by Mark Green
“Perhaps you should carry on with her instead. She’ll be less of a burden and is obviously better eye candy.”
I bit my tongue as Danni reappeared holding a large photo album and with a big smile on her face.
“Here we are. This is the education and meeting shelter…”
Despite her dark mood, I felt I’d been a bit short with Angel and had probably contributed to her state of mind. As I sat there looking through Danni’s photos, I thought about whether we should mention that Angel was blind. I reasoned that it would be difficult to hide it, and now we were here, there was less chance of anyone being aware of who we were. But above all else, if I didn’t do my usual descriptions of what I could see, Angel would miss out on the whole experience of the rainforest.
“Excuse me Danni, but I just need to describe these lovely photographs to my friend, her eyesight isn’t brilliant and we lost her glasses on the journey,” I said, smiling at Danni as I squeezed Angel’s knee.
If only I’d been a mind reader and known that that was totally the wrong thing to say!
Fortunately Danni was oblivious.
“Of course. My goodness, I’m sorry to hear that. Okay, the first picture here shows the community hall and the villagers during the grand opening ceremony…”
Danni went on to carefully explain all the photos, which can’t have been easy for her without feedback from Angel. I felt I had to be overly enthusiastic to make up for her silence. Half an hour later I paid, thanked Danni and escorted Angel away.
Once away from Danni, Angel shrugged off my hand and insisted on dawdling along at a snail’s pace. Finally, I couldn’t take any more. I grabbed her shoulder, stopping her in the street.
“What’s the matter?”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Come on Angel, we’ve been through too much together to fall out now…”
“So we’ve fallen out have we? That’s news to me!”
I stared at her, shaking my head.
“Tell you what, you just go on your merry way and I’ll book you a flight out of here in the morning. I’ll ring Simon and tell him to expect you. He’ll get you home with a few quid in your pocket. Is that what you want?”
“So you’re going to abandon me. Great guy you turned out to be.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake! I know we’re both tired, but what the hell has got into you?”
“Me?! I thought we’d agreed to maintain the illusion I could see, so we didn’t attract attention to ourselves. But all that went out the window in front of saint fucking Danni!”
I dropped my arm from her shoulder.
“I told her you can’t see very well, because I’m guessing that of all the places we’ve been, this is probably the most threatening, the most hostile but also the most beautiful. So I decided here, of all places, you need me to be your eyes. Which incidentally, I’m more than happy to do. Unless you want to continue being a bitch, in which case you’re on the next plane out of here while I head in the opposite direction. What’s it going to be?!”
* *
Angel
I know I’d behaved like a brat, but we were both tired and these things are never completely one-sided. I took a calming breath. Deep down, I really didn’t want to screw this up, but I had a nasty feeling it was already too late.
“This is a difficult environment for me and I don’t want you to leave me. I’ve just got stuff on my mind.”
I felt him put his hand back on my shoulder and heard him sigh.
“What sort of stuff? Let’s find a bar and talk it out.”
I shook my head.
“It’s a girl thing. I could do with finding a pharmacy. Have you noticed one anywhere?”
“Oh. Are you feeling okay?” he said, concern creeping into his voice.
“I’m not ill, just the usual monthly visitor,” I said, a bit sheepishly.
“Right. Okay, no problem,” he said, slipping his hand into mine.
We walked on for a few minutes in silence. Bless JC. After making a couple of attempts to ask directions for a Farmacia, it seemed there was one a few streets away. No great problem you might think, but I’m afraid I was being slightly economical with the truth.
It wasn’t my period that was the issue. It was the lack of one.
Thirty Four
Angel
“Here we are Angel, Farmacia. It’s also a general store, is that okay?”
I nodded, wondering if he might have seen through me and was starting to guess because of my quietness. He led me into the shop. My nerves were starting to kick in now.
“Do you have any preference?” he said, pulling me out of my trance-like state.
“What do you mean?”
“Tampons or towels? Believe it or not, you have a choice.”
Great. As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough. I was tempted to tell him to choose, but my normal sense of mischief had abandoned me. I wasn’t in the mood.
“Towels would be great. Thanks.”
I’d been racking my brains about how to hide my next purchase from him. I waited until he’d paid and he’d handed me a plastic bag.
“Um, JC, this is also a general store, right?”
“Yup, bit of an Aladdin’s cave…”
“That’s great. Would you mind waiting outside the shop for a moment? There’s something else I need.”
He was quiet for a moment, God knows what else he thought I wanted.
“Okay,” he said, hesitantly and left me on my own.
Without a phrase book I was a bit stuck, but I had to have a go.
“Senor, es posible… bebe?” I said, making a round tummy gesture with my hand. I didn’t understand the reply he rattled off, but then I heard a softer, female voice answer and I sensed a girl at my side, perhaps his daughter. I pointed to my eyes, waved my hand to indicate I couldn’t see. Over the next few minutes various baby products were placed in my hands, packaging that varied from nappies to feeding bottles. I shook my head to them all. Thanking them both I felt my way out of the shop, helped by the girl who was chattering away to me in Spanish. I felt the bright sunlight outside and waited for JC to appear at my side.
