__________
Atomik Lad paced outside Wayne Hall. The usual intra-campus traffic talked back and forth with itself as students milled all over the grounds like ants.
“Hiya, Sparky.”
He looked up as Rachel descended the stairs that led up to Wayne Hall’s entrance. “Oh, Rachel. Hi,” was the only response he could muster. Her shirt, tied into a knot at the bottom and showing off her shapely stomach, was more than enough to halt all but the most basic mental functions in the sidekick. Her shorts scrambled what was left into some kind of gooey soup. The rest was overkill. Like using nuclear warheads in a knife fight.
“You all right?” she asked. “You look like a starving man just offered a Triple Quarter Pounder.”
“Er, yes. You, I. Er, didn’t have a chance to grab breakfast this morning. Had trouble getting Nuke out of bed.”
She walked down the stairs, a backpack slung across her shoulders. “That’s so funny. Must be fascinating to live with him.”
“Yeah, fascinating.”
“I was getting a little worried, actually. The news said some maniac was terrorizing the roads of Metroville. I thought you might be out saving the city again.”
“Um, you could say that. Anyway, we should get back. Trouble has a way of tackling Nuke every eleven seconds or so.”
“Certainly, Mr. Sparky.” She mock saluted and they walked back to the Nukemobile side-by-side talking about anything.
__________
Blazer was a heap of desperation or depression, he couldn’t decide which exactly, and he was beginning to suspect it was both. “Just decide all ready!”
“But they all look so tasty,” Lord Obese whined.
“Then take them all!”
“That’ll be awfully expensive,” Granite noted.
A feral growl escaped Blazer’s lips.
“Yeah, I’ve only got eight bucks,” Zeeroks said, emptying out her pockets.
“The sinister ninja, Okenshi, terror of the night, does not carry money when he is on the prowl.”
“Why do you narrate yourself in the third person?”
“Okenshi shall not answer your petty question, for he is one with the night and beyond such concerns!”
“I’ve only got pesos on me, oink.”
“We’re robbing this place!” Blazer shouted. “Theft, burglary, stealing. You take what you want regardless of price. That’s the whole concept of thievery! Understand? Take all the donuts, let’s just get going!”
Lord Obese looked over the Wall of Doughnuts. “But I’ve got to watch my weight.”
Blazer clawed at his face. “Why me?”
__________
Nuklear Man’s face showed all the strain one would associate with pushing a mountain a little to the left. “Have to. Save. Doughnut shop!”
The seven villains dashed outside with ease thanks to the entirely missing storefront. Each villain carried two nondescript sacks bulging with pastries. “All right, guys,” Blazer began. His gaze wandered to the yellow car. Any previous train of thought was instantly derailed.
“Herg! Can’t. Let villains. Escape with. Purloined pastries!”
“Que es? Oink.”
They gathered around Nuklear Man. “What’s he supposed to be?” Granite asked, scratching his stony head.
“10:13 and 37 seconds, 38 sec—”
“Shut up!”
“But it’s all I’ve got,” Chronotor whimpered.
“Okenshi, the Death that strikes at midnight, thinks this is Nuklear Man, the Hero of heroes.”
“What’s he doing, crushing himself to death?” Zeeroks asked. Her cat ears flipped in annoyance.
“Hey, bozo!” Blazer taunted. “Why don’t you just let go?”
Nuklear Man paused. With bomb squad-like caution he released his grip of the seat. “Oh. Oh yeah.”
“Well, we were going to wait until you got to the beach, but since fate has deemed that we meet now, we will dispense with you right here!” Blazer announced in true villain style. All those hours in front of the mirror were worth it!
Nuklear Man looked them over. “So who are you guys? The Heinous Hawaiians?”
“For your information, we’re the Socially Mal—”
“No you don’t, I’ll have none of that,” Blazer interrupted. “That’s how we lost those other two last time. You can just call us ‘Your Worst Nightmare!’”
“That’s not terribly original.”
“How about ‘The Anti-Nuklear Coalition’?”
