A movie wasn’t an affair, she reminded herself. If they both happened to show up at the same movie at the same time, no one would put the wrong connotation on that. The rule book didn’t say they couldn’t be friends. If friends just happened to meet at a movie, it wouldn’t be unheard of for them to sit together. Would it?
Catherine didn’t know what to do. Her head was telling her one thing, and her heart another. Both their careers could be jeopardized. It was far too much to risk for the pleasure of sitting next to each other in a matinee.
Yet when the time approached, Catherine was behind a line of preteens. Her heart was hammering so loudly, she was convinced everyone around her must be able to hear it, too. Once she glanced over her shoulder, thinking the shore patrol was on her tail. The thought was ludicrous, which only went to prove the state of her mind.
Royce was sitting in the last row, with Kelly in the seat next to him. The girl noticed Catherine immediately and leaped up from her chair as though she’d been sitting on a giant coiled spring. She hurriedly scooted down the aisle and enthusiastically hugged Catherine.
“I was hoping you’d come.” She grabbed Catherine’s hand and energetically led her to the seats.
Catherine didn’t look at Royce. She feared what she’d read in his eyes.
“Missy’s here,” Kelly cried, and waved madly, as though the fate of the free world depended on how quickly her friend recognized her. “Can I go show her my new coat?”
Royce’s hesitation was noticeable before he agreed, and Kelly raced away.
Catherine sat down, leaving an empty seat between them
Royce continued to look straight ahead as though he’d never seen her in his life. “Are you crazy?” he hissed under his breath after an exaggerated moment. But it was the kind of anger that comes from caring too much, directed at himself as much as at her.
“Are you?” she came back just as heatedly. She was equally furious and for all the same reasons. She wasn’t going to take the blame for this. She’d made her decision and her excuses at the restaurant. They both had. He was the one who’d dropped the anchor in her lap by making a point of letting her know which movie and what showing. He’d blatantly asked her to come, and now he seemed to regret she was there.
“Yes, I think I am crazy,” Royce admitted reluctantly.
“I wasn’t going to come,” she told him softly. Even after he’d let it be known he wanted her with him and Kelly.
“Then why did you?”
Catherine didn’t know. Maybe it was because she liked to live dangerously, walk as close to the edge of the cliff as possible without falling off. “I don’t know. Why did you?”
Royce chuckled, but there was no amusement in his laugh. “Hell, I don’t know. I guess I like tampering with the fates.”
“Dad.” Kelly was scooting down the narrow row sideways in a rush to return to her father. “Missy wants me to sit with her. You don’t care, do you?”
Once again Royce hesitated before answering. “Go ahead.”
“Thanks, Dad.” Kelly scooted past Catherine, paused and winked. Winked! The same way Royce had winked at her earlier. Only she didn’t know what Kelly meant any more than she’d understood the gesture from Royce.
Kelly left to join her friend, and the tension between her and Royce was so strong, Catherine didn’t know if she could endure it any longer.
“I’ll move.” She started to stand, when he stopped her.
“No,” Royce said automatically, his hand grasping her arm. “Stay.” The word was soft and pleading.
Catherine couldn’t refuse him, and when she sat down, he moved one seat over, sitting next to her. Almost immediately the theater darkened and music filled the room. Royce stretched out his long legs, and his thigh inadvertently brushed hers. Catherine’s breath caught in her throat at the sudden rush of sensation that raced up and down her limb. Royce, too, gave a small gasp. The firm pressure of his leg felt muscular and hard. It was funny how easy it was for her to forget how good a man can feel. Catherine glanced up to find Royce openly studying her. His eyes were bright with a heat that warmed her from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. With a determined effort she dragged her gaze away from his.
Royce shifted his weight and with a good deal of reluctance moved his leg. They both breathed a little easier. This was difficult enough without adding more temptation, more fuel to the fire.
Catherine doubted that either one of them was able to follow the plot of the movie. If anyone had asked her, Catherine wouldn’t have been able to discuss a single detail. Her concentration was centered on the man sitting next to her.
At some point, Royce thrust a bucket of popcorn between them. In an effort to fix her attention on the screen, Catherine reached for a handful of the kernels and ate them one by one. About the third or fourth dip into the bucket, Catherine’s hand inadvertently bumped Royce’s. She quickly withdrew her fingers, only Royce wouldn’t allow it. He reached out and grasped her hand, then slowly, as if damning himself for his weakness, laced his fingers one by one with hers. His grip was tight, his nails cutting into her smooth flesh. It was as though he never intended on letting her go. The bucket of popcorn disappeared, and still Royce held her hand.
There was no way Catherine could explain the tumult of emotion that overtook her at the gesture. A host of unexplainable sensations assailed her, hidden, unrecognized emotions were so prominent that her head started to spin. If he was kissing her or touching her breasts or making love to her, Catherine could have understood, could have accepted her reaction.
But all he was dong was holding her hand.
She’d never felt more vulnerable or more exposed. She was risking everything that was important to her. Royce was taking a chance with his career, and for what?
