by Susan Lewis
He wasn’t surprised when the knock came on his door, but it filled him with dismay. If it turned out to be her, he’d have to find a way of letting her down without incurring her wrath, for the last thing he needed right now was to make an enemy of his executive producer. However, any misplaced desire he might have had to try to prove himself with her had well and truly vanished, because he really didn’t want to have sex with her at all.
Going to the door, he pulled it open and was about to step outside rather than take the risk of letting her in, when the wind was all but knocked from him as Nikki came breezing in, saying, ‘Hey Dad, I’ve got Mum on the phone. If you ask me she’s a bit tipsy, but I thought you’d like to say hi.’
Still blinking, Charlie took the mobile she was handing him and watched her kick the door closed behind her before making off to the bathroom. Then putting the phone to his ear he said, ‘Hi darling, are you and Lilian having a good time?’
‘Fantastic,’ Jessica answered. ‘How about you? How’s it going up there?’
‘So far, so good. I think I’d rather be there with you two though. How’s Lilian?’
‘She’s great. I’ll put her on in a minute. I just wanted to warn you that Harry’s sportsteacher is going to be in touch to ask if you’ll officiate at the sports day next week.’
‘I’ve already agreed to it,’ he reminded her.
‘I know, but I think they’re a bit nervous after Jonathan Cowley let them down at the eleventh hour last year. Anyway, how’s Nikki getting on?’
‘Haven’t you just spoken to her?’
‘Yes, but I wanted to get your take on it.’
‘Well, if we’re talking about her performance as a back-up researcher-cum-gofer, she’s making her father proud. She’s showing a real knack for getting to the heart of an issue and putting it into as few words as possible. Everyone’s really impressed with her. Or so they’re telling me.’
‘I hope you’re passing it on, it’ll help her confidence no end.’
‘Of course I am.’
‘Good. And what about things with Freddy?’
‘You’ll know more about that than I do, I’ve been on air most of the afternoon. She seems to be doing a good job of staying professional though.’
‘That’s my girl. And has Melissa exploded out of her red dress yet?’
He laughed. ‘Not yet, but we live in hourly expectancy of it.’
It was Jessica’s turn to laugh. ‘Here you are, I’ll put you onto Lilian now,’ she said. ‘We’re going out this evening, by the way, so if you need to get hold of me for any reason I’ll be on my mobile.’
‘What’s happening to Harry?’
‘He’s going to stay at the Cowleys.’
‘So it’s OK to go out with Lilian, but not with me?’
‘Lilian’s not famous.’
‘Right, so I need to give up my job and everything I do in order to get a date with my wife?’
‘Don’t be silly. Now I’m not going to argue. Here’s Lilian, and Harry will want to speak to you after, so don’t ring off.’
A moment later Lilian was saying, ‘Hi Charlie, how are you? I’m sorry to have missed you.’
‘Likewise,’ he responded tonelessly. ‘It sounds as though you two are having a good time.’
‘Don’t we always?’
‘How does she seem to you?’
‘The way you might expect, considering what she’s going through.’
He sighed and looked up as Nikki came out of the bathroom.
‘How about you, how are you coping?’ Lilian asked.
‘I’m fine,’ he lied. ‘Nikki’s here, if you want to have a word, but before you go, thanks for coming over. I know you’ve got a lot on at the moment, so I really appreciate you taking the time.’
‘You know how much she means to me, so I’m glad you asked.’
As Nikki took the phone back from her father, she flopped out on the bed and spread out her limbs. ‘Hi, Lilian,’ she cried with a happy smile. ‘You two are so blitzed, and don’t pretend otherwise, because I’ve already spoken to Mum.’
Charlie looked down at her as she laughed at Lilian’s reply, then picking up his files and mobile phone he said, ‘I’ll see you downstairs.’
Quickly putting a hand over the mouthpiece, Nikki said, ‘If you’re off to the meeting with Melissa, it’s cancelled. Sorry, I meant to tell you when I came in.’
