There wasn’t much that could shove me over the edge of sobriety, but losing Maren when I’d just managed to get her might be it.
“Did you see this?” I looked up from my phone as Arrow tossed a magazine down in front of me. It hit the table with a thump. I looked between it and her in confusion, wondering why she was so riled up. Now that I’d been around her a bit when I spent time with Maren, I knew the young woman was very easygoing and unruffled. She seemed totally disinterested in the Hollywood machine. She was honestly only interested in what she could do to make Maren’s life easier. So, I doubted a salacious cover story about me and her boss would have her so heated.
They’d become commonplace since Maren and I decided to be an official couple. We never made a public announcement or had a PR team release a statement, but we didn’t deny that we were together when we did interviews. We no longer went to great lengths to avoid being photographed together or seen together. We went out to eat and spent time together exploring Vancouver when we had free time. We went back and forth between the condo and her rented townhouse. It seemed like every other week, there was a new story about us, accompanied by grainy pictures. So far, public opinion was that we made a really attractive couple, but Maren deserved better. No one thought what we had was going to last.
It was going to be hella fun proving them wrong.
I must not have answered quickly enough because Arrow leaned over my shoulder and furiously tapped the cover of the magazine with her index finger. “This guy is such a fucking asshole!”
I reached out and pulled the magazine closer, frowning when I saw Maren’s ex on the cover. Only it wasn’t a picture of him with his pretty, pregnant wife. Instead, it was a blurry photo of the former rockstar locked in a steamy embrace with a girl who didn’t even look old enough to vote.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. He did it again?” What a dirtbag. Ditching him was the best decision Maren had ever made. He undoubtedly would have hurt her over and over again.
He never deserved her.
Even before she was mine, I knew instinctively that I would have to treat her as if she was priceless and deserved the whole world. But seeing how thoughtless and clueless her ex was, it made me even more determined to not only be good to her at every turn, but to leave her with memories that would never haunt or harm her. Even if we did break up down the road, I didn’t want her to constantly remember things I’d done wrong. I wanted her to be proud that she was with me, the way I was honored to be with her.
I would be the best thing that had ever happened to her, regardless of what those shady Twitter polls said or how steep the odds were.
“Has Maren seen this?” I looked at Arrow over my shoulder as I asked the question. There was no question Maren was over her ex, but the story was bound to bring her back to a time in her life when she’s been the most vulnerable and defenseless. It was bound to make her uneasy.
“I don’t think so. She wasn’t feeling well during filming yesterday, and she looked a little green around the gills today. Unless it popped up on her phone or Lennon told her, I don’t think she would’ve come across it.” She made a face and reached up to push her colorful hair away from her face. “I should probably give her a heads-up so it doesn’t blindside her. I’m sure people will be dying to get a reaction from her since Erik left her for his new wife. It’s got nothing to do with her, but because she’s the most famous face in the scenario, the press will be hounding her all over again until they get some kind of reaction.”
I pushed away from the table and climbed to my feet. “Don’t worry about Maren. She’s tough, and I’ll make sure to protect her. I’ll break the news to her, but you should tell Lennon to have her team prepare some kind of statement. That might hold the wolves at bay for a bit.”
Arrow nodded while cursing Erik up one side and down the other under her breath. I snatched up the magazine and made my way through the townhouse to the master suite on the top floor. Maren mentioned she was tired when we finished shooting for the day, but I figured it was the emotional toll from the current scenes. I didn’t realize she’d been rundown the last few days. So much for trusting me to take care of her. She was still being Miss Independent and handling whatever came her way all on her own.
We were going to have to have a serious conversation about that bad habit of hers. But first, I needed to make sure she was braced for whatever fallout was coming from her ex being unable to keep his dick in control.
I was quiet when I walked into the room. Maren had the lights off and was lying diagonally across the bed with her arm thrown over her eyes and the other resting on her stomach. She didn’t move a single muscle when I sat down on the edge of the mattress.
“Are you awake?” She was a lot better at sleeping than I was. I might have to shake her a little if she was out.
“I am. But if I move too much, I get dizzy and feel nauseous. Lying in the dark is the only thing that doesn’t make me feel like crap.” She lifted her arm and peeked at me from underneath it. “What’s up?”
I waved the rolled-up magazine, then used it to hit my thigh. “I have something to tell you, but if you don’t feel well, maybe it should wait. Do you need to go see a doctor? We’ve been putting in some serious hours on the set, and the weather is shit. I’m not surprised you caught a cold.”
Her eyes drifted over the magazine before she dropped her arm back over her face. “I don’t need a doctor. Does that magazine have something to do with Erik cheating on his new wife? If so, that news got out way faster than I thought it would.”
I let the magazine fall from my fingers in surprise. I’d had a mental plan for any reaction she may have had, but indifference was nowhere on my list.
“You already knew? Did Lennon tell you before I could?” That woman really had her finger on the pulse of everything that was going down.
