by Cindi Madsen
Chapter Thirty-Six
Megan
Okay, I tried stay strong, I did. But Dane had apologized, and when he’d said “please” I couldn’t say no.
Or more like I didn’t want to, especially when it felt as though his kiss was saying everything he couldn’t verbally express.
That was the thing with Dane and me. Away from him, when I was down and doubting everything, I wondered if the constant emotional turmoil was worth it. If I’d settled for a more casual arrangement than I wanted. But the second we were together, the high that came from his touch, from his kisses, and all of our intense conversations made me so sure I was supposed to be with him that I couldn’t even imagine another option.
So I asked Vanessa to cover for me and tell Beckett and Lyla that I decided to call it a night early and take a taxi home. As Dane and I approached the huge windows of the Skywalk Observatory so we could look out over the city, I was glad I’d said yes to leaving the party.
“Bro,” Dane said as he braced his hands on the bar in front of me, caging me in with his arms, “this is a killer view.”
“Yeah, woman, it totally is.”
His soft laugh stirred my hair. “Not cool, dude.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I have boobs.”
He craned his neck and glanced down at my chest, his forehead all scrunched up, and then he cupped my breasts over my shirt.
“Dane!” I grabbed his hands, looking around to make sure no one was witnessing him copping a feel. Fortunately we pretty much had the place to ourselves.
“I definitely noticed, but I had to be sure—I’m a hands-on learner.” He wrapped his arms around me and laced his fingers through mine, tucking his chin on my shoulder as we continued taking in the amazing view.
There were several skyscrapers with only a handful of illuminated windows, some had more lights on than off, and the cars driving the streets streaked white and red, blurring into the mix of gold. In the distance, lights twinkled in the bay, the water looking more like oil in the dark.
We’d arrived close enough to closing time that the guy working the front desk almost didn’t let us up. It took some sweet-talking, but he finally promised us a few extra minutes, and I wanted to observe and soak it all in before we had to leave.
“Isn’t it crazy to think of each of those lights representing at least one person, if not more?” I asked. “I wonder how many of them can’t sleep. In a way, it makes me feel less lonely, but then it’s also kind of overwhelming to see the proof of so many people. Like, with that many people in the world, how do we find those handful we can’t live without?”
When Dane didn’t answer, I glanced over my shoulder at him. He had a crooked smile on his face.
“What?”
“I just like the way you look at the world.” He nuzzled my neck and zips of electricity skated across my skin.
For a long moment, we soaked it in, letting the overhead elevator-type music fill the silence.
I glanced down at our entwined hands, his so much bigger than mine. I lifted his right one, noticing his wrist was red and swollen. “Did you get hurt during the game?”
“It’s nothing. When those two defenders slammed into me, I just went to catch myself on the ice and landed wrong.”
I lifted his hand higher and kissed the injury. “I didn’t know if you’d want to talk about the game.”
“It definitely wasn’t one of my favorites. If I’d just been playing better…” He shook his head, his whiskers tickling my cheek. “I made mistake after mistake, and I’ve got to play better than that, or I might as well go home.”
I spun to face him. “What are you talking about? I don’t think anyone had that great of a game, and maybe it wasn’t your best, but you didn’t make any huge errors or anything.”
“There are a lot of stellar players out there, and I never know when there are scouts in the audience. If they saw that game, I’d be out for sure.”
“Everyone has bad games.”
“I just can’t afford to. Not when…” He shook his head again.
I almost asked him to explain, but then I remembered what we’d talked about at the diner the other night. “Not when your family is relying on you.”
“If I’m going to fail at hockey, I might as well go take care of my sisters instead of pretending I can go pro. At this point, the degree path I switched to is looking pretty unlikely, too.”
I placed my hands on his chest and looked him in the eye. “I admire how much you care about your family, but you can’t live your whole life for other people.”
“What about Lissa? If she ends up some kind of addict because I wasn’t there, it’ll be too late to undo the damage. I’ve already seen it happen to one of my friends. If I’d been there, I could’ve kept her out of it, and I worry I’m making the same mistake.”
“Or maybe you would’ve ended up in it and thrown away the opportunity to follow your dreams. At some point, we all have to choose who we’re going to be and take life by the horns and tell it that it’s our bitch, not the other way around.”
He rested his forehead against mine. “You’re saying I just need to tell life it’s my bitch.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do by being here in Boston. If I hadn’t taken control, I’d be in my last semester of high school, surrounded by people who were always talking shit about me, and feeling alone. I came here to start on my dreams.”
“Wait. I knew you were a freshman, but…you skipped part of high school?”
“Just the last year, and then it took me a six months to get here. I might barely be eighteen, but I have an old soul,” I joked, hoping he wouldn’t make a big deal about it.
“And now I’m corrupting you.”
“A girl needs a bit of corruption now and then.” I tipped onto my toes and kissed him. “Remember how you once told me that I wanted someone who’d take care of me.”
His eyes darkened, making me think that yes, yes he did, and my heart pumped harder at the memory, even though that wasn’t why I’d brought it up. I ran my hand down the side of his face. “Once in a while, you’ve got to take care of yourself in order to have anything to give.”
