by Susan Lewis
‘Yes, of course,’ he answered, not meeting her eyes. ‘What about you?’
‘Fine,’ she said, sitting down and unfurling her napkin.
As they started to eat she waited for him to say more, but he didn’t, so she asked him about his day. He was less than forthcoming, and when he made no effort to ask about hers it didn’t as much irritate as perplex her. Clearly he had something on his mind, but for the moment he was keeping it to himself. Wondering if he was afraid she was about to tell him it was over between them, she began considering doing just that. After all, why force herself to go along with his plans just to prove she was letting her own dreams go? If she was being totally honest with herself, the only reason she was still trying to keep them together was for Harry’s sake, so if Charlie wanted his son perhaps he should be giving as much thought to staying in London as she was to going to New York.
Then, realising she was being too harsh, and that a trip to New York in February was hardly too much to ask, she put her cutlery down and picked up her glass. ‘I have something to tell you,’ she said.
At the same time he said, ‘You don’t have to go through all this, really. I’ve been expecting it . . .’
‘Charlie listen, I want to tell you . . .’ She broke off and started again. ‘Well, I’ve been thinking . . . Maybe we should try a separation for a while.’ She stopped breathing. She really hadn’t known until the words came out that she was going to say them, but she had now, and in spite of the tension she couldn’t deny how relieved she suddenly felt.
On the other hand she was never going to feel good about hurting him, but before she could attempt to temper her suggestion he said, ‘Well, you’ve certainly taken your time.’
She blinked in surprise.
‘Ever since Lilian rang I knew that sooner or later you’d want to go to him,’ he continued tersely. ‘Of course, I can’t stop you, I understand that . . .’
‘Lilian rang?’ she echoed in amazement.
It was his turn to look surprised. ‘Just before Christmas. She wanted to speak to you, but you weren’t around so she said she’d call back.’ The expression on her face prompted him to say, ‘Clearly she didn’t.’
‘Why did she call?’ she asked, feeling slightly dizzy and breathless.
With a cold edge to his voice he said, ‘She’s left Luc, she’s lost the baby . . . What more can I tell you? What more do you want to hear?’
She sat back in her chair, too stunned to know what to say.
With a bitter laugh he shook his head as he realised what this meant. ‘You didn’t know he was free again, but you wanted a separation anyway. Well, isn’t that great?’
She pushed her hands through her hair. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘everything’s suddenly . . . I thought . . .’ She looked at him and for the strangest moment she felt as though she was drowning. Then realising there was air, only air, all around her, she took a deep, exhilarating breath.
‘So what next?’ he asked. ‘I suppose you’ll be moving to France.’
‘For heaven’s sake,’ she cried. ‘I haven’t even had time to absorb this yet.’
‘What is there to absorb? He’s available now, it must be what you want . . .’
‘Oh Charlie,’ she said, realising his hostility was to hide the pain he was feeling, ‘please don’t be angry. I know this isn’t easy . . .’
‘The company flat’s coming free at the end of the month,’ he broke in. ‘I could move over there . . .’
‘If you’re going to New York . . .’
‘I’ll tell Schultz it’s not on,’ he said curtly. ‘It was only to give us a fresh start, but I guessed when Lilian called that wouldn’t be what you wanted, so I’d rather be in London. It’s where I belong, with the people I know.’
She nodded. ‘For what it’s worth I think it’s the right decision.’
‘And you? You’ll want to take Harry with you, I suppose?’
Seeing the tears in his eyes, she had to swallow hard before she could reply. ‘Charlie, I haven’t seen or spoken to Luc in months, so I can’t tell you anything until I do.’
He nodded and looked down at his glass. ‘I suppose there’s always a chance, when you do see him again, you won’t feel the same way,’ he said bleakly.
She knew how unlikely that was, but she didn’t have the heart to crush his hope, small though it was, so all she said was, ‘I guess you never know.’ Then finally realising that she might be seeing Luc again, and soon, she could hardly contain all the emotions that began flooding into her heart.