“No, she didn’t say anything. I don’t know if she knows yet. But she’s going to have a field day with what’s left of Erik’s image when she finds out. I heard about it from my former stylist. She called me in tears a couple of days ago because she went through Erik’s phone and found out he wasn’t exactly the guy she married. She was sad and embarrassed. It’s hard to learn you’re the only one in the marriage who took your vows seriously. She’s also pregnant and worried about what it all means for her baby. I’m the only one who’s been through something similar. I’m the only one who could sympathize with her.”
“She screwed you over. She took what was yours without a second thought. She put herself in a position to end up in the exact same situation she created for you. Most people would say she deserves it.” I put a hand on top of hers and laced our fingers together. “And more.”
“No one deserves to be humiliated like that. No one should have something as happy and exciting as their first pregnancy being overshadowed by their husband’s infidelity. It’s a time in life that should be celebrated, but when she looks back on it, she’s only going to remember how much she suffered. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I feel bad for her, but Erik,” she lifted her arm again and looked me in the eye. Even in the dimly lit room, I could see the malicious glint in her gaze, “that bastard can go straight to hell. When I feel better, I’m going to tell Lennon to let the press eat him alive. If they want a sound bite from me, I’m going to give them one that won’t soon be forgotten.”
I smiled down at her, lifting the hand I held so I could kiss the back of it. “You’re very cute when you’re ruthless.” I lifted my eyebrows when she smiled back at me, but I could tell she was tired, and like Arrow mentioned, she was pale. “Now let’s talk about why you don’t want to go to the doctor and why you didn’t tell me you were sick. You’re supposed to be letting me take care of you. That was the deal we made, remember?”
She made a soft sound and tugged on the hand I was holding. “I didn’t say anything initially because I thought I was just worn out from work. It’s been a while since I was on set. I haven’t had
to put in full days in forever. Not to mention how intense the material is. But then I kept feeling a bit off no matter what I did to boost my energy.” She blinked at me, using the hold she had on my hand to pull me down so that I was lying down on the bed next to her. She squeezed my fingers lightly, “I didn’t say anything because the only other time in my life I felt like this… I was pregnant.”
I felt my jaw drop open as I stopped breathing for a few seconds.
She copied my gesture of placing a soft kiss on the back of my hand.
“I need to take a pregnancy test, then we can talk about taking me to see a doctor. As for taking care of me... I think you’re about to get more than you bargained for.”
Maren
THE THOUGHT OF being pregnant again, the idea of having a baby with a twenty-six-year-old recovering addict, wasn’t nearly as scary as it should be.
When I started to feel woozy and slightly off, I immediately recognized the signs that had been a precursor to my prior pregnancy. I didn’t necessarily get morning sickness, but throughout, I was exhausted and felt like my limbs weighed a thousand pounds.
That’s where I was now.
Tired all the time and afraid to be too hopeful, because as exciting as being pregnant would be, I still hadn’t forgotten what happened during the last pregnancy. That was what scared me. That incident was why I hadn’t said anything to Salinger when I started to have suspicions. Somewhere in my psyche, I believed if I didn’t acknowledge what was happening inside of my body, then I wouldn’t have to face the prospect of something going wrong.
I wasn’t sure I could go through another loss like that and keep my sanity intact.
Before mentioning my suspicion to Salinger or even calling Lennon to talk through my feelings, I decided I needed to tell my father what was going on. After all, he was the one who put me back together last time I fell apart. He was the one who would tell it to me straight, even if what he said wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
I knew I could rely on Salinger to have my back regardless of the outcome, but my dad was still the one I turned to for guidance when I was in over my head. He was the one who always managed to show me any sliver of light that might be found in what someone else might see as complete darkness.
I was thrilled to hear that he sounded like he was doing much better since getting out of the hospital. He told me he finally adjusted to his new diet and took the initiative to take better care of his health. He had started hiking around New Mexico and picked up a new hobby: taking pictures of the desert. He’d even met a woman around his age at a checkup visit with his cardiac specialist, and while he wouldn’t admit to dating, he brought her up more than once. I could tell he was fond of her. He even mentioned coming out to California to visit once I was done filming. For the first time in forever, he told me he missed me and was worried about me. He even thanked me for being so pushy after his health scare. He mentioned he forgot that he didn’t need to take care of himself for his own well-being, but also because I needed him around for as long as possible as well. It was all very sweet, and felt like the needle had finally moved in a positive direction in our relationship.
He gave me the perfect opening to tell him what I was currently struggling with.
The first thing I came clean about was the fact I’d been seeing Salinger pretty seriously for several months. I don’t know what I expected my father’s response to be, but excitement and support were nowhere on my expectations list.