“Okay? All sorted?” he said, amused but also intrigued. I put on my best smile and nodded.
“Uh huh. I need a drink,” I said, wanting some thinking time.
I wasn’t myself that evening, but I hoped he’d just put that down to hormones, the heat and adjusting to the jungle environment. Fortunately the bar was fairly lively with loud music, so we’d have struggled to have a conversation anyway.
Over the course of the evening I decided the only person I could ask for help was Danni. There’d be an opportunity in the morning to ask her. At least then I’d know.
Honesty and full disclosure, I’d decided, weren’t an option.
* *
JC
Of course that explained everything — women’s problems!
I started to feel better about being here after the visit to the pharmacy, despite Angel acting a bit oddly. Perhaps she just wanted a big bar of chocolate and was worried I’d tease her. Whatever. At least there was a rational explanation for her throwing a wobbly.
She was pretty withdrawn that evening, but I guessed it was stomach cramps and generally feeling a bit low. So we just had a quiet evening and got an early night. In a strange way, Angel’s monthly thing also meant it took a bit of pressure off us getting together. The jungle wasn’t the best place for that anyway, it was hot and claustrophobic, so our moods were bound to be affected.
I rested my head on the pillow, quite content. We’d have an amazing experience in the jungle and see some fantastic things. There was also a good chance that our feelings would be re-awakened once we left and we might still get it together. Man logic - simple!
* *
Angel
My night’s sleep was awful. I was worried but the worst bit was that although I might have a chance to set the wheels in motion tomorrow, I’d
still have to wait several days before I knew for certain. Counting back, I already had a pretty good idea I was pregnant. And it frightened the life out of me.
* *
We stood outside The Oriental Hotel at seven the next morning waiting for Danni to come and get us. JC had woken in a positive mood and was going out of his way to be nice to me, which made my deception harder. What was he going to think of me?
JC
Angel still wasn’t herself, so I decided to fill some time and try to describe our surroundings.
“We’re standing in what looks like an old town square. There’s a bandstand with delicate balustrades and a cobbled road around the perimeter. I can see the river drifting past and there are seven long and thin flat bottomed wood boats tied up along the bank. Some have modern outboard engines, others have old car engines and long propeller shafts bolted to the back. Most have plastic sheeting sunshade roofs and chairs beneath, two wide. It looks like there’s a neighbouring village across the water, I can see wood smoke drifting up from random bamboo houses. On our side of the river there’s a Mississippi-style houseboat with two wooden storeys and ornate handrails. Beyond it, the river widens out, a big swirling mass of water running with a fast stream. It’s very beautiful.”
Angel
I nodded, but hadn’t taken in any of JC’s description. When Danni arrived, I immediately grabbed my opportunity.
“Can I have a minute please Danni? Sorry JC, women’s stuff.” I said, squeezing his hand as we parted.
“Of course,” he said, unconcerned.
I walked several paces away, sensing Danni at my side. I kept my voice low and relayed the speech I’d mulled over in bed last night.
“Will you help me please Danni? I need a pregnancy test, but I don’t want my boyfriend to know. He’d get too excited and I need to be sure. I have some money, would it be possible please?”
My voice was unsteady, just for me to say that word, pregnancy, here of all places, freaked me out.
“Of course!”
Danni hugged me.
“When you get back from the lodge… or sooner, because I visit on the third day. Would that be okay?”
“Yes, thank you so much. But it needs to be kept a secret.”
“No problem. I know how men get. I’m so excited for you!”
Danni hugged me again, a lovely gesture, but it just made me feel even worse. Not just because of the predicament I was quite likely to find myself in three days from now, but because I was deceiving JC.
“All sorted?”
“Yup, we’re good,” I said, attempting my best smile, saved from further interrogation by Danni’s enthusiasm.
“The boat is this way, your jungle adventure begins!”
JC
The boat ride was amazing! It was one of the fifty feet long wooden boats that had been tied up by the hotel. It was only just wide enough for two people to sit side by side, with a big modern outboard on the back. It skimmed over the muddy brown water, speeding upstream at a rate of knots. The breeze was lovely, cooling and refreshing, but it didn’t seem to lift Angel’s mood. She was still quiet and withdrawn. It concerned me for a while, but with my own spirits soaring, I decided to try and cheer her up and go back to my normal running commentary.
“I could do with some quiet time JC… to enjoy the sensation of the ride,” she said, turning away from me.
“Are you okay Angel? I know it’s not the best timing for you, but we’re in a place few people will ever go to…”
I studied her indifferent reaction but gave up trying to push her further, she was probably best left. But I wondered why I hadn’t noticed such a change in her last month.
Perhaps it’s just the heat and humidity here.
I turned my attention outside of the boat to the lush green rainforest zipping by.
* *
After about an hour, the boatman skilfully slued us across the river and beached the nose of the boat onto the muddy river bank. We were helped ashore by the lodge manager, a lean muscular man in his forties called Monty. I pointed to my eyes with two fingers, then waved my hand - Angel can't see. He nodded his understanding.
