Cheers! —Chris
Sunscreens rated higher than SPF 30 don’t provide extra protection against UV rays.
IT’S A CONSPIRACY!
If you know anybody who believes in these wacky theories, please send them our way. (We have a bridge we’d like to sell them.)
CONSPIRACY THEORY: The NFL fixed the 2001–02 season so that the New England Patriots could win the Super Bowl. Reason: The league wanted to use the “Patriots” to cash in on a post-9/11 wave of American nationalism.
THE STORY: The Patriots finished the 2000–01 season with a dismal 5–11 record. The following year, they somehow improved to 11–5 and won their division. With two minutes left in their first playoff game, they trailed the Oakland Raiders 10–13. The Pats had the ball…and quarterback Tom Brady fumbled it. But the referees had instructions to make sure the Patriots won, so they ruled that because Brady tucked the ball into his body and his arm was moving forward, it was an incomplete pass, not a fumble. The Patriots retained possession. A few plays later, Patriots placekicker Adam Vinatieri made a game-tying field goal from 50 yards out…aided by a helium-filled ball that the NFL provided to enhance the ball’s flight. The Pats won the game and went all the way to the Super Bowl, which they won with another helium-assisted field goal.
THE TRUTH: Although it is rarely invoked, the “tuck rule” is real. As for the lighter-than-air football, tests show that helium-filled balls don’t travel any farther than air-filled balls. The real reason for the Pats’ rapid turnaround? Tom Brady improved after his rookie year in 2000. He led the Patriots to two more Super Bowl titles.
CONSPIRACY THEORY: Singer Bob Marley was a voice for
political change in Jamaica. But when he opposed a puppet government, he was murdered…by George H. W. Bush’s son Neil Bush.
THE STORY: In 1980 the U.S.-backed International Monetary Fund was offering loans to Third World governments. Jamaican president Michael Manley turned it down because he thought it would make him a puppet of American business interests and the CIA. The CIA was furious, so it worked with American-born Jamaican politician Edward Seaga to force Manley out of office. But an outspoken critic of the IMF plan was Jamaica’s other most influential voice: Bob Marley. One night as Marley slept, two of Seaga’s goons went to the singer’s home in Kingston and shot him. But he didn’t die—he went to a mountain retreat to recuperate, where he was interviewed by a reporter from Rolling Stone. When Marley’s manager called the magazine a few days later, editors told him they hadn’t sent a reporter. So who had been there? Neil Bush, CIA operative and son of former CIA director George Bush. While Marley was asleep, Bush injected him with a syringe of “something,” and a few months later, in May 1981, Marley died at age 36 of cancer.
“Dord” appeared in the dictionary for 5 years before anyone realized there is no such word.
THE TRUTH: Manley rejected the IMF loan, but he wasn’t overthrown—his party simply lost power in 1980. As for Marley, he was diagnosed with cancer far earlier, in 1977, and died four years later. He was never shot and never went to a mountain retreat, so he never had a chance to “get” cancer from Neil Bush.
CONSPIRACY: Matt Damon and Ben Affleck didn’t write the Oscar-winning script for their career-launching film Good Will Hunting. Oscar-winning screenwriter William Goldman did.
THE STORY: In 1996 two out-of-work actors, Damon and Affleck, wrote a violent, action-packed screenplay about a poor Boston kid who’s really a math genius and gets caught up in a spy ring. It was terrible, but Miramax producers realized that a movie written by two handsome and charismatic lead actors, even if they were unknown, was marketing gold. So Miramax hired William Goldman to anonymously write a new script—a quiet, sensitive piece about a poor, troubled math genius who worked as a janitor at Harvard. Good Will Hunting made more than $100 million for Miramax and won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for Damon and Affleck. (And Goldman was paid millions in hush money.)
THE TRUTH: Damon and Affleck wrote the script with parts for themselves because they couldn’t get acting work. The first draft was action-oriented, but it also contained most of the math subplot and emotional torment that ended up in the film. The source of the Goldman rumor: Producer Rob Reiner, who had the rights to the script before Miramax, asked Goldman to read the script and offer his opinion. He suggested dropping the spy stuff and concentrating on the human drama. So they did. Goldman himself denies he’s the author, saying, “People just don’t want to think those two cute guys wrote it.”
