by C. J. Duggan
Adam really did know all the right things to say. I could have fought it, been adamant in not troubling him, that I would wait for the late night bus, but there was no part of my being that wanted to say no, to not spend another moment with him, or another car ride.
“I’d really like that.”
Adam laughed. “Who are you and what have you done with the real Ellie?”
“This is Ellie version 2.O,” I smirked.
“Does this Ellie have better taste in music?”
I placed my hands on my hips. “What?”
“I will take you home under one condition.”
I rose my brows in question.
“No Starship songs.”
“Oh, come on.”
“Meet me at the Onslow when you’re ready.”
“Adam, you cannot be serious, they’re a classic.”
“No,” he said, backing out toward the front door.
“I will have my way on this.”
Adam paused halfway out the door, looking back at me with a big goofy smile. “You always do.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
It was the strangest feeling, to be relieved and yet still have so much uncertainty swirling inside. My bare feet rested on the dashboard of Adam’s canary yellow Ford Fairlane, a car that had been Chris’s before him and was certainly not the most subtle vehicle in Onslow. I peered up at the great imposing hotel, waiting for Adam to appear with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. One of the conditions about him giving me a lift back to the city was that he crashed the night, and head back in the morning. He seemed happy enough, having arranged a few things before he left. I didn’t actually expect him to agree, and then it had me wondering if I had put that pile of dirty laundry in the basket before I left, and oh God, had I taken my bra off the bedroom door handle? I bit my bottom lip, anxious with the exact state I had left my flat during the mad rush to get ready to leave for Onslow. Another element adding to my unease was this would be the first time Adam was entering my world, a foreign place for both of us. At least in Onslow everything was familiar, we just existed in it, even on our road trip there was still a huge sense of familiarity between us amongst friends. I was sure we would fall into that same comfortable rhythm as soon as we got going, it was just the build-up waiting in between with my crazy thoughts. I looked out the windscreen, willing him to hurry up.
“Worse than a bloody woman,” I mumbled.
I decided to try and be positive: Adam was taking me home, staying the night. It would be my chance to make it up to him, cook tea for him, try and delve into what he didn’t want me to know—something deeper than his connection to Megsy, had to be. The very thought of her made me even more grateful that at least she would be nowhere in sight and most certainly not in my fucking bed. Oh crap, it occurred to me that there really wasn’t anywhere for Adam to crash. My tiny little one-bedroom flat: a couch, sure, but would it be weird for him to sleep on it? It was one thing to crash in Adam’s childhood bed, a place of familiarity, or sleep in a tent together, but this, this was somehow different. My thoughts were interrupted by the back door opening, causing me to flinch as Adam chucked in his bag. I had been so deep in thought I didn’t even see him come out of the hotel.
Adam slid behind the wheel, closing the door and then looking at me expectantly as he took a tape out of his top pocket, holding it up like it was something to behold.
“‘We Built This City’?” I said hopefully.
“No,” Adam said rather adamantly.
I pouted as he started up the car, placing the tape into the player, adjusting the volume and looking at me expectantly as Tom Petty’s ‘Learning to Fly’ started blaring out of the speakers. I started laughing, transporting me instantly to the road trip to Point Shank where Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers had basically serenaded us most of the way. It was the one tape that we could actually agree on. I was suddenly flooded with nostalgia and once again found myself staring at Adam in a new way because I felt like the luckiest girl alive right now.
“Did you say goodbye to Tess? Did you want to swing around to her place before we go?”
I could feel my good mood slip. “Ah, no, that’s okay, they’re probably busy going through all their engagement stuff.”
“Ah, yes, counting all their money, no doubt,” Adam mused.
“Thanks for putting my name on your card, by the way.”
Adam frowned. “How did you …”
“Amy told me!” I said quickly, placing the blame.
Adam laughed, pulling the steering column into gear and flicking his sunnies down over his eyes.
“Now why doesn’t that surprise me?”
