by Susan Lewis
His face was turning very pale now. ‘I know it’ll be hard,’ he cut in nervously, ‘but look at it this way, it might make other men – and women – think twice before they cheat on their spouses again, because this is a terrible example of how one snatched decision, driven by selfishness and lust, had the worst possible outcome.’
Jessica stared at him, dumbfounded. ‘I can only think that the drugs you’re on have addled your brain,’ she told him frankly. ‘You’re not some kind of one-man crusade to save the world from infidelity. Your only job is to save yourself from the depths you’ve sunk to.’
‘I know that, but if I can help others along the way . . .’
‘Charlie! For heaven’s sake, listen to yourself. You’d never have thought about it like this before.’
‘I’d never been to hell and back before.’
Jessica’s eyes closed as despair and frustration descended on her in a cloud of helplessness. ‘Look, I know you’ve been through a rough time, but it hasn’t been easy for the rest of us either. So how do you think it’s going to be for Nikki and Harry if you go announcing to the world how you left Natalie for others to take care of? Harry doesn’t even know, so is this how you want him to find out?’
Charlie’s eyes fell away. ‘I wasn’t actually going to discuss that part of it,’ he said. ‘I just feel as though I have to make amends somehow . . .’
‘Well this isn’t the way to do it, and anyway, no-one says you have to. What’s important is that you try to forgive yourself, not go out there seeking a pardon from your great viewing public, because you won’t get it. Take it from me, Charlie, people won’t understand . . .’
She broke off as the door opened and Nikki came in. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I couldn’t help overhearing,’ she said, appearing both determined and anxious, ‘and I’m not going to let him do it either.’
Charlie looked at her in confusion, then as his eyes went back to Jessica he seemed to slump inwardly, and rubbing his hands over his face he said, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise it would upset . . . Maybe I’m not thinking straight.’
‘What you’re doing is thinking about yourself all the time,’ Nikki told him brutally, ‘and it’s just not fair when Mum’s been carrying the burden around here. You hardly think about her at all, and what she’s been going through . . .’
‘That’s enough,’ Jessica said gently. ‘I thought you were leaving at twelve.’
‘I am. It’s still only ten to.’ Then, turning back to Charlie, ‘Promise me you’re going to turn this interview down,’ she said, her tone uncompromisingly firm.
Charlie looked at her.
‘I’m telling you, if you do it, she’ll leave you,’ Nikki informed him as though it were a foregone conclusion, ‘and I for one won’t blame her.’
Charlie’s anxious eyes went to Jessica.
Jessica only looked at him, letting her silence speak for itself.
‘Oh God,’ he groaned helplessly. ‘Of course I won’t do it if you feel that strongly.’ Then, pressing his fists to his head, ‘What’s happening to me? Am I losing my mind?’
‘No, of course not,’ Jessica said. ‘You just have to try to understand that the rest of your life isn’t going to be about your grief, or your guilt, or even some kind of penance. You’re focusing too much on it now. You need to start letting go a little, which is why it’s a good idea for you to read the news a couple of times next week. It’ll help get you back in the swing, and restore some proper perspective, because this isn’t the only time you’ve lost sight of it lately.’
He nodded slowly, then apparently sunk in the disgrace of his other confusions, he looked from Nikki to Jessica as he said, ‘I know I’m a waste of space, and I don’t deserve either of you . . .’
Jessica turned away. ‘If you’re going to start down the self-pity route,’ she said crisply, ‘then you’re on your own.’
There was a rare twinkle in Charlie’s eyes as he looked back at Nikki. ‘Well that told me, didn’t it?’ he said.
Nikki came to embrace him. ‘Get rid of that email and do as Mum says,’ she murmured, giving him a kiss. ‘Now I have to go, so behave yourself with Grandma and Maurice, and call if you need to chat.’
As she left the study, Charlie turned back to Jessica, who was sitting at her computer now. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘I should have realised how much it would upset you without putting you through all this. Maybe it is the drugs. They seem to be helping in some ways, but . . .’ He sighed and wiped his hands over his face. ‘They’re not doing much for me in other parts either,’ he went on hoarsely, ‘so I’m letting you down all over the place.’
