Wives & Mothers

by Whitmee, Jeanne

  ‘Bloody bored.’ Zoe threw aside her book. ‘Got that thing from the woman with the library trolley. The most fatuous rubbish I’ve ever read. I’ll be glad to get this damned op’ over with and get back to my work.’

  ‘Of course you will. Any idea how long you’re likely to be in?’

  ‘I daresay they’ll be glad to get rid of me as soon as they can.’ Zoe looked up with a wry smile. ‘I’m already making a sodding nuisance of myself. I expect you know that I might not get over it completely?’

  Elaine caught her breath. ‘Zoe, don’t say that.’

  ‘Why not? It has to be faced.’ She laid a hand on Elaine’s arm. ‘Don’t look like that, my dear. I’ve had a damned good innings — and we all have to go sometime. If they can put me right — fine. If not, well, fair enough.’

  ‘Please, Zoe...’ Elaine swallowed hard. ‘I wish you wouldn’t...’

  ‘Sorry, love.’ Zoe squeezed her hand. ‘I know I’m a bit too blunt at times. I’ve had longer than everyone else to come to terms with it.’ She smiled wryly. ‘It was almost a relief in a way, having it confirmed.’

  ‘You knew? But why didn’t you tell anyone before?’

  ‘I suppose I tried to ignore it for a while. Kidded myself that it might just go away.’ She shrugged. ‘What was the point of worrying everyone? That’s not my style. You know how I hate fuss.’

  ‘But if they’d got it sooner...’ Elaine bit her lip, but Zoe just smiled.

  ‘They’ll do what they can. The consultant seemed quite optimistic. Now let’s talk about something else. What about you? Are you definitely divorcing Paul?’

  Elaine nodded. ‘It’s all in the hands of a solicitor. Paul won’t contest, so everything is in progress.’

  Zoe settled herself more comfortably. ‘That’s good news.’ She looked intently at Elaine. ‘Tricia wrote to me, such a happy letter. She told me about how she found your father playing the piano for auditions or something, and brought him home to play at one of your weddings. Got him and your mother on to speaking terms again.’ Elaine nodded. ‘That’s right.’

  ‘You don’t seem too thrilled about it.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Dare one ask why?’

  ‘He’s bad news, Zoe. He let us down all those years ago. I’m afraid he might hurt Mother all over again.’

  ‘Surely that’s not very likely after all this time?’

  Elaine looked down at her hands. ‘I’ve never told anyone this before, but 1 wrote to him once — it was when I was in my teens and very unhappy. I asked to see him again. He never even replied.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘No, you don’t.’ Elaine looked up with accusing eyes. ‘You think I’m just nursing a childish grudge, but I’m not.’

  ‘Maybe there was a good reason for his not replying,’ Zoe said. ‘Maybe he never even got your letter.’

  ‘And maybe he just didn’t want to know.’

  ‘So you won’t see your father? And you’re avoiding Patrick too, aren’t you? I quite thought you’d try to get in touch with him after your separation.’

  Elaine shook her head. ‘I’m not deliberately avoiding him, Zoe. It’s just that I can’t handle anything else at the moment. I just want to get the divorce over with and have some peace.’

  ‘And the future?’ Zoe asked. ‘You’re still young — and very attractive.’

  ‘There’s the business. From now on I intend to put all my energy into that.’

  Zoe took in Elaine’s tight-lipped expression. ‘Ah, yes, of course. The business.’

  Her whimsical tone brought Elaine’s eyes up to meet hers. ‘I’ve decided that in the end the business is my best bet, Zoe,’ she said. ‘At least I’m in control of that.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just no good at relationships. I seem to have wasted my own life and everyone else’s, trying to make them work. Maybe I should steer clear of people.’

  ‘You and I both know that isn’t true.’ Zoe squeezed her hand tightly. ‘None of us can do without people. Each one we meet as we go through life brings out a small facet of our personality. Some bring out the worst — show us the darker side that none of us likes to admit we have. Others, the ones we love, bring out the best. But the more people, the more facets to make us sparkle. Like a finely cut diamond.’

  Elaine smiled wryly. ‘How philosophical. You make life sound so simple.’