***
I thought having Adam in my world in the city would be no big deal, but with this unknown secret that he was keeping from me there was this underlying tension between us. I had thought maybe a two-hour car ride might be the perfect opportunity for him to broach the subject again. His grim exterior from last night worried me, and the fact he seemed to be avoiding the ‘talk’ worried me even more. Old Ellie would press him for the answer: So what were you going to tell me last night? But I couldn’t even broach the subject; a greater part of me didn’t want to know, all I knew was as we put distance between us and Onslow Adam seemed to visibly relax. The more relaxed and cheerful he was the more awkward I became. We both reached for the volume at the same time, our hands brushing like awkward teenagers on a first date. I retracted my hand as if I had been electrocuted.
“Sorry.” I blushed, actually turned red over something so ludicrous. Adam thought as much too; just by hearing an apology from me in the first place had him glancing at me in question.
“You all right?”
“Yeah, of course,” I lied.
What could possibly be wrong?
Chapter Twenty-Three
I wanted Adam to make himself at home.
There was an immense sense of pride I had over my humble little abode. For the first time I actually felt grown up, that now if I had friends over it wasn’t merely to lead them past my parents and into my room where the walls were so paper thin I couldn’t have my music up too loud and we would have to keep our laughter down. Nope, none of that. I led Adam down the garden path, both hands free thanks to Adam grabbing my bag for me. I could feel a slight tremor in my hands as I worked on shuffling through the keys to find the right one to unlock the security door, ever aware that Adam was standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, making me even more clumsy.
God, get a grip, Ellie.
Finally mastering the lock, I pulled open the security door and unlocked the thick Brunswick Green front door with ease.
“Welcome to Chateau Parker,” I announced, plunging on the hall switch to light up the narrow dingy space. I chucked my keys on the table near the door. My next instinct was to take off my shoes, and bra, but thought better of the latter.
“Make yourself at home,” I said, casually pulling my hair out of my high ponytail and gloriously massaging my scalp. I turned to see Adam looking at me, watching me with an air of amusement in the doorway.
“So are you going to give me the grand tour?”
“I don’t know, can you spare a minute and a half of your life?”
Adam smiled. “For you, I’ll give you three.”
I laughed, taking my bag from him. “Follow me.” I led him down the narrow hall, pausing to put on another light to unveil the lounge area, the biggest part of the flat. There wasn’t much natural light that made its way through to the living areas, so despite the navy lounge the rest of the space was accented with bright, cheery colours highlighted in the cushions and artwork.
Adam took in the scene. “I feel like I’m standing in an Ikea catalogue.”
“They’re my greatest sponsors,” I said with pride. “Through there is the tiniest kitchen in the world. And if you head this way you can see the tiniest bathroom in the world, that strangely enough has the biggest shower in the world, if that make sense.�
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By the time we reached my room my arm was ready to fall off. Dumping my bag inside the doorway, Adam followed suit without even asking where to put his stuff. Despite this all being unfamiliar to him he seemed very comfortable in my tiny flat. He pushed past me, throwing himself onto my new queen bed. My bed that was littered with tossed clothes from my manic packing episode. My bedroom was worse than my childhood bedroom and despite all the mess, I really did have a lovely new bed.
Adam linked his hands behind his head, smiling smugly. “I love what you’ve done with the place.”
“Oh, shut up,” I snapped, picking up clothes and dumping them on my chair in an attempt to commit to neatness. “I wasn’t exactly expecting company.”
“Ellie.”
I dumped the last of the pile, blowing out a breath to part my fringe. “What?” I said, placing my hands on my hips, feeling all frazzled.
Adam’s face was alight, his dark eyes sparkling. “It’s me.” He pulled himself up, shifting forward to sit on the edge of the bed. “You don’t have to impress me.”
But I wanted to.
It was important that Adam saw me in a different light than Ellie from Onslow, the one he had known all his life, the one whose secrets he knew; well, almost all of them, as my eyes shifted to the bedside table to where my 1999 diary sat.
Oh God.