‘Don’t worry about that,’ she told him, keeping her eyes on the screen. ‘All that matters is to get you fully well again so you don’t have to take them any more.’
Getting to his feet he came to stand behind her, and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘I know I probably shouldn’t ask,’ he said in barely more than a whisper, ‘but is there a chance you’ll consider coming back to our bed some time soon? I miss you, and I think I might sleep better if you were there.’
Resting her cheek on his hand, she said, ‘It’ll happen, don’t worry. Just don’t try to rush things.’
Accepting that for now, he stooped forward to press a kiss to the top of her head, then turned at the sound of a car pulling up outside. ‘That’ll be Freddy or your mother,’ he said, going to the window. ‘Your mother,’ he announced. ‘I’ll pop out and help them in with their bags.’
For a moment Jessica carried on with what she was doing, finding it easier to absorb herself in the household accounts than to make a swift transition from angry and confused wife to forgiving and welcoming daughter. Not that she wasn’t pleased to have her mother and Maurice staying for the weekend, in fact she’d rather spend time with them than the so-called friends in whose circle she and Charlie were supposed to belong. That kind of pretentiousness and one-upmanship was something she never wanted back in her life, though she guessed it would be hard to keep refusing it once the ever-popular Charlie was back on form. Still, that was a problem for another time, she wasn’t going to worry about it now. She was simply going to make sure everyone had a lovely two days, and hope they managed to get through it without too many references to what had happened before.
She found her mother in the kitchen a little later, busily unpacking all the food and champagne she and Maurice had brought with them and loading it into the fridge.
‘I thought I’d find you here,’ Jessica said, dropping down from the last step.
Veronica turned round, joy lighting up her blue eyes which had managed to remain bewitching, and even sultry, in spite of her sixty-something years and the slight droop of a left lid. Her youthfully ruffled hair was a vivid shade of silver, while her small heart-shaped face and pretty mouth were as exquisite and childlike as a doll’s. They were also, Jessica was aware, along with her vivacity and curvy figure, what had made so many men want to take care of her over the years, as well as full and frequent advantage.
‘How are you darling?’ she said, having to go up on tiptoe to embrace her daughter. ‘You’re looking a little tired, if you don’t mind me saying so. You know my offer of a day at the spa stands for any time you’d like to go. Or two or three days. Or we can take a holiday together, because I’m sure you need one, and there’s always Maurice’s house on Capri.’
‘I’ll bear it all in mind,’ Jessica assured her. ‘Now tell me how you are. Happily, you’re not looking tired. In fact you’re looking rather good.’
‘Oh I’m just scrumptious,’ Veronica responded with an airy smile. ‘No more nasty little turns, they all seem to be in the past now, thanks to you and Charlie, of course.’
Jessica’s smile faded, for she sensed where her mother might be going next and she really didn’t want to revisit the excruciating scene of apology and forgiveness the therapist had put them all through several weeks ago. ‘Where’s Maurice?’ she asked, be
fore her mother could continue.
‘Still upstairs with Charlie, I expect, having a bit of boy talk. I must say Charlie seems to be looking much better today. Has he put a little weight back on?’
‘Some, but he’s still a long way off regaining what he lost. Has he told you he’s thinking about going back to work?’
Veronica clapped her bejewelled hands. ‘Oh, that’s excellent news. Apart from anything else it’ll be a load off your mind, I’m sure. So how did the meeting go with your publisher? Nikki told me the bits she read were excellent.’
‘Nikki’s nothing if not loyal,’ Jessica responded dryly, ‘but it went very well. I’m looking forward to carrying on with the rest of it now.’
‘I imagine she was very impressed by how quickly you came up with the first chapters,’ Veronica commented, returning to the fridge. ‘You don’t have a deadline until the middle of next year, do you?’
‘No, but I love doing it, so I spend a lot of time at it. What on earth have you brought all this for? Or are you planning to stay a month?’
