by Martha Long
‘Ma! Ma!’ I raced after her, screaming, ‘Mammy! Wait!’
She turned, looking down te see where it was coming from, and spotted me flying after her.
‘Wha? Wha is it?’ she asked me, turning pale, her eyes blinking, and I could see the light appearing, thinking maybe I’ve changed me mind and I’m coming back after all.
‘Ma!’ I couldn’t get me breath. ‘Wait!’
‘Wha is it?’ she asked, her face shaking and her eyes getting anxious te hear what I wanted. I glanced up at the aul fella, and he stopped with his hands in his pockets, his head turned, screwed straight ahead, while his body was sideways, trying te look the hard man with the hard-as-stone-cement face on him. He knows I’m not coming back. He’s fucking raging! Me ma has said it te him.
‘Ma! Please come back fer a minute. I have somethin I want te give ye!’
‘Wha is it?’ she said, disappointment and curiosity showing all at the same time. ‘I can’t,’ she said, looking up at him. ‘The kids are waitin, an he won’t wait fer me.’
‘Come on outa tha!’ he roared down at me ma, waving his fist and curling it back te himself, but ignoring me.
‘Fuck him, Ma! I want te give ye somethin.’
‘Wha . . . Wha is it?’ she roared, getting annoyed.
‘I might have a few bob. I don’t know how much I have, it may not be a lot . . . but ye can have it.’
‘Where is it?’
‘The nun has it. She was savin it fer me.’
‘Come on, then!’ she said, moving towards me. ‘Listen! Martha has a few bob she’s givin me,’ me ma shouted up te him, a half laugh coming outa her, not sure whether he would wait or what he would do.
‘Fuck off then,’ he waved his fist and shouted down te me ma. ‘I’m havin nothin more te do wit tha whore’s melt! You do wha ye fuckin like.’
Me ma’s head swung from him te me and back te him again. ‘Jaysus! He won’t wait.’
‘Ma, fuck him. Come on! I’ll see what I can get ye!’
‘Right so! But I better hurry. I don’t want him startin any more trouble. He’s fuckin ragin because ye’re not comin back! Would ye not even come back fer a little while, Martha?’ me ma said, looking at me with desperation.
Me heart was breaking at the thought of her and the children suffering. ‘I can’t, Ma.’
‘But why? Surely ye don’t want te stay locked up in this place?’ she said, looking up at the huge old convent that stretched for building after building.
‘No, Ma, of course not. But I’m staying here until I’m sixteen, then I’m off!’
‘Where will ye go?’
‘I don’t know yet. But I’ll make it somewhere, Ma!’ I said, looking at her worn-out face, old before her time, with a mad man that needs her more than she fucking needs him.
‘Wait here, Ma,’ I said, running around te the back door and going in along the kitchen passage.
‘Where will I wait, Martha?’ me ma said, lowering her voice and looking around at all the doors of the refectories and staffrooms. Doors that stretched the length of O’Connell Street, disappearing inta the darkness at the end of the long concrete passage with no windows te throw in the light; it was like entering a tunnel.
‘Ma! Don’t let them see ye. Here! Come on with me quick.’ I rushed her out te the green with the hedges all around, hidden from view where the nuns hang up their vests and big long navy-blue knickers. ‘Sit down on tha bench, Ma, an wait for me; I won’t be long,’ I puffed getting outa breath with the hurry on me, and me heart flying, wanting te be quick as greased lightning, before I got caught!
‘Don’t be long, Martha!’ me ma moaned, warning me, getting very anxious.
‘No, Ma. Wait here, don’t let them see ye! I’ll be very fast.’
‘Where are ye goin?’ she called after me.
‘Shush, Ma! I won’t be long.’
I put me head in the staffroom, looking around – nobody here! And crept in, grabbing the Miss’s bag hanging up behind the storage door, looking at it. It’s a long canvas bag she uses for her bits and pieces of shopping. She can buy herself another one! She’s nothing te spend her money on!