Adam followed my eyeline to where my diary sat. “What’s this?” He cocked his brow, leaning over and grabbing the book.
“Adam, no!” I leapt to grab the diary but he was too fast; he had snatched it from my bedside and was standing, holding it up out of my reach as I desperately tried to scramble to grab it, Adam moving from side to side. Torturing me like only he knew how.
“Anything juicy inside?”
“Adam, come on, this isn’t funny.” My pleas were desperate, frantic. The last thing I needed him to do was flip open to where the ribbon divided the very page I couldn’t let him see. Even at a fleeting glimpse you wouldn’t have to have 20/20 vision to see the big bold letters of ‘TELL ADAM HENDERSON I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM.’
“So there is something good in here?”
“Adam, please, give it back.”
I was beside myself when Adam went to bring the diary down, to possibly open it, so I did the only thing I could do. I sucker punched him in the ribs, winding him so bad he let go of the diary and fell back onto the bed, grabbing his side and wincing in pain.
“Bloody hell, Ellie, why’d you do that?”
I grabbed the diary, clutching it to my chest like a shield, cringing at Adam who was coiled on my mattress trying to gain his breath.
“I’m sorry but …”
“Christ, there must be something really good in there,” he gritted, steadying himself.
Maybe it was the adrenalin coursing through my body, but it had been far too close a call. I was relieved, but I was angry.
“So what? I have to tell you everything and you tell me nothing?” I accused, the words falling from my mouth minus my edit button.
Adam paused, looking at me, really looking at me as if he was taken aback by my outburst.
I clenched the diary so hard the edges dug into my palms. I don’t know what gave me the courage; maybe the diary really was acting like a shield. I stepped forward, looking down at Adam; I felt breathless, my heart racing at a million miles an hour.
“What is it, Adam? What is it that you can tell everyone else but me?”
Did he have a girlfriend? Was it Megsy? Was he re-enlisting in the army? Leaving Onslow for good? What the hell was it?
“Adam.” I said his name like a plea. I didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t tell me, couldn’t trust me enough to confide in me whatever it was he wanted to say. The future of our friendship rested so much on his response.
Adam lifted his eyes to mine; they were cast in a serious shadow that made my blood run cold. Something was wrong; I could sense it in the way he swallowed and broke his eyes away from mine, motioning his head to the space next to him.
“You better sit.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
We sat there. On the edge of my bed, in a long, drawn-out silence. I watched Adam’s profile intently, afraid to move, speak in any way that might divert him in coming out with what troubled him. His elbows rested on his thighs; he was absentmindedly fidgeting with his watchband as he stared down at the carpet.
“My mum’s sick, Ellie.”
“W-what?” I breathed, choked by the unexpectedness of his words, staring at him intently.
This couldn’t be it, surely not. I bit my lip, waiting for him to elaborate.
“She’s sick, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” His voice was low, pained; I could feel my heart ache for him. I didn’t know what to say. Unlike any situation we had faced in serious times there was no joke to lighten the mood, no words that I could possibly say to take away the anguish. His face was like thunder, and I know he was trying so hard to keep it together, doing it for me, and because of that, despite the tears that threatened to build, I tried everything in my power to keep them at bay.
Be strong, Ellie, just listen.
My hand slid over his shoulder blade, urging him to go on if he wanted, but more silence fell.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to tell myself; somehow saying it out loud made it real.”
“How long have you known?”
“Just before you moved away.”
This is why he didn’t come to my farewell party.
Oh God; my mind flashed back to all the abusive text messages I had sent him, then only when he responded did I give him the silent treatment. I shut my eyes, reeling in the horror of how much of a bitch I had been to him, Tess’s words echoing in my mind that I shouldn’t be so harsh on him, that I really needed to speak to him.
I could feel the tears well in my eyes. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, but I knew he didn’t want pity of any kind. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, and I wasn’t sure what to give. I moved off the bed onto the floor; kneeling to face him I wrapped my arms around him, giving him the physical strength that my words couldn’t provide.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want to hold you back.”