Slightly thrown to discover that the meeting had been official after all, Charlie reminded himself that he’d had no intention of going to Melissa’s room anyway, he’d just wanted to escape his own in case she came to find him. However, he might as well go now, so blowing a kiss to Nikki, he told her to tell Harry to call his mobile before he went off to the Cowleys, and left her to it.
He took the lift down to the lobby where scores of journos, conference delegates and general public were milling around before the next session began. His mobile rang, and seeing it was Rufus Keane returning his call he immediately clicked on.
They didn’t speak for long. With so much noise going on around him Charlie had a job to make himself heard, but in the end he managed to let Keane know that he should check Veronica’s phone book for the number of her lawyer, Maurice Halden-Bligh.
‘He’s an old friend of hers,’ Charlie told him. ‘Retired now, but they’re almost certainly still in touch, so there’s a chance he might know where she is.’
‘It’ll be agreat relief if he does,’ Keane responded. ‘I’ve heard her talk about a Maurice from time to time, but I didn’t know his surname.’ Then he added something that Charlie didn’t quite catch.
‘I’m afraid I have to go,’ Charlie told him, ‘but please feel free to call me any time if you have some news.’
Almost before he’d rung off he was accosted by one of the producers, who drew him into a group of highly animated Japanese delegates, most of whom appeared more interested in being introduced to him than they did in their reason for being there. It wasn’t difficult for him to be polite and charming, he’d been in his position for so long it was second nature, but when Melissa sauntered up to join them and murmured in his ear that he was looking tired, he excused himself much more abruptly than he’d intended, and all but collided with a Cabinet minister as he headed away from her, back into the conference hall.
‘So how are things going between you and Charlie now?’ Lilian was asking as she and Jessica handed their menus back to the waiter. ‘Any improvements?’
Jessica’s vision was slightly blurred as she looked past Lilian to the scattering of other diners in the small Thai restaurant which she’d chosen because she’d eaten here before without running into anyone she knew – or who presumed to know her. So hopefully they’d be spared any interruptions in their small, candlelit corner. ‘No, not really,’ she answered, wishing now that she hadn’t drunk so much wine. ‘I mean, we’re OK on the surface, life goes on more or less as normal, but underneath . . .’ Her eyes went to Lilian, then dropped to her hands as she said, ‘He still won’t discuss what happened, not in any detail, and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t even allowed himself to cry yet. He’s just blocking it all out, or trying to, and to be honest it’s starting to scare me, because it’s obviously not good for him to bottle it all up like this.’
Lilian’s eyes showed how concerned she was. ‘What about things on the physical front?’ she asked gently. ‘Any change there?’
Jessica shook her head. ‘I know he feels terrible about it, but instead of trying to deal with it he’s internalising it, the way he is his grief, and I don’t know what to do to help him.’ She sighed shakily. ‘He’s suffering so much inside, and I know seeing me suffer is making it worse, because he can’t do anything about it. He feels he’s let me down, he even says so sometimes, and the awful thing is, there are times when I feel as though he has too. Not over Natalie, there was nothing he could do to prevent that, but in the way he’s refusing to deal with it, or to accept that my mother’s hidin
g something. It feels like such a betrayal. Not only of me, but of Natalie too.’
Lilian sat back in her chair, a pale flush staining her cheeks. After a while she said, ‘I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but grief can play strange tricks on the mind . . .’
‘You’re right, it’s not what I want to hear,’ Jessica interrupted. ‘You’re going to tell me I’m not thinking straight, that I’m in my own kind of denial, or searching for someone to blame. I don’t want to start falling out with you too, so maybe we should talk about something else, because things always seem to turn ugly when my mother’s name comes up.’
Lilian sighed and looked down at her wine. ‘You’re going through a difficult enough time without avoiding issues with me too,’ she said, ‘so even if I don’t always agree with you, you should feel free to say whatever you want to me.’
