“Dr. Genius,” Atomik Lad said as he clicked the phone off.
“Oh? She wants me y’know.”
“No, I don’t think she does, actually.”
“Heh, shows what you know.”
Atomik Lad checked his watch. “It’s nearly seven. This lawyer of yours better get here quick.”
A bat landed on the table between them.
“Augh! Kill it! Kill it!” Nuklear Man squealed while dancing on top of his chair and holding his cape up so the vile flying rodent couldn’t climb up it.
Atomik Lad scoot back in his chair. “Gah! How’d that thing get in here?”
The bat exploded with a BAMF of smoke and an imposing figure loomed out it. It was an aristocratic gentleman who looked like he stepped right out of eighteenth century Europe. His attire was a stylish array of blacks, his hair was greased back, his cape fluttered ever so slightly, and his fangs gleamed.
“What the—fangs?!” Atomik Lad blurt.
“Hey, it’s Count Insidious!” Nuklear Man rejoiced. “I told ya he’d be here. C’mon down from there, ya silly. Pull up a chair and take a load off.”
“Nuke! You hired a vampire?!”
Count Insidious scanned the bustling courtroom with dread gaze. He noticed an elderly woman about to sit down near the back of the courtroom. He closed his eyes, his face tensed ever so slightly, and her chair rose up from under her at the precise moment she’d committed herself to the act of sitting. She collapsed like a bag of brittle bones. He allowed himself a small chuckle as the chair rocketed toward him, hovered mere inches from his face, and gently placed itself at the end of the table nearest to the prosecution.
“Yeah!” Nuklear Man said. “And he’s got all kinds of creepy powers from beyond the grave too!”
Count Insidious put a briefcase on the table and rummaged through its contents. Without ever touching them.
“But, but, he’s undead!”
“Hiss!” the Count hissed. “That’s Mortally Challenged to you, Daywalker.”
“Er, sorry?”
“Damn right you’re sorry. I oughta slap a lawsuit across your warm-blooded hide so fast it’d make your blood boil. Causing you to become flushed as the blood in your veins becomes more prevalent near the skin making it all themoreeasierto….” The Count’s thoughts trailed off.
“Nuke!” Atomik Lad grabbed the Hero by the collar and yanked him nose to nose. “He’s a bloodsucker!”
“I know he’s a lawyer. I’m not stupid, y’know.”
“No, I mean he’s a vampire!”
“I should hope so. We need that kind of blood-thirsty lawyerin’ to get us out of this mess.”
“No, Nuke. I mean he stalks the night as an animated corpse who feeds upon the blood of the living in order to survive as an insult to the eternal cycle of life, death, and rebirth!”
Nuklear Man rubbed his chin contemplatively. He uttered a “Hmm” before going on with, “So what’re you saying exactly?’
“Ugh.”
Count Insidious tapped Nuklear Man on the shoulder, “I am an unholy blight upon this world, forsaken by the forces of Life, spurned by the hands of Death, I am cursed to forever roam in a state of netherdom.”
“So that’s why you kept calling me Jugular Man. You’re undead!”
“Look, buster. You can’t persecute me just because I don’t breathe, eat, or metabolize. I have rights too, you know. And I’ll sue you into oblivion to enforce them. But for now, I shall say a word to our opposition. Excuse me, gentlemen.” Count Insidious stood and, with a regal air, walked to Dr. Menace.
“He wouldn’t be so tough if he weren’t so tough,” Nuklear Man said in his own defense.
“Yeah. Excellent observation, Big Guy. Just how smooth is that brain of yours, anyway?’
“Smooth like a fox!”
“Why do I talk to you?” Atomik Lad asked before hopping a ride on the Ignoring Nukie Train. His eyes trailed away from the Hero and focused on Count Insidious. “Why is our lawyer making out with the plaintiff?”
Nuklear Man turned around. “Maybe it’s a pre-trial snack? Or perhaps it’s one of his brilliant legal schemes! How can someone levy a legal case against us if she’s lightheaded from blood loss? Fantastic strategy!”
Atomik Lad leaned closer. “I don’t think blood loss is a problem here. Lack of air, maybe. You got a watch on you?”
“There aren’t enough hands on a watch for this.”
