I took a deep breath and continued: ‘Well, because he didn’t cuddle me back, I figured I’d made a huge mistake, so I woke up in the morning and apologised for getting into his bed.’ I cringed, my face turning crimson. ‘I did the whole “I’d been drinking, I was sleepwalking” spiel – you know . . .’ I poked at my wine glass before raising it to my mouth and taking a colossal gulp to numb the pain.
‘And did you mention, you know, the cuddle?’, said Tess, leaning back in her seat and wincing at the humiliation of it all.
Even Lydia was baring her row of perfectly straight white teeth in sympathy, like she was watching some kind of circus stunt gone wrong.
‘No. I figured if I pretended it hadn’t happened, he would just put it down to me doing it in my sleep, or being drunk, or both,’ I retorted defensively. ‘At least I know where I stand now.’
There was more silence.
‘I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?’ I asked.
Penny leaned forward and squeezed my hand. ‘Don’t be silly. What about the time I cheated on my ex with his brother without realising they were related? Now that’s fucking up,’ she sniggered, clearly quite proud of her naughty accomplishment.
‘They were identical twins, for God’s sake!’ shrieked Tess, elbowing her hard in the arm. The whole table erupted into laughter. ‘And that has nothing to do with this situation. Sienna’s a good girl!’ she continued, pretending to scold Penny. I love my friends.
‘But it gets worse . . .’ I started once more.
The timer on the oven beeped loudly in the background as if trying to put an end to this tale before it could possibly get any worse. We all ignored it.
‘He started getting dressed as soon as we woke up. He was digging around on the floor for a top, and on the way up he bashed his head on an open cupboard door. Really, really hard. Then . . . he locked himself in the bathroom,’ I finished, raising my hands to my mouth in a bid to hide behind them.
They all gaped at me again.
‘You really are a pair of idiots, aren’t you?’ said Penny, starting to laugh now.
Eventually her giggles became so strong that they were infectious. It was obvious she was trying to stop, her black-painted nails clawing at her face. I loved watching her laugh like that, even if it was at my expense.
Lydia caught it next, flapping her arms around apologetically. Then it was Tess who cackled loudly and melted into a heap. Elouise was the last to go, but she went all right, and with a snort followed by a look of shock that she was capable of making such a noise.
‘Girls!’ I shrieked. ‘Come on! This is terrible, right?’ I pleaded for some seriousness, but it was in vain.
My eyes were full of tears, partly because I had put myself out there with a man who clearly didn’t feel the same, and partly because the whole thing was so farcical it was becoming hilarious. Still, it did hurt a bit that the girls were laughing.
The thing is, Nick’s such a nice bloke that he’ll go on pretending that he was asleep, which I know he wasn’t. And I’m such a coward that I’ll pretend to believe this lie, and we’ll all live happily ever after.
When the laughter had died down and I had received an apologetic smile from each of my girlfriends, we got back to the serious stuff. It was Penny who had the bravery to utter this short but brutally honest sentence:
‘Isn’t it time you, well . . . gave up?’
There it was. She had thrown it into the centre of the table amid the elegant wine glasses and scrunched-up napkins. She had skipped the ‘maybe he’s intimidated by you’, ‘maybe he likes you so much he’s scared’ rubbish, and gone straight for the home run. El widened her eyes, looking at her as if to shriek ‘You can’t say that!’ and slapping her across the leg.
They waited for my reaction, which could have been one of several:
1) To take great offence, storm out of the dinner party and ignore my friends for the next six months.
2) To take great offence but stay at the dinner party and start calling Nick again in a desperate bid to defy this cutting advice.
3) Start crying.
What I actually did was draw a deep breath, smile, and simply say, ‘Yes.’
Because yes, it was time to give up. This had been a long-term, painful debacle. One big ‘gaffe’, as the papers would call it. A fuck-up. A two-Jags, blow-job-in-the-White-House, mislaid-expenses-receipt, whoops-I-just-set-my-own-house-on-fire, sodding disaster.
