"Fawn, I'm not a man who is great with words," Jax said, drawing her out of her thoughts. "Any person who knows me well can attest to that. But…"
"But?" Fawn's brows furrowed.
"It's just…You're more than a robot." Jax stared at her intensely. "You've been more than a robot to anyone you've ever met. There is only so much a microchip can do. You've surpassed my design into something more. You're transcendent."
"I have spent weeks wondering who I am, but now that I know, I hate the answer," Fawn whispered. "You can tell me I'm more than a robot, but in the end, that's all I'll ever be. I'm no better than a TV or a toaster or a refrigerator. Sure, they're helpful to have around, but if I break, another model exactly like me can be made in an instant. I'm not special. I'm not like a human with a billion different genomes. I don't have a soul. Do you know how much that hurts?"
Jax's frown grew even deeper and she could see his heart breaking. "That isn't true…"
"It is true." Fawn stood up and stared down at him. "Now I know what I am, I can't…I can't…function like I once did. Your wife was right in doing what she did the night that Ark came. You never should have made something like me. We're an atrocity to nature."
"Give it time." Jax's voice was gruff.
She was defiant. She didn't want to give it time. That meant more minutes spent hurt. It meant wanting to gouge out her heart for endless, long days. It meant she may have to see Gavin. Not being able to be near him would be the equivalent of jumping into a pool of acid. No. She wanted it to end right now.
“No.” Her jaw was tense. “I'm done. This is over.”
"Then what would you have me do to fix this? It wasn't supposed to be this way." Jax's stood up too, staring down at her. "You're already here."
Fawn didn't hesitate. "I want you to take me apart and promise you'll never make anything like me again."
Jax stared at her for a moment Fawn thought he planned to fight her wishes. She could see desperation in his eyes.
"Okay." Jax blew out a sigh. "But in return, you have to do something for me first."
Many words tumbled around in her mind. She wanted to scream, "I don't owe you anything." But the anger had a more powerful rival emotion. Love. If love could even be felt by a machine. She sighed then nodded her head. What was one last favor on the route to destruction?
"Wait a week," Jax said.
Though she thought she was mentally incapable of feeling any more shock, she'd been wrong. Surprise crushed her in strong arms. Intense. Sudden. Rapid. She wondered whether she could tear out her own emotion chip because that would make this so much easier to deal with.
"Why a week?" Fawn stared at him. "That's ridiculous."
"If you're set on your ways, then will a week matter?" Jax glared back at her.
Jax held her gaze for a long time. She wasn't sure whether it was the intenseness of his stare, but she was the first to break away. For a second time, she nodded. Jax was right, anyway. If she was set on her ways, then a week wouldn't matter.
****
Fawn and her parents drove home. The crushing weight of the silence left Fawn to drown in her emotions She could never erase the fact her feelings were not real. They were fake. Programmed. The fact she was nothing more than some other man's creation made her blood boil. Her parents' dishonesty lit her heart aflame too. But maybe it was time to forgive them. She was a machine, after all. It wasn't like they expected Shirley Temple. And soon their lives would return to normal. Without her.
Her dad parked in the space directly in front of the building. Fawn opened the door first and stepped onto the asphalt. Both of her parents got out of the car. Her dad reached out to touch her arm, but she danced away from him. She didn't want the comfort of his touch. Her mom's either. Their warmth would help, but that was exactly why she didn't want it. She didn't want another reminder of what wasn't real.
Her parents glanced at each other with deep frowns painted on their faces. Her dad walked toward the door of the building and went inside. She followed behind him. The three of them mutely went up the stairs together, avoiding each other's gazes like it was some sort of game. She was grateful for that. It would make the next week, which held the promise of apocalyptic agonies, all the more easier.