In 2010 Edmonton, Alberta, introduced recycle bins that sing a blues song about recycling.
NEOLOGISMS
The term neologism comes from the Greek neo (“new”) and logos (“word”). Here are some recent additions to English, and where they came from.
DOWNSIZE: The term was adopted by companies in the early 1980s, but it was actually coined during the energy crisis of 1975, when U.S. automakers were forced to curtail the manufacture of giant gas guzzlers and “downsize” their cars.
WIKI: In 1994 programmer Ward Cunningham was developing new Web software that would allow anyone to edit a site’s content. While on a Hawaiian vacation, he took a wiki wiki shuttle bus. Wiki wiki means “quick,” so he called the software “WikiWikiWeb.” Wiki software now powers scores of wiki websites. “Wiki” entered the dictionary in 2007.
GAYDAR: It’s unknown who coined this term for the supposed ability to discern whether a person is homosexual, but it first showed up in print in a 1982 article in the Village Voice.
BLING: Rapper Lil Wayne claims he invented this term for “gaudy jewelry,” but it predates him. In the early 1990s, comedian Martin Lawrence often made fun of 1970s Ultra Brite toothpaste commercials which promised to “give your smile (ping!) sex appeal!” Lawrence substituted “bling” for “ping.” The term went mainstream thanks to a popular 1999 song called “Bling Bling” by New Orleans rapper BG. “Bling” was added to the dictionary in 2003.
BLOGOSPHERE: Coined as a joke in 1999 by blogging pioneer Brad Graham: “Oy! That name! ‘Blog’!” he wrote in his blog. “Goodbye, cyberspace. Hello blogiverse! Blogmos? Blogosphere?”
CRINGEWORTHY: This adjective for a person or action that causes extreme embarrassment was invented in 1972 by Leo Baxendale in his popular British comic strip The Bash Street Kids. A new student in class, Cuthbert Cringeworthy, was such a know-it-all that none of the other kids wanted to be near him.
DUH: First uttered in a 1943 Bugs Bunny cartoon, “Jack Wabbit and the Beanstalk,” when the dimwitted giant announces, “Duh! Well, he can’t outsmart me, ’cause I’m a moron!”
Bullock County, Alabama, was named for Sandra Bullock’s ancestors.
ODD MUSICALS
For every great idea that gets turned into a musical (fiddlers on roofs, poor girls transformed into fair ladies, wagons getting painted), there are a bunch of nutty ideas that also get turned into musicals.
MUSICAL: High Fidelity (2006)
DETAILS: The 1997 Nick Hornby novel and the 2000 movie version are both about an immature, obscure-record-collecting music store owner who learns what it takes to be a man and have a serious relationship with a woman. Naturally, High Fidelity is a cult classic among young men and the obscure-music-obsessed. But these are generally not the kind of people who like show tunes or who are willing to pay $100 to see them performed on Broadway. And ironically, all the characters in High Fidelity are obsessive fans of obscure music who abhor mainstream pop music, including show tunes from musicals. The main character even throws a customer out of his store because he wants to buy “I Just Called to Say I Love You.” People who do like musicals hated this one, and so did the critics. Result: High Fidelity opened on Broadway in December 2006…and closed just ten days later.
MUSICAL: Taboo (2003)
DETAILS: In 2002 talk show host and musicals aficionado Rosie O’Donnell saw a show in London called Taboo. It was a minor hit there, but O’Donnell loved it, and immediately went to work on stag
ing a production in the U.S. She financed it herself, putting up $10 million to bring it to Broadway, where it opened in late 2003. Taboo is set in the gay London club scene of the early ’80s and the “New Romantic” pop music fad. One problem: The New Romantic style never really hit it big in the United States, except for Culture Club, the band fronted by Boy George, who co-wrote Taboo. Culture Club hadn’t had a hit in 20 years, but to attract their aging fans, Boy George was billed as the star of Taboo. Another problem: He played only a minor role; the character of “Boy George” was played by someone else. One more problem: Nearly all characters wore bondage-inspired costumes, and engaged in explicit sex, lurid violence, and overt drug use. Taboo barely stayed open for three months. O’Donnell lost every penny of her $10 million investment.
