NOT ALL THAT SPARKLES IS DIAMONDS
In 2009 a would-be jewel thief entered the Black Diamond Company in Salt Lake City, Utah. Armed with an ice pick, he ordered two employees: “Give me your precious gems!” The employees explained that Black Diamond doesn’t sell diamonds or any other precious gems—they sell rock-climbing gear. The robber stole several computers instead.
NEXT TIME, READ THE SIGNS
In 2009 retired NYPD officer John Comparetto stepped out of a restroom stall at a Holiday Inn in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, to find a man pointing a gun at him. “Give me your wallet and your cell phone!” said the thief. The ex-cop complied and the man ran away. Then Comparetto yelled, “Need some help!” The help came from the 300 other cops who were attending a police convention at the hotel (several signs read “Welcome Police Officers”). The cops easily apprehended the robber, 19-year-old Jerome Marquis Blanchett. Said Comparetto, “He’s probably the dumbest criminal in Pennsylvania.”
30% of India’s population is vegetarian. Only 2.8% of Americans are.
HOOP SNAKES AND
SPLINTER CATS
Were scary stories about Bigfoot part of camping trips when you were a kid? You’re not the only one—it turns out that telling stories about the mythical beasts that inhabit the forest is an American tradition.
FIRESIDE FIBBIN’
In the summer of 1908, a young man named Henry Tryon took a job in a logging camp in northern Maine. One night around a campfire, another young man, who was also new to the woods, mentioned that he’d heard a strange, screeching cry that afternoon and didn’t know what kind of animal had made it. “Reckon it was one o’ them tree-squeaks,” an older logger replied. “They’re common hereabouts in July.”
“What’s a tree-squeak?” the young man asked—stepping right into the trap—whereupon the older lumberjacks spent the rest of the evening spinning yarns about the legendary beast. One man claimed the tree-squeak looked kind of like a weasel and was every bit as ornery. Another said it could wrap itself around a tree trunk and blend in with the bark just like a chameleon. A third claimed it could squeak like a mouse, squeal like a pig, howl like a wildcat, or give off a staccato roar that sounded like firecrackers going off. And so it went, with one logger passing the story off to the next, until the men turned in for the night.
The two greenhorns ate up every word of it. It’s likely that only a day or two passed before they realized they’d been had—and by summer’s end they, too, were terrorizing gullible newcomers with wild tales about “fearsome critters” that supposedly inhabited the dark and spooky forest. The tradition has been around for as long as lumberjacks have roamed the woods of North America.
ENDANGERED SPECIES
By 1908 it was already clear that at the rate the forests were being logged, lumber camps wouldn’t be around forever. A handful of people, Tryon among them, began collecting the old loggers’ tales and writing them down, so that this form of American folklore wouldn’t vanish entirely. Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods, by William T. Cox, Minnesota’s first commissioner of conservation, was one of the first books on the subject; it was published in 1910. Tryon collected his stories for more than 25 years before writing his own book, Fearsome Critters, in 1939.
Chicago’s Iroquois Theater, the world’s first “fireproof” theater, burned to the ground less than a month after opening in 1903.
THE FEARSOME MENAGERIE
Here are some of the more fanciful critters that Tryon, Cox, and others collected over the years. (Keep your eyes peeled for them the next time you’re in the woods at night.)
• The Will-am-alone. A mischievous squirrel-like animal, the will-am-alone lives in the forests of Maine. It sniffs out poisonous fungus the way a pig sniffs out truffles, and when it finds a patch it rolls the stuff into tiny balls, then sneaks up on sleeping loggers and drops it into their eyes and ears. The fungus balls cause the loggers to have the most vivid and terrifying nightmares imaginable. “Parties well-foxed with alcohol,” writes Tryon, “seem to be his special prey.”
• The Slide-Rock Bolter. This giant, beady-eyed, drooling creature resembles a large-mouthed fish, but it doesn’t live in the water. The steep mountain slopes of Colorado are its home. The bolter has giant hooked fins at the end of its tail, and it uses these to anchor itself to a mountaintop. Then it lies perfectly still, often for days on end, drooling continuously as it waits for a logger to pass by in the valley below. As soon as it spots its prey, the creature releases its hooked fins and roars down the mountain slope like a kid on a waterslide, its path greased by great quantities of its slippery drool. When the bolter reaches the valley floor it devours the logger in a single gulp. The momentum of its slide sends it all the way to the top of the opposite slope, where it grabs hold with its hooked fins…and waits until it is ready to eat again.
