by Martha Long
‘Eh, me back is sore, Mother Pius.’
‘I can see that! I also saw you last night scrubbing that kitchen passage. You have more than enough to do with your work in the convent. Now look at the state of you! How dare they? Your convent duties come first. Come with me this minute. I intend to put a stop to this instantly.’
‘But, Mother Pius! It’s not cos of tha!’
‘Follow me!’ she roared, marchin down the stairs. I dropped the dustpan an handbrush an crawled after her, trailin me head along the ground, feelin like an aul one wit a hump.
‘SISTER MARY MERCY! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY CONVENT GIRL?’
‘What are you talking about?’ Mercy asked, lookin very confused.
‘HER!’ Ma Pius roared, pointin at me crawlin in the door. ‘The passage is your responsibility. That is part of the kitchen duties! And you all know that!’ she roared, pointin her finger at the young one, Loretta, standin wit a pot in her hand gapin from Ma Pius te me an back te Ma Pius again, rubbin the pot up an down wit a tea towel, dryin the hell outa it. ‘YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU PRESSGANGED THAT CHILD INTO DOING YOUR WORK FOR YOU.’
I thought she was goin te have a heart attack be the way her face was turnin purple.
‘And WHO is supposed to do the cooking, might I ask? If we have to scrub the passage,’ screamed Sister Mary Mercy.
‘You have enough lazy lumps hanging around the place! Get them to do some work. And furthermore! From now on she is not to set foot in this kitchen. The kitchen staff will from now on make the tea for the poor man!’ Then she whirled aroun, grabbin me an pushin me ahead of her out the kitchen door, an told me te go back an finish me work, she was goin te have a word wit Sister Eleanor.
I couldn’t believe wha I just heard. So I wasn’t supposed te be doin tha passage after all. They were makin a fool a me all this time! No wonder tha kitchen young one was always laughin at me when she saw me scrubbin it!
I finished putting the brushes an cleanin stuff away in the press just when the back convent door came flyin in an Ma Pius charged through wit her arms swingin down be her side an her hands clamped in fists. She had a face on her like mustard an mortal sin.
‘I have told them in the institution you are not to do any more work over there,’ she roared, pointin her fist an slingin out her finger over te the childre’s part.
‘Right, Mother Pius,’ I said, agreein wit her, thinkin they’ll think twice before they mess me aroun again now I can threaten them wit Ma Pius!
‘There is to be no more washing up in that refectory. Let the big lazy lumps she has lying around the place do some work for a change. Good gracious! You are practically the only child doing any work in that whole institution, and then the convent would suffer! I am expected to accept the wreck they left me!’ An she looked me up an down, shakin her head like someone decidin, no, they won’t buy after all. An flingin me back in me box!
PART II
CHAPTER 10
I held me breath, me eyes flying over the page. Mr Rochester is just about te propose te Jane! Then the door bell rang. I lifted me head, not wanting te leave me book. Bloody hell! It really is getting very exciting. I put me bookmark inta the page and closed the book gently. I love that book, Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë. That priest was right! You can’t beat the classics, I thought as I ran for the door, me ponytail swinging out behind me, making me feel I’m the bee’s knees!
Yeah, once I persevered with Oliver Twist, as the priest advised, I really got inta the story, and ended up loving it and searching through the nuns’ library looking for more. It has even helped me te improve me diction, as the Reverend Mother likes te say.
I opened the door and stood staring at two little travelling girls.
‘Hello, Miss. Would ye have a sup a tea for us? The legs are fallin offa us for the want of a drop. We’ve been walkin all day.’
‘Sure! Will you wait in that hut over there, and I’ll get someone te bring it over te ye,’ I said, smiling at them.
‘Gawd bless ye, Miss,’ said the big one, only about fourteen years old. ‘Come on, Biddy!’ And the little one, only about eight years old, trailed after her wearing a big pair of Wellington boots that would comfortably fit the farmer. I watched them go, not quite closing the door, and pulled it back when I heard the little one say ‘Maggie! Wha about them cows there? They have tits hangin down. De ye think we could get a drop a milk outa them?’ And she was trying te hurry after Maggie, tripping herself up and falling outa the boots.