“Looks like he’s got the same problem.”
A few moments of ogling—I mean boggling—later, and Count Insidious returned to the Heroes without a word.
“Um, so, like. What was all that about?” Atomik Lad asked.
“Hm?” the Count answered while sorting through some more files without touching them.
“Makin’ out over there!” Nuklear Man clarified without the use of those darn, obtrusive nouns.
“Oh, that. Yes, Veronica and I have been together for some time now. But I wouldn’t worry, I am a lawyer after all. I’m completely biased, unscrupulous, untrustworthy, conniving, and heartless.”
Atomik Lad and Nuklear Man were silent.
“Wait, I meant the opposites of all those things. Whew, close one, huh, guys? Imagine. Me, single-handedly tearing down the traditions of honor and trust built by the lawyering profession lo these hundreds of years. Dragging the good name of ‘Lawyer’ through the mud like that. Making observations about us which correlate directly to the criminal element. Heh, how very silly. Why, everyone knows the reputation lawyers have about being so honorable. It’s not like we haven’t earned it. I think I will stop talking now.”
Nuklear Man leaned to his ex-sidekick. “I’m starting to have second thoughts about our lawyer.”
“Oh really? Why, because he’s a vampire?! Or maybe because he’s dating the evil villain who is suing us? Or is it that his name happens to be Count Insidious?! Second thoughts? Second thoughts! I doubt that, personally, as it would imply an instance of first thoughts and I don’t see any evidence of that!”
“Ooh, look at you wield that legal jargon. I think you’ve found your calling, Sparky. Lord knows it wasn’t sidekickin’. But you’re young, you’ve still got time to correct your grievous life errors.”
“Shut up, you moron. The only hope for us now is that the jury is intelligent enough to see that our own lawyer is trying to get us convicted. Of course, the problem there is that juries are made of twelve people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty, so we’re probably doomed.”
“Ah, here they come now.” Count Insidious noted. “Try to look treacherous.”
“Treacherous?” Atomik Lad asked.
“Did I say treacherous? That’s so odd because what I meant to say was, um, treat…erous. Yes. As in the following statement: ‘Treaterous people are known for their generosity in the treat-giving.”
Atomik Lad was not fooled.
“Oh yeah. I’ve heard of that.”
“You see?” Count Insidious said. “Now hush, this is when we have to be all bloody. I mean serious.”
They watched as the jury began to file into their seats. “Um,” Atomik Lad whispered. “Why are they wearing Hawaiian shirts?”
“Hey, that one isn’t!” the Hero gleefully pointed out. “He’s wearin’ watches.”
“And that one’s glowing purple. Wait a second. Insidious, you put the entire Socially Maladjusted Over Villains Who Can’t Agree On A Name on our jury?! They’re villains. They hate us!”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. They know that their verdict is the final word in your fates, that they have ultimate power over your lives. Thus, being fully aware of the ramifications of their position, I’m sure they’ll be morally obligated to do the right thing.”
“Morally obligated? They. Are. Vil. Lainnnnnns!”
“Don’t worry about it. They’re so biased, you don’t have a chance.”
“What?”
“Er, they don’t have a chance of being biased. Besides, I didn’t have
much to work with. Jury selection was at 2 a.m.”
“Why?”
“Due to my photo-allergic inclinations.”
“Right.”
“Don’t worry, there’s only seven of them. I did much better on the other five. Look.”
Another juror took his seat. He was a perfectly average and nondescript gentleman, the face in every crowd.
“Okay, well I don’t think we’ve managed to piss off this guy,” Atomik Lad said with a sigh of relief.
“Actually,” the Hero began.
“Ugh, no good can come of this.”
“He kinda looks just like the guy whose car I blew up when I was fighting Mechanikill last week.
“Exactly!” Count Insidious said. “You’re gonna fry. Er, with excitement while you watch how objective and efficient our judicial system is.”
“I remember he said he’d see me in court as I flew away. I thought he was just kiddin’ around.”
Mr. Manager came into the courtroom carrying a hefty barrel that gave off a slight green glow. He sat down and deposited the barrel in the chair next to him.
Atomik Lad was dumbfounded. He looked at the jury, Dr. Menace, Count Insidious, and then back at the jury.