Nick was a man. A good one, but still a man. And men were highly sexual creatures. All of my male friends reinforced the notion that thinking about sex or sex-related topics was up there in the top five things they did each day, somewhere below breathing but just above eating. It really was that big a deal. I knew this was a massive generalisation, but if a man liked a woman, he did not pretend to be asleep when she put her arm round him in bed.
No, he didn’t. He pounced on her like she was the last bagel in New York. Or at the very least he panicked, gave her a little kiss and pounced the next time, once he’d got over his own insecurities. So, Sienna Walker, it was time to get real.
‘Yes?’ said Elouise, leaning towards me and narrowing her lovely eyes. ‘So you’re just going to give up on the man you love?’
Ah, the man you love stuff . . . The go-get-em, fight for your fella, stake your claim cliché.
‘Yes, actually, I am.’
Because my level of preoccupation with Nick was now verging on either ‘mug’ or ‘stalker’ (depending on how you looked at it), and that didn’t make me feel particularly confident or attractive. Therefore, this was a great time to give up.
Lydia looked crestfallen. ‘He’s just been a lot happier ever since he met you, Si. I don’t know how to explain it.’
Penny butted in: ‘But maybe that’s just friendship, Lyds. I really think he would have said or done something by now . . . There’s no denying they have a special friendship, but I just don’t think he sees it the way Sienna does.’
Ouch. Be strong. This was a bit like having each one of my toenails pulled off by a hydraulic torture machine, but I kind of respected her for it. I needed some tough love.
‘Hmm, I don’t know,’ said Lydia, clearly starting to feel a bit riled by Penny’s brutal lack of hope for the situation.
‘What do you think, El?’ I turned to my very best friend in the whole world. Her opinion would seal the deal.
‘I think, my beautiful friend, that you should move on. I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, I just think this situation is bad for you. He’s clearly a bit confused,’ she concluded nervously.
Yup, that was it. The post-mortem was over. The verdict? Get over it.
A few more glasses of wine and a night of playful banter passed in what felt like seconds. We talked about Elouise’s son’s little penchant for having his nails painted pink, which was presenting problems with the other boys at school. We talked about the pressures of the job hunt, the rat race, the career world. We talked about the pros and cons of settling down young. We even talked about pensions and mortgages, for God’s sake (even though pensions and mortgages seemed a very long way off yet). The early twenties female mind is a confusing and panicked place, I can tell you that, but I think we all walked away feeling like a few things had been picked apart, analysed and put back in a better order than they had been before.
I certainly did, anyway. I had a plan to move on. I thought about my idea on the way home, turning it around and looking at it from different angles so I was totally clear.
I stepped out of Elouise’s house into the crisp, cold, early hours of Saturday morning and pulled on a pair of gloves, the grey ones with the little heart buttons my dad had ordered for my Christmas present. A fox looked at me for just a few seconds and then darted into the undergrowth.
Nick Redland is just another guy. Nick Redland is just another guy. Nick Redland is just another guy.
This was the new mantra. I imagined writing the sentence like lines on a blackboard, icing it on a cake, ev
en stencilling it on a wall in a dirty London alleyway somewhere and accidentally becoming a hero of the urban art world.
I could train myself out of all this. Like a smoker, I could cut down. Like a drinker, I could kick the bottle. Like someone in love, I could learn to redesign the route to my heart so someone else stood a chance in hell of navigating it. I could do this.
And that wasn’t the only thing, either, I thought as I pulled my jacket tightly over my body, fighting off the abrasive cold that was biting into my skin. I was going to start eating really well. Salads for lunch, fruit juice and low-fat yoghurts. I was going to start going to the gym. Yes, that sounded like a great idea – four times a week would be good.
I was going to start reading Dad more intelligent books rather than silly ones so we could learn at the same time too. Work – yes, I was going to work harder. By the end of next year I was going to get a promotion. And I was going to stop biting my nails, smoking cigars at the weekend, drinking too much alcohol, drinking too much caffeine, lying in till noon, and leaving it three months before getting my hair cut.
