“Wow, he’s pretty cool,” Norman said. “Dig that cape, how it moves lightly in some breeze that isn’t even here.”
“Feh,” Atomik Lad said. “Nuke does that.” Although, in the back of his mind, he had to admit there was just that certain Something about the way Superion’s did it.
“Aye. And that outfit. That ain’t no regular spandex. That be fancy spandex. Lookit the texture, it’s a testament to style and functionality.”
“Superion is numbaa one Joe for Heroing.”
Atomik Lad grumbled. “Big damn deal. Stupid jerk is just an attention hog. They’ll stop drooling over him once the newness has worn off. They’ll start to resent how arrogant his complete lack of arrogance is and then they’ll come crawling back to Nuke.”
“We are now opening the floor to queztionz.”
All the distinguished news people shot their arms into the air yelling things like, “Ooh ooh, me! Pick me, pick me! I’m ever so justified by your attention!”
“Whoa now, kids,” Superion said with a jovial smile. “One at a time, huh? I may have Superior Powers™, but I sure can’t answer a hundred questions at once.” He gave a half-empty laugh that mirrored the only one television journalists are capable of.
The audience was instantly at ease.
“Wow, he sure does have a way with an audience,” Norman whispered.
“Hai. Ways and means of audience like river throughout with watering.”
“Aye. That Nuklear Man never could get their attention like that. It was always, ‘Ooh, lookit me! Ah’m Nuuklear Man. Ladeedah. Lookit me muscles and how they make wee Angus over there loook like he’s microscoopic!’ Bah!”
“Oh, c’mon,” Atomik Lad said with enough disdain to power a car at highway speeds. “So he’s a little charismatic. Let’s see how far that gets him in the field. You know, I don’t even mind that we’ve been decommissioned because now we’ll have more time to get Nuke out of jail while this jerk is stuck doing all the heroing by himself. I give him five minutes out there before our overvillain freaks send him packing.”
“Let’s start the questioning with you, Cupcake,” Superion said to a newswoman in the front row.
“Oh my, I-I don’t know what to say!” she said, all a’fluster with embarrassment.
“Just speak from the heart, Pretty Lady,” he advised with a non-threatening wink.
“Oh, well. Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked with a nervous giggle.
Atomik Lad rolled his eyes.
“Well,” Superion answered with a charming smile. “Let’s just say I’m available Friday night,” he said with a coy wink.
“I’m gonna be sick,” the ex-sidekick grumbled.
“Okay, how about you, Chief? What’s your question?” Superion asked a newsman somewhere in the middle of the already adoring crowd.
“Um,” a newsman in the second row said. “What do you think of the decision at yesterday’s trial?”
“I gotta tell ya. I think justice was served. I really do. The people of Metroville, who are the gosh darned best people in the whole wide world, deserve a hero and not a self-appointed despot. I think I’m just the man for that job.”
“We know you are, Superion!” an excited fan in the back of the room said. His sentiment was met by cheers from the rest of the audience.
Superion smiled bashfully. “Oh, c’mon, you guys. Cut it out.”
“You’re the best, Superion!”
“We love you!”
“Superion for mayor!”
“I might take you up on that,” Superion said with a thoughtful glance at the Mayoral Seal on the podium.
Incompetent Bureaucrat quivered with fear.
“Just kidding, Mayor,” Superion said with a thumbs up. The audience loved every second of it.
“I can’t believe this!” Atomik Lad yelled at everyone.
“Is he still here?” one journalist whispered to another.
“We don’t know anything about this guy!” Atomik Lad said. “He tosses out a bunch of smooth talk and you’re all eating it up like you’ve known him all your lives! He’s just a fast talkin’ pretty boy! Can’t you see that he’s nothing more than an evil pawn of Dr. Menace?!”
The crowd looked to him momentarily. It was a stare as blank as a powered down monitor. They turned back to Superion with admiring smiles.
