“I can neither confirm nor deny it.”
“How do you get away with this?”
“I make sure I know everyone’s deepest, darkest secrets and threaten to reveal them to the world if they tell Dad what I do.”
I stare, silent.
“Just kidding. You punch a few people, they quit trying to rat you out.” Matt laughs at my wide eyes. “Come on, Leah, no one is going to tell on us. If one person talks, then it’s over for everyone, you know? Lighten up, it’s going to be fun, and Dad will never know you’re there.”
chapter six
There is no way my dad is not going to hear about this. I swear if one more person gapes at seeing me here, I’ll go home and tell him myself. Bonus points for honesty, maybe.
Yeah, right.
I’ve got these sick, dizzy butterflies I haven’t felt since I was young, dreading school and leaving the known for the unknown. Memories rise from the darkness where I always fight to keep them, pushing through the cracks, striving for the surface of consciousness. It’s always the last ones that appear first, the strongest, the ones that are still bound within my heart, still capable of wounding after all this time.
Before we moved to the woods, we used to live on the same street as Ashley and Reed, only a few blocks from the elementary campus. It’s the first day of school, and Mom and Dad are waiting with us for the bus. Mom offered to drive, but the boys have already been riding the bus for a year now, and since we do everything together, Ashley and I are riding the bus too.
But it doesn’t keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It’s hard to be brave, even for something so silly as riding the bus. But it means the end of summer, the end of Mom getting us out of our beds and snuggling in hers until Dad leaves for the church. No more surprise afternoon visits from Dad bearing snow cones or ice cream and watching us run through the sprinklers or down the Slip’N Slide.
Now we’re up before the sun and down before it sets, and the whole thing makes me sad.
The bus squeals to a stop at the corner of the street. Sam and Matt charge up the steps to claim the last row seat, and Ashley follows behind them. I rub a fist across my eyes, and Mom squeezes my hand. “You want me to take you, sweetheart? We can still drive to school.”
“No, I’m fine,” I whisper.
Someone nudges me, and there’s Reed, still standing next to me, dark brown hair now cut short for the new school year, and vibrant green eyes meeting mine. He holds out his hand, and all I can do is stare at it. Mom loosens her grip, my hand slips into Reed’s, and I let him lead me onto the bus. Ashley has managed to squish herself between Matt and Sam, and she waves and points to the empty seat across the aisle.
I slide in first, pressing my face to the window while Mom and Dad wave and the bus jerks to a crawl, then turns the corner. More tears come when they disappear from sight, but Reed holds my hand until I’m ready to let go.
The memory takes my breath away, twisting my heart into something that feels like it’s going to burst from my chest, and the tears that fall are far too real. No. I can’t do this. Not here, in the open, in the real world. The walls are breaking too easily lately; memories are finding me more and more outside of the forest, the only place it’s safe to relive them.
And then I realize . . . It started with the appearance of the boy.
It takes a while to pull it together, and I’m still sitting in the car when Ben pulls up next to me. Kelsey dragged Matt out of the car the second he put it in park, and I haven’t seen them since. Ben stares at me for a long moment, like he’s chewing something over in his mind. It took him long enough to get here; I’ve been suffering for nearly thirty minutes. I’d ask him where he’s been, but I don’t want to look like I care.
He slides out of the cab of his truck, his muscles flexing under the tight black T-shirt he’s wearing. I stare too long and the corner of his mouth lifts. My face is hot by the time he opens my door. “Nervous?”
“Bored.” I shrug.
Ben grins like the Cheshire cat, seeing my lie immediately. “Don’t be scared, little Leah. I could entertain you.”
“Somehow I don’t see that happening.”
“What? C’mon, it’s not like I’m going to make a move on my best friend’s sister.”
“Isn’t that what you’re doing now?”
“Please. You’d know if I was, and trust me, I’m not.” He holds his hand out with a grin so cocky I’d like to slap it off his face. “I just want you out of this car.”
“Why?” I take his hand and let him pull, but I imagine it’s a much darker hand that holds mine and wild green eyes that stare back instead of dark.
With a chuckle, Ben spins me around. “So I can see your ass in those jeans.”
“Ben!”
I swat and he dodges, slamming the door and jogging off into the trees with a deep laugh. “Come on, preacher’s daughter. Come slum with the rest of us sinners.”
That’s the second time he’s called me that in the past hour. His nicknames are getting under my skin, and not in a good way. I’d like to throw something at him, but before I can reach for one of the pinecones littering the ground, he’s gone, warm laughter drifting back to me. Thumping bass vibrates in the distance, so I follow the trail of bodies merging with the trees and shadows ahead of me.
The sun hasn’t set, but as I walk through the field of young pines, it’s as dark as night. They’re lined perfectly and so close together I have to duck to get through the narrow path, but it’s soothing to be so hidden, even for a short time. The clearing at the end of the pines is littered with stumps from freshly cut trees, creating plenty of natural seating and makeshift tables. A four-by-four made the trek around the trees, its tailgate providing the platform for both keg and stereo. The number of kids has doubled from what was in the parking lot, and even more are filing through the trees behind me. So basically the whole school should be here soon.