The following morning Jessica spent a long time on the phone talking to Daniella, then after checking Charlie’s schedule to make sure he’d be around for Harry, she went online to book herself a flight. She didn’t speak to Luc. She knew if she told him she was coming he’d insist on meeting her at the airport, and she didn’t want the first time they saw one another with the freedom to touch and embrace to be in a public place. She had to admit that there was also the possibility she might end up cancelling, or at least postponing, for she needed to tell Nikki where she was going and why, and she had no idea how Nikki was going to react.
‘Do you want to talk to her with me?’ she asked Charlie, when she told him what she intended to do.
‘No,’ he replied. ‘I’ll be around if she wants me to join in, but I think you need to talk to her on your own.’
Understanding his reluctance was in part because he didn’t want to hear her discussing her feelings for Luc, she didn’t press the issue. She merely chose an evening when he was at home, and Nikki was more or less recovered from her flu – and when Harry was engrossed in one of his programmes. She would tell him, of course, that she was going to Valennes, but he was too young to take in the full complexities of why, the way Nikki could and since she still had no idea what the outcome would be once she saw Luc, she didn’t want to start confusing him now.
‘So, what’s the big mystery?’ Nikki asked, all intrigued, as Jessica came into her room. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, dressed in a pink lacy tank top and pyjama bottoms, and with her hair scraped back behind her ears. She looked so much younger than her eighteen years, Jessica was thinking as she went to sit on the bed with her. It seemed a very poignant sort of irony that today of all days she should look so very like Natalie.
Smiling, she lifted a hand to Nikki’s cheek and brushed it softly. ‘I’m afraid there’s no easy way to tell you this, darling,’ she began.
Immediately Nikki’s eyes filled with alarm. ‘Oh my God. You and Dad are breaking up, aren’t you?’ she cried. ‘I knew it was going to happen. Oh Mum, I don’t want you to. I want us all to stay together.’
As she threw her arms round her, Jessica held her close and stroked her hair. Then after a while she said, very gently, ‘You’re right, we are, but there is a little more to it.’
Nikki pulled back to look at her, full of suspicion and fear.
‘When I was in France last summer,’ Jessica said, ‘Luc and I . . .’
Nikki’s eyes rounded with horror. ‘Oh no, don’t go there. Please don’t go there,’ she protested, backing away.
‘We didn’t have an affair,’ Jessica told her, ‘but we did become close.’
‘Oh my God,’ Nikki groaned into her hands. Then her head came up sharply. ‘You’re doing it to get back at Lilian, aren’t you?’ she challenged. ‘That’s what this is about . . .’
‘No, it isn’t. It happened before we knew anything about Dad and Lilian, and it wasn’t something we planned, or even really wanted to happen . . . I guess it was . . . Well, like when you fell for Freddy, you didn’t consciously decide you would, you just did, because there was an attraction between you . . .’
‘But I wasn’t married to someone else!’ Nikki cried wildly. ‘Nor was he. And what about Lilian’s baby? Or have you conveniently forgotten about that?’
Jessica’s eyes went down for a moment. ‘Apparently she lost it,’ she said. ‘Dad only told me a c
ouple of nights ago. Lilian called just before Christmas, and broke the news to him then. She’s not with Luc now. She said she’d call back to tell me, but she never did.’
Nikki’s eyes were still bright with hostile confusion. ‘So what? Luc slings her out because she can’t carry a baby . . .’
‘No, of course not. He’s not like that, and you know it. I spoke to Daniella yesterday and apparently Lilian left of her own accord. She didn’t feel . . . She thought he probably didn’t love her any more, and when there was no longer a baby to consider . . .’
‘Does she know about you?’
Jessica nodded.
‘So he doesn’t love her, because of you?’
‘Only he can answer that.’
‘Oh God,’ Nikki seethed, covering her face again. ‘I hate this. I hate it. Please make it go away.’
‘Nikki, listen to me.’
‘No, no, I can’t,’ she cried, blocking her ears. ‘I don’t want to hear any more . . .’
‘Darling, I’m speaking to you as an adult, so please try to behave like one.’