My dad was all for me dating the guy who’d gone the extra step to win me over and refused to let me freeze him out of my life. Even though he didn’t know Salinger, he told me he knew he would treat me better than Erik had. When I told him that Salinger not only wrote the movie I was working on for me while he was in rehab, but he’d also that he had a crush on me for close to ten years, my father practically cheered. He asked if Salinger was the kind of guy who would stick by me if things went south, I had to admit that he was. Without a doubt.
My father told me it didn’t matter that Salinger was younger than me because the time he’d had me on his mind, and the years he put in the work to win me over counteracted the age gap. He reminded me that Erik was a few years older than me, and he hadn’t been able to think about anyone but himself. So, what was age but a number? It definitely wasn’t an indicator of how mature and responsible a man might be.
When I realized he didn’t hate the idea of me being involved with Salinger, I broke the news that he might be a grandfather in the near future. I told him I was terrified because of what happened with my last pregnancy, and that I was slightly scared to tell Salinger, even though there was no way he could be surprised.
He was much better about using protection and trying to take care of me during sex than I was. He always reminded me that there were risks involved when we were caught up in the moment and moved forward recklessly with nothing between us, including hesitation. As a result, more often than not, when we fucked or made love—since we did both now and they felt distinctly different from one another—it was hotter, wetter, and messier than before. It wasn’t like neither of us knew what the eventual outcome of having lots and lots of unprotected sex might be, but speculation and the hard reality of one’s actions were two very different things.
My father scolded me for telling him before talking to Salinger. He reminded me that all the things I was afraid might happen were fears that Salinger would share once he found out he was going to be a father. He told me it wasn’t my job to protect Salinger from the possible pain we were facing, but rather, it was my job to share everything with him because the baby was ours. Not just mine. And not just his. Any happiness, excitement, trepidation, or sorrow that may come our way should be balanced equally between the two of us, and if it wasn’t, it would be a good indicator as to what kind of father Salinger would be.
If he wasn’t all in, it was better to know now than later down the line when I would really need to rely on him.
I wouldn’t be left floundering the way I’d been with my ex. Erik showed me who he really was leading up to my pregnancy and through everything that followed. I didn’t want to believe I’d been so blind. I knew Salinger didn’t put on any pretense, so when he found out he might be a dad, he wouldn’t hide how he honestly felt about the situation.
My father also warned me not to put the cart before the horse. He told me to make sure I knew what I was dealing with, and then I could tackle all the emotions that went along with bringing a baby into the world. He didn’t want me to worry myself sick over whether I was actually just run down and not knocked up. He reminded me that I would be a great mom regardless of the situation, and that what happened the last time wasn’t my fault. It was just a sad, unfortunate twist of fate. I finally felt like I could breathe again after his words of encouragement and love.
Sometimes there were things in life that were simply out of one’s control. And even with the loss, and Erik’s ultimate betrayal, I wouldn’t go back and undo that first pregnancy for anything. For the short amount of time I got to be my first baby’s mother, it was magical and life-changing.
I shouldn’t have let myself forget all of the great parts of that time in my life while I focused on grief and sadness instead.
Salinger was gone in a flash when I told him I needed to take a pregnancy test before seeing a doctor. I meant to tell him to send Arrow because it would cause one hell of an uproar if he was spotted in public picking one up, but he moved too fast. He was out the door before I could tell him to wait.
Every expression that danced over his handsome face after telling him my suspicions about my current condition matched my own.
Delight.
Stark fear.
Excitement.
Worry.
But more than anything, I could clearly see how much he loved me when he looked at me. No matter what, I believed he wasn’t going anywhere and he wanted to stay by my side.
Instead of fighting to keep someone, I finally had so
meone ready to go to war to hold onto me. We would both battle to be together.
While he was gone, I forced myself to get up and do something I’d put off for too long.
When Salinger got back to the townhouse, I was waiting for him in the living room. Arrow was good at making herself scarce when the time called for it, so she’d disappeared without me having to ask.
Salinger was excited like a kid on Christmas morning as he bounded into the house. His eyes were big, and instead of looking dark and endlessly deep like they usually did, they glittered with anticipation and unvarnished devotion.
He was smitten and he didn’t even know if he was going to be a father yet, or how I really felt about him.
He plopped down in the seat next to mine and pushed a brown bag from a chain drug store in my direction. He wiggled his eyebrows up and down in a comical way before tilting his head in the direction of the bathroom.
“Take care of business. Let’s see what the future has in store for us.”
I nudged the bag aside and tapped on the piece of paper that was on the table in front of me.
“Before we do that, let’s take care of this.” I pushed the paper in his direction as he gave me a baffled look. “You promised you would sign any contract I put in front of you. I want you to sign this one before I do the test.”
“What? A contract now? After we decided to date and might be having a baby together? I thought you trusted me, Maren?”
I could see his disappointment starting to shadow the bright look in his eyes, so I tapped the paper with more force and told him, “Look at it before you get upset, Salinger.”
He leaned back in the chair and kicked his boots out in front of him, looking like a sullen child.
A Righteous Man Page 21