“Not again.” Blazer cupped his face in his hands and tried not to weep.
“Or ‘Okenshi’s Black Legion of Shadow Death.’”
“But, Okenshi, you’re the only one wearing black.”
“Okenshi had a hard time finding a black Hawaiian shirt. But no task is too great and no quarry is too cunning for the prowess of Okenshi.”
“How about ‘The Carbon Rods,’” Chronotor offered.
The rest of the villains gave each other quizzical glances.
“You know, because they stop fission reactions, and that’s nuclear and he’s ‘Nuklear’ Man so—”
“Shut up!”
“Hey!” Nuklear Man stood in his seat. “You’re villains, aren’t you?”
“Hungry villains,” Lord Obese said as he gulped down the last of the doughnuts. He shook the empty sacks. “They’re empty, yet my eternal hunger still screams into my soul—the blackest midnight of a thousand—”
“Shut up!”
“Sorry.”
“Still hungry, eh?” Nuklear Man’s mind raced like a Model-T. “How about some refried beans?”
“Congealed?” Lord Obese asked.
“Completely.”
“Fork it over, puny man.”
“If you say so.” Nuklear Man tossed the small container of beans to the Rotund Raider.
Lord Obese ate it out of the air, container and all. “My hunger burns still!”
“That ain’t the only thing that’s gonna be burnin’,” Nuklear Man muttered.
Lord Obese’s organs rumbled, including the ones that had nothing to do with digestion. A sound bellowed from his stomach. It was not unlike rabid elephants stampeding across a field of geese. His face twisted grotesquely, like every muscle wanted to leave the others. His limbs quaked with a sudden weakness. His gut roared in protest like oppressed colonists.
“Uh, Obese? You feelin’ okay?” Zeeroks asked, tugging on the fat man’s Hawaiian muu-muu.
He began to teeter.
“Run for the hills!” Chronotor screamed. The villains scrambled. “He’ll fall in exactly—” WHUMP “—one...second.”
Nuklear Man’s cape was blast back by the gust of air from Lord Obese’s impact. The last time Earth was hit with something like that it killed the dinosaurs.
Nuklear Man took the opportunity to bask in a righteous Heroic pose.
“Put some clothes on, you freak!” Someone yelled from across the street.
“What is that?” Rachel asked, pointing at the heap of moo-moo covered flesh ahead of her and Atomik Lad. Limbs poked out from under it at unusual angles.
Atomik Lad shifted her backpack on his shoulder. He saw Nuklear Man’s Danger: Pose of Triumph. “This time, I don’t want to know.”
“That’s probably for the best,” she said.
“Ready to go, Nuke?” Atomik Lad asked as they approached the Danger: Nukemobile.
“Gimme a second,” he said, still basking. “Two, three, and done.” He hopped down into the driver’s seat. “Let’s roll!”
“Uh, maybe I should drive. Y’know, for practice.”
“I dunno. You kept grabbing the wheel. We were all over the road. Luckily I’m good enough to overcome your incompetence and saved the day like at least a billion times. Again.”
Rachel giggled.
“Ugh. Well, if I was driving, you could talk to our lovely guest, Rachel.”
“Hello, hello,” the Hero said in his most suave voice. Strangely en
ough, it was among the least suave voices Rachel had ever heard. “Come here often, or do you wait until—”
“Nuke, be polite.”
“You two should take this act on the road.”
“Yeah. The act,” Atomik Lad grumbled. “C’mon, Nuke, what’dya say? I’ll be extra careful, just like you.”
“I don’t think you’re quite ready. Besides, I’m such a good driver, I can woo her with my countless Heroic exploits and still keep us on the road.”
“Nuke, I really think I should drive.”
“Oh what’s the harm, John? He’s Nuklear Man, we couldn’t be safer, right?”
“I like her, Sparky. She pays attention to the propaganda.”
“It’s called ‘Public relations,’ Nuke. There’s a difference.”
“Not when I usurp the throne.”