‘Well I don’t feel very adult when my mother tells me she’s going off with another man, like the rest of us don’t matter . . .’
‘That’s not what I said, so stop putting words in my mouth and please listen.’
Nikki’s expression turned sullen.
Sighing a little, Jessica said, ‘One of the hardest things we ever have to deal with in our lives is change, especially when it means having to let go of things that have made us feel safe. You’ve had a lot to cope with since Natalie died, trying to get used to her not being around, then finding out what happened at the cottage, what Dad’s been through since . . . It’s been too much already, I understand that, and with all my heart I wish I wasn’t having to make you go through any more . . .’
‘Then don’t,’ Nikki wailed. ‘No-one’s forcing you to. I mean, I know what Dad did was terrible, but you’ve forgiven him now . . .’
‘I’m still trying,’ Jessica corrected gently, ‘but even if I manage to, my feelings just aren’t the same for him any more. I know how hard that is for you to hear, and I promise, it’s hard for me to say. Obviously I care about him . . . I still love him in a way, but it’s not the kind of love that’s going to keep us together.’
‘It might if it weren’t for Luc.’
Jessica shook her head. ‘Even before I found out Lilian had left Luc, I’d already decided that Dad and I need to separate. He’s not going to New York now, so you don’t have to worry about that, and nothing’s going to change right away. I need to see Luc first to find out if the way we felt about one another last summer is still how we feel now.’
‘So it might not be?’ Nikki said hopefully.
Jessica’s smile was sad. ‘No, it might not,’ she said, but only because it was what Nikki wanted to hear. ‘I’m going over there on Friday . . .’
‘For how long?’ Nikki jumped in.
‘Until the following Thursday, unless I decide to come back earlier. I definitely won’t stay any longer though.’
Nikki turned her face away as more tears welled in her eyes.
‘Oh darling,’ Jessica said, gathering her in her arms. ‘No-one will ever matter more to me than you and Harry, but I don’t think, in your heart, you want to make me stay somewhere I don’t want to be. Especially when you’re starting out on your own life now.’
‘Yeah, well, maybe I’ve inherited Grandma’s selfish gene, because I do want you to stay here. I don’t want you to go to France, even for a few days.’
‘So you want me to cancel?’
‘Yes!’
Jessica looked at her.
Nikki’s expression became more mutinous. ‘Yes!’ she repeated. Then, banging her fists into the bed, ‘What about Dad? He’s just been through a terrible depression, a virtual nervous breakdown, this could set him off again . . .’
‘I don’t think it will, but if it does, we’ll deal with it then. I’m not going to abandon you, any of you.’
Though Nikki was trying with all her might to stay angry, Jessica could see it starting to drain out of her, until finally, looking bewildered and dejected, she said, ‘Oh God, Mum, this is all such a mess. How am I going to leave Dad here on his own, if you go? I can’t move in with Freddy then, can I?’
Thinking of the selfish gene, Jessica only smiled as she said, ‘Of course you can. I’ve told you enough times, you have to stop assuming responsibility for me and Dad and live your own life. He’ll agree with me on that, I can promise you . . .’
‘He might say it . . .’
‘Listen,’ Jessica interrupted more firmly. ‘You’re getting far too ahead of yourself. No decisions have been made yet, about anything, nor will they be until I go to France. Then when I come back we’ll talk again. OK?’
After a while Nikki nodded, then sighed heavily as Jessica got up to leave. ‘Mum?’ she said.
Jessica turned back.
‘I know I should probably wish you good luck, but I’m sorry, I can’t.’
Jessica smiled. ‘That’s all right.’
‘I mean, what I really, really hope is that you find out you don’t want to be with him, or he doesn’t want to be with you.’
‘I know,’ Jessica whispered, and opening the door she left the room.
Chapter Thirty
DANIELLA WAS WAITING beside the car when Jessica walked out of the arrivals hall on Friday afternoon. Seeing her beautiful, welcoming smile brought such a rush of emotion to Jessica’s heart that she clasped her straight into her arms, while the feel of French rolling off her tongue as she greeted her was even more delicious than she remembered.