Veronica gave a chirp of laughter. ‘Would that I could, but between us I’m sure Maurice and I would have driven you completely insane by then.’ She turned to look at Jessica, then came to put a hand on her face. ‘Is it very hard?’ she asked gently.
Jessica immediately shook her head. ‘It’s fine,’ she said. ‘We’re getting through it.’
‘I always felt sure you would, but I have to admit . . . Well, there aren’t many women who could forgive what he did, and with your own best friend.’
‘Yes, well, let’s not keep going there,’ Jessica responded, a little more abruptly than she’d intended. ‘Charlie tells me you have a surprise, which I guess is what the champagne’s about. He thinks Maurice has popped the question, is he right?’
Veronica chuckled. ‘There would be no surprise in that,’ she told her, ‘but I want to wait until we’re all together before I tell you what it is.’
‘Grandma! There you are,’ Nikki cried, bouncing down into the kitchen. ‘I’m just off, but I couldn’t leave without saying hi. How are you? You look fab, as usual.’
‘So do you,’ Veronica assured her, gulping at the crushing embrace. ‘Is Freddy outside? I should go and say hello, but be warned, once he sees me in this gorgeous new pants suit you might have lost him for the weekend.’
‘She’s incorrigible, isn’t she?’ Nikki laughed as Veronica wiggled off up the stairs. Then, turning quickly back to Jessica, ‘Are you OK? Have we talked him out of that madness?’
‘Yes, I think so. I shouldn’t have got so angry . . .’
‘Oh, like you weren’t justified? Anyway, the important thing is that he’s thinking about doing the news again, and he was talking to Freddy about a really interesting documentary idea the other night, so his brain is functioning normally on some levels, which means he’ll be out from under your feet soon enough.’
‘Am I that obvious?’ Jessica said with a smile. ‘First Grandma, now you . . . And actually, I’m fine with him here, just as long as he lets me get on with my book and . . .’ Doesn’t try to make me sleep with him, she was thinking, but she could hardly say that to Nikki, so instead she said, ‘. . . doesn’t try to take things too fast.’
Nikki smiled fondly into her eyes, then hugged her.
‘I’m glad you’ve gone blonde again,’ Jessica told her. ‘Dad’s right, it always suited you better.’
‘Yeah, and Freddy’s like treating me to all the jokes, so I’m thinking, duh, should have stayed dark. Anyway, are you going to ask Grandma who your father is?’
Jessica rolled her eyes and laughed. ‘Darling, that’s the last thing on my mind . . .’
‘You told me last night that the therapist said you should. It’s time for clarity, or something like that . . .’
‘And maybe he has a point, but I’ve never got a straight answer out of her yet, so I really don’t expect one now.’
Nikki shrugged. ‘Your call, but personally I’m dying to know, so if you do get round to it and she tells you, just text GST, or MR, and I’ll know it means Greek Shipping Tycoon, or Minor Royalty. Oh my God,’ she cried with a splutter of laughter, ‘I’ve just realised what it is right now – Father Unknown.’
‘Charming,’ Jessica replied. ‘Now, if I were you I’d go and rescue Freddy before she manages to get herself invited to Somerset for the weekend. Where’s Harry, by the way?’
‘In his bedroom showing Dad and Maurice some new computer game. OK, loving you and leaving you . . . Let me know what Grandma’s surprise is as soon as she tells you – and if she’s planning to wear white at the wedding, tell her from me, she’s got a nerve.’
Laughing, Jessica watched her go, and was just turning to carry on unloading her mother’s shopping when out of nowhere she found herself thinking of Lilian. It often happened like that, thoughts flying up from her psyche and bringing a pang of emotion with them, but they were soon gone again. They were no more than old habits taking a while to fade, she told herself, but this time instead of brushing it aside she allowed herself to think of Lilian for a while, and how much she missed her. Then she imagined her at the vignerons’ ball this evening, flushed with happiness at almost seven months pregnant, dancing in Luc’s arms and loving the feel of the baby kicking inside her. Then she banished the thought, knowing it never did any good to go there, for it only made her more unsure than ever about the direction her own life was taking.
