“Um, aye. Thank ye again,” the Surly Scot said with a slight nod as the stranger jived over to the dance floor. “Hm, Toool Boox, eh? Sounds good and manly. This just might be my kinda place. Good chairs, good people, good drinks...if’n it ever gets here.”
He resumed his table drumming and idly examined the establishment. “Ah just can’t shake the feelin’ that soomethin’ about this place ain’t right,” he noted. He gave the dance floor a piercing Scotsman Stare. “Hmm, just a bunch o’ laddies havin’ a good time. Maybe it’s the bar. No, just a bunch o’ laddies havin’ a good time. Somethin’ about this place just don’t settle with ol’ Angus.”
His dandy of a waiter appeared.
“Finally, me favorite drink is here!”
The waiter delivered the Surly Scot’s giant, gaudy neon colored drink. It had its own bouquet of flowers and a dozen straws sticking out of it. The waiter announced with a flourish, “One Ssuper Ssasssy Ssassparilla Sswirl! Enjoy!”
“Wait a second.” Angus looked to the drink, to the waiter, back to the drink, back to the waiter. Drink, waiter, drink, waiter, dance floor, laddies, bar, laddies, drink, waiter—TWITCH! “Ah didn’t order this blasted sissy French Frilly La-Dee-Dah Drink! Ah ordered me a Super Sexy Sarsparilla Spin with a Swirl! Now Ah know what’s so fishy about this place!”
“Nothing,” the waiter murmured.
“It’s got lousy service! Good day!”
And with that, Angus left the building.
__________
Rachel chomped at her massive sub like a vicious carnivore devouring the feast of a recent kill, a spot of metaphoric mustard-blood in the corner of her lips.
“How’s it goin’ over there?” Atomik Lad asked with a smile before taking a bite from his own sub.
She swallowed. “Ahhh. Fooood.”
“Hungry gal, huh?”
“Hungry to spill your samurai blood.”
“Oh ho. I see how it is. You’ve been fattening me up here to weaken my Whirling Dragon Style so you can beat me.”
“Your Whirling Dragon Style doesn’t need any help from me to be weakened, Champ.”
“Ouch, below the belt.”
“Not quite yet, hon.”
“Gk!”
“Well? You’ve been challenged, Sparky-san. You don’t wanna lose face, do ya?”
“Bring. It. On.”
__________
Angus had found yet another bar. Nothing flashy, no frills, just some tables, a bartender, a few somewhat cooperative stools, regular patrons, and lots of liquor without any hassles. The Surly Scot sipped at his quaff of ale, savoring the life-giving mead for nearly a second before sucking it down like a black hole. “Ahhh, nothin’ beats a good ol’ glass o’ whiskey.”
“Supaa whiskey-san is no good for drinked. Hai.”
Angus’s spine tingled with backwashed fury. He turned to the source of the comment and eyed the Tiny Typhoon to his immediate left. His eye was almost twitching. “What.”
Shiro held up a little decorative bowl and gave a wide friendly smile. “Time for brain action killer is now with sake. Heavy with powaa.”
Angus scowled at his fellow Dwarf Warrior. “Look, ye walkin’ cultural stereotype, Ah’m the one with the hard to understand accent. Git ye own runnin’ gag.”
Shiro took a light sip from his sake bowl. “When dragon go frying, the ways and means of thunder and is loud with following are soon to been go.”
Angus shook. “That’s not even words! Ye just be babblin’ ye bloody head off!”
Another sip. “The neck is fire log when lit with fire.”
“Stop talkin’ nonsense talk!”
One more sip. “Sake betterer than whiskey any day, Joe.”
Angus’s right eye twitched. “WHAT!”
__________
Inside Rachel’s dorm room, a mad flurry of clicking raged like a storm. Swords clashed. Energy fireballs flew, were deflected, and swat away. Battlecries rang against the fast-paced background music and sword-slashing sound effects. Occasionally, a human grunt or curse was uttered. At last a victorious “WAHOO!” echoed through Wayne Hall.
“Crap,” Atomik Lad said. “I almost had you.”
“Almost only counts in Horseshoe Hand Grenades 3D, m’dear Sparky.”
