered with old cars and James used to spend hours with him from the time he could stand on a step-stool and peek under a hood! I think you would have an easy time getting a job back here as a mechanic.
You asked about nursing – I’ve always wanted to be a nurse, since I was little. I always pretended that my dolls got sick or hurt and I would make them better. In nursing school, I decided that I like the fast pace of the ER, but after a couple of years, I confess to burning out a little bit. I might look for another nursing job sometime, but for now the money is good.
Thank you for sharing about your family in your last letter. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. But James always spoke so highly of you, and now that I’ve gotten to know you, I can certainly tell you that your mom would be proud of you.
I realized that I don’t know where you are from. What state did you grow up in? Will you go back there when you get out of the Army? I’ve lived in the Virginia Beach area my whole life. Mom and dad still have the house that James and I were raised in.
Speaking of mom, she belonged to the Blue Star Mothers, a service group of moms of servicemen and women. Now she also has joined the American Gold Star Mothers, a group for moms who have lost a child in service. It’s been good for her and she’s started doing projects with them. Mom and dad helped me with the things that I sent to you.
I’d really like for you to meet my parents when you get out. To be honest, I’d really love to meet you in person as well. Any chance you could come to Virginia when you leave Afghanistan?
I’ve never asked if you have a girlfriend. You know all about my disastrous love life – or lack thereof, but I know nothing about yours. To be honest, I’ve given up on dating for now.
I hope you like the picture. I always think I look weird in photographs (James and I shared a “wonky” smile – mom said it was because we were so squished inside of her, but our grandmother had the same smile!) Anyway, this picture was one where I thought I looked okay.
I have now reached the point where I can think or talk about James and not tear up. I know that grief is a journey and I have to follow my own path, but I never knew how hard it would be. But you have helped me so much – you have no idea how often I think of you and instantly I’m lifted from my sad thoughts. You truly are a very special person, Ben, and I count myself lucky to know you.
Well, it looks like my letters are getting longer, so I’ll close for now. Please think about coming to Virginia when you get out. I truly would love to see you in person.
Love,
Alicia
I picked up her picture and stared at it again, memorizing each feature, now that her words were in my head—and if I was honest, her words were implanted in my heart.
This was her longest letter and as my gaze roamed over it again, I knew we shared something special. I rested my head against my pillow and closed my eyes for a moment. I’d never known anyone like her…so completely giving. A small smile slid onto my face as I realized that she was actually the second person who gave so much of themselves…James was the first.
I re-read the last couple of paragraphs again and my smile widened. She thinks I’m special. She wants to meet me. And right then, I vowed my first stop in the states would be Virginia.
Chapter 8
(October – Alicia)
Do I want to stay in the ER? This thought rattled around my brain for weeks. I’d never spent a lot of time thinking about it but ever since Ben asked if this was where I wanted to stay, I couldn’t get the question out of my mind.
The duties of an ER nurse that I loved when I first graduated from nursing school, were now things that I didn’t like. The pace gave me no time to actually get to know a patient. The long shifts gave me little time for anything else. The staff was professional and dedicated, but I no longer loved my job. Sighing, I set my now-empty tea mug into the sink as I began my day off. Looking around, I decided my house was desperate for a cleaning, plus the mindless task gave me plenty of time to think. Throwing myself into the picking up, dusting, vacuuming, and scrubbing the bathrooms and kitchen, I contemplated the pros and cons of the ER.
Two hours later, my home was clean but I
was no closer to deciding on my career path. Sighing as I put away my supplies, I looked at the time. Mom was having a Blue Star Mother meeting and I’d promised to have lunch with her afterward. Jumping into the shower, I quickly got ready.
Later, sitting in the little restaurant with mom, I looked over at her and smiled. Her face was more relaxed…her eyes a little brighter.
“You look good, mom,” I murmured, reaching out to touch her hand.
A sad smile crossed her lips and she squeezed my fingers. “I’m trying, baby girl. Each day…a step at a time.”
“Tell me what your group is working on,” I prompted.
“Right now, we’re in the process of getting a work crew together to do holiday boxes that we’ll be sending from mid-November through the end of December. We have almost one hundred volunteers so far and we’re already accepting donations.”
“What can I do to help?”
“Oh, Alicia, you’re already doing so much for James’ old squad,” she protested.
Shrugging, I said, “I can always do more. I can make sure to ask for a day off when you all are packing the boxes.”
Her warm smile beamed on me as she nodded. “That’d be wonderful, honey. We’ll have our packing day in about a month and the Hampton Veterans Medical Center is providing a large room for us to use that day.”
I tilted my head to the side as I thought of what she just said. “Hampton Veterans Medical Center? Why haven’t I heard of that?”
“From what I understand it’s a full-service hospital serving the veterans.” Mom scrunched her forehead as she added, “I think they have a couple of outpatient locations as well. In fact, I’m pretty sure one of them is in Virginia Beach and another in Chesapeake.”
Bond of Love (Letters From Home Series Book 3) Page 5