• The Hoop Snake. The hoop snake has a stinger at the end of its tail that’s armed with venom so powerful it can kill anything it stings. But what really makes this snake dangerous is its ability to form a giant hoop by taking its tail in its mouth, and then roll along like a hula hoop at speeds of up to 60 mph. The hoop snake normally preys on jackrabbits, not loggers, but it will attack any creature if it feels threatened. The only way to get away from it is to find a fence and climb over it. When the hoop snake comes to a fence it has to un-hoop in order to climb over it, slowing it down and giving its prey a decent chance at escape. If there aren’t any fences around, you’re out of luck.
• The Dungavenhooter. This beast looks a little like a crocodile without a snout. The dungavenhooter has huge nostrils, but no mouth. It preys on loggers and is partial to drunks, especially those soused on rum. So how does it eat the loggers if it doesn’t have a mouth? Easy—it hides behind a bush until a logger comes along, then it knocks him down and beats him to death with its tail. It keeps pounding away until there’s nothing left of the logger except a bloody mist—which it snorts up with those huge nostrils.
• The Hidebehind. Another vicious man-eater, the hidebehind is a six-foot-tall creature with slender build, quick reflexes, and a thick black coat of fur. Its skinny build enables it to hide behind trees when sneaking up on loggers. Then, after it creeps up behind an unfortunate woodsman, it lets out a terrifying screech. If the logger doesn’t drop dead from fright right then and there, the hidebehind disembowels him with a single swipe of its razor-sharp, bearlike claws. The good news: The hidebehind cannot stand the smell of alcohol and will not prey on drunks. A single swig of whisky or bottle of beer is more than adequate protection from this teetotaling timberland terror.
• The Splinter Cat. Harmless to humans but very destructive, the splinter cat is found in forests all over North America. It’s a short, stocky feline with powerful legs and a hard, wedge-shaped head. The splinter cat feeds on honey and raccoons, both of which can be found in hollow trees. Sadly, it can’t tell solid trees from hollow ones, but it makes up for this with its astonishing strength. After climbing to the top of one tree, it hurls itself against a neighboring tree with enough force to snap the top clean off. If this wedge-headed wonder finds honey or a raccoon inside the tree, it stops there and eats. If not, it hurls itself at another tree, and then another, and another, until it finally finds its dinner.
For more tall tales about the “fearsome critters” of the
forest, ride your hoop snake over to page 439.
Number of sports-related eye injuries in the U.S.: 40,000 per year.
PEOPLE YOU THOUGHT
WERE AMERICANS
BRI reader Christine D. recently told us that she was surprised to learn that the actor Errol Flynn wasn’t from the United States. (Can you guess where he was from?) That made us wonder about other famous people that we assumed were born in America…but weren’t. We were surprised by how many we found.
RICH LITTLE. The comedian, who achieved fame on The Tonight Show and The Ed Sullivan Show in the 1960s and ’70s through his impersonations of Johnny Carson,
George Burns, John Wayne, and Richard Nixon, among many others, started out doing impersonations of Canadian politicians. Little was born in Ottawa in 1938 and became an American citizen in 2008—at the age of 69.
ERROL FLYNN. Flynn was born in Hobart, Australia, in 1909. He moved to England in his early twenties and to the U.S. when he was 26. He became a Hollywood star almost instantly—and didn’t become an American citizen until 1942, at age 33. Flynn didn’t die in the U.S., either: He had a heart attack while visiting friends in Vancouver, British Columbia. He was only 50 years old.
BOB HOPE. He was born in London in 1903, emigrated to the U.S. with his family in 1908, and became a citizen in 1920.
EDDIE VAN HALEN. The guitarist for the rock group Van Halen was born Edward Lodewijk Van Halen in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, in 1955. His family moved to Pasadena, California, when he was seven. (His older brother, Alex, the drummer for the band, is also from Amsterdam.)