Menace took the podium as Superion stood behind her and gave winks and thumbs ups to various members of the press. “Of courze, since Zuperion iz new to the city, he will need zomeone to show him around and help him acclimate to hiz new role.”
The journalists raised their hands. “MEMEMEMEME!”
Menace shook her head. “There iz only one man who iz qualified for thiz important tazk.”
Atomik Lad cringed. “Not me, please not me.”
“Atomik Lad,” she predictably announced.
His entire body slumped in defeat. “Why am I not surprised?”
Superion set his hand on Atomik Lad’s shoulder, “Hey there, Champ. Looks like we’re partners from now on.”
Atomik Lad removed the surrogate hero’s hand from his shoulder. “Don’t touch me. It sickens me.”
__________
Meanwhile…
“What about me?” Nuklear Man asked while seated among his fellow inmates en route to Katabasis State Pen.
The others conferred with one another huddle style. “Well,” the one they called Snake answered. “You can be Blade’s bitch.”
“Goody, goody!” Nuklear Man said with childish glee.
Blade smiled at Nuklear Man with a mouth like a chessboard. Lots of black spaces.
“Psst,” Nuklear Man said to the inmate next to him, the one they called Stab. “What does this ‘bitch’ stuff mean, anyway?”
The paddy wagon zoomed through the streets of Metroville with the uncharacteristic sound of laughter roaring from the back.
__________
Issue 41 – He’s SuperiorTM in Every Way
The sun sat amongst the peaks of the Metroville Mountains. Atomik Lad and Superion hovered over the business district of downtown Metroville. The din of urban life was a faint whisper.
“There,” Atomik Lad said, his voice sharp with impatience. “That’s the city. You’ve seen pretty much everything. All that’s left now is Überdyne.”
Superion scanned the city below. “You know, Sport, not to criticize, but your little tour here seems a bit rushed.”
“Yeah, well. We don’t want to be caught sight-seeing if a disaster should strike. Right?”
“Good thinkin’, Slugger.”
“I guess I should introduce you to Dr. Genius. She’s sort of our head contact for hero stuff.”
“Lead the way, Slugger.”
__________
Meanwhile, inside Katabasis Prison, the newly admitted inmates were lined up at attention in the arid courtyard. The Captain of the Guard paced back and forth in front of the newcomers like a Drill Sergeant, only meaner. “You filthy maggots,” he snarled.
Nuklear Man quivered and hoped the maggots weren’t touching him.
“You diseased sacks of flesh.”
“Ew,” the Hero muttered.
“You festering blotches on the face of society.”
“Man, this guy is really gross,” Nuklear Man whispered to Stab.
“Do you have something you’d like to share, maggot!”
“Maggot? Where!?” Nuklear Man hovered and held his cape away from the ground.
“Oh, a wise guy, huh?”
“Y’know, it’s interesting. I’ve been called a lot of things, especially by Sparky, but that was definitely never one of them.”
“That’s it, Pretty Boy.”
“Now he’s called me that a lot.”
“You just keep right on talking,” the Captain said.
“No, he definitely never said anything like that.”
“Cut it out, can’t ya!”
Nuklear Man planted his feet back on the stone fl
oor. “Well. You don’t have to yell.”
“Arrrrgh. Lock up these maggots!” he ordered his fellow guards.
“Gah!” and again the Hero was airborne.
The Guard leaned right into Nuklear Man’s face. “I’m going to enjoy watching you rot away in that old tower.
__________
“Come in,” Dr. Genius said from behind a pile of Scientific: Notes covering her desk.
Atomik Lad flung the door open. “Hey. Doc, this is Superion. Superion, Dr. Genius. Okay, we’re done here. Let’s go.”
“What’s the rush, Tiger?” Superion said as he made his entrance. “It’s not every day you get to see an angel this close to Earth.”
Dr. Genius spun around in her chair. “Oh, why thank you,” she said with the beginnings of a blush working its way across her face.
“Oh, geez.”
