by Cindi Madsen
Megan scooted out from under me and reached for her pants, tears glistening in her eyes.
Since it looked like I could come clean or lose her, I said, “Do you remember how I told you that I had that friend who turned into an addict? That it’s why I was so worried about my sister?”
Her movements slowed and she nodded.
“Jazmine was a girl I grew up with. We were friends for a long time, and then we started dating. Before I left for college, I made her a promise that we’d make it work, but long distance and hockey season were harder than I thought they’d be. Then her mom died, and she called me and begged me to come home, but I…” I clenched my jaw, forcing air in and out of my lungs. “I chose to stay and play hockey instead.”
I waited for Megan to look at me like she finally saw me for the selfish jerk I was. Her gaze remained fixed on a spot on the other side of the room. I forced out the rest. “Now she’s a step away from being a junkie, doing whatever she can to numb the pain, and I feel responsible. I wasn’t there when she needed me most.”
Megan turned, tucking a leg under her. “We talked about this already. People are responsible for their own choices.”
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Maybe.” I grabbed her hand and curled it into mine. “Megan, I want to promise you that we’ll work out, because I want us to so badly. But I can’t. If I ended up breaking you, I’d never be able to live with myself.”
Silence descended, so heavy I could hardly breathe.
“No other girls?” she asked. “You promise?”
“I swear.” I swept her hair off her face, winding my fingers into the silky strands. “The truth is, I hadn’t had sex with anyone for months before meeting you, and I don’t want any other girls. I only want you.”
I leaned in a few inches, waiting to see if she accepted what I could give her…
Ever so slowly, she closed the gap and pressed her lips to mine. I kissed her with all the urgency coursing through me, sucking her tongue into my mouth as I laid her back on the bed.
Then I was sinking into the sensation of the kiss, of her body under mine. As I let the addictive pull of this girl drag me under, I told myself maybe history didn’t have to repeat itself. Maybe I could be the guy she wanted.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Megan
I slipped out of Dane’s bed and gathered my clothes off the floor. With me out of the bed, the arm that’d been over me now dangling off the side, it was hard to believe I could even fit in there with him.
My gaze ran down the strong line of his back. Was it any wonder that I lost my senses—not to mention my resolve—around him? I was terrified of losing him, which didn’t make sense when I didn’t have him in the first place.
Over the past year or so, I told myself that I was okay on my own. That I could handle the loneliness hanging over me because it wouldn’t last forever—that was why I’d added the goal to find a guy with boyfriend potential in the first place.
Being with Dane chased away the loneliness, which made me want to hold that much tighter to him. But I wanted to walk hand in hand across campus, to take him home with me so I could show everyone that my fresh start wasn’t just a success, but a raging one, complete with the hottest boyfriend ever.
Each passing day I wanted more, and clearly he didn’t.
A tight band formed around my chest. Then I was thinking of the goals I was sacrificing to be with him like this—in the halfway way. I was putting a lot of effort into us, and into making sure he passed his classes, to the point that some of my grades were slipping. Not too badly, but enough to scare me into reevaluating whether my priorities were in the right place.
I didn’t want Dane to blame himself for what happened with his ex, and I even understood why he was hesitant to jump into a full-blown relationship again. But while I’d tried to tell myself I was cool with the switch up of going from wanting a boyfriend to enjoying being young and unattached, my heart knew the truth, and I couldn’t talk myself into the lie anymore.
Hard to feel empowered when you compromised on a daily basis.
At the same time, could I give this up? Evenings filled with laughter and nights where I slept soundly in his arms.
He promised there are no other girls, and that he won’t sleep with anyone else. I wanted it to be enough, and it almost was. Almost.
But I couldn’t stop wondering if things would really change after the season, or if there would always be another excuse for him to hold me at bay. How long could I stick around through him pulling away whenever things turned serious, or when I told him I wanted more? How long until I lost the fresh start I’d worked so hard on, and ended up feeling like the old me, who constantly held back herself and compromised to make other people happy?
It was already happening, to tell the truth.
I slipped my laptop in my backpack, then leaned over and kissed Dane’s cheek, wishing that caring about him so much didn’t also hurt.
“Megan?”
“I’m slipping out so I can make it to my first class. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye, angel,” he said, shooting me a sleepy grin before rolling over and falling back to sleep.
At the moment, I wished I was an angel, because heaven help me, I didn’t think I was strong enough to walk away from this boy, even knowing he’d likely break my heart.
…
Whenever a teacher asked you to stay after class, it usually proved to be a bad thing. Which was why my hands trembled badly enough that I shoved them in my pockets, for fear of looking guilty of whatever crime Professor Williams was about to accuse me of.
“Have you heard of the engineering outreach program?” he asked.
I wished for a water bottle so I could take a swig and work up enough moisture to speak. “No. Is that like when a student starts failing? Because I’ve been studying, and I thought I was doing okay in this class, and—”
“Megan.” He held up a hand. “Quite the opposite, actually.”