  Zoe chuckled. ‘I can tell by the way you’re looking at me that you think I’m a bit batty, waxing lyrical like that. Maybe I’m a little high on the dope they’re shoving into me. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that nothing is actually wasted unless you let it be. Even the most arid relationship tells us something about ourselves - shows us our faults and weaknesses. We can learn from that, build on it. If we choose to.’

  Elaine was silent for a moment. ‘It’s too late in my case,’ she said at last.

  Zoe laughed softly. ‘Of course it isn’t. It’s never too late. Ask your mother.’

  Elaine looked thoughtful. ‘I sometimes wonder what our lives would have been like if my parents had stayed together.’

  Zoe shrugged. ‘Who can tell?’

  ‘I wouldn’t have come to live in Cambridge — wouldn’t have known Alison and started HEA. Wouldn’t have known you and Red and...’

  ‘And Patrick?’

  ‘And Patrick wouldn’t have known me. Maybe I messed up his life too.’

  ‘Patrick’s marriage would never have worked, if that’s what you mean,’ Zoe put in. ‘Cathryn was never right for him. At heart it was always you, Elaine, whether he knew it or not.’ She leaned back against her pillows, looking suddenly tired and drawn.

  Elaine stood up. ‘I’ve tired you. I’ll go now. You must get your rest.’

  Zoe reached out her hand. ‘You’ll come again afterwards — if there is an afterwards, won’t you?’

  ‘Of course I will.’ Elaine bent to kiss her. ‘And I’ll be thinking about you all day tomorrow. You’ll be fine, I know you will.’

  *

  Tricia flung herself through the door of the flat, pulled off her coat and threw it into a chair. Tracey looked at her, one eyebrow raised.

  ‘Oh dear, I know that look,’ she said. ‘Do I take it that the music lesson didn’t go too well?’ she asked mildly.

  Tricia growled. ‘Aaagh! That man. He’s an arrogant, self-opinionated, rude...’

  ‘Brilliant musician — as you’re always telling me,’ Tracey finished for her.

  ‘I must have been stark, staring mad to agree to let him tutor me.’

  Tracey laughed. ‘As bad as that, eh?’

  ‘Worse. Do you know, he had that woman in the flat? She must have heard every insulting word he said to me. She even made coffee for us — came calmly waltzing in with the tray. A big smile on her ravishing bloody face.’

  ‘What woman is this?’ Tracey asked.

  ‘The one he brought to the Lizard that night — the one with the dramatic black hair and the flashing eyes. Oh, Tracey, it was awful. I can’t go there again. I just can’t.’

  ‘So that’s the end of the concert career, is it?’

  Tricia was silent, chewing at a thumb nail as she remembered the morning’s humiliation. ‘The rotten thing is, if I give up now he’ll say I’ve no guts,’ she said. ‘He said it would be hell. Now I know he wasn’t kidding.’

  ‘So what are you going to do?’

  Tricia stood for a moment, her shoulders slumped as she stared out of the window, then suddenly she straightened up and took a deep breath. Pulling her case towards her she opened it and drew out a sheet of music. ‘I’m going to practise,’ she said firmly. ‘Tomorrow I’m going to be so damned good he won’t be able to find a single fault. That’s what I’m going to do.’

  *

  Elaine was about to break for lunch at the office the following morning when Red telephoned.

  ‘Elaine, it’s all over. Zoe’s through her operation. I’ve just sp
oken to Blake-Thomas, her consultant.’

  ‘Yes? What did he say?’

  ‘He was cautiously optimistic,’ he told her. ‘We’ll have to keep our fingers crossed — wait and see. She’ll have to be carefully monitored over the next twelve months, but he’s fairly sure he’s cracked it.’

  ‘Oh, Red, I’m so glad. Have you seen her? When can I go?’

  ‘I’m ringing from the hospital now. I’ve already seen her. She came round from the anaesthetic but now she’s asleep. She’ll be in intensive care for a couple of days. I’ll let you know when you can go.’

  ‘I’ll tell Alison. She’ll be so pleased. Is there anyone else you’d like me to contact for you?’

  There was a pause, then he said: ‘Could you ring the boys for me? If you’ve got a pencil, I’ll give you their numbers. I want to be there beside her when she wakes up, you see.’

  ‘Of course, Red. Leave it to me. And let me know if there’s anything else.’ Elaine scribbled down the numbers he gave her and found suddenly that her eyes were full of tears. Coming into the room a moment later Alison saw them and stopped short.