I whipped out, tearing down the kitchen passage, and stopped outside the kitchen, listening – nobody here. I flew inta the dairy, grabbing slabs a butter sitting on greaseproof paper, home-made! Lovely, I shoved that inta me bag and opened a parcel with strings a sausages and black and white pudding and a slab a rashers, with a big lump a bacon still waiting te be put in the fridge. Jaysus! Somebody left them sitting there! Probably the butcher. I grabbed them, putting them inta me bag and tore inta the kitchen, seeing lumps a chopped steak sitting in the fridge covered in a bowl. Tomorrow’s dinner! I looked around for something te put it in, flying over te presses, yanking them open, and took out a roll of tinfoil and tore it off, wrapping the steak pieces of meat in it, shoving it inta me bag.
What else has she got? A huge lump a cheese sitting in a fancy dish. I tore off more foil, throwing the cheese in, and flew te the storage press. Tea, packets – I grabbed three – and jars a home-made jam with greaseproof lids on te keep it from going off. Two will do! Then I spotted the big bowl a tomatoes sitting on the kitchen table. I threw them inta the tinfoil. Fuck! Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. I grabbed four loaves a soda bread cooling on the wire rack sitting on the windowsill and shoved them inta me bag. It’s full! Nothing else? Me head swung around the kitchen, me eyes peeling over everything. No! Nothing left that I can carry; the sacks of potatoes out in the scullery are too heavy. That’s enough.
I put me head out the door, looking up and down, and tore up the passage, knowing if I’m spotted now, the game’s up! Me feet won’t touch the ground I’ll be outa here so fast. That Reverend Mother will have me out the door before I can take me next breath. Gawd! I’m sweating. Me face is pumping sweat, and I can feel it red as a berry.
Fuck! I stopped te creep past the long passage coming from me right, and listened. No footsteps; nobody coming. Now past the staffroom; they’re not really nuns, though they think they are, the way they carry on. They’re just the bleeding staff that help the nuns with the groups.
I flew out the door and over te the ma. ‘Ma! Hide this!’ I shoved the bag at her. ‘I’ll be back! No! Come on,’ I said whipping back the bag and hurrying her off.
‘Wait! Where are we goin?’ she asked, laughing and looking at the bag. ‘Wha have ye got in tha, Martha?’ she puffed, trying te keep up with me.
‘Ma, let’s get outa here. I’ll talk te ye later!’
We shuffled fast past the convent hall door entrance then around the bend, praying no nun will happen te appear outa the side entrance.
‘Wait here!’ I said, leaving her standing at a tree. ‘No! Better still, go te the end of the avenue an wait around the corner. I won’t be long.’
‘I can’t wait, Martha! I have te go,’ she said, shaking her head, getting all wound up.
‘Wait! I need te get ye the few bob! Go on, wait down the road for me!’
I raced back, heading in the side entrance through the nuns’ convent passage and up the back stairs and onta the landin with the convent entrance, and looked at the gong. No! Try the chapel.
I put me head in the door and saw her kneeling in her priedieu and crept over.
‘Sister!’ I whispered, creeping on me toes.
She looked up, getting a fright at being disturbed. ‘What! What do you want, Martha?’
‘I need te speak te ye straight away, Sister!’
‘Can it not wait? I am getting my prayers,’ she said, twisting her face and getting annoyed.
‘No, I’m sorry, Sister! I have te talk te ye now!’
She shook her head in annoyance and blessed herself looking up at the altar and followed me out, stopping te genuflect and bless herself, then rushed out while I held the door open for her.
‘What is it?’ she asked. ‘Why did you get me out from my prayers? Can I not even get time to say
a few prayers without the lot of you hunting me down?’
‘I am sorry, Sister. But me mother needs a bit a money, and I want te know how much ye have saved for me.’
‘What? Now?’
‘Yes, Sister.’
‘But I don’t know how much you have! I have to go up to my room and check,’ she said, staring at me, looking very fed up.
‘Sister! Will ye please get me all me money; I want te give it te me mammy!’
‘But where is she? I thought they left ages ago?’
‘No, she came back.’
‘Oh!’ she breathed. ‘My God and my all!’ rushing herself up te her room.
I took off, racing te the dormitory, trying te get ahead of her, even though I go miles around the house, while she just has te go up the stairs and along the corridor lined with all the cells, as Ma Pius calls them. I took the stairs, belting inta the dormitory, and knocked on her door just beside me bed in the little corner, and grabbed me brand-new long coat with the band a fur around the big wide hood attached te the coat and lifted it up, feeling the weight of it. I looked at the silver clips that fasten inta each other te button it; they use wooden ones for duffel coats, but these are like long hoops that clasp inta each other. It’s navy blue and sort of heavy corduroy, and midi-length: they’re all the fashion, ye wear them long now. This will keep the ma lovely and warm! I can save up for another one. God love her, she won’t have that chance.