“You know,” she said while toying with a loose lock of hair. “I’m obligated by law to give all the city’s heroes thorough physicals every month. I could schedule you for an appointment. Say, all day Saturday?”
“I’ll be up for that, Venus.” Superion said with a wink. “Think you could hold down the fort while I’m gone, Champ?”
“Ima,” Atomik Lad said, completely ignoring Superion’s query. “What about Mighty Metallic Magno Man? You know, your boyfriend?”
“Hm?” she said disinterestedly.
“Boyfriend, eh? Does this Magno Man know he’s the luckiest darn guy in the world?”
“Swoon.”
“Yeah. Okay, we’re gone,” Atomik Lad grumbled while dragging the Superior Sentinel out of the room.
__________
Nuklear Man sidled along the dinner line squeezed amongst some of Metroville’s most heinous criminals.
“Mmm, I’m ready for some good eatin’! What do they serve around here? Veal, fillet mignon, lobster?”
There was a fellow prisoner behind the smudged glass partition that guarded the food trough from sneezes. He wore an apron that was hopefully stained by food and a hairnet. His face had character. Unfortunately, it was the character of a rotten corpse recently unearthed from a landfill. He slapped an ice cream scoop full of off-grayish slop onto Nuklear Man’s tray.
“Hm. Interesting,” the Hero observed. “But what are we supposed to eat?”
__________
Atomik Lad flew ahead of Superion as the majestic Überdyne Building receded behind them. “All right, well I’ve shown you around, so we’re done. I’m going back to the Silo to think of ways to get Nuke out of jail.”
“Good for you, kiddo.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
__________
That night, Atomik Lad sat at the Danger: Kitchen Table with blank sheets of paper and what turned out to be a very, very heavy pen. He moved into the Danger: Living Room to be more comfortable on the Danger: Couch.
“That oughta get the ol’ brain cells pumping. Okay. I need to get a lawyer. Maybe I can get one of Überdyne’s. But they really specialize in scientific ethics cases, so maybe I should just get a normal one. But they wouldn’t touch our case with, I don’t know, a really long legal ruler. Argh. I hate this.”
He turned on the Danger: TV and felt strangely comforted by the nonsensical prattling of Silly Sam’s Cartoon Marathon-a-thon o’ Fun.
__________
Deep in the derelict North Tower of Katabasis Prison, the Captain of the Guard’s harsh voice echoed amongst the dank stone walls, “All right, maggot.”
“Guh! You should do something about those.”
“Shut up, maggot!”
“Okay, talking to them is one thing, but when they start to talk back, that’s when you know it’s time to go ‘Whoa.’ That’s when you gotta back up and realize that though they very well may be plotting against you, they cannot communicate in a way that is recognizable to you or I.”
“Put the damn mask on,” the Captain grumbled.
“Only if you promise to seek some serious psychological help.”
“Yes. Fine, whatever. Put the damn thing on.” He tossed the heavy, archaic, and rusting iron mask into the Hero’s hands.
“This is for your own good.” Nuklear Man squeezed his cranium into the iron mask.
The Guard slapped the mask’s many locks shut and squealed with delight.
“Uh, this is kinda uncomfortable, ya know. Maybe I should get a bigger one. I think it’s physically impossible to contain all of my brains and good looks in this little mask. I feel cramped.”
“It’s not supposed to be comfortable!”
“Oh. Well then, mission accomplished, cap’n. So could you get me the one that is supposed to be comfortable?”
“Argh!”
__________
“Hey, Sparky. How’re you holding up?”
Atomik Lad sighed too heavily directly into the phone. It sounded like he spat static. “I don’t know. Everything is so…wrong lately.”
“I could see how you’d feel that way. No part of that trial was anything close to right.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to work up a plan right now.”
“How’s it coming?”
“Eh. I can’t think straight. It’s like the more I think about this whole situation, the more I fully understand how wrong it is from every possible angle and how all those different angles interlock with one another, each one amplifying the injustices of the ones before and after it like some kind of infinite matrix of the universe working specifically to ruin my life until I just can’t stand it!” He took a deep breath. “You know?”