  ‘Elaine?’

  ‘That was Red.’

  ‘Oh, God — Aunt Zoe. It’s not bad news if it?’

  ‘No. Zoe’s going to be all right,’ Elaine assured her, swallowing the lump in her throat. ‘At least, things are looking hopeful so far.’

  ‘Oh, thank God for that.’ Alison drew up a chair.‘Elaine — maybe this isn’t the right time to bring this up, but I have something to tell you and I want to do it before my nerve fails.’ She paused, eyeing Elaine apprehensively. ‘Robert and I are engaged. We plan to get married at Christmas.’

  ‘Oh, Alison, that’s great.’ Elaine got up and went to hug her, but Alison held her at arms’ length. ‘Wait — you might not feel quite so pleased when I tell you the rest. Robert has been offered a very good job in Canada. Toronto. They want him to start in the New Year, but of course I won’t leave till you’ve found a suitable replacement for me...’ She stopped, dismayed at the look on Elaine’s face. ‘Oh dear, you’re shocked.’

  ‘No. I’m pleased for you, of course. It’s lovely news. And you must go with Robert when he starts his new job. Don’t worry about the business. Everything runs smoothly nowadays. And Mum will always help out in an emergency.’

  Alison looked relieved. ‘Are you really sure? I feel I’m leaving you in the lurch. After all, the business was always a joint venture and it’s meant so much to us both.’

  ‘Life comes first though.’ Elaine said, remembering Zoe’s words. ‘And people. You and Robert are perfect for each other. You really deserve to be happy, Alison, and I couldn’t be happier for you both.’ She paused for a moment. ‘There is a favour you could do for me though.’

  ‘Please — just say the word.’

  ‘You couldn’t find a corner for me at your place this weekend, could you?’

  Alison looked puzzled. ‘Isn’t it this weekend that your father is coming to stay?’

  ‘That’s right. But I’d rather not be around. Could you possibly put me up for a couple of nights?’

  ‘Robert has to go up to London this weekend, to finalise arrangements. I had planned to go with him, but of course you’re welcome to stay at the flat.’ She paused. ‘Tell me to mind my own business if you like, but don’t you think you should be around — for your mother’s sake?’

  ‘Why?’

  Alison shrugged. ‘Well, as support, chaperone, whatever. She’s bound to be nervous.’

  Elaine shook her head. ‘Don’t you believe it. She can hardly wait... She’s like a teenager going on her first date. No, I’d prefer to stay at the flat, if that’s all right?’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure that’s what you really want...’

  ‘It is.’ Elaine’s face was tight and closed and she busied herself with tidying her desk, refusing to meet Alison’s eyes.

  ‘Look, Elaine, if your mother is prepared to let bygones be bygones...’

  ‘That’s her affair,’ Elaine said abruptly. ‘She may be prepared to forget the way he behaved, I’m not. I want nothing to do with him.’

  ‘Isn’t that a little hard on your mother?’

  Elaine looked up at her friend. ‘It’s up to her. She must do as she chooses. I have my own life to live and I’ve made up my mind that it won’t include my father again — ever.’

  When Alison had left for lunch Elaine rang Grace. After she had passed on the news about Zoe she said: ‘Oh, and by the way, I’ll be away this weekend. Alison is going away and I said I’d keep an eye on the flat. Anyway, I have some work to catch up with.’

  There was a small silence at the other end, then Grace said: ‘All right, dear, just as you like. You must do whatever you think. I understand.’

  Ringing off, Elaine sat thinking for some minutes. Everything around her seemed to be changing. Her divorce; Zoe’s illness; her father’s reappearance; and now Alison’s bombshell. It felt as though life was caving in on her. People were moving on, leaving her behind. Maybe it was time she moved on too. But where to — and to what?

  She remembered the two calls she had promised to make and pulled the pad towards her. She dialled Tom’s number first. It was his home number and his wife answered. Elaine gave her the message, asked after the children and made polite small-talk, then rang off. For some minutes she sat staring at the other number — Patrick’s. Although she heard news of him from Zoe, it was years since they had actually been in touch. It would be strange, hearing his voice again. She lifted the receiver and dialled the London code.

  Patrick’s secretary answered.