“What are you—No, whatever. Let’s just go.” Atomik Lad got into the passenger seat and scootched it up for Rachel wouldn’t be too crushed in the back.
“Why thank you, Mr. Sparky. Such a gentleman.”
“I taught him everything he knows,” Nuklear Man bragged.
“That took all of two minutes,” Atomik Lad said as he closed the car door.
“I’m just that good.” Nuklear Man started the car and entered traffic. The world became a much more hazardous place.
“Obese...is...crushing...me.”
“He’s crushing...us all!”
“Has been...for...one minute, seventeen...seconds.”
“He’s...drooling...on me!”
“At least...you’re...not—gasp—by his…armpit, oink!”
“Okenshi...will escape...this simple...trap.”
“This is just a temporary set back,” Blazer said, muffled by the Rotund Raider’s enormous stomach. “We shall reap our vengeance against Nuklear Man.”
“Can we grab some lunch first?” Granite asked from somewhere under the chest region.
“Shut up.”
__________
Issue 16 – Driving Mr. Nuklear (Crazy)
“So then, I look that big ol’ spider right in the eyes—and I ain’t even scared—I look ‘im right in the eyes and says to him, I says, ‘Why don’t you say that to my face?’”
“And then what?” Rachel patronized. She was leaning forward on the seat backs of her companions so she could hear the conversation, which Nuklear Man had completely hijacked, over the roar of the wind.
“He backed down. Yep, he took one look at me and instantly knew the world of pain he was getting into. Still, I am a Hero after all. I was obligated to eradicate the poor bastard.”
“How daring.”
“Oh, that’s me all over, baby.”
“I’m sure it is.” Rachel had the ability to appear as though she gave a damn. She honed it over several months of busting her ass as a waitress. She could be sincere or “sincere” and you’d never know the difference.
“Maybe I could show ya sometime, huh?” he said with as smooth-talkin’ a tone as he could muster. It was a greater failure than his last attempt.
“Nuke!” Atomik Lad shouted. “Look out!” Ahead of them was a mile or so of gridlock.
“Hmm,” Nuklear Man said. “Hang on to your skirts, girls—present company excluded.”
“Thanks? I think,” Rachel said.
“Things are about to get a little crazy.”
“About to get?” Atomik Lad slammed on the brakes from the passenger seat. The Danger: Nukemobile skidded to a halt less than an inch from the rear bumper of the car in front of them.
“What’d you do that for?!” Nuklear Man demanded.
“You were about to get us killed!”
“Feh! Death is for the weak.”
“Even so, we’ll just wait here in traffic like normal people until it clears up.”
“Stupid normal people, always slowin’ Nukie down.”
__________
Minutes later.
“So I’m just going to college for the knowledge, you know. I mean, what’s a major really going to do for someone like me, right?” Atomik Lad said. He was completely turned around in his seat so he could face Rachel. Traffic hadn’t budged an inch.
“Yeah, ‘Excuse me, Mr. CEO, I’ve got to save the world.’”
“Exactly. But I like the university atmosphere and it almost makes me think I’m leading a normal life.”
“Shh.”
They looked at Nuklear Man.
Atomik Lad spoke up, “What’s the—”
“Shh!” the Hero insisted. “Do you hear that?”
There was nothing to hear.
“No,” Rachel answered for them.
“Shh! There it was again.”
No it wasn’t.
“You feeling all right, Nuke?”
The glazed quality in his eyes shone with other worldly knowledge. “I’ve never felt better.” He giggled maniacally before catching himself. He darted his eyes to assure himself that no one had noticed even though they had. “It’s all so clear to me now. Yes. Shh! Did you hear it that time?”
They listened in the hopes of hearing something, anything, but to no avail. “Maybe if you told us what we’re listening for?” Rachel suggested.
Nuklear Man looked at their guest like she had instantly appeared out of nowhere. He grabbed Atomik Lad by the collar and pulled him close. “Who is that?” he hissed in a conspiratorial whisper.
“Um, Rachel.”