A while later Charlie was pouring champagne into everyone’s glass as Jessica and her mother continued laying out the picnic lunch Veronica had brought, and the adorably myopic Maurice with his thick, creamy white hair and ruggedly handsome face, was trying to understand the mysterious world of mobile phones that Harry was teaching him. Outside the rain continued to drum on the conservatory roof, making the windows all steamy and wet, and bringing a sense of cosiness to the kitchen that Jessica found almost as pleasing as she used to.
‘So, time for our surprise, I think,’ Veronica announced, once all the glasses were full.
‘Oh cool!’ Harry declared, bounding into the chair next to her. ‘Dad reckons you’re getting married.’
Veronica’s eyebrows rose. ‘Then Dad would be wrong,’ she informed him haughtily.
‘Not that I haven’t asked,’ Maurice piped up.
‘Oh, everyone knows that,’ she chided, ‘and I’ve told you, we will, one of these days, when I can find the right dress. No, our important news is that I am going to move in with Maurice on a permanent basis, so . . . and here comes the surprise . . . I’m going to sell my house and give all the money to Nikki and Harry. That way, we can avoid all those nasty tax men getting hold of it when I pop off.’
Harry’s eyes were almost as big as Jessica’s. ‘Am I going to be a millionaire?’ he asked.
Veronica laughed delightedly. ‘Not quite, darling, but we do think we’ll get around four hundred thousand for it, so even with the way things are that should provide an excellent start for both you and Nikki when you come to buy places of your own.’
‘Nikki’s already thinking about it,’ Harry informed her earnestly. ‘She wants to move in with Freddy, but she hasn’t told Mum and Dad yet, because she thinks . . . Huh,’ he gasped, clasping a hand over his mouth as he realised he’d let the cat out of the bag.
‘Oh, I’m sure Mum’s worked that out for herself,’ Veronica told him. ‘So, now, shall we all drink to my decision? I hope you’re not going to argue, darling, because you’re looking very like you might . . .’
‘But Mum, you can’t. What if you need the money . . .?’
Maurice cleared his throat.
‘You see, I’m very well taken care of,’ Veronica reminded her, ‘and I know you and Charlie already have the company flat, as well as this house, so why shouldn’t I try to help the children?’
‘You don’t have to,’ Jessica said, suspecting the gesture was, at least in part, to try to make up for what had happened to Natalie.
>
‘I’m aware of that, but I want to. So, it’s all decided. Now let’s drink to windfalls, shall we, because I do so love them, and none of us ever have enough of them.’
Jessica looked at Charlie, but he appeared as stuck for any more protests as she was. Then a mischievous look came into his eyes as he said, ‘You know, it’s giving me an idea.’
They all waited expectantly.
‘No, I want to give it some more thought before I tell you what it is,’ he decided, ‘so come on, drink up. To windfalls.’
‘To windfalls,’ they echoed, and after they’d all taken a sip, including Harry, Charlie went to slip an arm round Jessica’s shoulders and whispered, ‘I know it’s not your birthday until next week, but I want to tell you today how much I love you, not only for the way you’ve stood by me through all of this, but just for being you and making me the luckiest man alive.’ He kissed her briefly on the mouth. ‘I hope, on the day itself, I’ll be able to show you, as well as tell you, just how much you mean to me.’
Chapter Twenty-Eight
THE WEEK PASSED in much the same way as all the other weeks, the only difference to this one being Charlie’s return to the screen for a few hours, and the impromptu party afterwards to toast the successful comeback. The celebrations didn’t last long, since Charlie wasn’t allowed much alcohol, and Jessica, who’d driven in for the event, soon realised how much it was tiring him so whisked him off home. However, there was no doubt it had boosted his morale no end to be back in the world he knew, surrounded by cameras, lights, friends, and at least some of the attention he craved. For her part, she could hardly have been more relieved when she’d turned on the TV to see him looking so normal and in control, and even able to handle an acrimonious Israeli–Palestinian interview during his first ten minutes. In fact, if it weren’t for the weight loss and extra lines around his eyes no-one would ever have guessed at the black despair he’d been through, or the self-loathing, or the longest, darkest hours of all when he hadn’t wanted to go on.