DAVID BYRNE. The front man for the Talking Heads was born in Scotland in 1952, moved to Ontario, Canada, with his family when he was two, then to the Baltimore, Maryland, area when he was nine. And although he has lived in New York City for many years, he is still a British citizen.
GENE SIMMONS. The bassist and professional tongue-sticker-outer for the band KISS was born in Haifa, Israel, in 1949. His family moved to New York City when he was eight.
First telephone area code: 201 (for northern New Jersey).
JULIAN McMAHON. Fans might know him as Cole from the series Charmed, or as the womanizing Dr. Christian Troy on Nip/Tuck. Either way, he pulls off a perfect American accent—hiding the fact that he’s Australian. And he’s not just any Australian: He’s the son of former prime minister William McMahon, and is still an Australian citizen.
WILL ARNETT. Arnett became famous in 2003 playing George Oscar Bluth II on the Fox series Arrested Development. He was born in Toronto, Ontario. So was Michael Cera, who played George Michael Bluth. Portia de Rossi, who played Lindsay Bluth Fünke, is Australian.
THE ENTIRE CAST OF TRUE BLOOD. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but several members of the hugely popular Louisiana-set vampire series are not American. 1) The show’s star, Anna Paquin, who plays Sookie Stackhouse, was born in Canada in 1982, was raised in New Zealand, and moved to the United States in 1995; 2) Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, is English; 3) Ryan Kwanten, who plays Sookie’s older brother, Jason, is Australian; and 4) Alexander Skarsgård, who plays sheriff, bar owner, former Viking warrior, and vampire Eric Northman, is Swedish.
ANDREAS CORNELIS VAN KUJIK. Kujik was born in
Breda, the Netherlands, in 1909. He entered the United States illegally at the age of 20 and enlisted in the army—giving the name “Thomas Andrew Parker” and claiming to be from West Virginia. He was discharged during his second two-year stint, having been diagnosed with “Psychosis, Psychogenic Depression, Emotional Instability.” He worked as a carny for several years, then as a music promoter. When country singer Jimmie Davis, one of the early acts he promoted, was elected governor of Louisiana in 1944, Parker was made a colonel in the Louisiana State Militia and was henceforth known as “Colonel Tom Parker.” In 1955 he became the manager of an up-and-coming singer named…Elvis Presley. He stayed with Elvis until the King’s death in 1977, earning in excess of $100 million along the way. He died in 1997, never having become a American citizen.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise.” —Henry Ford
DIED IN THE CAN
Over the course of our lives we spend a total of about one year and seven months in the bathroom. Statistically speaking, it’s inevitable that some of us would have to take our final breaths in the throne room.
WENCESLAS III OF BOHEMIA (1289–1306)
Cause of death: Murder
Story: King Wenceslas III wasn’t the “Good King” in the Christmas carol—that was his great-grandfather. This Wenceslas became King of Hungary at age 12 (the kingdom was a gift from his father). He added King of Bohemia to his title four years later when his father died. But there were ruthless power struggles going on in both kingdoms, and young Wenceslas could not hold on. Within a year, the teen king was stabbed to death by one of his enemies while sitting on his garderobe, a primitive toilet common in castles during medieval times—often just a hole that discharged into the moat below. Sixteen-year-old Wenceslas had no children, which ended his family’s royal line.
JUDY GARLAND (1922–1969)
Cause of Death: Drug overdose
Story: The morning after a fight with her fifth husband, Mickey Deans, Garland was found dead of a barbiturate overdose, according to one obituary, “perched like a little bird” on her toilet. Three years earlier, comedian Lenny Bruce suffered a similar fate after overdosing on heroin in his bathroom.
THOMAS MERTON (1915–1968)
Cause of Death: Electrocution
Story: Thomas Merton was a Trappist monk and author of more than 70 books. In 1968, while attending an interfaith conference in Bangkok, Thailand, Merton had just stepped out of the shower in his hotel room, his feet still wet, and either tried to readjust the fan or slipped and fell against it. Either way, the fan’s wiring was faulty. When Merton didn’t show up to his scheduled events, a few of his fellow clergy broke into his room, smelled an unpleasant burning odor, and discovered Merton bruised, burned, and thoroughly dead. One of them nearly became the fan’s second victim when he tried to lift it from Merton’s body. When he touched it, he was thrown across the room—still clutching the fan—by the electrical force and was unable to let go of it until another monk climbed under a bed and unplugged it.