The question was a harsh one, and the answer…the answer was even harsher. She knew next to nothing about Royce. He’d been married, his wife had died and there was a child. He was Navy, a man born to lead others. He was respected. Admired. But they’d never sat down and talked about their lives, never shared anything beyond the basic everyday-working-together kind of conversation. That they should experience this powerful pull toward each other, this forceful attraction, was a quirk of nature. There was no rhyme. No reason. Yet it would have taken an act of congress to move Catherine out of that movie theater.
The film ended. Catherine was hardly aware of the fact until he released her hand. She wanted to protest, longing to maintain the contact, as innocent as it was, until the last possible moment.
“Catherine,” he whispered, leaning close. “Go now.”
“But…”
“For the love of God, don’t argue with me. Just leave.”
Something in his voice, a warning, a threat, Catherine didn’t know which, prompted her to move quickly. “I’ll see you Monday,” she said, standing.
But she’d be thinking about him every minute in between.
* * *
“Is there something going on between you and Commander Nyland?” Elaine Perkins asked Monday morning when Catherine arrived for work.
Her heart sank to her knees before quickly rebounding. “What makes you ask that?” she asked, forcing her voice to remain light and breezy.
“He wants to see you first thing. Again.”
“He wants to see me first thing?” Catherine was beginning to sound like an echo.
“And when the almighty commander speaks, we obey,” Elaine said as a means of reminding them both. “All I want to know is what you’ve done this time?”
“What makes you think I did anything?” Catherine asked as she hung up her coat.
“Because he looks like he’s in a mood to wrestle crocodiles. That man is as mean as a shark with a toothache, and if I were you, I wouldn’t tangle with him.”
“Don’t worry.” Squaring her shoulders, she approached Royce’s office and knocked politely.
“Come in.” His frown deepened when he saw her. Perkins was
right; Royce didn’t look any too cheerful. The iceman had returned. Gone was the indulgent father, replaced by the man so ingrained in military procedure Catherine was convinced she had been imagining someone else on Saturday.
“Sit down, Lieutenant Commander.” She wasn’t Catherine any longer, but a rank.
She did as he requested, not knowing what to expect.
Royce rolled a pencil between his palms. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue exercising together in the afternoons.”
Catherine’s eyes flew to his. It was the only thing they shared, that time together, and although it was entirely selfish of her, she didn’t want to give it up.
“I realize you have as much right to use the track as I do, so I’d like to suggest a schedule. Unfortunately the afternoons are the only time I’m free….”
“My schedule if far less restrictive, sir,” she said, bolting to her feet. “Don’t worry. I’ll make an effort to avoid any possibility of us meeting. Would you like me to stop frequenting the Kitsap Mall while I’m at it?”
The telltale muscle leaped in his jaw. Catherine didn’t know why she was taking the offensive so strongly. He was only saying and doing what needed to be done, what should have been said long before now. But she felt as if the rug had been pulled from beneath her feet and she was teetering for her balance.
“You may shop wherever you choose.”
“Thank you,” she returned crisply. “Is that all?”
“Yes.”
Catherine turned to leave.
“Catherine…” He stopped her as she reached his door. She turned back, but he shook his head. “Nothing, you may go.”
Chapter Four
Catherine understood. Conclusively. Decisively.
Commander Royce Nyland, her executive officer, she reminded herself, was shutting her out. Apparently it was easy enough to do. He’d rerouted his emotions so often that barricading any and all feelings for her was a simple matter.
She, unfortunately, wasn’t achieving the same level of success. Royce Nyland had invaded her life. As hard as she tried, her efforts to adjust her own attitude had done little, if any, good.
She didn’t want to feel the things she did for him, and frankly she didn’t know how to deal with them. This was a new experience for her. How was she supposed to block him from her mind when thoughts of him filled every minute of every day?
He’d ordered her to stop, she reminded herself. When a superior officer spoke, Catherine, ever loyal, ever Navy, obeyed. No one had told her it was going to be easy. But then again, no one had bothered to explain how damn difficult it would be, either.
Nothing like this had ever happened to Catherine before, and frankly…Frankly, she didn’t want it happening to her now.
Royce didn’t want to jeopardize his career. She didn’t want to jeopardize hers, either. He had little use for love in his life; she’d lived without it so long she didn’t know what she was missing. If he could ignore the empty hole that grew deeper and wider with each passing day, then, she determined, so could she.
Maintaining her daily exercise program became of primary importance to Catherine. Never having liked running in the streets, she ran on the base track at odd hours of the day. She was careful not to infringe on Royce’s time, holding on to this small link with him because it was all she had.
Early Friday morning, two weeks after Royce had called her into his office for their latest discussion, Catherine parked her car close to the jogging track.
She’d just finished her second lap when another runner joined her, coming up from behind her, gaining on her easily.
“Good morning.”
Catherine’s throat constricted. She’d worked so hard not to intrude on his exercise time, running in the early morning hours in order to avoid the possibility of them stumbling into each other.
The immediate sense of unfairness and outrage was nearly overwhelming. Instantly she wanted to confront Royce, shout at him, demand that he leave her alone, but he spoke first. “You’re angry.”
“You’re damn right I am. What are you doing here?” Her voice was low and accusing. Suddenly she felt tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of ignoring emotions so strong she was choking on them. Tired of hiding.