“Don’t suppose you’ve got that one here, do ya?”
“I’m afraid not, but I loved it in the arcade.”
“I’ve got it at my place.”
She snapped her fingers and pointed to the door, “Let’s roll.”
__________
“Now lookie here, ye, ye short laddie!”
Shiro straightened up, squared his shoulders, and stood nearly an inch taller than the Surly Scot. Angus rage-shook a little more violently.
“Whiskey!” Angus announced, shoving his shot glass into Shiro’s face.
“Sake!” Counter-shove.
“Whiskey!” Shove!
“Sake!” Shove!
“Whiskey!” SHOVE!
“...Whiskey!” SHOVE!
“Sa—Oohhh no ye don’t, ye backstabbin’ son of an oppressive nobleman o’ English descent circa 1350 C.E.” He paused a moment. “Well, it’s a right ugly insult where Ah comes froom.”
“Sake!” Shiro insisted and shoved his little drinking bowl one last time. At the apex of this motion the bowl slipped from his fingers, tumbled through the air, and deposited a significant amount of sake into Angus’s shot glass. The two diminutive warriors stared into the tiny flask as the disputed liquids swirled and danced into an entirely new creation.
“Ye got sake in me whiskey.”
“Now is you whiskey mix the four winds like sake into half as many again as with.”
And yet neither proud warrior could deny the alluring aroma of their new concoction.
__________
Atomik Lad’s crimson field of energy soared them over the majestic skyscrapers of Metroville. Rachel’s arms were wrapped around his neck and shoulders. She watched the red tinted world float around her. “I don’t think I could ever get tired of this,” she said to him with a smile he could only feel.
“Eh, you get used to it,” he said like a hard-boiled veteran of gravity defiance.
“Is that so?”
“Oh sure. It’s just like walking. Only flying.”
She gave him a little squeeze. “It’s so beautiful up here. You look down at the city and everything’s so quiet and still down there, like its all dead or something.”
“Gee, what a depressing way to put it.”
She laughed. “And how would you put it, Mr. ‘It’s just like walking, only flying’? Hmm? Impart me with some more of that wisdom will you?”
“With the ground crawling by down there, and the clouds just sort of hovering up there, and this field keeping me apart from everything, I feel like I’m completely motionless while the world moves inexorably around me. I’m up here, completely alone and powerless to affect any of it, just watching and waiting for the inevitable death the universe has conspired to give me. And when I’m gone, the earth down there and the clouds up there will keep going like I was never here.”
“And you called mine depressing?”
“It’s this damn field. I can’t feel the wind, I can’t relate to what’s outside it, nothing out there can touch me, so I’m in my own little world in here, completely separated from everything else. Invincible and alone.”
“I’m in here.”
He opened his mouth to reply, but didn’t do so right away. “Yeah. I guess you are. Hang on, the Silo’s right down there.”
__________
“Ohhhhhhh whisakey, whisakey, whisakey, whisakey, whisakey—HOI!” the whole bar sang in dis-unison, led by the efforts of two Ironclad Warriors standing on the bar and still barely a head taller than the crowd around them. They swayed in time to the joyous song. It flowed over and through them like cool and calming ocean waves, but without the icky wrinkled skin that comes with it.
And, although he w
asn’t entirely sure how or when it happened, Angus’s armor was back on the right way and appeared to be in perfect working order. “Aye!” Angus cheered. “Oh, Whisakey. Is there anythin’ ye can’t do?” he asked, kissing the mug of precious whisakey.
“Hai. No cannot, Whisakey-san stayed alone in stomach without many tigers of men drinking whereafter more!” Shiro answered, giving his whisakey bowl a bow of respect.
Angus let loose a mighty guffaw. “Aye, laddie. Aye. Ah couldn’t put it better meself!”
__________
Rachel walked around the Danger: Living Room, gazing at all its technological wonders. The futuristic decor, the dazzling blinking lights, and, “What’s with all these Danger labels?”
Atomik Lad sighed deeply from the Danger: Kitchen. “They’re Nuke’s idea.”
“I figured that. Buy why are they?”
“He says they make us better heroes.”