I was going to start a new and better life and it might even involve regular manicures. In six months there would be a new and improved Sienna Walker with slimmer legs, shinier, sleeker hair and a better pay packet.
Good night.
On Saturday, Dad woke me up at 1 p.m. with a chocolate croissant and a double espresso.
Bless him for thinking of me, but this was not how it was supposed to start. I was meant to wake up this morning to find a pair of wings had sprouted from my back during my peaceful slumber. Then those wings were supposed to carry me all the way to the gym, where I would work out solidly for two hours without creating a single drop of sweat.
Oh well. I would have this and then start again afterwards.
‘Good morning, Si,’ he said, tentatively edging round the door with the tray. This worried me a little – not only was he narcoleptic, but his trousers were way too long for him, with great swathes of material gathering at his feet. I’d been meaning to take them to the tailor near work for weeks now, and I quietly kicked myself for not sorting it out sooner, feeling guilty for how preoccupied my mind had been recently. Dad and hot drinks were not an ideal mixture, as Nick had found out. Nick. Nick, who I am no longer in love with.
‘How was last night?’ he asked, perching on the edge of the bed, his small frame swallowed up by a red lumberjack shirt. His face looked quite fresh this morning; he looked really awake. This was good to see. He had been on some new medication lately and I had high hopes that it might change his life. Still, there was always a new medication, some new trial, but nothing had been earth-shattering just yet. We had a hospital appointment coming up soon.
‘It was great, thanks, Dad. We had a lovely time,’ I said between yawns, tucking my legs under my bottom and starting to consume the banned goods. The first wave of guilt crashed over me. ‘We talked about loads of things and had wine and a really nice dinner. It was just great,’ I repeated, a flake of pastry flying from my mouth to the floor.
My father smiled and I wondered if he ever missed his old friends. They came round every now and then, but it was pretty hard for them to see him fall asleep every time they cracked a joke. In fact, they had been coming round less often recently. I hoped it wasn’t a case of out of sight, out of mind.
‘So, when are you inviting Nick here again? It’s lovely when he comes for tea,’ my father asked with a real look of hope in his eyes.
This was difficult. A little like explaining divorce to a child. ‘Well, Dad, he might not be coming round so often now,’ I started, tearing at the pastry until some crumbs of chocolate rolled onto my legs. I picked them off delicately to ensure I didn’t end up covered in specks of brown goo. I felt he was alert enough to be able to handle such a serious conversation.
‘Why, Sienna? You haven’t fallen out with him again, have you?’ he asked, looking panicked already. I could see the first wave of cataplexy prod at his body. He steadied himself by leaning forward and placing his hands on the dresser. A bottle of perfume rocked back and forth before standing still again. Maybe I was wrong about him being awake this morning . . .
‘No, no, not at all,’ I assured him hurriedly, then wondered what to say next. He had no idea how I felt about Nick.
Nick had been coming a couple of times a month to join us for dinner, which was usually followed by a long, profound conversation about something my dad had watched on a documentary or found when scouring Google for new and mind-boggling information. The visits were special for both me and my father, but for very different reasons. I felt that while Nick should still come round, his visits should be a little less frequent. I really needed to start watering down my relationship with him.
‘He’s just really busy with a few things at the moment, so it might be tough to do it so often. But we will still do it, Dad, honest,’ I tried to reassure him but he was now collapsed on my bed, head first onto the green striped duvet.
I sat up and looked at him, holding my coffee and feeling the warmth of it in my hands. It struck me suddenly and poignantly how much I loved my father and how strange and unique our little world was. As I grew older I was learning to embrace our difference and feel really happy with just being us. But you could never really escape how bizarre it all was. Here I was, talking to my dad who was passed out at the foot of my bed, yet was capable of hearing and remembering every word I said.
As for my father’s reaction to my news about Nick, it was sweet but it was hard for me too. I wanted to take a step back from Nick, and Dad had to be OK with that. I did so much for my Dad, I hoped he could help me now.
I put the baby-blue mug down on my bedside table, turned his body over so he could breathe more comfortably, and carried on talking, patting his right hand softly all the time. I knew he would be taking it all in, despite his state of exhaustion.
