“But generally you’re feeling all right?” Carol shrugged. She’d never been pregnant before and had nothing to compare this experience to. “I suppose.”
Lindy’s fingers wiped away the condensation on the outside of her glass. She hedged, and her gaze drifted around the room. “I think the best way to start is to apologize.”
“But what could you have possibly done to offend me?”
Lindy’s gaze moved to Carol’s, and she released a slow breath. “I told Steve I suspected you were pregnant.”
“It’s true,” Carol answered with a gentle smile. She would be a single mother, and although she would have preferred to be married, she was pleased and proud to be carrying this child.
“I know … but it would have been far better coming from you. I left a message for Steve to call me once he returned from his deployment. I was afraid he was going to come at you with his usual caveman tactics and you’ve been so ill lately … It’s a weak excuse, I know.”
“Lindy, for goodness’ sake, don’t worry about it. This baby isn’t a deep, dark secret.” Remembering the life she was nurturing in her womb was what had gotten her through the bleakest hours of this past week. Steve might choose to reject his daughter, but he could never take away this precious gift he had unknowingly given her.
“I don’t know what’s going on with my brother,” Lindy muttered, dropping her gaze to her tea. “I wish Rush were here. If anyone could talk some sense into him, it’s my husband.”
“Get used to him being away when you need him most. It’s the lot of a Navy wife. The Navy blues doesn’t always refer only to their dress uniform, you know.”
Lindy nodded. “I’m learning that. I’m also learning I’m much stronger than I thought I was. Rush was involved in an accident last year in the Persian Gulf—you probably read about it in the papers—well, really that doesn’t have anything to do with Steve, but he was with me the whole time when we didn’t know if Rush was dead or alive. I can’t even begin to tell you how good he was, how supportive. In a crisis, my brother can be a real trooper.”
“Yes, I know.” Carol paused and took a sip of her tea. On more than one occasion in their married life, she had come to admire Steve’s levelheadedness in dealing with both major and minor emergencies. It was in other matters, like trust and confidence in her love, that he fell sadly short.
“I don’t understand him anymore,” Lindy admitted. “He was ecstatic when I mentioned my suspicions about you being pregnant … I thought he was going to go right through the ceiling he was so excited. He was bubbling over like a little kid. I know he drove over to your place right after that and then we didn’t hear from him again. I phoned, but he just barked at me to leave him alone, and when I went to see him … well, that’s another story entirely.”
Carol stiffened. It was better to deal with Lindy honestly since it was apparent Steve hadn’t told her. “He doesn’t believe the baby is his.”
Lindy’s brow folded into a dark, brooding frown. “But that’s ridiculous.”
Carol found it somewhat amazing that her former sister-in-law would believe her without question and her ex-husband wouldn’t.
“I … can’t believe this.” Lindy pressed her palm over her forehead, lifting her bangs, and her mouth sagged open. “But, sadly, it explains a good deal.” As if she couldn’t remain sitting any longer, Lindy got up and started walking around the room, moving from one side to the other without direction. “What is that man’s problem? Good grief, someone should get him to face a few fundamental facts here.”
Carol smiled. It felt good to have someone trust and believe her.
“What are you going to do? I mean, I assumed Steve was going to remarry you, but …”
“Obviously that’s out of the question.”
“But …”
“Single women give birth every day. It’s rather commonplace now for a woman to choose to raise a child on her own. That was my original intention.”
“But, Steve …”
“Steve is out of my life.” Her hand moved to her stomach and a soft smile courted the edges of her mouth. “He gave me what I wanted. Someday he’ll be smart enough to calculate dates, but when he does it’ll be too late.”
“Oh, Carol, don’t say that. Steve loves you so much.”
“He’s hurt me for the last time. He can’t love me and accuse me of the things he has. It’s over for us, and there’s no going back.”
“But he does love you.” Lindy walked around a bit more and then plopped down across from Carol. “When he wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, I went over to the apartment. I’ve never seen him like this. He frightened me.”
“What’s wrong?” Carol was angry with herself for caring, but she did.
“He’d been drinking heavily.”
“That’s not like Steve.”
“I know,” Lindy said heatedly. “I didn’t know when he’d eaten last, so I fixed him something, which was a mistake because once he had something in his stomach he got feisty again and wanted me to leave.”
“Did you?”
“No.” Lindy started nibbling on the corner of her mouth. “I kept asking him questions about you, which only made him more angry. I soon learned you were a subject best avoided.”
“I can imagine.”
“After a while, he fell asleep on the sofa and I stayed around and cleaned up the apartment. It was a mess. Then … I heard Steve. I thought at first he was in the middle of a bad dream and I went to wake him, but when I came into the living room, I found him sitting on the end of the davenport with his hands over his face. He was weeping, Carol. As I’ve never seen a man weep before—heart-wrenching sobs that came from the deepest part of his soul. I can’t even describe it to you.”
Carol lowered her gaze to her hands, which had begun to tremble.
“This is the first time I’ve seen my brother cry, and his sobs tore straight through my heart. I couldn’t stand by and do nothing. I wanted to comfort him and find out what had hurt him so badly. I’m his sister, for heaven’s sake—he should be able to talk to me. But he didn’t want me anywhere near him and ordered me out of the apartment. I left, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.”