‘You look wonderful,’ she told Daniella, wondering why she’d never noticed before how like her brother she was. ‘As gorgeously exotic as ever.’
Daniella laughed and rolled her eyes. ‘It is a miracle with three such dreadful children that I have not yet turned into a hag,’ she declared. ‘But Claude, he would divorce me if I did, so I must keep myself together. And you, Jessica, you look beautiful, chérie. Your hair is longer, and your eyes are very lovely and . . . mystérieux. I think you are happy, no? It shows in your face.’
Knowing how sunken and shadowed her eyes had become over the last few months, Jessica had to laugh at the ‘mysterious’. ‘I am very happy to see you,’ she told her.
Daniella winked, then loading Jessica’s bag onto the back seat she waited until Jessica was buckled up before starting out of the airport. ‘This is so very exciting and romantic,’ she declared, as they sped away from the payage onto the autoroute. ‘I have told Claude that I am finding him very boring now, so he must do something like this for me. Do you know what is his answer? He tell me that you are doing this for Luc, so it is time I do something for him, and if I need any ideas, he will very much enjoy to have a slave in the bedroom, and he is prepared to give me the job, but only if I pass the exam.’
Jessica’s eyes were dancing. ‘Dare I ask what the exam is?’
‘I don’t know yet, but I am sure I will find out soon. He is in Paris until tomorrow but when he comes back maybe you and Luc will find some time to come over to the château. It is all right, you do not have to give me an answer now. I know you will have a lot of . . . er, catching up to do.’
Jessica’s eyes closed as a wave of anticipation and happiness washed over her. Then belatedly realising what Daniella had said she cast her a look, wondering how much she knew – and seeing the mischievous gleam in Daniella’s eyes she started to laugh.
‘It was not hard to work out,’ Daniella declared. ‘When you tell me you do not want him to kiss you for the first time at the airport – oh là là, if you have not kissed before, then how can you have done anything else? But it is none of my business . . . Ah, I think this must be Claude,’ she said as her mobile started to ring. ‘He will want to know if you have arrived. Oui, c’est lui,’ she confirmed, glancing at the number that came up. Then clicking on she said, �
��Chéri. Elle est arrivée.’
As Daniella continued to talk, Jessica turned to gaze out at the passing countryside, and wondered how she could feel such a sense of belonging to a country that wasn’t her own. Of course she knew it was because it was Luc’s, but even in the murky light of a tepid January sun she could feel its magic embracing her. It was as though something palpable was emanating from the scattered patches of snow on the hills, and from the trees, stripped of their glossy summer foliage now to twist and jut like gnarled, skeletal fingers against the relentless grey backdrop of the sky.
‘Oh là là, this is very interesting,’ Daniella said, when she rang off. ‘Claude has lunch with Lilian today and she happen to ask if you have seen Luc yet. So I think we were right in what we said on the phone, chérie, she was never going to ring back, she was expecting Charlie to tell you that she and Luc were no longer together.’
‘And eventually he did,’ Jessica said, wondering when Charlie might have got round to it, had it not come up when it did.
‘I am afraid it is very typical of a man not to understand the subtleties,’ Daniella commented. ‘Still, what is important is that he did tell you, and you are here.’
Jessica smiled, and because she genuinely wanted to know, she said, ‘So how is Lilian?’
Daniella grimaced and shrugged. ‘Personally, I am not sure,’ she replied. ‘I have seen her only once since she leave Valennes, but Claude sees her sometimes in Paris, and so does Luc when he is there. I think they are trying to become friends, which is very like my brother, because he hates to have bad feeling, or to think he is the cause of someone’s pain. He has given her the apartment, did you know that?’
Jessica shook her head, and thought of how hard all this must have been for Lilian, and how normally she would have been there to see her through it. She wondered if a day might come when they could be friends again. She hoped so, but it was still too soon to try, for she hadn’t yet found it in her heart to forgive the way Lilian had left Natalie, and nor, she imagined, would Lilian be anywhere close to getting over her break-up with Luc.