Just as her dad walked to their apartment and put his key in the lock, the sound of Gavin's door opening caused her head to turn. Gavin stood at the threshold of his door, pale faced and quivering. Fawn thought finding out she wasn't even real was the worst moment of her life. She'd been wrong. What was the worst moment was staring straight into Gavin's blue eyes and knowing all of the emotions, all of the sweet hopes she held for the two of them, was a lie. Gavin stepped toward her. She longed to fly into his arms and hug him tight and tell him everything. But if he knew what she was, he wouldn't want anything to do with her. It was one thing to have a crazy family or to have an OCD quirk. It was another thing to be a robot.
"Fawn?" Gavin whispered. "Are you okay?"
Fawn shook her head, placed her hand over her mouth to keep from calling his name in desperation, and rushed for the door the moment her dad managed to get it open. Her parents didn't follow her inside. She heard the sound of garbled talking in the hallway. She didn't know what her parents said to Gavin, but he didn't attempt to follow her into the apartment.
Chapter Fifteen
Fawn sat on her bed, staring straight ahead. She hadn’t left her room all day, nor did she have the intention to. She didn't do this to be sulky. She didn't even do this because she was angry. She did it because she was scared of wanting to stay alive, or as much as a machine could be alive. That just made the angry monster come back, dark and winding, consuming her heart with bloody, possessive claws. The boring, cream colored walls were a guarantee she was trapped in her own madness, but that was where she belonged.
Just as the ticking on the clock made her want to tear it from the wall so she didn't have to hear the sound anymore, there was a soft knock on her door. She didn't answer. She assumed it was her mom. After a minute, the door clicked open. It was not her mom. It was her dad. He was paler than she could ever remember seeing him and he appeared, if possible, thinner. He wrung his hands as he sat on the bed next to her.
"Fawn, don't do this," her dad said.
Fawn turned toward him. "Stay in my room?"
"You know what I mean. Don't make Jax destroy you. I love you. Delanee loves you." Her dad reached out and grabbed her arm. "Don't you see? You may have come to us because of money, but if you died now, we'd still get to keep it. I want you here because now you truly are my daughter. Delanee has been crying up a storm ever since Jax told her what you decided."
The guilt stung her heart. She reminded herself then that she didn't have a heart. All that made her function was the whirling of machinery. Greasy. Cold. Hard.
"It hurts too much," Fawn whispered. "If you removed the chip from my brain, I'd be nothing but a mindless drone. A vegetable. A nothing."
For a moment, her dad didn't say anything. There were only a handful of moments when her dad reminded her of Jax, but this was one of them. Fiery intensity burned beneath the surface of his eyes, glowing at her. Hot. Intense. Ready to burn her if he didn't have his way. Already she was melting beneath his forceful glare.
"Do you know what happens when one vein breaks inside the human brain?" her dad asked, face unchanging.
"Of course." Fawn was unsure of where he was going. "The person dies. It's called an aneurysm."
"The person dies or goes into a coma. They're a vegetable. An empty life form." Her dad squeezed her arm. "A human blood vessel is a heck of a lot smaller than any microchip and is a lot easier to damage."
Her dad released her arm, stood up, then turned toward the door. Fawn stared after him, trying to put together what he'd just said.
****
The next day, Fawn stared out the window of the living room and gazed down below. On the sidewalk, she saw a familiar man in a dark tuxedo pace in front o
f the building with a cell phone to his ear. The man sneered as he spoke. Suddenly, his face split into a massive, evil grin. The man stopped and gazed directly at her window. She attempted to conceal herself by ducking behind the wall.
Ark. That was Ark. She knew it because she'd seen him before. Somewhere. Of course he'd followed her. But it wasn't like it mattered now. After she was destroyed, Ark could never get his hands on her again. Then again, if he managed to capture her before Jax disassembled her…The thought threw her into panic. She never thought the idea of not dying would be what frightened her the most.
With a shudder, Fawn spared a glance out the window again and saw Ark turn away from her. A black town car, the type rich people drove, pulled up to the side of the road and idled. Ark didn't glance up at her window again. Instead he walked over to the car and got inside. The car wheeled out of the lot with a screech as Fawn gave a sigh of relief.