He nodded, but I wasn’t sure it truly sunk in, because I could still feel the tension and stress radiating off him.
“And if you need someone to help take care of you, call me.”
He wrapped his arms tighter around me, his fingers pressing into the grooves between my ribs. “I feel crazy when I’m with you, and even crazier when I’m not. Only the first crazy is much better, even if it also makes me a little too reckless.”
Before I could figure out what to say to that, he kissed me, the perfect amount of lips and tongue.
A loud throat clearing brought me back from happy kissing land.
“I’ve got to close up,” the worker who’d granted us an extra half hour said.
“Thanks for letting us stay.” I peered out at the city once more, all the buildings and lights, and thought again about the handful of people I couldn’t live without. I knew it was dangerous to think of Dane that way when there was still so much undefined about our relationship, but I couldn’t help but think that he was one of them.
And I hoped that he didn’t end up breaking my heart.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Dane
I held on to Megan’s hand as we walked across campus, hoping I wasn’t crushing it, but not wanting to let it go.
I hadn’t meant to dredge up all my fears and worries about my family, but her response had made me feel better—better than I’d felt since Cassidy first called me about Lissa.
Actually, since before that. Since everything that’d happened with Jazmine. I wanted to believe that meant Megan and I would have a different fate, but I couldn’t tip over that precipice and free fall into hope without making sure the landing was safe for both of us.
I still couldn’t believe she’d graduated early to get a jumpstart on college. No wonder Beck declared he
r off-limits. If I’d known just how young she was, I might’ve done a better job of listening, but honestly, I doubted it. From our first night together, I knew she was different than anyone else I’d ever met. I just didn’t know how intertwined my life would become with hers.
More than that, I needed her.
“Ambitious, smart, and sexy,” I said, giving her hand a squeeze. “You’ve got all the things.”
Megan leaned her head on my shoulder. “Bro, that’s really awesome of you to say.”
I laughed. “I guess I need a female term for when I want to use ‘bro.’ It’s a hard habit to break. Let’s see…bra would be feminine, but that’s weird, and then I’d start thinking about your bra and get sidetracked… Brodette?”
“Yeah, that isn’t weird at all.”
“Guess I’ll have to keep searching for a good option.” I slowed as we reached her building. “Thanks for taking me to the Skywalk Observatory even though I was an ass the last time I saw you.”
She fisted my T-shirt in her hands and brushed her lips across mine. “Just don’t do it again. I can handle you saying you need space, and I get that you’re busy. But give it to me straight.”
“Okay, I’ll give it to you…” I moved my hands around to the curve of her butt and pulled her against me. “Straight.”
She shook her head but a sexy smile spread across her face. I covered her lips with mine, pulling her tighter to me. I rolled my tongue over hers, getting carried away in the kiss for a moment before reminding myself I needed to cut things short tonight.
“You know, Vanessa owes me,” Megan said. “I bet she’d give us some time alone if you want to come up.”
I blew out a breath, focusing on boring oxygen instead of the way I could feel her chest rising and falling against mine. Not that it helped much. “As much as I’d love to, I’m not going to sleep with you tonight.”
She pouted her lips, and when she did it, I found it incredibly sexy. “Why?”
“Because I promised I wouldn’t. You were right. I gave you the booty call treatment last time, and you deserve better.”
Her lips stuck out farther. “So now I’m being punished for your mistakes?”
“Afraid so. Sorry about that. And I’m sorry for any other stupid things I do in the future.”
“A blanket apology? I’ll want a fresh, individualized one every time, just so you know.”
“I’ll start drafting a couple, then.” I ran my finger down her nose and then tapped her lips. “Seriously, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, and I’m going to do better from now on.” No more trying to put distance between us, because it clearly didn’t work, and there was a terrifying moment at the party I thought I might seriously lose her.
She slipped her fingers under my shirt. “Well, I believe you, and I forgive you, and we spent a lot of time together tonight, so…” She kissed me again, gently biting on my lower lip, and pressing her hips into mine. “I don’t think skipping sex tonight is necessary.”
“You…are gonna be…the death of…” I gave in to her kiss, gripping her ass and lifting her into my arms. She wrapped her legs tightly around me and ran her tongue over my top lip. I moved my mouth to her neck, nipping and licking.
I walked her over to the door of her dorm, pressing her against it like I had the first night we’d kissed. Then, summoning all my strength, I broke away. “Good night, Megan.”
I groaned as she slid down me. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I grit out, still struggling to hold on to my control.
“You better.”
As soon as she slipped inside, I wanted to bang on the door and tell her I changed my mind—chivalry was overrated, and who was I trying to be chivalrous anyway? I’d happily be the asshole who got to have sex with her, even if I didn’t deserve it.
Instead I got to walk back across campus, hoping that by the time I got somewhere I could flag down a taxi, I wouldn’t still be sporting a giant erection.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Dane
Megan was draped over my lower back, horizontal on my bed, her attention on the laptop in front of her as she furiously typed out whatever assignment she was working on.