I hugged him tighter, squeezing my eyes shut, causing the tears to spill down my cheeks. So much for keeping it together.
I pulled back, gripping his shoulders to look into his face. “Don’t ever keep things from me. You are not alone, Adam, not ever.”
I could feel my heart splintering at the thought that he had been keeping this, carrying it around. I rested my arms across his legs, just like he had with me that day when he found me crying in the girls’ toilets at school, except this time with roles reversed. Adam coolly, calmly told me about his mum: the x-rays, the shadow, the treatment, the fear, the uncertainty. How it was to try to keep it together in front of his mum to make it easier for her. How he and Chris had been at each other’s throats because they weren’t dealing with it, but never talked about what was going on. Adam and Chris took it in turns to take her to treatment, because their dad needed to keep working: that was his way of dealing. It horrified me to learn that Adam had been driving past my doorstep for weeks taking his mum to appointments.
“Had I known you could have come here and …”
Adam squeezed my hand. “It’s okay, Ellie.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not, I should have been there, you should have been able to count on me, to tell me what was going on. I can’t even imagine how you have been coping with all this.”
“Megsy’s been a real help.”
I tried not to let that hurt me, now was not the time to get jealous over Megsy, but Adam must have read it all over my face.
“Her mum went through the exact same thing a few years ago.”
“Oh,” I said lowly; it was all I could manage and luckily Adam filled the silence.
“Her mum knows al
l these natural remedies for nausea and Mum says they really help, so …” He broke away, as if his thoughts had been snared by something else.
I smiled, trying to reassure him. “Well, I will be eternally grateful to Megsy for looking out for you,” I said, and I meant it. I had taken more comfort than I could realise that at least Tess and Megsy could be there when I wasn’t. I held back more tears, feeling like an utter failure, cursing my timing that now of all times when Adam needed me the most, I wasn’t there.
Adam reached out, catching a tear with his thumb, sliding the dampness across my cheek, preventing the fall.
“She’s not you though,” he said, looking down at me, his eyes lost in mine, and I knew in that instant that nothing could come between us, that what we had had all of our lives was a fortress, one that could battle the wildest storm fronts that life had to offer. That together we could face anything.
I grabbed his hand from my face, linking it with mine in my lap, and smiled. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
***
Okay, tonight was about Adam. I might not be able to solve his problems in any way, but tonight, even if just this night, I could help him in some small way. I may have been absent the last couple of months but now I was here, and I was going to morph into the Ellie of old, friend Ellie, because that is what he needed more than anything.
“All right,” I announced, unclipping all the menus from my fridge. “We have Italian, Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Greek: take a pick.”
I slid the colourful selection over to Adam, who was sipping on a can of Pepsi Max he helped himself to from my fridge. “Cook much, huh?” A little smirk formed in the corner of his mouth and all I wanted to do was kiss that smart mouth.
NO, Ellie, focus.
“Says the boy who lives on counter meals.”
“Good point. Thai?”
“Thai, it is!”
***
After dinner Adam wanted to experience the largest shower in the southern hemisphere, which had me on movie duty. I wanted Adam to relax, to somehow unwind and entrust that I could be there for him, even if only for a moment’s distraction from a painful reality. I knew he wouldn’t forget but maybe just for a little while he could become lost in something else. I dragged a heap of pillows out of my room, chucking them all around the floor at the base of the couch, knowing that our usual position would be on the floor, back resting against the couch with a throw rug over our knees, some popcorn and chocolate Maltesers within reaching distance on the coffee table. The lounge room was plunged into darkness save for the light of the TV, and the delicate hall light that flooded through. I lit a few tea candles dotted around on my TV cabinet for ambience, because candles were relaxing, right? Of course they were. I assumed the position, remote controls at the ready, with Adam’s favourite The Blues Brothers loaded and ready to go. It felt like he was taking forever and I was becoming more fidgety with every minute that passed. I took in a deep breath.