Oh! And me lovely earrings Ma Pius brought me back as a present. Little gold ones that dangle down! I only wear them for good occasions, because they clip on, and I’m always afraid of losing them, or they might get robbed! Some of the young ones here would take the eyes outa yer head. They’re terrible fucking robbers! Me ma loves rings and earrings! She’ll go mad when she sees these, I thought, feeling very happy at the thought of making her happy.
I could hear Sister Eleanor opening her drawers in the room. I knocked quietly. ‘Sister Eleanor! It’s me, Martha.’
‘Wait one minute, please!’
I turned the coat inside out and laid it down gently on me bed, waiting for her te come out. There will be hell on earth when Sister Mercy finds all the stuff robbed. I’m saying nothing! I might mention I saw some poor man hanging around . . . No! Better te say nothing. Let them rant and go mad! If I wasn’t seen, then they can suspect all they like. But they can’t prove it was me. There’s no hope in hell I’m going te hang meself by admitting te anything. It’s not like anyone in this place was going te starve. Me little brothers and sisters need the food, so te hell with them! I snorted te meself.
The door opened, and I jumped up off the bed. ‘Here! You have five pounds and ten shillings!’ she said, handing me over the money. ‘Do what you like with that,’ she said, annoyed I was taking me savings back.
‘Thanks, Sister,’ I said te her back as she went in closing her door. I grabbed up the coat and took off flying down the passages and out the back door. I hope it’s not locked when I get back, I thought, rushing off and heading down the avenue.
‘Here, Ma! Put tha on ye,’ I said, taking off her old coat.
‘Where did ye get tha, Martha?’ me ma asked, laughing and blinking and chewing her lip, her face shaking.
‘I bought it, Ma, last summer in a sale. I was keepin it fer the Christmas. Do ye like it?’ I said, putting it on her and pulling up the zip in the middle, and buckling it from her neck te down past her legs, then pulling up the hood.
I stood back te admire her. ‘Ye look lovely in tha, Ma,’ I said, taking a big sigh of contentment inside meself at seeing me ma looking lovely and warm, and a bit more respectable.
‘Gawd! It’s lovely an warm, innit?’ she said, looking down at herself.
‘An here’s the money. I managed te save five pounds an ten shillings. Tell him ye only got ten bob from me, will ye, Ma? An keep the five pounds for yerself.’
‘OK!’
‘Will ye promise me ye won’t let him get his hands on the money, Ma?’ I said, leaning inta her.
‘Don’t worry! He’ll be off back te the pawn wit the watch he bought ye. Where is it?’
‘Stop frettin, Ma! Here’s yer stuff outa the pockets of the old coat. I’m takin this in case he gets the idea of pawnin that one on ye, Ma.’
‘Wha? Will I not keep tha one, Martha?’ she said, eyeing the old coat, thinking it might come in handy.
‘No! If that’s the only one ye have te wear, then ye won’t be able te pawn it. Now come on! Ye have te hurry. Oh! An here’s a pair of earrings for ye, Ma. They’re nine-carat gold!’
‘Where did ye get them?’ me ma asked, her eyes lighting up.
‘Someone gave them te me as a present,’ I said, eyeing them and beginning te miss them already! ‘I’ll walk ye down the road; give me the bag. I’m not supposed te be out, Ma. I’ll get inta terrible trouble if I’m caught, so we better hurry!’ I said, looking at her admiring her new coat. ‘Gawd, Ma! Ye look lovely an warm in tha.’
‘Yeah, it’s lovely,’ she said, feeling the velvety softness.
‘Right! I’m goin te leave ye here,’ I said, looking down te the bus stop, wondering where the bandy aul bastard was. ‘Oh! There he is, Ma! He’s waitin for ye, hidin himself in the doorway beside the chip shop!’
‘Right! I better go,’ me ma said, smiling and looking and hesitating, wanting te say something else. ‘Eh,’ cough, ‘when will I see ye again, Martha? Will ye come back te see me when they let ye out?’
‘Ah, that’s a long way off, Ma. We could be all dead an buried by then . . .’
‘No! Next year! This time next year ye’ll be well out,’ me ma said.