****
After her mom and dad came home from the grocery store, Fawn padded into the living room, wringing her hands. This would be the first time she faced them both together after their arrival at the apartment, but she didn't feel comfortable not telling them she'd seen Ark outside of the building. Even though there were only four days left until she was destroyed, she didn't want to see her parents hurt no matter how angry she was at them.
When her mom saw Fawn approach the table, her mouth formed a big grin and her eyes glistened with hope. Her dad's expression was speculative. When she didn't smile back, her mom stopped beaming and then let out a deep, depressed sigh. She was instantly hit with a tsunami of guilt so strong it had the potential to rip her off of her feet and send her flying into the wall with a thud.
"Mom, I saw Ark today," Fawn said. "He was outside the apartment."
Her dad's mouth dropped open and her mom's eyes bulged from her head as her massive chest heaved with concern.
"Did he come up here?" Her mom turned to scowl at her dad. "I knew we shouldn't have left her all alone, Oliver. Not now. Not like this."
Her dad ignored her mom's prodding and gazed at Fawn in worry and confusion. "And he didn't try to get to you? How odd…But we've been expecting…"
"He just looked at my window, then he got in a car and drove away." Fawn shrugged. "I don't know what he was after."
Silence fell. She turned away from her parents to head back to her room. Though she heard her mom call her name with a heartbroken tone, she didn't turn around to look at her. She knew what she would find—her mom's large, sad eyes gazing straight at her, pleading with her not to leave. She couldn't endure seeing that.
Chapter Sixteen
When Fawn went into the kitchen to get a can of oil to drink, she saw her mom standing at the counter. The woman loomed over a cutting board filled with red and yellow bell peppers that she chopped into centimeter long pieces. Her mom's eyes were swollen clams on her face and her cuts were sloppy and inattentive. When the woman met her eyes, she sniffled and then wiped her eyes on the back of her forearm. Fawn bit her bottom lip, but continued on her path to the refrigerator.
"Three more days," her mom said. "Haven't you changed your mind?"
Fawn paused but didn't answer. She figured that was all the response her mom needed. The woman continued to watch her, though like she could force Fawn to change her mind through brain power alone.
"I know you think this is the right thing to do, but…" Her mom paused. "Fawn, do you wonder what it will be like when you're shut off? Doesn't it scare you at all?"
Fawn reached the refrigerator, but as she opened it, she moved slower than normal. She searched through the vegetable drawer, though long lines of oil graced the top shelf in rows like soldiers on a battlefront.
"Do you wonder whether you'll go to heaven, or whether it will be pure blackness?" Her mom's eyes burned holes into her back.
The words made her heart drop like a rock. Darkness, she imagined, was what her end would be, regardless of whatever belief system her mom and dad had. Bleak blackness as far as the eye could see. Machines couldn't have souls. They were just inanimate objects. She was created by man and not by nature or whoever else was out there. But the idea her mom placed in her head did what it was likely intended to do—it made her afraid of the end.
Fawn finally grabbed her can of oil and slammed the door of the refrigerator shut.
"Fawn, you don't have to face that fate. Not now." Her mom reached for her arm. "Don't you understand? We love you. It doesn't matter what you are."
She accidentally squeezed her fist too tightly around her can of oil, and the top popped underneath the pressure and dark liquid splattered the previously immaculate white kitchen. The oil oozed down her face and dampened her hair. Some of it was even on her mom's rose colored t-shirt. Her mom stared at her wide-eyed with shock, though she didn't move to wipe at the dark stains on her clothes.
"Can I have the paper towels behind you?" Fawn stuck out her hand, refusing to address the previous questions.
"Fawn." Her mom didn't move to give her the paper towels. "Please. Just listen."
"I can't." Fawn gripped her head. "The last time I listened, I got all messed up. It's my fault for probing. It hurts, and I'm tired of hurting."
Her mom's eyes flashed. For the first time, Fawn saw genuine, intense anger in her eyes.