We were then given a tour of the lodge set-up. There was a large bamboo octagonal meeting and teaching area. It was open sided, but clad in thin mosquito netting, with three hammocks strung up in a corner. Next came the separate kitchen building come dining room which was for around thirty guests. We headed up several sets of steep wooden steps and passed along an interconnecting walkway and mud paths to reach the six individual guest cabins, that looked out through the trees at the river below.
* *
“This is a lovely bamboo and wood hut Angel. It’s raised off the ground by short stilts, with a stone walled shower, plank floor and two single beds with mosquito nets. Simple, but beautifully clean and functional,” I said as I sat on the bed furthest from the door.
“Be a bit strange, not sharing a double bed with you. I might get lonely,” I said, trying to jolly along the conversation, but failing miserably.
“I won’t. Be nice to have enough room to sleep for a change,” she said, a sour edge to her voice.
I stood and touched her lightly on the arm.
“Come and sit down Angel, you’re not yourself and I want to know why.”
“I’m fine. It’s this place. It’s so fucking hot and full of nasty bugs!”
I gritted my teeth and struggled to stay calm.
“Have a drink of water. There’s a cold shower if you want to cool down before the nature trail. Hey, we might see wild monkeys.”
Reluctantly she came and sat down, but seemed agitated. She fidgeted, rubbing her arms, unable to sit still. This wasn’t the Angel I’d got to know and had started to develop feelings for.
“Please don’t be nice to me, it doesn’t help.”
What on earth do you say to a comment like that? I gave up, walked outside and sat down on the porch decking, dangling my legs off the side.
This had all the hallmarks of a doomed friendship, and despite all the positive vibes over the last few weeks, I was really starting to think this whole trip had been a terrible mistake.
* *
Angel
I sat on the bed feeling awful. My predicament was worrying enough, but I was also upset because of the atmosphere between us. I was screwing things up, but had no way of making everything right. For the first time on this trip, I felt really alone. If I could’ve pressed a magic button and whisked myself back home I would have. I was dreading the rest of the trip now and was quickly coming to the realisation that I couldn’t continue. The only way I could salvage any long-term respect from JC was to leave him.
My emotions overcame me and I felt my eyes fill with tears. How the hell had I fucked up this badly? I started to cry, feeling completely alone in the world.
I didn’t hear the door open, or the footsteps across the floor. I had my head in my hands and was rocking back and forth trying to comfort myself as I felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me into a close hug. I completely let go and sobbed my heart out, my shoulders juddering uncontrollably as I buried my head in his chest.
He held me there for ages, rocking with me, saying nothing, just gently stroking my hair. His embrace felt so safe, but it somehow made me feel worse. My stupid mistake had already sealed our fate and I was convinced he was going to hate me.
“It’s okay Angel. Shhh…”
But of course it wasn’t.
Thirty Five
Angel
Eventually I calmed down and regained some of my composure. Before any awkward questions began, there was a knock at the door and Monty called out a happy greeting.
“Amigos, are you ready to meet the animals?”
“Can we have just a minute please?” JC replied.
“No problem, I’ll be by the steps.”
I eased back from JC, rubbing my wet eyes.
“I’ll get you a towel,” he said, leaving me on the bed feelin
g alone. Then he sat down beside me again and carefully dabbed a hand towel against my face, soaking up the tears.
“Later, after dinner we’ll talk this out.”
I started to shake my head to protest.
“I’ve gotten to know you well enough to care about you Angel. There’s something else going on here and you’re going to tell me what that is so I can help you. I’m not taking no for an answer. You will get it off your chest and you will feel better. Don’t forget, I know where you live!”
That made me chuckle a bit.
“Okay?”
I nodded, reluctantly.
It wasn’t a conversation I was looking forward to, but I’d made my bed. Now I had to lie in it…
* *
JC
God knows what was going on, I’d never seen Angel that upset before. True, we’d only known each other for a very short time, but it was an intense experience and I reckoned it was probably worth at least a year of ‘ordinary’ dating.
By the time we joined Monty at the steps, Angel had calmed down. Her dark glasses helped to hide the redness of her eyes. But she was still withdrawn, not her usual enthusiastic self at all. I was worried about her, but also for myself as well. I didn’t want to lose her, or what had seemed to be building between us.
As we walked and listened to Monty explaining what the different animal and insect sounds were, I was deep in thought, wondering what could have upset her so much.
* *
Angel
The worst thing about the day for me, other than carrying the burden of my secret, was how nice JC was being to me. He was extra attentive and made conversation for both of us to jolly the day along. He was trying so hard to look out for me, but it was just making me retreat further and further into my guilty self. I wanted to blurt it out, tell him, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t something I wanted broadcast to our hosts either, it was going to be painful enough.
* *
It was almost a blessing that the trail was such a challenge for me. The narrow twisting jungle path was slippery underfoot and scattered with tree roots and other obstacles to get over or around. It was also so very, very hot.