“So I’m doing bad?” My voice squeaked, but I couldn’t help it. Electrical engineering was one of my favorite classes, even if it was a bit harder than expected. Even though I’d fallen a little behind and fudged a few homework assignments in my other classes, I always made sure to prioritize this one, and I thought I was nailing it.
Professor Williams laughed, and I decided he must secretly enjoy torturing students—and to think, I thought he was one of the nicer professors. “You’re doing very well in class. The program involves sending our best engineering undergrads to local classrooms to get junior high and high school students excited about engineering. One of my other students had to pull out due to a family emergency, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to take her spot for the rest of the semester.”
“That sounds amazing,” I said, a flutter of excitement going through my stomach.
“It requires quite some time, of course.” He outlined the hours and what the projects with the students entailed, and while I wanted to jump and say yes, there were a few things holding me back.
Namely, the fact that it would be more of a struggle to spend time with Dane. With hockey he was already so busy, and yes, we had the nights, but I knew he was getting behind on his studies, too. I wanted to help him keep up, not leave him alone to figure out calculus by himself.
Professor Williams steepled his fingers and stuck his chin on them. “You’ll also have more access to the engineering department’s lab and get to interact with the professors, which would give you a better chance at getting into the classes you want in the future.”
Again, it sounded amazing, and again, I thought about Dane. Could we survive more time apart? I felt like we were barely holding our sorta kinda relationship together as it was.
What had I told Dane about taking care of himself first, though? I should probably take my own advice.
It’s not like he’s promised me anything other than a maybe, and here I am considering giving up this huge opportunity
. What’s wrong with me? “Can I get back to you?”
“Of course.” He handed me a pamphlet. “If you’re unable to do it, I will need to approach other students, so could you think about it over the weekend, and get me an answer by our next class?”
Four days. It wasn’t a lot of time, but it should be enough. “Yeah. I’ll let you know on Tuesday.”
“Thanks, Megan. And for the record, you’re one of the top students in the class. That fact and the way your face lights up in the lab is why I chose you.”
To be chosen, to know someone had so much faith in me… It wasn’t something I experienced a lot, and honestly, it buoyed my mood and sent a sense of pride through me. One of the reasons this field called to me was to make a difference, and I thought of the kids—and okay, especially the girls—who I could sway to the engineering side.
Riding that high, as soon as I stepped into the hall, I pulled up the information I looked up a few days ago and decided to make the call. My original plan was to show Dane what I’d found, but every time I went to, something held me back. Probably the fact that he’d look at it as charity or pity, and I didn’t mean it that way. I wanted to help, and I figured a teen girl’s struggle was bigger than Dane and me. I knew all too well how your life could spiral out of control without help.
As I talked with the woman who ran the foundation, she reassured me that my donation and involvement would remain anonymous. Which meant Dane’s sister could get the counseling she needed, I could alleviate some of his parents’ stress, and then maybe he’d see that he didn’t have to shoulder so much responsibility.
Which might also help free him up for the time that this engineering opportunity would take away…
…
Me: Are you sure you don’t want to take a road trip to Connecticut? I’ll drive my own car, and there can totally be touching and kissing—it’ll be encouraged, actually.
I stared at the text message to Dane on my screen for a couple of seconds before backspacing and deleting it. If he didn’t want to go with me that was his loss.
I considered texting about the engineering program, since the more I thought about it, the more excited I was, but that conversation would be way easier in person.
Vanessa entered our dorm room, tossed her backpack aside, and threw herself on the bed, draping one arm across her eyes. “That’s it. My brain is broken, and I don’t have anything left.”
“Well, if you want to hit a big party this weekend, I know this little girl who’s turning nine. Not to oversell it, but cake and ice cream will be involved.”
She lowered her arm and looked over at me. “Oh, right. I forgot you were heading out of town. I was going to ask if you’d go to the Quad tonight after the hockey game. I need to get Justin out of my system.”
“Justin? I thought you were done with him weeks ago.”
“I was—I am. He’s been calling here and there, but I’ve been ignoring him. Today he tracked me down and told me he wants another chance. I asked him, another chance like we try to make us work? Mind you, I wasn’t going to say yes, but I wanted the satisfaction of knowing he’d realized he couldn’t do better than me.”
Vanessa sat up and anger—with a pinch of hurt—flickered through her eyes. “Instead he said, ‘no, I just mean we should go back to how things were.’ Like I’m really going to settle for friends with benefits after he’s ignored me for a month, with one desperate booty call in the mix. No thanks.”
My lungs constricted. Was that what I was doing? Settling? I constantly experienced this internal tug-of-war between giving an ultimatum and enjoying it while it lasted.
“Earth to Megan?” Vanessa waved her hand and I snapped out of it.
I threw the last of the outfits I’d laid out into my suitcase. Since Beckett, Lyla, and I were leaving as soon as the hockey game was over, I had to pack now. “Maybe a trip away from here for a few days is just what I need.”
“Things with Dane not going so well anymore?”
“Dane and I are fine.” I hated the way the words scraped my throat on the way out, not quite a lie, but not quite the truth, either. “I mean, we’re still…undefined. Which is fine.”