‘No! Wait till we see if they give us anythin yet! An they may be watchin us! Them windas all have eyes! Anyway, wha use is a drop a milk? Sure, we’ve nothin te carry it in.’
Take the whole cow, I thought, staring after them. I would! Then I started roaring me head laughing as I shut the door and headed down te the kitchen, thinking they remind me of meself not too long ago, and I felt me heart slipping. Poor things. It’s hard work begging. And they probably have te bring something home te the other children. No wonder the little one is keeping her eyes peeled, hoping te get something, anything, they can bring back te put food on the table. The children here don’t know how lucky they are. On the other hand, it is lonely, very lonely, when you have te fight for the attention of one poor aul nun. She’s blind, bothered and bewildered trying te keep track of the lot of us.
I put me head in the kitchen door, shouting te the kitchen girl, Loretta, ‘Tea for two in the poor man’s hut!’
‘You make it!’ roared Loretta. ‘Sitting up there on your arse like Lady Muck!’
‘Really!’ I said, raising me eyebrows, driving her mad with me airs and graces I got from watching and listening te Ma Pius! ‘Then I will have to report this to Mother Pius. We’ll see what she has to say about it!’
‘Get back here, you!’ roared Sister Mercy, lifting her head outa the oven, with her big arse stuck in the air, and trying te straighten herself by pushing her elbows back and sending her arse flying forward.
‘Yes, Sister?’ I asked, poking me head around the door again with me eyebrows raised, like Mother Pius does when she’s waiting for you te answer for yourself!
‘Stop giving me your cheeky looks! Yeh can take dat look off your face for a start, and don’t be coming into me kitchen and threatening us!’
‘Will that be all, Sister Mercy?’ I asked in me best Ma Pius voice.
‘Get out! Get out, ye cheeky cur!’ she roared at me, throwing the dishcloth after me.
I leapt and bounced inta the air, feeling light as a feather, and grabbed the door handle, sailing back up te the convent, leaving the roars behind me. Ha! That’ll teach you fuckers not te mess wit me. I’m moving up in the world, giving meself an edumacation, as that aul bandy bastard Jackser would say! Hm! He was right about that. Edumacation is the key te getting on in this world, and having the protection of aul Ma Pius is doing me no harm at all. Ha! If ye can’t beat them, join them an beat them at their own game! Yeah! I can now speak the ‘Queen’s English’ as Ma Pius calls it, when it suits me!
The angelus bell rang and I shut me book, standing up and stretching. Teatime! Another working day over! I walked past the chapel and stopped te watch Sister Clare John Mary swinging outa the bell. I walked over te get a closer look. ‘Can I have a go, Sister?’ I whispered.
‘OK,’ she said, handing me the rope.
I grabbed hold of it, giving it a yank – nothing happened.
‘No! Tug it like this,’ she said, grabbing hold again, ‘then let go. See!’
I watched and listened, then had another go. I was swinging away like mad, having a great time, when the Reverend Mother came marching over from her office, sneaking up behind us.
‘What on earth are you doing, Sister?’
I let go, getting an awful fright with the roar she gave. ‘Sorry, Mother,’ I said, lowering me eyes, looking very chastised. ‘I was just having a practice, in case you ever want me te ring it.’
‘Get out of here and go back down
to the institution. You are now beginning to lose the run of yourself. You must think you are one of the nuns! The idea of it, indeed!’ she snorted, and little Sister Clare John Mary coughed, wanting te laugh. She was bright red at getting caught! I took off, racing down the back stairs, leaving the poor young nun getting herself eaten alive.
‘The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary!’ moaned Sister Eleanor, flicking her eyes over me as I bombed inta the refectory, wanting te be on time in case the grub was gone. ‘In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen,’ everyone drawled, blessing themselves quickly te get it over.
Sister Eleanor reached for the stainless-steel pie dish and started serving the sausages, going from table te table. ‘Thank you, Sister,’ I said, looking down at the size of the sausages, and looking te Olivia Ryan’s plate te see if her sausages were bigger.
‘“Thank you, Sister!”’ Ryan mimicked, shaking her head at the table and giving me a sideways glance.
The rest of them roared laughing. ‘Yeah! She’s a right suck-up,’ Ashtray-face laughed, staring down at me.