No can dew: In Canada, Mountain Dew is caffeine free.
ORVILLE REDENBACHER (1907–1995)
Cause of Death: Drowning in bathtub
Story: Before Redenbacher came along, popcorn was just popcorn. He introduced the idea of “gourmet popcorn” and charged more for it. After selling his company and retiring, the 88-year-old suffered a heart attack in his whirlpool bath. But the heart attack didn’t kill him directly—he slumped down below the water and drowned.
CLAUDE FRANÇOIS (1939–1978)
Cause of Death: Electrocution
Story: François was a powerhouse in the French music business. He made a fortune translating English-language hits into French, starting with “Belles! Belles! Belles!,” a cover of the Everly Brothers’ “Made to Love” in 1962. He moved on to Beatles songs, Motown hits, 1970s progressive rock, disco, and early Michael Jackson. Ironically, one of his few original songs, “Comme d’Habitude (As Usual),” was rewritten into English by Paul Anka and recorded by Frank Sinatra as “My Way.” One spring day at his Paris apartment, the 39-year-old singer/businessman was showering, preparing to appear on a TV show, when he noticed an electric light had burnt out above the shower. He probably should’ve turned off the shower and dried off before trying to change the bulb…
DON’T TIP THE BUCKET
After receiving hundreds of complaints about erratic driving, a bus company in China installed hanging pots of water inside each bus. If the drivers make quick turns or weave in and out of traffic, the water will spill out. Whichever driver ends the day with the most water in his bucket receives a bonus.
Elvis Presley always wore a helmet when watching football on TV.
DUMB JOCK CRIMES
We hold our athletes to a very high standard. And perhaps because they’re so physically amazing, we think they’re above doing really stupid things…like getting their picture taken with a bag of drugs, or offering police bribes of a billion dollars.
POWER PLAY
In March 2000, three security guards at The Mansion on Turtle Creek, a hotel in Dallas, responded to a noise complaint about a guest, Dallas Stars goaltender Eddie Belfour. The caller, an unidentified woman who was in the room with Belfour, told the guards that Belfour had become drunk, angry, and violent, and she feared for her safety. When three guards arrived and attempted to subdue him, Belfour reacted as i
f they were charging forward on an opposing team—he kicked two of them in the chest and spat in the other’s face. Thanks to a hefty dose of pepper spray, the guards apprehended Belfour. By the time the police arrived, the hockey player’s violent rampage had dwindled to pathetic pleading: “If you let me go,” he slurred, “I’ll give you a billion dollars!” The cops rejected the bribe and placed Belfour in the back of a squad car, where he puked all over himself. He received a $3,000 fine.
PICTURE IMPERFECT
In August 2009, Miami Heat forward Michael Beasley used his Twitter page to show off a picture of an elaborate tattoo he’d just gotten. The photo depicted Beasley’s back, decorated with the tattoo of angel wings and the words “Super Cool Beas” (“Beas” is his nickname). Also depicted in the photo: a plastic baggie containing a green, leafy substance. After a few readers pressed him on it over the next few days (he’d had frequent problems with the NBA, and the law, over drugs), Beasley closed the Twitter account and checked into a Houston drug treatment facility.
NAKED HUNGER
In August 2006, Detroit Lions defensive-line coach Joe Cullen was ordering food at a Detroit-area Wendy’s drive-through window. Police later pulled him over after receiving a call from Wendy’s—because Cullen was completely nude. A week later, Cullen was pulled over again by Detroit police. This time he had clothes on, but he was drunk. For the naked incident, he paid a $500 fine, for the drunk driving he paid a $300 fine, and for both he paid a $20,000 misconduct fine to the NFL. He’s still a defensive-line coach in the league, now working for the Jacksonville Jaguars.
One out of every five traffic accidents is fatigue-related.
Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ Page 23