‘To be truthful, Dad, there’s something I need to talk to you about,’ I continued, pulling my legs up to my chin.
Obviously there was no reaction from my father, so I carried on with my story.
‘You know when you met Mum, you said that you fell in love with her straight away?’ I asked, realising that under the circumstances any questions were pointless. ‘Well, basically, I’m going to be brave and just tell you that I fell in love with Nick the moment I saw him. And, well, I don’t think he feels the same.’ My disclosure was making me feel a bit sick. It was nerve-wracking, pouring my heart out to him like this, even if he was otherwise engaged.
I looked down at him; his mouth was hanging open now. You could just about make out the outline of his eyes, hovering under his closed lids. What was I doing telling my dad about this? I wondered, pausing for a few seconds before starting to tell some more of my story. I guessed this was what mums were for, really, but mine wasn’t around so I had to make do with a father in a coma.
‘And it isn’t his fault, Dad, of course, so don’t get angry. Because he’ll always be my friend, and he has always wanted the very best for me . . .’ I looked up at the window. It was starting to rain. A lump built up in my throat. I suddenly felt very alone and this confession was making me more emotional than I’d expected.
‘Basically, while he’ll always be a friend to me, I need to get my head around the fact that he’ll never be anything more. So I think a bit of distance is necessary. I hope you understand.’
The silence now seemed deafening.
‘And he really does like you, Dad. He’ll be back. He told me that he wanted to talk to you about crop circles next because he found some old photos from a farm in Minnesota or something.’
Dad continued to lie on his back, probably screaming out some advice or words of comfort in his head, but it was no good. He wasn’t able to vocalise them.
I tilted my head and looked at him. This might be a long sleep, I considered, aware that he would usually have come round by now if it was a quick one. His hair was really starting to thin, a
nd I felt a flash of fear about how quickly my life had gone so far and all the things I wanted to see, do and achieve in the rest of it.
The rain started to chuck down so hard I could hear it on the windowpane. A big fat tear rolled from my right eye and ran over my lip but I felt numb. I licked it away with my tongue, tasting its familiar saltiness. What a mess. What a terrible mess. I started to think of my mother, and what she might say about all this if she was around. But I couldn’t even imagine. I had no idea who she was now, or how she might react to things like this.
My mother, Kim, a legal secretary, had shocked the whole family by leaving Dad when he was diagnosed with narcolepsy, and I was left wondering, at a young age, how she had managed to abandon us like that. I have only realised fairly recently that I’ve developed not only a burning resentment about this, but also a complex about whether or not I was just difficult to love. Now I’m older, I see babies turn into little girls, and then into young teenagers, through neighbours and children of older friends, and wonder how on earth she managed to walk away when she knew me for the time she did. Was I a difficult kid? Was I selfish? It can’t just have been Dad’s illness – other families get through stuff like that. By default, I assumed it must be something to do with me . . .
I suppose I could hardly blame her for being deeply frustrated by Dad’s illness. I know I have been at times . . . An admission that always plagues me with guilt.
See, he wasn’t like this when they met. He was a tall, slim man with a head of dark brown hair, sparkling blue eyes and a warm smile. I’ve seen photos of how he used to look; he had this cheeky vibe about him. You can barely see the resemblance now, apart from that smile. But then it all got a bit weird: Dad falling asleep on shopping centre floors, dozing in supermarket toilets and generally feeling too tired to do anything at all. It was a world away from the vibrant young man Kim had met at a music festival, rocking an angled straw hat and a pair of green wellies.
Everyone put it down to laziness at first. Even when I was just five years old I started to notice it. All the other dads were active and ambitious, while mine was sinking into a hole. In the early stages of his illness we were all in denial, aware of the fact he was losing his grip, but putting it down to a phase of simple tiredness that wasn’t going away. But if you looked back carefully, there had been plenty of warning signs. He told me that he once passed out on the floor playing kiss chase at school when he was seven, he regularly fell asleep during university lectures, and had a habit of sleeping through his alarm time and time again.
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