by Susan Lewis
Jessica looked at her fresh young face and felt her torment as though it were her own – sharp and harrowing, deep and relentless. If only she could take the pain from her completely, instead of sharing it, then Nikki could be free, and not have to carry this terrible burden any more.
‘Do you think she’s all right where she is?’ Nikki whispered brokenly, and as tears welled in her eyes Jessica had to blink back her own.
‘Yes, of course,’ she responded. In truth, she wasn’t sure if she believed it, for the days were long past of having trust in a merciful God and his heaven, but it was what she had to tell herself, and what Nikki needed to hear.
‘I keep thinking what if she didn’t die straight away?’ Nikki said shakily. ‘What if she was crying and needed us . . .’
‘Sssh,’ Jessica said, pulling her into her arms. ‘They said it was instant. That she didn’t feel anything . . .’
‘But she must have known she was falling.’
‘Of course, but you can’t torment yourself like this. It won’t bring her back, and it’s not helping you at all.’
‘I know, but I can’t seem to stop,’ Nikki replied, tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘I keep thinking about all the times I was mean to her . . .’
‘And she was mean to you. Sisters are like that.’
‘But I was older . . .’
‘And what about how lovely you were to her? The way you used to take her shopping, help with her homework, keep her secrets, show her how to do her hair . . . Think of all the happy times you shared, when you used to laugh and laugh, and Dad and I never knew what you were laughing at . . .’
A smile wavered onto Nikki’s lips. ‘She was such a giggler, wasn’t she? It was always so easy to make her laugh.’
Jessica smiled too. ‘I remember you telling her that a comedian should have an audience full of Natalies, he’d think he was a massive success.’
Nikki chuckled. ‘She was really noisy too,’ she said. ‘Everything she did . . . We all knew about it . . .’ Her voice faltered. ‘I suppose that’s why we miss her so much, it seems so quiet without her.’
‘Quiet? With Harry?’ Jessica teased.
Nikki rolled her eyes. ‘Maybe not.’ She took a breath that came out shakily. ‘Did you see him in my shower cap earlier?’ she asked. ‘He’s got it on now, while he’s asleep. He’s such a fool.’ She swallowed hard, then her voice was ragged again as she said, ‘I love him so much, Mum, I just couldn’t bear it if we lost him too.’
‘Oh darling,’ Jessica said, holding her tightly. ‘That’s not going to happen.’
‘I know, I mean, I think I know, but I feel so afraid sometimes. Don’t you?’
‘Of course. We all do, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. It’s only natural that we’d be feeling insecure now – something happened that shocked us deeply, and it’s hard to trust after you’ve had your world shattered like that. But it will get better. I promise. Soon we’ll be able to put it behind us, and live our lives normally again. In some ways we already are.’
‘But I don’t want to leave her behind.’
‘Oh no, we’ll never do that,’ Jessica assured her. ‘It’s only the grief we need to let go of, not the love. That will always be with us.’
Nikki sighed and rested her head on her mother’s shoulder.
They sat quietly for a while, barely listening to the music, simply feeling the comfort of one another.
‘Mum?’ Nikki said finally, twisting her fingers round Jessica’s. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Well, is . . . I mean, like is everything OK with you and Dad? You’re not going to break up or anything, are you?’
Startled, and disturbed that Nikki should be thinking that way, Jessica said, ‘No, of course not. Whatever put it into your head?’
Nikki shrugged. ‘I don’t know. It’s just . . . I suppose you don’t seem as close as you used to.’
Jessica smoothed her hair. ‘Like I said just now, we need time to get back to normal, all of us, including me and Dad, and I promise you, we’re not going to break up.’
Nikki lifted her head and looked uncertainly into her mother’s eyes. Then seeming reassured by what she saw there, she changed the subject again. ‘You know, I’m really worried about my results. If I don’t get the right grades . . .’
‘I’m sure you will,’ Jessica said soothingly, ‘so your place at uni will be safe.’
‘But what if I don’t?’
‘You know we’ve made arrangements for you to resit, if the worst has happened. Everyone understands what pressure you were under, how difficult it was for you to sit them at all considering what you were going through.’