‘OK! Let’s see what happens, Ma. Go on now! Get home outa the cold.’
‘Bye now,’ she waved after me, then turned her head towards the bus stop and that hell-on-earth aul fella.
I stopped te watch her go, trying te rush with the heavy bag and the baby in her belly, pulling herself along, moving the air around her but not really moving herself very much at all. It helped the heaviness weighing me down te see her wrapped up with the hood covering her up nicely, and she could button it up and know she had a bit of warmth inside her with the bit a grub for the kids and the money in her pocket and something for herself. The earrings would make her happy for a while!
I turned back towards the convent, feeling the weight of me ma and the children, and the rage inside me for the cowardly bandy bastard. He would flop on his belly and scream for mercy if given a good hammering by someone. I could do it! But the ma wouldn’t thank me for it. When push comes te shove, it’s him she wants. I learned that a long time ago, when she ran back te him after that time we escaped te England. Anyway, that’s all behind me now!
I walked on, heading back te the convent, feeling the cold hitting me. I looked down at meself wearing me light working smock and stopped te throw me ma’s old coat over me shoulders, and walked on with an empty feeling inside me of going back te nothing. I felt the heaviness of not having someone te go back te in the convent, someone who would smile and their eyes light up, happy te see me. Someone like Mrs Dunne from long ago, who took us in when Jackser tried te kill the lot of us, and me ma ended up in the hospital, and Jackser was taken away. Yeah! She was a real mammy. They might say, ‘How are you? How did you get on?’ I could tell them what happened, and they would listen and tell me I did the right thing, and say, ‘Don’t worry yourself about the ma. Sure, she knows what she’s doing. Now! Forget about that. Do ye want something to eat? Here! Come over to the heat here, ye look frostbitten.’ And put their arm around me, saying, ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you! You’re the light of me life.’
Yeah! Someone who was interested in me for meself, not because I worked hard or was polite or behaved meself. I want someone who doesn’t want something from me te make them happy, just happy because they like me, because I’m special te them. Te be in a place where I belong. Jesus! That’s what I want! It’s only dawning on me now! I’ve never been in
any place where I belonged. It makes me feel very lonely, God! Because I want te belong here, with Sister Eleanor, and have the other kids accept me. But I just have te wait for that. It’s never going te happen here. God, I’m so lonely!
I stopped and pulled the coat off me shoulders and threw it inta the dustbin sitting outside the kitchen door. Then rambled off down the passage, looking up at the high windows, hearing the sound of a dripping tap in the ancient old bathroom at the end of the passage, waiting for Saturday, bath day. The crying of small children hit me as I passed the nursery; they’re keening for the bit of comfort of a mammy’s arms. Ye’ll be crying a long time, little ones. The fucking ache for that never leaves ye.
Still and all, Martha! Ye could be a hell of a lot worse off! Think of the poor children waiting in fear for the ma and that bandy bastard te get back. At least no one is going te kill ye here! Not without me being able te put up a fight first. Yeah, and think of poor Charlie. I bet he would give his eye teeth te be here! But then he’d probably end up being lonely, too. Ah, fuck it, stop yer whingeing. Ye could be like the poor ma! Stuck with Jackser! I roared laughing te meself, not knowing why. But the thought made me laugh.
CHAPTER 12
The six o’clock bell rang for the angelus and I stood up wearily. Thank God it’s Friday! Tomorrow, after the convent kitchen, I’ll be off for the weekend.
I stretched and yawned, feeling banjacksed. Jaysus, I never want te see another scrubbing brush as long as I live. The amount of cleaning this last week! The nuns want the place shining for the Christmas. My gawd! Only two weeks away; the days are flying. I better get moving or I’ll get no tea.
I walked up the chapel passage and stepped up te the brown-tiled passage just in time te see the Reverend Mother lift her head and bless herself after saying the angelus. She looked at me and mumbled, ‘Goodnight.’
‘Goodnight, Mother,’ I mumbled back, not caring about her sulks because I wouldn’t go home te the ma. That’s the first time she’s even looked at me, silly aul cow. Ye’d think she would have more sense at her age. She must be in her fifties by now. Jaysus! The nuns live in the land of Tir na nog, or whatever ye call it – ‘the land of youth’. They never become aul ones even if they are; they still titter and act like girls, looking shocked when a man looks at them. Fucking eejits!