Jessica smiled, then in an attempt to move past her despair she said, ‘I keep reminding myself that I have so much to be thankful for, my children, my marriage – provided it doesn’t end up falling apart, and please God don’t let that happen, because if I lost him too . . .’ Her eyes closed as the horror of it settled around her heart like a cold fist.
‘You won’t,’ Lilian assured her.
‘Then there’s my health,’ Jessica pressed on, ‘my financial security, my lovely home . . . Thousands of people out there would give anything to be in my shoes, while all I want is to kick them off and run away to a place where no-one will ever find me again. Sometimes it’s like I just don’t want to be me any more, but if I somehow managed to stop I’d lose Charlie and the children and . . . Oh God, listen to me, I hardly even know what I’m talking about any more. Maybe I am losing my mind and I haven’t quite realised it yet.’
Seeming to feel herself on more comfortable ground now, Lilian said, ‘You know, this is all a very natural reaction to what you’re going through. Something inside tells you that if you can escape from reality, and give up being you, the pain will stop.’
Jessica nodded agreement, then glanced up as the waiter arrived with their first course. As he set about explaining the dish, lifting small terracotta lids from scooped-out platters to reveal succulent crayfish in seaweed wrappers beneath, she was aware of how closely Lilian was watching her.
When they were alone again, Lilian said, ‘I think you and Charlie need a holiday. Just the two of you, far from here, where nobody knows you, and you’ve got all the time in the world to work this through.’
Jessica nodded. ‘I’m sure you’re right, but I’m afraid holidays seem to be on the list of subjects we’re not discussing at the moment.’
Lilian was about to respond when a voice beside them said, ‘Jessica? Is that you?’
Frowning, Jessica looked at the woman’s enquiring face, trying to recognise her, but the woman’s next words confirmed that they’d never met before.
‘I hope I’m not interrupting,’ she said, ‘but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.’
Jessica forced a smile. ‘Thank you,’ she responded.
The woman glanced at Lilian, then said, ‘I lost a child myself a few years ago, so I understand how it feels.’
Lilian looked at her sympathetically, as Jessica said, ‘I’m very sorry to hear that.’
The woman attempted a smile, but there were tears in her eyes, and for the next few minutes she told them how her son had died of leukaemia aged seven and a half.
As she left Jessica turned back to Lilian, tears in her eyes too. ‘There’s so much pain in the world,’ she said, ‘and now everyone seems to want to share theirs with me. I suppose it’s quite touching in its way, but it makes me feel so useless when I can do nothing to help.’
Lilian’s expression softened as she reached across to put a hand over Jessica’s. ‘It’s probably more of a comfort than you realise just to be able to tell you,’ she said.
Jessica smiled, then looked at Lilian’s mobile as it started to ring.
Seeing who it was Lilian apologised, then hurriedly clicked on, and Jessica could almost feel the change that came over her as she moved from being supportive friend to loving wife. ‘Hello darling,’ she said. ‘Did you get my message?’
As Lilian listened to the reply Jessica picked up her chopsticks and tried to eat. She had very little appetite though, nor did she seem able to shake the melancholia that was enveloping her. All she could do was think of the place Luc was calling from and wish she was there – with Natalie. It was filling her up like the grief, making her long for the impossible, even as she longed for Charlie and the way things used to be. Suddenly she wanted to call him, just to hear his voice, but he was on air now, and Lilian would be ringing off soon.
She tried again to eat, and this time managed a small mouthful. It was funny, she was thinking to herself, how no-one ever asked her what she thought her mother might be hiding. They all seemed perfectly ready to accept the official version of events, and showed no willingness even to entertain the possibility that there might have been more. The truth was, she was glad they didn’t ask, for she had never put her suspicions into words, not even to herself. They were just there, dark and terrible, like shadows moving across a window, or the warning of a storm that might devastate everything in its path if it ever arrived. And it might not, she told herself firmly, because she wanted desperately to believe that it never would.