“Okay, I can see why Mr. Manager hates us, we destroyed his restaurant and I kinda smashed up his furniture store in the middle of that Crushtacean weirdness. But the barrel? Is that even legal?”
“Oh, you’ll like this. It’s a double-whammy.”
“Great.”
“Back when you guys were ripping off Mr. Manager at the Benny’s restaurant, he made you do some chores. Seems that our friend Jugular…Nuklear Man came across a barrel of cheese that had been neglected for decades. Its contents had hyper-evolved into a race of tiny cheese people who called themselves the Cheesiediluvians. They dreamed to someday conquer the restaurant, but the Golden Guardian here murdered their king moments before you, Atomik Lad, threw their city, Cheesebarrelopolis, into the dumpster. It’s fair to say they hate you both.”
“They’re going to let an entire civilization be on the jury?”
“Oh, no. Just the king’s brother, widow, and child. Otherwise, it’d be unfair.”
“Of course.”
“I wouldn’t worry though, they’re completely sympathetic to Veronica. Us. I meant to say us.”
“Let me get this straight.” Atomik Lad began. “You intentionally went out of your way to choose a jury made up of individuals and an entire society who really, really hate us?”
“Yup.”
“Because?”
“To demonstrate that the system actually works, even under the most biased conditions!”
“Guilty!” El Puerko yelled from the jury box. His fellow juror-villains sat him back down and explained that it wasn’t quite time. Yet.
“And if it doesn’t work?” Atomik Lad asked.
“You’ll be martyrs for provoking change in a flawed system. It’s a win-win situation!”
“See Sparky? It makes perfect sense. Either way, we can’t lose!”
“Do either of you know the meaning of ‘win?’” The ex-sidekick held his head. He was starting to feel about two thousand years old. “Okay, there’s still hope. The judge. The judge will see how obviously biased the jury is against us and he will declare a mistrial and then I will pick the new lawyer and none of this will happen and we’ll be fine.”
Automatic gunfire filled the courtroom. Civil Defender stood in the doorway with a smoking Infantry Stopper 2000 rifle. Bits of plaster rained down on him from the roof.
“All rise, the honorable…” Everyone was cowering on the floor. “I said all rise!” he demanded with his cannon leveled at the crowd. “That’s better. Ahem, the honorable Judge Hangemall Letgodsortitout now presiding.”
A small, angry, spiteful, elderly man with a hunch shambled into the courtroom. He had features like an eagle. An old, bitter eagle far past its prime who hated everyone and everything, but still an eagle. He climbed into the judge’s chair and scanned the courtroom with contempt.
“All right, all right,” he said, his slight southern accent ringing with annoyance. “All y’all sit down. Let’s git this thing started.”
“Guilty!” El Puerko announced once more.
Judge Letgodsortitout banged the gavel a few times. “Good enough for me, the defendant is hereby sentenced to—”
“Excuse me, your honor,” Count Insidious interrupted.
“What d’yall want?”
“The trial hasn’t actually begun. We can’t find him guilty yet.”
“Or innocent,” Atomik Lad insisted.
“Whatever. My point, your honor, is that we should at least begin proceedings before passing judgment.”
Hangemall gave a long sigh. “I really hate you bleeding hearts. We just about had this thing wrapped up, but you damn lawyers drag out these trials until nothing makes sense anymore.”
Count Insidious silently gazed somewhere above the Judge’s left shoulder for a few seconds. He shook himself out of the daze. “I’m sorry, your honor. What’d you say after that part about bleeding?”
“Never you mind. Let’s just git on with it. Let’s see here.” Judge Hangemall picked up some paperwork and examined it. “Says here that a one Dr. Menace is suing this Nuklear Man character for a quarter of a million dollars.” He slapped the paperwork back onto his big ol’ judgin’ desk. “Now that’s just crazy. I’m tired of these inflated…” he looked at Dr. Menace. She blew a kiss at him. “… Er, um.” He turned to Nuklear Man. “Guilty!”
“Your honor,” Count Insidious protested.
“What! Oh, fine. Let’s git this started already. Dr. Menace.”
“Pleaze, call me Veronica, Mr. Judgiepoo.”
“Veronica, you will not refer to me as ‘Mr. Judgiepoo.’ You will call me Judgey Wudgey.”