The Hero looked back at her. Paranoia was having a field day in his eyes. He turned back to Atomik Lad. “Can she be trusted?”
“Well, yeah.”
“All right.” He released the sidekick. “But my wrath shall be severe should she betray our sacred cabal.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“Oh, I get it.” Nuklear Man gave a knowledgeable wink. “What am I talking about indeed. Very nice, good work.” He sat back in his seat with a content smile. “And we’ll stick to that story, won’t we.”
“What story?”
“Yes, just like that.”
Rachel’s “What?” face met Atomik Lad’s. They shrugged.
“Sometimes,” Atomik Lad said. He paused. “Actually, most of the time, it’s best to pretend that conversations with Nuke never happened once they’re over. You were saying”“Gotcha. Well, I still don’t know what I want to do,” Rachel said. “It feels like such a final decision, you know?”
“That’s what I used to think. But your major doesn’t have to be what your life is about. I mean, look at your parents. I bet their jobs have nothing to do with what they studied in college.”
“I suppose so. Anyway, it’s easy for you to say. You’ve got, well, certain abilities. Being a hero is what you’ve always done. It’s what you’ll always do.”
“And it’s such a terrific fate, let me tell you.”
“I’d give anything to have you what you do. You make a difference in the world. I mean you go and you battle evil. You make the world a better place to live just by being here. You save lives every day. You know you love it.”
“I once read that what you love will destroy you.”
“Isn’t that what your field thingie is for?”
“It comes in handy.”
Nuklear Man heard a thunderous VROOSH! as a turtle rocketed past them, though no such event actually occurred.
“Did you see that?!” Nuklear Man screamed, half standing and pointing to the horizon beyond the endless line of immobile cars stretching ahead of them.
“Er, no,” Atomik Lad and Rachel answered simultaneously.
“How could you have missed that? It was a big rocketing turtle flying past us at unimaginable speed!”
“How’s that?” Atomik Lad asked incredulously.
“The smoke trail, man! Can’t you at least smell the smoke?”
“No.”
Nuklear Man gave a full-body spasm of freak-out. “What is wrong with you people?!”
“Mr. Nuklear Man?” Rachel asked.
“Nuke, what the hell is going on?”
Rachel leaned to Atomik Lad and whispered in his ear. Only his concern for Nuklear Man kept him from melting on the spot. “I took a psychology course last semester. I think he’s going stir crazy.”
“Stir crazy?”
“Yeah, kinda like, I don’t know, Traffic Jam Dementia.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“He’s exhibiting all the symptoms. It’s like he’s been locked up in solitary confinement for too long. Paranoia, hallucinations, skittish, jumpy, delusions. He fits the bill.”
“Actually, it’s not much of a change from his normal behavior. He’s just sorta being exaggerated about it now.”
Atomik Lad turned to Nuklear Man. Another manic giggle escaped from his unstable demeanor. “You see? You see? They laughed at me, yes, they all laughed. But now, now I say, who’s laughing?” He waved a ragged piece of paper in one hand. “It’s all here—all here. All the answers, it’s so simple.”
“Nuke?”
“Right here!” He held the paper to his chest to protect it from the savage talking bears in the car. “You can look at it if you promise not to eat it or something equally bearish.”
“Um, okay.”
“Be careful with those claws! It’s fragile.”
“Sure.”
Nuklear Man giggled at something he probably hallucinated and extended a shaking hand. Atomik Lad carefully took the paper like brain surgery was involved. His eyebrows came together and danced up and down a few times. He cocked his head from side to side, squinted, tried viewing the paper from different distances, turned it upside down, and showed it to Rachel.
“No!” Nuklear Man exclaimed, snatching the paper away. “No salvation for that bear. Not until it proves it can be trusted.”
“Sorry.” Atomik Lad slowly took the paper again and looked at it. “So, um. Just what is all this?” he asked. Haphazard chicken scratches were scrawled in various levels of complete nonsense across the paper.
Nuklear Age Page 14