A tear spilled out of the corner of Carol’s eye and left a moist trail down the side of her face.
“By the time I got home I was crying, too. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Carol’s throat thickened. “There’s nothing you can do. This is something Steve has to work out himself.”
“Can’t you talk to him?” Lindy pleaded. “He loves you so much and it’s eating him alive.”
“It won’t do any good.” Carol spoke from bitter experience.
“How can two people who obviously love each other let this happen?”
“I wish I knew.” Carol’s voice dropped to a whispered sob.
“What about Steve and the baby?”
“He doesn’t want to have anything to do with this pregnancy. That’s his decision, Lindy.”
“But it’s the wrong one! Surely you can get him to realize that.”
She shook her head sadly. “Once Steve decides on something, his mind is set. He’s too stubborn to listen to reason.”
“But you love him.”
“I wish I could deny that, but I do care about him, with all my heart. Unfortunately that doesn’t change a thing.”
“How can you walk away from him like this?”
Carol’s heart constricted with pain. “I’ve never left Steve. Not once. He’s always been the one to walk away.”
Eleven
“I’d do anything I could to make things right between me and Steve,” Carol told Lindy, “but it isn’t possible anymore.”
“Why not?” Lindy pleaded. Carol knew it was hard for Lindy to understand when her own recent marriage was thriving. “You’re both crazy in love with each other.”
The truth in that statement was undeniable. Although Steve believed
her capable of breaking her wedding vows and the worst kind of deceit, he continued to love her. For her part, Carol had little pride when it came to her ex-husband. She should have cut her losses the minute he’d accused her of having an affair, walked away from her and filed for the divorce. Instead she’d spent the next year of her life in limbo, licking her wounds, pretending the emotional scars had healed. It had taken Christmas Eve to show her how far she still had to go to get over loving Steve Kyle.
“You can’t just walk away from him,” Lindy pleaded. “What about the baby?”
“Steve doesn’t want anything to do with my daughter.”
“Give him time, Carol. You know Steve probably better than anyone. He can be such a stubborn fool sometimes. It just takes a while for him to come to his senses. He’ll wake up one morning and recognize the truth about the baby.”
“I have to forget him for my own sanity.” Carol stood, delivered her empty iced-tea glass to the kitchen and prepared to leave. There wasn’t anything Lindy could say that would change the facts. Yes, she did love Steve and probably always would, but that didn’t alter what he believed.
Lindy followed her to the front door. “If you need something, anything at all, please call me.”
Carol nodded. “I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” Carol knew that Lindy realized how difficult it was for her to ask for help. Impulsively she hugged Steve’s sister. From now on, Lindy would be her only link to Steve and Carol was grateful for the friendship they shared.
* * *
Steve had to get out of the apartment before he went crazy. He’d spent the past few days drowning his misery in a bottle and the only thing it had brought him was more pain.
He showered, shaved and dressed. Walking would help clear his mind.
With no real destination in mind, he headed toward the waterfront. He got as far as Pike Place Market and aimlessly wandered among the thick crowds there. The colorful sights of the vegetable and meat displays and the sounds of cheerful vendors helped lift his spirits.
He bought a crisp, red Delicious apple and ate it as he ambled toward the booths that sold various craft items designed to attract the tourist trade. He paused and examined a sculpture made of volcanic ash from Mount Saint Helens. Another booth sold scenic photos of the Pacific Northwest, and another, thick, hand-knit Indian sweaters.
“Could I interest you in something?” a friendly older woman asked. Her long silver hair framed her face, and she offered him a wide smile.
“No, thanks, I’m just looking.” Steve paused and glanced over the items on her table. Sterling silver jewelry dotted a black velvet cloth— necklaces, earrings and rings of all sizes and shapes.
“You can’t buy silver anywhere for my prices,” the woman said.
“It’s very nice.”
“If jewelry doesn’t interest you, perhaps these will.” She stood and pulled a box of silver objects from beneath the table, lifting it up for him to inspect.
The first thing Steve noticed was a sterling-silver piggy bank. He smiled, recalling how he and Carol had dumped their spare change in a piggy bank for months in an effort to save enough for a vacation to Hawaii. They’d spent it instead for the closing costs on the house.
“This is a popular item,” the woman told him, bringing out a baby rattle. “Lots of jewelry stores sell these, but no one can beat my prices.”
“How much?” Steve couldn’t believe he’d asked. What the hell would he do with a baby rattle—especially one made of sterling silver.
The woman stated a reasonable price. “I’ll take it,” he said, astonished to hear the words come out of his mouth.
“Would you like one with blue ribbon or pink?”
Already Steve regretted the impulse. What was he planning to do? Give it to Carol? He’d decided the best thing for him to do as far as his ex-wife was concerned was to never see her again.
“Sir? Blue or pink?”
“Blue,” he answered in a hoarse whisper. For the son he would probably never father. Blue for the color of Carol’s eyes when she smiled at him.