“I need to talk to you.”
“So talk.” Her nerves were raw, stretched to the breaking point. They had been for weeks.
They jogged half a lap before he spoke. For someone who was so eager to communicate, for someone who’d broken the very rules he’d initiated, he seemed to be having a hard time getting started.
“I had to do it, Catherine,” he said with enough force to shake the ground. The words weren’t loud, but packed with emotion. “We’ve both been in the Navy too long, and love it too much to risk everything now.”
“I know.” Her anger vanished as quickly as it had risen and her voice trembled slightly despite her best efforts to keep it even and unaffected. She wasn’t nearly as good as Royce when it came to disguising her emotions.
“What I didn’t realize was how damn difficult it was going to be.” He said this softly, as though admitting to a wrong-doing, as though it were important she know.
Catherine knotted her hands tightly at her sides. She never expected him to admit it, never dreamed he would. He’d given every indication that pushing her from his thoughts, from his heart, hadn’t caused him a moment’s concern. Surely he must have known how difficult it was for her. She’d buried herself in her work, repainted her entire apartment, stayed up late listening to Johnny Mathis records in a futile effort to forget Royce. But nothing worked. Nothing.
“Kelly asks about you every night,” Royce confessed next.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, knowing that involving his daughter in this had made everything more difficult. “I didn’t purposely run into you that day.”
“I know. I’m not blaming you, I just wish to hell it hadn’t happened. No,” he altered quickly, regretfully, “that isn’t true. I’m thankful Kelly met you.”
“It would have been better for us both if it hadn’t happened.” Yet Catherine would always be grateful for that one day with Royce and his daughter. It gave her something to hold on to for all the long, lonely nights.
“There’s a rumor going around,” Royce said after a moment. Catherine’s heart tripped. The fear must have shown in her eyes because Royce added, “It’s not about us, don’t worry.”
The military abounded with rumors. That Royce thought it important enough to repeat one to her meant something was deeply troubling him.
“I heard by means of the grapevine that I may be sent over to Turkey to work at NATO.”
His words fell like heavy stones upon Catherine’s heart, each one inflicting a sharper, more profound pain. “Oh, Royce.” Her tone was low and hesitant, filled with concern.
“If I am, I’ll need someone to take Kelly for me.”
Catherine would do it in a heartbeat, but surely there was someone else. A relative or a long-standing family friend. As a single parent, Royce must have completed a parenting plan so there would be someone to take Kelly with as little as twenty-four-hour’s notice.
“I spoke to Kelly about the possibility of us being separated last night. I didn’t want to alarm her, but at the same time I didn’t think it was fair to hide it from her, either.”
Catherine nodded, impressed with his wisdom in dealing honestly with his daughter.
“Kelly’s lived in Bangor all her life, and I’d hate to uproot her.”
“I understand.” The ten-year-old had already lost her mother, and if her father were to be given shipping orders to the Middle East, everything that was familiar to Kelly would be stripped from her. The fact he’d been stationed at Bangor this long was something of an oddity.
“Sandy’s family lives in the Midwest. She was never close to her mother and had lost contact with her father several years before. She has a couple of stepbrothers, but I’ve never bothered to keep
in touch with them. To be honest, I haven’t heard from her side of the family since the funeral.”
“Kelly can stay with me,” Catherine offered.
They had stopped running by this time and were walking the track, their pace invigorating. The air was cold and clean, and when Royce spoke, his breath created a thin fog in the autumn morning.
“If you can’t, my parents will be happy to have her, but they’re living in a retirement community in Arizona, and frankly, I hate to complicate their lives at this point.”
“I mean it, Royce. I’d love to have Kelly stay with me.”
“Thank you,” he whispered. His voice was hoarse, and intuitively Catherine knew how difficult it was for Royce Nyland to admit he needed someone for something. Knowing he needed her, even if it was for his daughter’s sake, did something to her heart. Her vulnerable heart. Susceptible only to him.
Royce picked up the pace, and they resumed jogging at a leisurely pace.
“How’s Kelly taking the news?” Catherine asked, concerned about the grade schooler.
“Like a real trooper. I think she’s more excited about the possibility of living with you, something she suggested by the way, than she’s concerned about me leaving.”
“Typical kid reaction.”
“She really took to you.”
Catherine smiled, her heart warming. “I took to her, too.”
Royce laughed. It was the first time Catherine could remember ever hearing Royce amused.
“What’s so funny?”
Royce sobered almost immediately. “Something Kelly said. Hell, I didn’t even know she wanted a sister.”
“A sister?”
Royce looked away abruptly. “Never mind,” he said curtly.
They circled the track once more, their time slipping away like sand between splayed fingers. It felt so good to be with Royce, these moments together were like a rare, unexpected gift meant to be savored and enjoyed. Catherine had trouble keeping her eyes off him. He was tall and lean, his muscular shoulders broad. The sunlight was breaking over the hill, glinting on his thick, dark hair.
They parted at the last possible minute. Royce left first, heading toward the office. Catherine took a hurried shower. She stood under the spray, letting it pelt against her face and tried not to think of Royce being transferred all the way to Turkey.
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