“Leah!” A familiar squeal rises above the blaring music, and Ashley comes tearing out of the trees. “Kelsey texted me that you were here. How did you manage that?” She slams into me, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug.
“Oh, you know, Matt invited me to come, so . . .”
“Wow! You never get to come to these things. I thought . . .” Ashley pulls away suddenly, holding me at arm’s length, eyes narrowing. “Does your dad know you’re here?”
“Um . . .” I bite my lip and she gasps.
“Leah Roberts, did you sneak out?”
“Ash, please, could you be quiet? I’d like to live to see Monday morning.”
“Oh. My. God. You snuck out.” Ashley’s eyes are wide. “What was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back?”
“Unreasonable punishment.”
“You were already in trouble? Why? What did you do?”
“I went into the woods.”
Ashley’s hands drop from my shoulders. She stares at me for a long moment, her face growing pale. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I wanted to.” Ashley is the queen of rebelling, so I don’t know why I feel so defensive. “I mean, we’re standing in the woods right now, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.”
“It is when you go by yourself. We don’t know if . . .” She stops, shaking her head. “You’re right. You should do what you want. And now you’re here.” Her smile fades from forced to easy. “Let’s go have a good time, because after tonight you might never leave the house again.”
“Tell me about it.” I link my arm with hers, glad she dropped the taboo subject. Maybe I am stupid for going into the woods, but my reasons for doing so far outweigh everyone’s reasons I shouldn’t. At least that’s what I tell myself.
It’s been ten years; it’s not like the guy has come back and is waiting in the woods just for me.
I follow Ashley to the keg, grateful for anything to take my thoughts away, take a swig from a red cup, and choke down the beer. It’s awful, but it pushes the darkness bac
k. I take another drink, swallowing faster, and the memories go back into the locked box at the darkest corner of my mind. I won’t let them out again.
We move away, making room for others eager to fill their cups. There are people everywhere, some dancing, but most talking in small circles. I follow Ashley through the fray, hearing more than a few surprised voices say my name. We stop at a couple of stumps near the outer edges of the field, where Ashley sits and I do the same. The sun is impaled on the treetops, and I try not to stare as it slides down through the pines, casting shifting rays on the moving bodies.
“Cheers.” Ashley holds out her cup. “To your first official party.”
“Cheers.” I clink my cup to hers with a smile. “First and likely last.”
“Where are your parents?”
“Don’t know. They just left and Matt said they’d be back late tonight.”
“Well, that’s interesting, I guess. Makes the whole sneaking-out thing easier.”
I nod. I don’t want to tell Ashley about what happened at the deer blind. It would only freak her out and I’d have to omit half of it. The rational part of my brain says maybe I could have avoided all of this if I had been honest from the beginning about the boy. But to do that I’d have to confess my sins and secrets. I mean, who’s going to believe that I’ve seen Bigfoot? Seriously, it sounds crazy even to me.
I glance up to see Ben staring at me from across the way. He’s standing next to Matt, who has an arm slung around a giggling Kelsey’s shoulders.
I frown.
“What?” Ashley follows my gaze. “Oh. Mr. Greek God. You know one of these days he’s going to finally notice you, right? I mean, he’s over at your house all the time anyway.”
“So?”
“So, I’m saying it makes sense. I know he picks on you, but that’s the thing that leads to flirting and he looks like he’d like to be over here flirting with you.”
“He said he wasn’t.”
“You asked him?” Her voice rises.
“I thought he was earlier. He said I’d know it if he was.”
“Yikes.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it? I mean, look at him, Leah. I’m drooling here, and show me someone who doesn’t when they look at him. He’s freaking perfect.”
“He’s kind of a jerk. And he’s almost too pretty.”
“No such thing. I’ll never get tired of looking at him.”
“So why don’t you go for him?”
Ashley gives me a look, and I wince. She could have Ben if she tried. Ashley’s pretty enough to get anyone, in my opinion. Just not the one she wants. He never looks twice at her.
Matt glances at me for a moment, nodding in acknowledgment before talking to Kelsey again. Ashley tenses when he leans in to whisper in her ear. Deep down, I think Matt knows about Ashley. How could he not? But it’s not something I’d ever want to get involved in. Matt goes from girl to girl and I don’t want my best friend to be one of them.
“Let’s go over there.” Ashley nudges me.
“Why?”
“I want to see what Ben does when you’re five feet from him.”
“Ashley,” I warn.
“Oh, c’mon. I’m bored and you should be having more fun than this.”
“I am having fun.”
“No, have another beer and you will be, though.”
“That doesn’t sound like fun, Ash.”
“It will be, until tomorrow.” She waves me along, and I follow her once again through the maze of bodies. Ben watches me until it’s obvious where we are headed, and then he doesn’t look at me again.
“Did you hear about the break-in at the Millers’ place?” Joel Rodriguez says.
“Yeah, I heard they saw the guy too,” Matt chimes in.
“What?” Ashley says. “Who was it?”
“Don’t know,” Joel says. “But there were two of them. Broke into the barn, took some of their deer meat out of the freezer.”
“Luke said he saw something, but he won’t talk about it,” Ben says.