When you’re at rest, 15% of your blood is in your brain.
MUSICAL: The Fields of Ambrosia (1996)
DETAILS: It’s a love story set against the backdrop of post-World War I anti-German hostility. And two characters are executed on stage. And it’s a comedy! The plot: Gretchen, a German immigrant, is sentenced to death for a murder she probably didn’t commit. Jonas, the state executioner, falls in love with her and destroys the electric chair, hoping to delay the execution. No matter—they hang her instead. A few months later, the electric chair gets repaired and Jonas gets fried for trying to save Gretchen. End of play. The London Daily Mail called it “the biggest turkey, the floppiest flopperoo, the greatest slice of ham to hit the West End stage in years.” (If that wasn’t bad enough, a show about capital punishment is a very odd choice for England, a country where they don’t have the death penalty. It lasted for just three weeks.)
MUSICAL: Moby Dick (1992)
DETAILS: A dense novel that takes place largely in the thoughts of one character, who is far out at sea, chasing after a giant whale? Seems like a hard thing to put on a stage. But if anyone could do it, it was Cameron Mackintosh, the British producer best known for ultra-lavish productions based on classic literature. His two biggest hits: Les Miserables and The Phantom of the Opera. Moby Dick, however, wasn’t really based on the Herman Melville novel. It was about a group of wild Catholic school girls who try to save their school from bankruptcy by staging a performance of Moby Dick in a swimming pool. The show was not an epic, grand spectacle like Mackintosh’s other work. It was really a raunchy, awkwardly funny burlesque show. The mostly-female cast wore swimsuits most of the time, the dialogue was loaded with dirty puns built around the words “Moby Dick,” and the Captain Ahab character, written for a woman, was played by a male actor in drag. Moby Dick closed after four months on the London stage.
Knights who died during the Crusades were buried with their legs crossed.
“MIND OVER MATTRESS”
Jane Ace is one of the unsung stars of the golden age of radio. From 1930 until 1945 she appeared in Easy Aces, a comedy about a real estate agent and his wife. Much of the show’s humor revolved around the crazy situations Jane got into, and her unparalleled gift for mangling the English language. She may be largely forgotten today, but some of the malaprops she made famous on the show are still in use.
“Hopefully we’ll be more combatable.”
“Neatness is next to cleanliness.”
“I was sound awake all night.”
“You’re making a mountain out of Mohammed.”
“I must get her out of my cistern.”
“I’m a member of the weeper sex.”
“We’re living in squander.”
“I don’t drink, I’m a totalitarian.”
“You’ve got the cards before the horse.”
“He talks with a Western drool.”
“You can’t judge a book by its lover.”
“I am his awful wedded wife.”
“Where’ve you been? Long face no see!”
“That used car wasn’t what it was jacked up to be!”
“Get thee behind me, satin!”
“I couldn’t do it of my own violation.”
“He went off half-crocked.”
“Here’s the whole thing in a nuthouse.”
“I don’t like to cast asparagus.”
“Stop shouting yourself horse in the face!”
“Be it ever so hovel, there’s no place like home!”
“I don’t like your altitude!”
“You look ravenous in that sweater.”
“I want your candied opinion.”
“She got rid of all her exhibitions.”
“He told her what makes her thick.”
“Time wounds all heels.”
“Truth is stranger than friction.”
“You’re as pale as a goat!”
“Birds of a father flock together.”
“Make up a story out of whole wheat.”
“The word ‘birthday’ is tattoo around here!”
Over tall buildings? Superman’s birthday is February 29th, Leap Day.
HIS ROTUNDITY
Recently, we’ve had “Tricky Dick,” “Slick Willie,” “Shrub,” and “Nobama,” which are pretty tame compared to some of these other mean nicknames for American presidents.
Little Jemmy: James Madison was the shortest president, just 5'4" (average height of a male American at the time: 5'8"), which explains the “little.” “Jemmy” was a nickname commonly given to children and babies named James (like Jimmy). The name implied that Madison was a toddler, and not a man.