  ‘I’m sorry but Mr Carne is lecturing at the moment.’

  Elaine felt weak with a mixture of disappointment and relief as she passed Red’s message on.

  ‘That’s good news,’ the girl said pleasantly, ‘I’ll see that he gets it as soon as possible, of course. But I happen to know he’s planning to drive up to Cambridge this evening anyway.’

  When she put the receiver down Elaine found that her hands were shaking. Patrick would be here this evening. It was quite likely that she’d see him tomorrow. Now that they were both free again, now that there was nothing to stop them being together, were her feelings for him still the same? There was no need to ask. The clamour in her heart at the thought of seeing him again answered the question for her.

  *

  ‘It’s no use, I’ll never get the hang of calling you Grandad,’ Tricia laughed. ‘It’s got to be Harry or nothing.’

  ‘Make it Harry then. I don’t think I could bear to be called “Nothing”.’

  They were having lunch together in a wine bar in The Strand. On the weekend of the wedding they had made a standing arrangement to meet there every Wednesday to have lunch and share their news. Today Tricia had poured out all her woes, but Harry had refused to take them seriously.

  ‘I get the distinct impression that you’re a bit of a masochist when it comes to music,’ he said. ‘Come on now, admit it. You’d much rather have someone who pulls no punches than a wimp who’d be soft with you.’

  She pulled a face. ‘We-ell — I suppose so,’ she said grudgingly. ‘It’s just that he’s so rude. I can’t seem to do anything right at the moment. I practised the Schubert really hard all week and then when I played it for him he laughed — laughed, Harry. Said if he hadn’t laughed he’d have had to cry. Can you imagine how that made me feel?’

  Harry hid a smile. He’d already guessed that Tricia was more used to praise than criticism. Her doting mother and grandmother — perhaps even the teachers at St Cecilia’s — had made her feel she had a special talent, which she did. But Harry knew Max Crichton wasn’t in the business of dishing out compliments. Nothing but perfection would do for him, and he’d get it — even if he had to batter it out of her. At the moment he was treating her like a high-spirited young colt — breaking her in.

  ‘He must have great faith in your ability,’ he said quietly.


  ‘How can you say that?’ Tricia wailed. ‘Sometimes I think he feels I’m absolutely hopeless.’

  ‘Would he bother with you at all if he really thought that? Would he even have given you a job in the orchestra?’

  ‘Perhaps not.’

  ‘Well then. Come on, cheer up and have another of those fizzy drinks you’re so fond of. What’s it called, a spritzer?’

  ‘Thanks, Harry. You always cheer me up. What would I do without you?’

  He grinned at her, inordinately proud of his beautiful and talented granddaughter. ‘You know, I still can’t get over finding you. It’s a miracle. One I don’t deserve.’

  She touched his hand. ‘When are you and Gran seeing each other again?’

  His face suddenly grew serious. ‘I’m going to Cambridge at the weekend.’

  ‘You’re nervous, aren’t you?’ She peered into his eyes. ‘Don’t be. Gran’s the loveliest person I know.’

  ‘She hasn’t much reason to think kindly of me.’

  ‘Do you know, when I was a little girl she was always talking to me about you,’ she told him. ‘To hear her talk, you were all the most brilliant musicians the world has ever known, all rolled up into one.’

  He stared at her. ‘She said that — about me?’

  She pursed her lips, her head on one side. ‘Mmm, implied rather than said. She always said I got my musical talent from you.’

  ‘What else did she tell you?’ he asked warily.

  ‘I know about the break-up — and Stella Rainbow. But it was all a very long time ago now, wasn’t it?’

  He smiled wryly. ‘To you it’s history, something that happened to two other people long before you were born. To us — to your grandmother and me — it’s still comparatively recent. I left her, Tricia. And I left your mother. Just at the time when they both needed me.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m not sure if your mother will ever truly understand or forgive me for that.’

  ‘She’ll come round.’ Tricia looked thoughtful for a moment, then she said: ‘Mummy hasn’t had an easy time. You know of course that she’s divorcing Dad?’ He nodded. ‘They’ve never been happy together, so it’s probably just as well.’ Tricia looked at him for a moment, wishing she could tell him the rest. But she had promised to keep it to herself. It seemed all wrong. Families shouldn’t have secrets from each other.