“I think so. It reminds me of the University admissions office.”
“Don’t get me started on them. They even tried to jerk me around because my being a sidekick wasn't covered under their rules for special allowances to register late.”
Atomik Lad stared into the TV as some news footage of Superion filled the screen with the caption, “Tomorrow’s Hero Here Today, on Metroville Tonight.”
“Ugh,” he groaned. “And this guy they’ve got to replace Nuke, this Superion. I hate him. It seems like I’m the only one though. There’s just something about him. He tries so hard to be everyone’s best friend. It creeps me out.”
“I think you just miss your old pal, Nukie.”
“Hmmphf. Like a hole in the head.”
“You know, it is odd though. I’ve heard some people on campus talking about this Superion guy already.”
“I’m surprised he doesn’t have his own merchandise out yet.”
“Don’t be. He does. I saw three people wearing Superion shirts on the way to class”
“You see! That’s not normal. It’s only been one day! Something weird is going on here. I mean, if he’s a replacement for Nuke, he’s got to be damn powerful.”
“Right.”
“So why hasn’t anyone heard of him until now?”
“Hm, I don’t know. Actually, I think his name does sound familiar somehow.”
“Does it? Yeah, now that you mention it. Wasn’t that where Captain Liberty came from? Some government thing. Project: Superion, Superion Program, something like that.”
“Yeah, that sounds right. I wonder if there’s a connection,” Rachel said.
“I don’t have to chauffeur Superion around any more, so I’ll look into it tomorrow.”
__________
Wednesday.
Things were not going according to schedule. It all started entirely too early in the morning when Atomik Lad was forced out of bed by the Danger: Phone.
“Muh?” he said.
“Er,” the voice on the other side of the line said. “Am I speaking with Atomik Lad?”
“Mur?”
“Once for no, twice for yes.”
“Muh, mur.”
“Excellent. Mr. Atomik Lad, I’m Paper Pusher, down at the Mayor’s office. We’re going to need you to accompany Superion on his patrols for the foreseeable future.”
“Buh!”
“Yes, we’re excited about this wonde
rful opportunity to work with such a wonderful hero as well. It’s just, well it’s so darned wonderful!”
But that didn’t mean he had to be graceful about it. He made sure to stay just far enough away from Superion to justify ignoring him.
“Hm, hold up a second there, cowboy.”
“All right. These names of yours are really starting to bug me.”
“My Superior HearingTM detects a crime below.”
“And yet it doesn’t detect the loathing in my voice.”
“Let’s check it out.”
Superion zoomed to street level while Atomik Lad reluctantly followed. Indeed, there was a crime in progress. It seemed the SMSTCAOAN, fresh out of the jury box, were already defaming the good name of goodness by robbing a bagel shop. They had just bungled out the entrance when Superion landed in front of them like an imposing figure of looming parental power. The villains collectively took a step back.
“I told ya he’d make it,” Zeerox said.
“And right on time,” Chronotor commented.
Atomik Lad landed next to Superion. “Okay, guys. You know the drill by now. Either surrender and give back the money, or we go to work on you chumps.”
“Money? We didn’t take no money,” Granite said.
“Just a coupla bagels,” Lord Obese said through a mouthful of munched up food.
“We even paid for them, oink.”
Blazer stepped forward with a notebook and a pen in his hand. “We just wanted your autograph, Mr. Superion, sir.”
“Oh, you crazy kids. Did you cause all this hoopla just to get my autograph?”
They bashfully adverted their eyes and collectively said, “Noooooooooo?”
“Oh for the love of….” Atomik Lad muttered to himself.
Superion signed the autograph book and handed it back. “There you go, Firecracker. Anything else I can help you with?”
“Well, I hope this isn’t asking too much,” Blazer began respectfully. “But could you subdue us?”
Nuklear Age Page 43