“How?”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t ask. He says it trains us to be more alert and ‘ever-vigilanter’ because we’re ‘surrounded by Danger.’”
She stifled a laugh. “Tell me you’re not serious.”
“I wish I could.”
“Heh. Well, how about all these blinking lights everywhere? They look important, what do they do?”
“Well, they look important. Other than that, as far as I can tell, they blink if they’re working. The ones that don’t are malfunctioning.”
“So they serve no practical purpose?”
“Well, when we had them installed, it finally made Nuke shut up about getting them installed. That’s damn practical, if you ask me.”
She giggled while leaning on the Danger: Couch.
Atomik Lad came out of the Danger: Kitchen with a Danger: Bag of Chips and a couple Danger: Cans of Zap Cola. “Shall we retire to the game room?”
“Yes,” Rachel answered. “Yes we shall.”
__________
Issue 35 – The Mechanical Revolution Begins! And Ends!
“Why are the video games in Danger: Katkat’s Room?” she asked.
Atomik Lad hunched over in defeat for a moment. “I’ve gotten the impression Nuke is trying to turn Katkat into a sidekick. It seems part of that means handing down all my stuff to him whether or not I want to or even know about it.”
“That’s really weird.”
“Yeah, it ain’t normal. Anyway, let the games begin.” He took a step forward and the Danger: Door fwooshed open.
“Speakin’ of ain’t normal,” Rachel said as they walked inside.
Atomik Lad was stunned. His Danger: TV was on. It showed a black screen with white text fading in and out softly. “Thank you for playing Eschaton Dream VI. You are Victorious.”
Rachel turned to him, her face a mixture of awe and surprise. “You beat Eschaton Dream VI? That’s amazing. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Atomik Lad tore his gaze from the screen and met Rachel with the same look she had just given him only with his face ‘cause otherwise would be really gross and mean. “But I haven’t beaten it. I couldn’t figure out the final puzzle. I tried to, Lord knows I tried, for weeks I just kept going around in circles, but I finally got tired of it and haven’t played since. That was months ago.”
“But. How?”
Atomik Lad set the refreshments on his bed and moved in to examine his game console. “What the hell?”
“What?” Rachel joined him. “Oh my.”
Katkat was sound asleep on the Danger: Floor using a Danger: Game Pad as a pillow.
“But,” Atomik Lad muttered while his brain systematically fell to pieces. “How could he? The buttons. Thumbs. He doesn’t. What?”
Katkat was startled awake from the noise of his visitors. He blinked, yawned, and stretched his cute little limbs as far as they would go. He rolled over, stood up, and sniffed the Danger: Game Pad. He gave it a few cautious taps with his paws and pounced on it, gnawing at the buttons. They tussled for a few seconds before Katkat decided he was victorious. Purring, he set about grooming himself.
“He couldn’t have,” Atomik Lad said.
Katkat hopped up and gallivanted out of his room.
“It’s impossible. Isn’t it?” Rachel asked.
Atomik Lad picked up the Danger: Game Pad and cradled it. “I gave you a home, I gave you a name, brave Excalibur. Yet this, this is how you choose to repay me? Drat I say, drat unto you and unto your sons for a hundred generations yet born. A drat on your house until the sun is as sack cloth and the moon is as blood!”
“You done yet?”
He gave a shallow and somber sigh. “...Yes.”
“Okay then.” She put Horseshoe Hand Grenades 3D into the mighty video game machine. “Can you give me a few minutes to get used to the controls? I’ve only played the arcade version.”
“Sure,” he said with a shaky voice and left the Danger: Room like a whisper on the winds of a graveyard overgrown with neglect. He drifted to the Danger: Living Room Danger: Couch and fell into it, staring blankly into the Danger: TV’s dead screen. Katkat hopped onto the Danger: Coffee Table. He eyed the sidekick with feline curiosity, which one should expect from a cat.
“Mew?”
“Feh. Lousy cat, unlocking secrets of the ancients. Who asked for your help anyway?”
“Mew?” Katkat asked, jumping the gap between Danger: Table and Danger: Couch. He nearly missed even though the chasm was barely two feet wide. Atomik Lad cracked a smiled and scratched Katkat behind his ears.