Nikki sighed. ‘Actually, they were kind of like a lifesaver at the time,’ she confessed. ‘It gave me something else to think about, but now they’re over . . .’ She shook her head, apparently at a loss.
‘What about Freddy?’ Jessica ventured. ‘Isn’t he something else to think about?’
A blush accompanied Nikki’s smile. ‘He really is cute, isn’t he?’ she said. ‘I mean, I know he’s like nearly four years older than me, but I really think he might be interested.’
‘Dad seems convinced of it.’
Nikki glowed. ‘You know, I really love Dad,’ she said. ‘I mean, he gets on my nerves sometimes, but he’s usually so cool with everything.’
‘He’ll be very glad to hear you love him,’ Jessica smiled. ‘I’ll be sure to tell him. In fact, I’ve been thinking about doing something to let him know how special we think he is.’
‘Really?’ Nikki responded, intrigued. ‘Like what?’
‘Well, you know how much he loves to entertain and it’s been a while since we had anyone round, I mean in any kind of numbers.’
‘You’re thinking about throwing a party?’
Jessica grimaced. ‘Not a party, exactly, a dinner. It’s more his kind of thing to sit around the table with lots of wine and friends, putting the world to rights.’
Nikki nodded. ‘So how many are you thinking of?’
‘Well, we can seat fourteen comfortably, so why go any higher? Will you help me put together a guest list? I was thinking we could start with you and Freddy, if you don’t think us oldies will be too boring.’
‘Oh my God, you are like so ahead of yourself,’ Nikki gasped, flushing deeply. ‘He hasn’t even asked me out yet.’
‘But he will, I’m sure. So now we need to come up with another ten . . . But not tonight. It’s past three already, and if you’re getting a lift with Dad in the morning you’ll need to be up at seven.’
As they walked up the stairs with their arms round one another, Nikki said, ‘Do we have to invite Melissa to this dinner?’
Jessica’s eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘I think it would look a little odd if we didn’t,’ she said. ‘Why? Is she coming on a bit strong with you at the office?’
‘No, it’s not that exactly, but she didn’t give you a job and I think that really sucks when she knows what a hard time you’ve been having.’
Jessica laughed. ‘I can hardly keep up with you, Nikki Moore. I thought you blew up at me earlier because you didn’t want me to go back to work.’
‘Yeah, well, I had a chat with Dad after, didn’t I, and he made me see how important it is for you to have something to do. So I think it’s really mean of Melissa to turn you down.’
‘Actually, so do I,’ Jessica conceded, ‘but I’m sure she has her reasons, so before we strike her off the guest list, let’s wait and find out what they are.’
Chapter Three
THE FOLLOWING MORNING they were all in the kitchen, Harry wolfing down Coco Pops, Nikki begging to borrow one of Jessica’s more daring tops, Charlie reading the paper while listening to the radio, when the phone started to ring.
Jessica and Charlie immediately looked at one another. ‘Who’s that at this hour?’ Harry demanded for them.
‘It’ll be
for you,’ Jessica said to Charlie, and returned to the packed lunch she was preparing for Harry.
‘Hello,’ Harry sang cheerily into the phone. He listened, then said, ‘Um, I think you’ve got the wrong number.’ His eyes moved uncertainly to Jessica, then to Charlie as he listened again. ‘We don’t know anyone called Ronnie,’ he said.
Jessica’s face darkened.
‘Grandma,’ Charlie reminded him, and reaching across the table he took the phone.
‘Hello, Charlie Moore here,’ he said. ‘Can I help you?’
‘Sorry to bother you so early,’ said the voice at the other end. ‘It’s Rufus Keane again. We spoke yesterday.’
‘I remember,’ Charlie responded, ‘but I’m afraid the answer’s still the same, we’ve no idea where Veronica is, and I don’t wish to be rude, but how did you get this number?’
‘I found an old phone book of Ronnie’s in her desk,’ he replied. ‘I really am sorry to bother you so early, but I have a flight to catch and I was hoping to speak to your wife before I leave . . .’