‘He says hi,’ Lilian said, putting her mobile down.
Jessica picked up her wine again. ‘How is he?’ she asked, letting go of her fears as she pictured Lilian’s handsome husband.
‘Fine. Struggling to stop his father from overdoing things, and annoyed with an editor in Paris who’s handing out an ultimatum – take the assignment or there’ll be no more – but other than that, I think he’s missing me.’
Seeing how her eyes were sparkling, Jessica raised her glass. ‘Thank God one of us is happy,’ she said.
‘And you will be again,’ Lilian assured her. ‘You’re under a lot of pressure right now, but you and Charlie love one another far too much not to work this out. So you’ll get past it. I promise.’
‘Of course,’ Jessica responded, feeling certain it was true, yet still finding it hard to believe.
Lilian regarded her with gently laughing eyes, and finally Jessica returned her smile. ‘That’s better,’ Lilian said. ‘Now let’s see if we can at least get through this first course without any more interruptions, because I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.’
Wishing she were too Jessica picked up her chopsticks again, but had hardly taken a mouthful when her mobile started to ring. ‘Nikki,’ she announced, recognising the ringtone.
Lilian rolled her eyes. ‘How many times is that today?’
‘I’ve stopped counting. In fact, I’m starting to wish Freddy would hurry up and do the flaming deed, or I’ll never get any peace. Hello darling,’ she said sweetly into the phone.
‘Hey Mum,’ Nikki replied. ‘How’s everything with you?’
‘Great. Lilian and I are having dinner at the Thai place. What are you up to?’
‘Not much. Dad’s on air, and Freddy’s had to go down to interview someone in the lobby.’
‘Oh, I see. You’re sounding very relaxed compared to the last time we spoke.’
‘I’m cool. It’s all like totally fantastic.’
Jessica’s eyes narrowed. ‘What is?’
‘Sex, Mum. Getting laid. Making love.’
Jessica’s heart skipped a beat. ‘You’ve done it? It’s already happened?’
Nikki gave a screech of excitement. ‘It was all like totally brilliant, Mum. He was so romantic and caring and he took care of everything . . . And he called me just now, while his interviewee was being miked up, to say he thought I was really special and that he can’t wait for it to happen again. Oh Mum, I am so in love.’
Though Jessica couldn’t feel entirely thrilled, she was smiling as she looked at Lilian. ‘Have you told Dad?’ she asked.
‘Don’t be insane. I can’t talk to him about that sort of thing. But it would be kind of OK if he knew, so I was hoping you’d tell him when he comes off air. It’ll be at one o’clock.’
‘I’ll be in bed . . .’
‘No, no. You’ve got to call him, or he might end up finding out through someone else, and that would be so . . .’
‘How many people have you told?’ Jessica cut in.
‘Only you! But you know how things get around, and they will if Freddy spends the night in my room. You can tell Dad everything you and Lilian have been talking about today too, if you like, that’ll probably slow down his adrenalin and bore him off to sleep.’
Jessica’s eyebrows rose. ‘Charming,’ she commented.
‘Whatever. Just promise me you’ll call him.’
‘OK. If that’s what you want.’
‘I do. So don’t forget. One o’clock. Love you,’ and the line went dead.
‘Well, there’s someone else who’s happy,’ Jessica commented, putting the phone back next to her plate. ‘Apparently the deed is done.’
Lilian clapped her hands, then peering at Jessica she said, ‘So how do you feel about it?’
Jessica laughed self-consciously as tears began glistening in her eyes. ‘The truth? I want her to stay a baby so I can keep her close for ever, and make sure nothing bad ever happens to her. But now here she is, already blossoming into a woman.’
Smiling, Lilian said, ‘A natural reaction. Are you going to tell Charlie?’
Jessica nodded. ‘It’s what she seems to want, though it might not be what he wants at one o’clock in the morning, or at any other time come to that. However, I guess she’s right, it would be better coming from me than from the crew grapevine.’