General Mum: Gen. William Henry Harrison, hero of the Battle of Tippecanoe, was elected in 1840 and died after only a month in office. He caught a cold while delivering a three-hour inaugural address in freezing temperatures; the cold developed into pneumonia, which killed him. Ironically, his nickname during the election campaign was “General Mum” because, like any savvy politician, he avoided addressing any definitive opinions on controversial issues.
His Accidency: When William Henry Harrison died, Vice President John Tyler ascended to the presidency.
The Negro President: Given to Thomas Jefferson following the election of 1800, which he won thanks to “the three-fifths compromise,” which counted slaves as ⅗ of a human being for population purposes. That, in turn, gave greater representation to slaveholding states in determining electoral vote distribution, allowing Jefferson to defeat New Englander John Adams.
The Fainting General: While fighting in the Mexican-American War in 1848, future president Franklin Pierce was on a horse when it was startled by exploding artillery. The horse tossed him forward onto the pommel of his saddle, which was driven into his groin. The injury was so painful that Pierce fainted and remained passed out, lying on the battlefield for the rest of the day.
Queen Victoria in Riding Breeches: Rutherford B. Hayes, and his wife “Lemonade” Lucy Hayes, were ardent teetotalers. It wasn’t very macho for a man to abstain from alcohol—or smoking, as Hayes also did—earning him this emasculating nickname. (The “riding breeches” are because he was a horseback soldier in the Civil War.)
Lowest governor’s salary: Maine ($70,000). Highest: California ($206,500).
The Walrus: Chester Alan Arthur sported a large handlebar mustache, and he was fairly overweight, both of which made him look like…a walrus.
Uncle Jumbo: It’s a fat joke. By the time he was running for reelection in 1892, Grover Cleveland’s weight had risen to 250 pounds. Some newspapers called him “Uncle Jumbo.” Others favored “The Stuffed Prophet” and “The Elephantine Economist.”
His Rotundity: Another fat joke. It’s what detractors called the overweight second president, John Adams, who was also accused of being pompous. (When Washington was president, Adams proposed calling him “His Majesty” or “His High Mightiness.”)
Ronnie Raygun: President Ronald Reagan proposed the multibillion dollar weapons defense system called the Strategic Defense Initiative, which would use orbiting structures in space to shoot down Soviet-launched nuclear missiles. SDI was perceived as so bizarre and impractical that it was called “
Star Wars,” earning Reagan this sci-fi nickname.
President Hardly: A play on the name of Warren G. Harding, and his work ethic—he reportedly left most of the day-to-day work of his office to advisers.
Kid Gloves: Benjamin Harrison suffered from various skin problems, particularly infections on his hands, and often wore gloves during the frequent outbreaks. Other nickname: “The Human Iceberg” because, although he was a gifted orator, he tended to be cold and aloof in person.
That Man in the White House: Some of Barack Obama’s loudest opponents suggested he wasn’t actually born in the U.S.; George W. Bush’s opponents labeled him “Commander-in-Thief” after the disputed 2000 election. Similarly, some Republicans referred to Franklin Roosevelt as “that man in the White House” because they were so disgusted with his social-welfare agenda that they couldn’t even bring themselves to say his name.
Pound for pound, women can absorb 30% more alcohol into their system than men.
ESPERANTO, PARTO DU
Esperanto—the most successful made-up language in history—is much easier to learn than most “natural” languages. So why don’t more people speak it? Here’s Part II of the story. (Part I is on page 195.)
TALK SOUP
When L. L. Zamenhof’s Unua Libro introduced Esperanto to the world in 1887, the time seemed ripe for what the language had to offer. Railroads, steamships, the telegraph, transatlantic cables, and other inventions of the Industrial Revolution were remaking the world and bringing people closer together. A person who might otherwise have lived their entire life without ever leaving their village could now travel the world in ease and comfort, at a price that was within reach of just about everyone.
Standardization was also the order of the day: Many countries around the world had already abandoned their traditional systems of weights and measures in favor of a new international standard, the metric system. They would soon begin setting their clocks according to a single standard, too: Greenwich Mean Time. To many people it seemed like just a matter of time before the world adopted a single international “auxiliary” language that people could speak when traveling or conducting business abroad, to save the trouble of having to master German, Swedish, Arabic, Hindi, Cantonese, and Swahili. Why not Esperanto?
Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ Page 33