Vanessa narrowed her eyes on me. “You’re saying fine a lot.”
I sighed. “It just sucks that I won’t to get to hang out with him all weekend. I probably won’t be able to see him until Monday night, which suddenly seems like a long time.” Maybe my absence would make him grow fonder. I clung to the glimmer of hope that between that and giving him a little more time, he’d be ready to give me the commitment I wanted.
“Guess you’d better sneak into the locker room and have a quickie right after the game.” She dramatically waggled her eyebrows, and I laughed.
“With my brother in the room, I think that’d be incredibly awkward.”
“You really think he’ll freak if he finds out you’re sleeping with Dane?”
“Oh, he’d definitely freak out. He’s never been very okay with me and guys in general. He thinks they’re all just in it for the sex. And I’m not denying he has a point, but…” I knelt down and zipped up my suitcase, worried it was truer than I wanted it to be. “Sure you don’t want to throw some clothes in a bag and get away for a weekend?”
Vanessa tipped her head one way and then the other. “Nah. I think I’ll stay. But thanks.”
I straightened, and she jumped off the bed and surprised me with a hug. “Be safe. And don’t worry about Dane. I can tell he’s crazy about you.”
I hoped so. But I also knew he wasn’t crazy enough about me to come with me this weekend or even refer to me as his girlfriend.
Chapter Forty
Dane
“I know that I’m not supposed to call you with bad news before a game,” Cassidy said, and I winced, automatically bracing myself for whatever shitstorm was happening at home now. “But I figured good news would be okay.”
“There’s actually good news?”
“Yeah. This woman called Mom today, and told her Lissa could meet with a counselor for free—apparently it’s through some kind of program for teens in need, and Lissa fits the requirements. It’s a bit of a drive, but for free counseling that could help her, it’s totally worth it. The lady’s one of the best, too. Can you believe that?”
I had trouble not being suspicious of things that were too good to be true, not to mention a bit of skepticism anyone could talk sense into my sister right now. “You really think it’ll help?”
“Yeah, I do. It certainly can’t make things any worse, and with everything falling apart around here, we could all use a little hope.”
Megan had mentioned counseling, too. Said it helped her. The hair on the back of my neck rose. “They said it was through a donation run program? Is it usual for them to call families out of the blue?”
“I don’t know. We didn’t play twenty questions. We just celebrated.”
Right now I needed to focus on getting ready for the game, so I decided to just be glad for whatever had happened and analyze it later. “I’ve got to get dressed and get on the ice, but I’ll talk to you later.”
“Good luck with the game!”
I hung up and inserted my ear buds so I could tune out everything except my pump-up music. So far we’d only had the one loss, and I planned on doing everything I could to keep it that way.
…
The rink held the charged buzz of victory, our team amped up from our win. I played better than I had in a long time, too, scoring three out of the six goals we had on the board. Maybe there was something to that whole hope thing.
I glanced up as I neared the edge of the ice and caught sight of Megan, standing and cheering in the place where she, Lyla, and Whitney usually sat. I raised my hand in a wave and she blew me a kiss. I swore I could feel it, too, and a different kind of warmth wound through me.
Instead of immediately hitting the showers, I dug in my bag for my cell phone and texted Megan.
Me: I know you’re pl
anning on leaving right after the game, but I need to see you before you go. There’s a hallway just down the way from the locker room. I’ll meet you there in a few.
Since staring didn’t make her text back, I rushed through my shower, answered a few of Whitney’s questions for the paper, and was relieved to see Beck hadn’t showered yet.
I pushed out of the locker room doors. The usual group was waiting, a lot of girls and a few of our regular fans. Lyla stood off to the side, but Megan wasn’t with her. I hoped that meant she was waiting for me.
I glanced around to make sure the coast was clear, then turned into the dim hallway.
Megan was a couple of yards down, leaning against the wall. The only light bounced off her giant earrings, and happiness radiated through me, mixing in with the adrenaline from the game. “Hey, sexy.”
She took a few steps and jumped into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist. “You killed it tonight.”
I loved how she knew I’d catch her—loved having her in my arms. “I had a super hot cheerleader in the stands cheering for me.”
“I’ll gladly take full responsibility for tonight’s win.”
“Well, I didn’t say you were the only reas—”
Megan crashed her lips into mine, making me forget the last of my sentence. She drove her fingers into my hair, knocking my hat aside as she deepened the kiss. If someone asked my name right now, I wasn’t sure I’d even recall it.
I pressed her against the wall, taking advantage of her gasp and sweeping my tongue in to tangle with hers.
“I think the office door just down the way is unlocked,” Megan whispered, her voice coming out on a ragged breath. “We should slip inside and say a proper good-bye.”
I slid my hand into the back of her pants, groaning when all I found was a lot of smooth skin and the barely there string of her thong. “Fuck me.”
“That was what I was suggesting.”
I gripped the back of her legs, planning on carrying her into that office and finishing what we’d started. But the “What the fuck?” spoken by someone male and definitely pissed off gave me the horrible sense that everything was about to turn to shit.