“That’s the youngest Miller brother, right?” Ashley interjects.
“Yeah, Jake said Luke was the first one out of the house when the dogs started howling. Said he saw something big and black walking around the barn, carrying a couple of chickens.”
“How big?”
“The kid swore it was seven or eight feet tall, but you know he’s only nine years old. Everything’s gonna be huge to him in the dark. Said the other one was smaller, maybe six feet or so.”
I should have known I would hear that description, but I still gasp. Unfortunately, I also choke on beer and proceed to cough my head off. Ashley slaps me on the back and takes my drink away, like I went too far. Matt just shakes his head with a knowing grin.
“You okay?” Ben says, placing a hand on my shoulder. I’m too distracted to brush him off, so I nod helplessly in between ragged gasps.
“She’s fine.” Ashley continues to pound my spine until it hurts worse than my throat.
“I think you’ve got it, Ash.” Ben pulls me away until I’m standing next to him. One second I think she might claw his eyes out, the next she looks between us, grins, and takes a sip of my beer before handing it back to me.
“You okay?” Ben asks again, this time barely above a whisper, like his concern should be a secret.
“I’m fine. Not used to this, I guess.” I hold up my red Solo cup.
“Well, it’s poison anyway.”
I glance down at the nearly empty interior of his. “You drink it easily enough.”
Ben shrugs, glancing around to make sure no one is listening. “Out here it’s a prerequisite.”
“Ben Hanson. Are you telling me you drink because of peer pressure?” I stopped whispering somewhere in the middle of that sentence, and Ben looks like he’d like to disappear.
“What are you two talking about?” Ashley asks.
“Nothing,” Ben and I say, then smile at our jinx.
“Anyway,” Joel continues. “By the time Mr. Miller went back for his gun, they were gone.”
“Deer meat and live chickens? Can two men carry that much?” Kelsey asks.
The boys exchange glances, and Ben shrugs. “I mean, it’s possible, I guess. They’d have to have something to carry it in. But just to run in and out like that, and then disappear? That’s odd for sure.”
Chills run down my neck, lifting the hairs along my spine. It is odd, just not to me. And the Millers live only about five miles from us, and their land sits along the edge of the national forest just like ours.
Ben is staring at me again, only this time there is a light in his eyes, as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. Since that’s not possible, I glance down at my cup, now barely half-empty, and excuse myself to refill it.
I can’t shake his gaze off. I know it follows me across the field and I wonder why now, of all times, does Ben Hanson choose to give me attention? The only face in my head is that of a boy who can’t even speak to me, with eyes as green as the deep forest that have the ability to erase the world when they meet mine.
And I have no explanation for it.
Ben is what I’ve wanted for a while, because he makes perfect sense. He’s likely the only guy Dad wouldn’t run off, because Sheriff Hanson is Dad’s BFF and a deacon at our church. Ben spends half his life at my house because of Matt. He fits into my life so easily because he’s already in it.
I take a long swallow of whatever just came out of the keg, blink away the burn, and lock eyes with Ben across the field.
Maybe I should take a page from Ashley’s book and say, what the hell have I got to lose?
Maybe it’s long past time I thought that way.
chapter seven
I can’t stop giggling when Matt pulls into the driveway.
“Shh . . . Leah, you’ve got to be quiet.” But he can’t stop smiling either.
“We’re going to get caught.”
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“Then why are you laughing?”
“I have no idea. I only had two cups.”
“Hell, you had at least three. Every time your cup got low Ashley was dragging you back to the keg.”
“She wanted me to have fun.”
“No, your best friend wanted to get you drunk.” He leans forward, peering through the darkness toward the house. The porch light is on, but nothing else. “How are they not back yet?”
“What?” I lean forward, the motion making me dizzy. “They’re not back?”
“I can’t believe we lucked out.” He glances in the rearview mirror as if Mom and Dad might turn down the drive behind us at any second. “You should probably hurry and take a shower, just in case.”
“Do I smell that bad?”
“No, I mean, you smell like beer. Is that the right answer?”
“Your girlfriend spilled it on me.”
“Yeah.” He smiles. “Now that girl can drink.”
“Is that why you like her?”
Matt frowns, like I might not be making sense. “Get in the house before we get caught. I can’t sneak you out again if Dad puts bars on the doors and windows.” We laugh all the way to the porch.
It’s well after midnight when I roll into bed. Light is streaming in through the bedroom window from the nearly full moon, and I’m not sure if I can sleep. The funny feeling is gone now, fuzzy memories are becoming clearer, and I’m left feeling restless and exhausted at the same time.
The reflection of headlights passes by the window. I slide out of bed and watch as the car creeps slowly beneath the carport, just within view of my window. Someone must have been in the hospital or having a crisis for them to be out this late.
Mom walks around to the back of the car, and Dad meets her there. When he reaches out and pulls her into an embrace, I press my face to the glass in disbelief. Our parents never hug, yet there they are, arms tight, heads pressed together like they . . . like each other. Dad’s lips graze her forehead, and then they part as he opens the trunk.
I must still be drunk. There’s no explanation for this.
The Shadows We Know by Heart Page 5