‘She won’t be able to tell you anything different,’ Charlie interrupted. ‘We haven’t had any contact with Veronica for over two months.’
‘I understand that, but I was wondering if your wife might be able to put me in touch with some of Ronnie’s other friends, to see if they could shed some light on where she might be.’
Charlie was starting to look troubled. ‘You’re making it all sound mightily mysterious,’ he commented darkly.
‘I rather think it is,’ came the reply.
Charlie’s eyes moved to Jessica, and putting a hand over the receiver he relayed the message.
‘Oh, all right, give me the phone,’ she snapped, and aware of Nikki and Harry watching her with some apprehension she tried to temper her tone as she said, ‘I’m afraid, Mr . . .?’
‘Keane.’
‘. . . that I can only repeat what my husband’s just told you, I’ve no idea where my mother is – and at the risk of sounding rude, if you are as close a friend of hers as you say you are . . .’
‘Actually, I didn’t . . .’
‘. . . then you’d know how unlikely it is that I would.’
‘I’m aware of the difficulties between you,’ he said, still sounding perfectly polite in spite of her tartness, ‘but it’s not like her to take off without . . .’
‘Once again,’ Jessica cut in, ‘if you know her at all, then you’ll be aware that she has a long history of taking off without telling anyone where she’s going, or how long she’ll be, so rest assured she’ll turn up sooner or later, bad pennies always do. Now I’m sorry if she’s run out on you . . .’
‘Mrs Moore, I should tell you that I’m not one of your mother’s more intimate friends, as you seem to be thinking. My wife and I live next door to her, here in Oxfordshire. We generally check her mail and keep an eye on things when she’s away, and it’s usual for her to give us a number where we can contact her, should we need to. We’re worried because she left here ten days ago saying she’d be gone a day or two, and we haven’t heard from her since.’
Feeling suitably abashed at having presumed he was one of her mother’s conquests, Jessica adopted a much gentler tone as she said, ‘I see, but I’m afraid I still can’t help you. I have no idea where she might have been going.’
‘Well, that’s just it – she left us a note saying she was going to London for her usual check-ups and things, and that she was hoping to see you while she was there.’
Jessica turned to look at Charlie. ‘Even if she intended to come here,’ she said, ‘we still haven’t seen her.’
‘Then I don’t understand what could have happened to her. Please don’t think I’m objecting to taking care of the house, it’s simply that we started to worry when we realised how long it had been since she’d been in touch. Oh, excuse me, they’re announcing my flight, I’ll have to go. I should be in Rome by midday – if it’s all right with you, I’ll ring again once I’ve checked into my hotel to see if you can give me some other names and numbers to call.’
‘By all means,’ she replied, ‘but I can tell you now that I know virtually no-one in my mother’s social circle, so I doubt I can be of any help.’
After putting the phone down she turned to find the children staring at her expectantly, while Charlie was behind the paper again.
‘Well?’ Nikki prompted.
She pulled a face, and going back to making Harry’s packed lunch she gave them a quick precis of what had been said.
When she’d finished Nikki said, ‘So aren’t you worried?’
Jessica shrugged. ‘Why should I be? You know very well what she’s like. She probably met someone on the train and got herself whisked off to Rio de Janeiro or Timbuktu or some tumbledown pile in Totnes.’
‘But aren’t you at least interested to know what she was coming to see you about?’ Nikki pressed.
Though Jessica was, she ignored the question, for they all knew, without her having to tell them, that there was only one thing about her mother that interested her now.
Nikki looked at her father as he said, ‘Maybe we should tell this guy to try getting hold of Maurice. If anyone’s likely to know where she is . . .’
‘Do you have a number for him?’ Jessica interrupted tersely. ‘No, nor do I.’
Nikki said, ‘Are you sure she didn’t come here?’
‘If she did, we must have been out,’ Jessica replied.
Nikki’s eyes turned playful. ‘Wow, you haven’t offed her, have you?’ she asked.
Jessica threw her a distinctly unamused look.