"Then you're taking the easy way out." Her mom's fists balled at her sides. "Do you think humans don't have times they want to end it? We all do. And you're the same. You're hurting, so you're using the fact you're a machine to protect yourself from feeling even more pain. The truth of the matter is it's the coward's way out, both for humans and for you."
If her mom pulled out a gun and pointed it to her head, it wouldn't have shocked Fawn as much as her words did. The bullet likely wouldn't have hurt as much either.
"That isn't true," Fawn whispered.
"It is true!" Her mom's eyes flashed. "When I was a little girl, I walked in on my dad cheating with the neighbor. I remember telling my mom and watching her die inside. I wanted to end it then because that would have been easier than facing the pain of what I knew. After Oliver started gambling and lost everything, I got so angry with him. The two of us fought so much all the time we almost got a divorce. The idea of facing that made me want to end it too. And that's exactly what you're doing. You heard something that hurt you, so now you're running away. But you can't—and shouldn't—do that."
"Stop it." Fawn shivered. "It's different."
"No, it isn't. Our feelings are the same. Yours emotions may be caused by a chip, but who cares as long as you're feeling them?" Her mom advanced on Fawn and shook her shoulders until her teeth clacked together. "You shouldn't end it because you don't know what will come in the future. My mom divorced my dad. After the heartache, she met a man who treated her one hundred times better than my dad ever did. She is so much happier now than she ever was with him. After all of my and Oliver's fighting, instead of getting divorced, we ended up finally sitting down and talking about everything. I learned so much about him I didn't know before, and vice versa. We actually opened our hearts to each other. There was a point to our suffering. I couldn't see why at the time, but when the clouds cleared, there was always a reason."
Fawn was drowning. "But I'm a machine!"
"Don't use that as an excuse," her mom said, but her voice softened. "Don't give up just because you have the option."
Her mom stepped forward, arms wide to embrace her, and Fawn could not take anymore. Her heart ached She knew she couldn't be hugged. Not now. With a cry of despair, she sprinted toward the door. She heard her mom yell, "Fawn!" but she didn't turn around. Instead she darted into the hallway and kept running. It felt as though she could have run forever. It didn't matter if Ark was after her. Right now she had an even deadlier opponent—herself.
****
Fawn ended up on the same bench she'd sat on the first day at the apartment. So much had changed since then. She kept turning the last couple of days over in her mind
. Her parents' words were on constant replay. They echoed, filling every last crevice of her mind. Was she truly being a coward? It was just there were so many things that could go wrong now. Gavin wouldn't want her when he found out what she was. Sure, she could hide it from him, but that would make her feel too guilty. She could never handle it. And she loved his friends. Being around people when she couldn't reveal what she truly was felt like betrayal. Real people who cared about each other didn't betray one another.
There was another glaring question. Was she ready to face nothingness? She was certain there was no heaven for her. Without her microchips, she was an empty shell. Before speaking to her mom, she'd always thought of the end as not feeling pain anymore, but was she ready to get rid of all of the good she saw around her to experience numbness? The idea hit her harder than a fist.
She, still unable to answer any of the questions, glanced over her shoulder at the apartment building. She knew she had to go back and face what she ran from. Her mom was right about one thing—she was hiding from her family, her emotions, and from Gavin. Slowly, she climbed to her feet and then trudged toward the building.
After Fawn opened the door, she went up the stairs to her apartment. She'd been too upset to bring her key, so she tried the knob to see if it was unlocked. Surprisingly, it was. Normally, her dad was pretty strong willed about making sure the door was locked at all times. Maybe he'd heard Fawn's fight with her mom and was too upset to check.
Fawn pushed open the door and stepped into the apartment. After she reached the kitchen, she stilled. Her mom and dad stood, pale faced, with Gavin at their side. Gavin held a dirty piece of paper in his hands. Eyes were red. Something was wrong.
The Mechanics of Being Human Page 11