I finished reading my chapter for biology, slammed the giant textbook closed, and rested my head on my pillow. I could feel the stripe of skin between Megan’s T-shirt and panties, warm against my bare back, and occasionally she raised her legs in the air and kicked them, slowly rocking the bed.
More and more she was spending nights at my place. We’d have sex, study for a while, and then cuddle up and talk until we fell asleep. Initially we tried putting studying first, since both of us had more homework than we knew what to do with, but concentrating on class work proved impossible with Megan within arm’s reach. I’d see her neck and want to kiss it, or she’d stretch and I’d get a glimpse of her stomach, or it’d make her shirt tighter across her breasts—basically everything about her made it hard to not think about sex until we had it. Once we switched up the order, I was able to get a good hour or so of work done before I thought about it again, whether it led to round two or just reliving how great the start of the night had been.
The sound of the keys being struck slowed and Megan reached over and ran her hand down my back. “Are you getting tired?”
“I’m never not tired these days,” I said, the words muffled by the pillow. I heard the click of her laptop closing, felt her lean far enough that I assumed she was setting her computer on my desk, and then she maneuvered so she was lying next to me, one of her smooth legs hooking over the back of my thigh, her nose a few inches from mine.
Her soft lips pressed against my cheek. “Did you get enough studying in?”
No. Not even close. Even forcing ourselves to mix study time into our evenings wasn’t enough lately. But I simply grunted, because I didn’t want her to turn into bouncy, optimistic Megan and force me to study more—while I loved that version of her, I couldn’t cram any more information into my head. I needed sleep with another side of sleep.
“Dane?”
I traced my hand down her side and slid it around so that I could cup one sexy ass cheek. “Yeah?”
“Never mind.”
I popped one eye open. “What is it?” The trepidation in her features made me open the other eye. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. It’s just…Well, my little sister’s birthday party is this weekend, and I’m going to Concord with Beckett and Lyla, and I just thought…inevitably I’ll run into some of the mean people I dealt with in high school, and I can deal with them. But I’d rather deal with them with you by my side. It’s like an hour and a half trip, so not too bad.”
“Are you asking me to go with you?”
“I’m mentioning it so I can see how you respond to the idea of going with me.”
My heart tapped my rib cage, then the beats steadily grew faster and harder. “I’m pretty sure that’d blow our cover with your brother—the other day at practice I swore he had it out for me, and I kept waiting for him to tell me to stay away from you.”
“He knows we’re friends.”
“You think most friends would make a long drive to go to the birthday party of a kid he doesn’t even know? No one’s going to buy the friends thing, Megan. We’ll just torture ourselves with not being able to kiss or even touch the entire trip.”
She swallowed. “Then maybe it’s time to tell people we’re more than friends.”
Damn. I knew we’d end up here, even though we’d tried to keep it light and casual. Ever since she started staying over, I’d slept so much better, but thinking about the big commitment and all the ways it might set us up for failure chased any chance of sleep away.
While I’d been ridiculously optimistic this past week and a half, hoping that living in the same city and her understanding how much time hockey took meant we had a chance at making it work, actually taking that risk scared the shit out of me.
“Remember how you asked me to tell you if
things were starting to feel too serious between us?”
The sorrow that flickered through her eyes stabbed me right through the chest.
“I guess I better go, then.” Megan sat up and I grabbed her arm.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“You’re saying you want me here every night, but you don’t want to get involved with my family or be a real part of my life.”
“I can’t. Not now. I can’t handle another thing on my plate. Maybe when the season ends.” I tugged her to me and hugged her tightly as I pressed a kiss to her neck. “Don’t go. We’ve had such a perfect night, and I don’t want to end it with you mad at me.”
I felt like a selfish jerk asking her to stay, but the truth was, I didn’t want her gone. The paper she was currently writing had already taken last night away from us, and without her sleeping next to me, I’d only caught a couple of hours before dragging myself to this morning’s classes.
“I’m tired of hiding.” At first I thought she was lifting my hand off me because she was, in fact, mad, but instead she toyed with my fingers. “And I want to go to the games and wait for you after, and make sure that none of the puck bunnies think they can have you. It makes me crazy to think of them with you, and if that makes things feel too serious, well that’s just too damn bad.”
“Hey.” I moved so that I was over her, my gaze locked onto hers. “I swear I’m not sleeping with anyone else. I won’t, either. I can promise you that much.” Please let it be enough…
A desperate-edged panic set in as she bit her lip, an internal debate clearly taking place. This past week I’d slept better, I’d played hockey better. Life was better.
Too much sadness and uncertainty remained in her expression. “I need more, Dane. I’m sick of feeling like a dirty little secret. I can hold on for a while longer if you promise we’re gonna make this work. That someday I can introduce you as my boyfriend without worrying you’ll pull away.”
I sat back and raked a hand through my hair. Shit, shit, shit. I heard Jazmine asking me to promise her we’d work out. How could I say those words again, when I’d failed before? When that failure had done so much damage?