I took no notice. Ha! Let them laugh. Since I threw me lot in with the nuns and managed te keep me head down and stay outa trouble, they can’t get at me. I’ve even found ways of getting them, I thought, landing me eyes on me bread, ready te put me sausage on it and make a sandwich.
‘Have some salt!’ Powers suddenly said, shaking half of the eggcup onta me plate. I stared at the mound of salt sitting on me sausages and felt me belly going red-hot. ‘Ye scabby fuckin cow,’ I snarled, grabbing hold of her plate and switching the sausages.
‘Give that back, you tinker!’ screamed Ryan, reaching for me new plate.
I held it up in the air outa her reach and stood up.
‘Ha, ha! We knew she would revert to being a street kid! Did you hear her?’
‘You bitch,’ snorted Ryan, grabbing me ponytail and yanking me back.
I let go of the plate, letting it smack te the floor, walking in the sausages and slamming against the table, sending cups of tea flying, hearing it pour onta the floor and the roars of people getting tea in their laps, hearing them shout, ‘We’re going to tell Sister Eleanor! You are in big trouble now! Wait until Eleanor hears what you’ve just done,’ they all screamed. ‘“My refectory, the floor! It was just cleaned and polished,” she’ll scream. “I’m reporting you te the Reverend Mother!”’ they mimicked, laughing.
‘Go on! Get her, Olivia!’ they shouted, watching as Ryan swung me by me hair.
I whirled around, going with me ponytail, getting me closer te Ryan, and slammed me elbow inta her stomach, feeling the softness just under her ribs and the air flying up and outa her mouth with a whoosh, satisfying the madness pumping around me veins, feeling a white-hot rage.
Her hand let go as she bent, dropping in pain, collapsing on her knees, and I went straight for her hair, swinging her around. ‘Bullying cowardly bastard,’ I screamed as I let go, steadying meself on me feet. I was suddenly flying te the floor with hands grabbing hold of me hair, smashing me face down te me knees, and hearing her scream as she came at me again, fighting flying hands trying te tear at me as others tore me te the floor, and more from behind kicking and punching me. I heard shouts as Miss came tearing in from the staffroom, screaming, ‘Stop!’ trying te pull everyone apart. But even more joined in and were pulling me hair and kicking me. I rolled inta a ball, protecting me face with me arms and holding the roots of me hair with me hands, stiffening meself, waiting for the pummelling te stop.
‘Stop! Stop this at once, or I’ll send for the Reverend Mother this minute. Let go!’ She was slapping hands away, trying te disentangle the fingers caught in me hair. I could feel the pain shooting through me head, with hands pulling me in different directions. And the kicks te me back and the laughter, and the heavy breathing of people trying te get a punch at me. Then we were apart.
I lifted me head, feeling me face sore and me head throbbing with the aching, as people moved away with hate and laughter in their eyes, and Miss was looking shocked from me te the rest of them. I headed out the door without thinking, hearing them laughing and shouting, ‘Go on! Run, Long! You’re nothing but a street kid, a skivvy for the nuns, and that’s what you’ll always be, while the rest of us go to good schools and we’ll all get good jobs. Yeah! Run, skivvy!’
I could hear their voices still laughing after me but growing fainter now as I neared the back door and made for the convent. I tore up the back stairs and wandered inta the linen room. I won’t go inta me little waiting room, because the nuns will see me there.
I shut the door quietly, knowing there was no one around; they will all be at their tea. I sat down on the floor in the corner, looking around at the clean white sheets and pillowcases belonging te the nuns. It’s nice and warm in here, and most of all peaceful. The pain in me head and back was beginning te pound, and I could hear the throbbing in me ears. I felt an ache in me chest. Me heart felt like it was breaking from the pain, the loneliness. They just don’t like me.
I looked down at me smock seeing the pockets torn. I’ll have te sew it before Mother Pius sees it. Now Sister Eleanor won’t speak te me for weeks. Because one way or the other, she feels closer te them than te me. She has had them since they were small, and I just blew inta the place. She’ll think in her heart I’m te blame, I brought the trouble here, even though the cows are always fighting with each other, but they love te have a go at me, especially if there’s a crowd of them, then one will jump on me, and the others will all dive in, and I end up under a pile a bodies!