By the time Steve walked back to the apartment, the sack containing the silver baby rattle felt like it weighed thirty pounds. By rights, he thought, he should toss the silly thing in the garbage. But he didn’t.
He set it on the kitchen counter and opened the refrigerator, looking for something to eat, but nothing interested him. When he turned, the rattle seemed to draw his gaze. He stared at it for a long moment, yearning strongly to press it into the hand of his own child.
Blood thundered in his ears and his heart pounded so hard and fast that his chest ached. He would save the toy for Lindy and Rush whenever they had children, he decided.
Feeling only slightly better, he moved into the living room and turned on the television. He reached for the TV Guide, flipped through the pages, sighed and turned off the set. A second later, he rushed to his feet.
He didn’t know who the hell he was trying to kid. That silver rattle with the pretty blue ribbon was for Carol and her baby, and it was going to torment him until he got rid of it.
He could mail her the toy and be done with the plaything. Or have Lindy give it to her without letting Carol know it had come from him. Or … or he could just set it on the porch and let her find it.
The last idea appealed to him. He would casually drive by her neighborhood, park his car around the block and wait until it was dark enough to sneak up and leave the rattle on the front step. He was the last person she would ever suspect would do something like that.
With his plan formulated, Steve drove to Carol’s house. He was half a block away from her place when he noticed her car. She was leaving. This would work out even better. He could follow her and when she got where she was going, he could place the rattle inside her car. That way she would assume someone had mistaken her car for their own and inadvertently set the rattle inside. There wasn’t anything she could do but take it home with her.
Carol headed north on Interstate 5, and her destination was a matter of simple deduction. She was going to the Northgate Mall. Lord, that woman loved to shop. The minute she steered onto the freeway on-ramp, Steve knew exactly where she was headed. They’d been married for five years, and their year apart hadn’t changed her. The smug knowledge produced a smile.
But Carol exited before the mall.
Steve’s heart started to pound. He was three cars behind her, but if she wasn’t going shopping, he didn’t know what she was planning. Maybe she was rendezvousing with Todd. Maybe all those times she’d told him she was shopping Carol had actually been meeting with her employer. The muscles in his stomach clenched into a knot so tight and painful that it stole his breath.
If there’d been any way to turn the car around, Steve would have done it, but he was trapped in the center lane of traffic and forced to follow the heavy flow.
It wasn’t until they’d gone several blocks that Steve noticed the back side of the mall. Perhaps she’d found a shortcut and had never bothered to tell him about it.
Carol turned onto a busy side street, and against his better judgment, he followed her. A few minutes later, when Carol turned into the large parking lot at Northgate Mall, Steve felt almost giddy with relief.
She parked close to the JCPenney store, and Steve eased his vehicle into a slot four spaces over. On a whim, he decided to follow her inside. He’d always wondered what women found so intriguing about shopping.
He was far enough behind her on the escalator to almost lose her. Standing at the top, he searched until he found her standing in women’s fashions, sorting through a rack of dresses. It took him a minute to realize they were maternity dresses. Although she’d lost several pounds, she must be having difficulty finding things that fit her, he realized. According to his calculations, she was five months pregnant—probably closer to six.
He lounged around while she took a handful of bright spring dresses and moved into the changing room.
Fifteen minutes passed before she returned, and to Steve it felt like a lifetime.
When she returned, she went back to the rack and replaced all but one of the dresses. She held up a pretty blue one with a wide sailor’s collar and red tie and studied it carefully. Apparently she changed her mind because she hung it back up with the others. Still she lingered an extra minute, continuing to examine the outfit. She ran her fingers down the sleeve to catch the price tag, read it, shook her head and reluctantly walked away.
The minute she was out of sight, Steve was at the clothing rack. Obviously she wanted the dress, yet she hadn’t bought it. He checked the price tag and frowned. It was moderately priced, certainly not exorbitant. If she wanted it, which she apparently did, then she should have it.
For the second time in the same day, Steve found himself making a purchase that was difficult to rationalize. It wasn’t as if he had any use for a maternity dress. But why not? he asked himself. If he left the rattle in her car it shouldn’t make any difference if he added a dress. It wasn’t likely that she would tie him to either purchase. Let her think her fairy godmother was gifting her.
From his position at the cash register, Steve saw Carol walk through the infants’ department. She ran her hand over the top rail of a white Jenny Lind crib and examined it with a look of such sweet anticipation that Steve felt guilty for invading her privacy.
“Would you like this dress on the hanger or in a sack?” the salesclerk asked him.
It took Steve a moment to realize she was talking to him. “A sack, please.” He couldn’t very well walk through the mall carrying a maternity dress.
Carol bought something, too, but Steve couldn’t see what it was. Infant T-shirts or something like that, he guessed. His vantage point in the furniture department wasn’t the best. Carol started to walk toward him, and he turned abruptly and pretended to be testing out a recliner.
Apparently she didn’t see him, and he settled into the seat and expelled a sigh of relief.
“Can I help you?” a salesclerk asked.
“Ah, no, thanks,” he said, getting to his feet.
Carol headed down the escalator, and Steve scooted around a couple of women pushing baby strollers in an effort not to lose sight of her.
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