“Hm, what’s this?” Atomik Lad asked himself out loud. A piece of paper was crumpled up on the Danger: Table. He picked it up and unfurled it. “Great. A note from Nuke. Let’s see.”
Sparky, if you have managed to uncover this Danger: Message, then you have successfully mastered the Danger: Way of Hyper-dimensional Space, the final technique of Danger: Nukedo. I can teach you no more. You must leave the Danger: Temple of Solitude and travel the world imparting unto others the wisdom you have gained here.
Atomik Lad rubbed his temples. “Twit.”
But in case you’re wondering, Dr. Menace sued us for destruction of property.
“What?!”
Don’t worry, I’ve thought of everything. I’m rustlin’ us up some legal dude and Norman is fetching us a little something I like to call “insurance” if you know what I mean, and I know you do.
“No I don’t, you idiot.”
But I have said enough, for these are matters of the temple which no longer concern you. Think now only of the journeys that await you. Fulfill your Danger: Destiny.
“Why me? I mean, seriously. What did I do?”
__________
Ima’s Scientific: Telespatial Extramobile Communication Device rang. Other than the tubes sticking out of it at odd angles filled with lightning that sparked in time with the La Cucaracha ringtone, it looked a lot like an ordinary cell phone. She huffed and leaned over the Magnotable to fetch it from a stack of computer printouts she’d brought to look over in her spare time. “Hello?”
“Dr. Genius?”
“Oh, Atomik Lad. Yes, what can I do for you?”
“I’m not sure really. You see, Nuke got this letter.”
“You mean that birthday card? I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you on that, but according to our KI scan, it doesn’t even exist yet. We’ve been having problems with the KI-o-matic lately, I’ll personally recalibrate it next week and we’ll have another go at that letter.”
“No, this is a new letter.”
“Really? Excellent. Bring it by the office Monday. We’ll cross-reference the data from it with the first one.”
“No, it’s a subpoena from Dr. Menace. Apparently, she’s suing us for destruction of property. The trial is Monday.”
“Well now. That was unexpected.”
“Yeah. Nuke isn’t here either. I think he’s looking for a lawyer.”
“Those vampires will suck him dry.”
“Maybe, but I’m more worried about Norm
an.”
“Me too.”
“Oh?”
“He just called a few minutes ago asking me for the security clearance codes to the animal testing wing of Überdyne.”
“Wait, you do animal testing?”
“KI testing. We’re making sure animals are really animals and not super advanced beings using us as slave labor. We put them in a comfortable box, do a few harmless scans, and they’re out in a matter of minutes. I really should work on our KI-o-matic. So far we haven’t been terribly successful with cats. We can’t prove they’re actually in the box. Anyway, I asked Norman why he wanted the codes.”
“And?”
“Something about insurance for Nuke’s plan. He wouldn’t tell me what it was though.”
“This is only going to get worse before it gets better.”
“Yeah. Looking back, I really shouldn’t have given him the codes.”
__________
Meanwhile, deep in the blackened out heart of the Abandoned Warehouse District, Dr. Menace stepped into the pale glow of a man-sized canister filled with a luminescent green liquid that bubbled occasionally. She tapped at the glass and a small surge of bubbles burbled. An indistinct dark green shape floated inside the canister. She checked a few readouts as they scrolled across the Evil: Computer Console next to her Evil: Containment Vessel. “Yez. Exzellent progrezz.”
The dark green mass bubbled an answer.
“Ah, patience darling. Patienze. Soon, you shall be ready. And then they will all be powerlezz before me!”
Another bubble.
“Yez, powerlezz before us. Of courze you know that iz what I meant to say. You can tell becauze I am correcting myzelf now. Ahem, as I waz saying: They will cower like vermin suddenly cazt into the zunlight. The zunlight of my Evil: Domination, that iz!”
She pondered for a moment and took a small tape recorder from one of her many pockets. “Evil note to self, do not compare Evil: Domination to zunlight. Some metaphors were simply not meant to be.”
The dark green mass bubbled its agreement.
__________
Nuklear Age Page 35