‘What? It was just a joke,’ Nikki responded sulkily.
‘Which wasn’t even close to funny,’ Jessica informed her. ‘Now unless you two want to be late, I suggest you get going. And yes, you can wear my pink lacy top, seeing as you already have it on, but it had better come back in the same pristine condition it’s in now, or you’re buying me a new one – and just so’s you know, it cost a hundred and fifty pounds.’
At that Charlie’s head came up. ‘That little scrap of a thing cost a hundred . . .’ Seeing Jessica’s face he bit back the words. After all it was her money, not his – and when had he ever refused her anything anyway? But really . . . It was no bigger than a couple of ten-pound notes with a couple of sparkly chains and some floaty sort of gauze stuff holding it all together. Well, if nothing else, Nikki was going to go down a treat at the studios today, which, now he came to think about it, was very probably the intention.
‘So,’ Nikki said, busy pressing a text into her phone as she and Charlie inched through the morning jam on Holland Park Avenue, ‘what did you make of all that?’
‘You mean about Grandma?’ he replied. ‘I’m not sure. What did you make of it?’
Nikki shrugged. ‘She definitely didn’t seem too bothered about it, did she?’
‘Well, you know how she feels where her mother’s concerned.’
‘But if this bloke Keane’s worried, maybe as family we should be too.’
‘Perhaps,’ Charlie conceded, ‘but I guess it has to be her call.’
Nikki no longer seemed to be listening as she started another text, so letting the subject drop Charlie turned on Radio 4, only to have it changed seconds later to some pop station.
‘You might have asked,’ he commented.
Nikki looked at him blankly.
He rolled his eyes. ‘So, do you think there’s any chance you might go back to your natural colour some time soon?’ he enquired, turning into Campden Hill Road.
‘Oh don’t start again,’ Nikki grumbled. ‘I like it like this. Everyone says it really suits me.’
‘Then they’re wrong, but what do I know, I’m just your father who happens to prefer blondes.’
‘Really?’ she responded mildly.
He glanced at her in surprise, but her head was down as she read an incoming text so he was unable to see her face. Thinking better of asking her what she was imply
ing, he hooked on his earpiece to answer his phone.
By the time he ended the call another was coming in, followed by another, then another, until they were almost at the studios, and his mind was full of the day ahead.
‘So are you enjoying your job?’ he asked, as he steered the Jaguar into the underground car park.
‘Yeah, it’s cool. Everyone’s really nice. Elsa’s letting me do some research on inner-city housing today for some features they’ve got coming up.’
Charlie was impressed. ‘Well, I’m glad they’re making good use of you,’ he commented. After pulling into his reserved space he said, ‘I hope you’re not taking too much notice of any gossip you might be hearing.’
Nikki shrugged. ‘What, you mean like about Mum and the job?’
‘Well, yes,’ he answered, though it wasn’t actually where his mind had been. ‘How did you hear about that?’
‘Someone was talking in the canteen. I don’t think they realised I was there, or maybe they didn’t know I was your daughter . . .’
‘Who was it?’
‘I only know one of them – Frances, Melissa’s PA. Oh my God, there’s Freddy,’ she gasped, and immediately sank down in her seat.
Charlie rolled his eyes. ‘You’re not going to make much progress if you start hiding from him like that,’ he told her, pushing open his door.
‘I don’t want to see him while you’re there, not after you took his photo. Are you sure you didn’t tell him it was for me?’
Charlie grimaced. ‘Well, I suppose I might have mentioned . . .’
‘Oh Dad, no!’ she cried, ready to be mortified. ‘You did, didn’t you?’
‘It’ll be fine,’ he told her. ‘Now come on, I’m due in a meeting at eight thirty and it’s already twenty-five past.’
‘I am like so mad with you,’ she said furiously, as she loaded her phone, make-up and magazines back into her bag. ‘Everyone’s going to know. They’ll all be talking and laughing . . .’
‘They won’t,’ he said irritably. ‘Besides, you shouldn’t listen to gossip.’
‘Oh, like, when it’s about me I’m not supposed to mind? Get a life, Dad.’