Bastardin cowards! Me heart was flying with rage and pain; the bastards never leave me alone. I looked around at the little room. Jaysus! I can’t stay here for ever, but me heart is fluttering like mad at the thought of going back and facing them. God! Are ye there? I wonder if I’ll ever be happy? I thought when I got away from Jackser an havin te rob the butter everythin would be grand! But it’s not, God! Now I’m very lonely. All I want these days is te have Sister Eleanor like me. Since I got here, all I want is a mammy. I want her te love me, because she’s like a mammy. But she has too many hangin outa her, an I get mad jealous when she ignores me an makes a fuss of the other kids. It pains me in me heart all the time. I feel cold an lonely. That’s one of the reasons I work so hard, just te get the nuns te smile at me an tell me I’m a grand girl. But I know they don’t really mean it! It’s only cos they see me work very hard an bein very polite an not speak te them until they speak first, an clean everythin an make it shine until ye can see yer face in it.
Every evenin when I’m finished me work, I’m hauntin an huntin up an down the place lookin for her. It’s too cold an lonely down there without her. While the others sit wit their gangs in their own groups, they don’t want me cos I’m an outsider, an I don’t want them. So I mooch along the cold empty passages passin the time until we go te bed. I’m hangin round lookin for Sister Eleanor, then she gets me te do some work for her, an she might call me pet an tell me I’m very good, then she disappears an I’m left empty again. So ye see, God! I swapped one set a problems for another. I don’t know which pain is worse: livin wit the Jackser fella an all tha went wit it, or this kind of pain, wantin te be loved by someone. Will I ever hear anyone say, ‘Leave her alone. Stop tormenting my Martha, she belongs with us. You’re not on your own, Martha! You have me,’ an I won’t have te do anythin te please them! Because they love me just for meself. Yeah! It’s the pain of not bein wanted, tha’s wha is killing me.
Tha never bothered me before, no! Tha only started when I came here! But I’m goin te tell ye one thing, God! When I do get outa here, I’m not goin te end up as a skivvy, as them bastards said I will. No, God! I will work hard! An I will get te the top! That I will do! I am goin te be somebody. An no one will ever look down on me again. Yeah! I’m improvin meself all the time! I know how te behave, I can speak properly. I use me Oxford Dictionary I robbed from the nuns’ library, an when I’m readin an don�
��t know a word, I look it up in me dictionary. Yeah! That reminds me! I must ask Sister Eleanor for some of me money she’s saving for me. I let her keep me five shillings a week wages; that’s another way of getting te the top. I never want te be short of a few bob, so I intend savin all I can. Anyway! I’ll ask Ma Pius te buy me me own dictionary, an Oxford one, an put theirs back in the bookcase before they miss it!
Yeah! I have me plan already workin te get meself ahead in this life; them fuckers can go te their schools. I’ll do it me own way! Without any help from anyone! I’m watchin, listenin an learnin all the time.
I stopped thinking for a minute, hearing meself going back te the way I always spoke. It’s because I feel the same as I used te after Jackser beat the hell outa me: that nobody wants me, and I’m all on me own. That’s what I’m feeling now. Oh well! My day will come; it won’t always be like this. So don’t worry, things will be better one day when I get outa here.
Right! I better get meself moving. Thanks, God, for taking care of me. I will try te be good! I lifted meself up, feeling aching all over, but I’m feeling a bit better in meself. No! I won’t be here for ever. I’m nearly hitting fifteen now, then it’s only another year te go, and that’s it. I’ll be on me own, making me own way in this life, and I’ll never look back!
I was throwing the wax on the lino, looking around at the big square passage outside the chapel, wanting te see how much more I had te do, when Ma Pius came flying along all in a hurry, with her long outdoor black coat buttoned from the neck down te the floor. ‘Martha!’ she beamed, rushing over te me. ‘I am going on my holidays back to our convent in London, so I shall be out for the afternoon. I must do a last-minute shop in preparation, so do take a message and leave it on the hall table.’
‘Yes, Mother Pius,’ I said, staring inta her face. She’s wearing face powder, I’m sure of it. I stared, moving a bit closer te get a better look, pretending I needed te be closer te hear what she was saying, and stood gaping up at her with me mouth open. Yeah, definitely! She’s plastered in the stuff! Imagine that! She really fancies herself!