“Yes, sir. Judgey Wudgey.”
“Awww, shucks, ma’am. Ahem. The prosecution may begin its opening statements.”
Dr. Menace nodded to Count Insidious. The Count stood up.
“Count, what’re you doing?” Atomik Lad asked. “It’s their turn.”
“I know. I’m her lawyer too.”
“Huh,” Nuklear Man said. “With the odds stacked so astronomically against us, we can’t possibly lose! Brilliant strategy, Insidious.”
“Gah!” Atomik Lad banged his head against the table and whimpered incomprehensibly to himself as Count Insidious approached the jury.
“Ladies and gentlemen…and cat- and pig-people…and mutated cheese society of the jury.” He paused for impact. “We all know ‘Nuklear Man’ and his accomplice ‘Atomik Lad’ as world renown Heroes who have worked tirelessly for the past ten years to save the world from alien invasions, natural disasters, giant monsters, and criminal geniuses such as my client here. But it’s what you don’t know about this Heroic duo that they don’t want you to know! The dark secrets, the underhanded dealings, the secret motivations, the silent victims, the unholy pacts. I have evidence that Nuklear Man himself signed over his soul in a pact with an undead lord for services by the powers of darkness.” He turned to the flabbergasted defendants. “Why, I bet Nuklear Man and Atomik Lad aren’t even their real names!”
The jury gasped and recoiled in horror. “Guilty!” El Puerko proclaimed yet again.
“Shh, not yet,” Count Insidious coached with a fatherly pat on the Savage Swine’s head.
“Oink. Sorry.”
Count Insidious continued. “In fact, these so-called ‘Heroes’ have committed numerous heinous crimes. From destroying your car, to dairy product regicide, to destroying my client’s Evil: Headquarters, worshipping Satan, killing puppies, and child pornography!”
“What!” Atomik Lad exclaimed.
“Quiet you,” the judge ordered.
“He’s just making stuff up now.”
“That’s not the point.”
“But he’s lying.”
“Boy! This here is a courtroom. A place
of law. Truth has no meaning here. Now sit down and shaddup before I find you in contempt.”
Atomik Lad sat down, muttering to himself.
“Sparky,” Nuklear Man whispered. “We're in court now. We have no voice, you silly person. If we just go around telling the truth, then it’ll confuse the lawyers’ muddled lines of reasoning. Now hush.”
Count Insidious went on, “I call as my first witness.…”
“Wait!” Atomik Lad protested.
“Now what?” Judge Hangemall demanded.
“This is his opening statement. He can’t call witnesses yet.”
“Hmm. I’ll have to take your word on that one, son,” Hangemall said.
“But Judgey Wudgey,” Dr. Menace pouted with a super irresistible helpless face.
“She’s got a point. Count, you may continue.”
“What?! She didn’t even say anything!” Atomik Lad protested.
“I dunno, Sparky. She makes a pretty convincing case. I think we might’ve done it. Mostly you though. I’ve always suspected you were a bad seed from day one.”
“Oh, spare me this mockery of justice!” Atomik Lad spat.
“Fine by me,” the Judge said with a few gavel blows. “What say you, men, women, cat-thing, pig-mutant, and cheese-folk of the jury?”
“Innocent!” El Puerko pronounced. “Er, I meant guilty!”
“Done and done,” Hangemall said. “Now I can git back to watchin’ that wrastlin’ show. You know the one. With them wrastlers!”
“This is ridiculous,” Atomik Lad said.
“Boy, you better watch that mouth or I’ll find you in contempt of this court.”
“I have nothing but contempt for this court!”
The Judge paused. “Yeah, I set myself up for that one.”
“Your honor,” Count Insidious said. “As their attorney, I can’t allow this kind of travesty to go unchecked.”
“Aw c’mon.” Hangemall whined. “Just one. More. Today.”
“Nope.”
“Oh, fine. Call your stinkin’ witness then.”
“Thank you. For my first witness, I call Dr. Veronica Lilith Menace to the stand!” he posed dramatically with the announcement. His aristocratic cape whipped in a wind that wasn’t there.
“Oh, he’s good,” Nuklear Man said.
Nuklear Age Page 38