by Adale Geras
‘No … Well … ’ Why couldn’t she lie convincingly?
‘Tell me.’
‘At the flat. It’s not the kind of thing you talk about when you’re driving.’
‘God, that sounds ominous. You’re the boss. If it’s okay with you, I’ll just close my eyes. Still the middle of the night for me. Right?’
‘Yes, fine.’
He fell asleep at once and Zannah drove on, rehearsing different ways of saying what she had to say.
Once they were in the flat, everything was a little easier. Adrian put down his cases and she went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. What would people do without tea at times like this? When she brought the tray out into the living room, he was sitting on the sofa.
‘Can we have it at the table?’ Zannah asked. She wanted to avoid the possibility that he’d put his arms round her. ‘It’s more convenient.’
‘Okay. You seem most odd, Zannah. There’s definitely something wrong.’
She pushed a cup across to him but he ignored it, and went on: ‘I’m not blind, you know. You’re unhappy.’
She removed the ruby ring she was wearing and slid it across the table towards him. He frowned and stared at it. ‘What’s this?’
‘Your ring, Adrian. I’m giving it back.’
‘Why on earth … ’
‘Because. I can’t marry you. I’m so sorry. I can’t.’
She’d never seen Adrian lost for words before. He turned white, then red, and kept staring at the ring, then at her as though somehow, if he waited long enough, everything would become clearer. She had to say something. ‘It’s not you. It’s me. I … I’ve realized while you were away. I don’t love you as I should. I mean, I love you, but not … well, not enough to spend the rest of my life with you.’
He pushed the chair back and stood up. ‘This is about Isis, isn’t it? Just because I said what I did last time. If it weren’t for that, everything would be fine, wouldn’t it?’
Was he going to do it? Apologize? Say he’d never meant it? She and Em had gone over what Zannah might say in such a case.
‘No,’ said Zannah. ‘I thought that was it, but it isn’t. Not really. Of course Isis comes into it, but … I’ve thought about it and I don’t think it’d be fair to you. What I feel about you has changed. I don’t love you in the same way that I did, Adrian. There’s no good way to say this. I’m so sorry.’
He strode over to the window and turned round, shouting at her, ‘It’s no fucking use being sorry! You’re nothing but a spoilt, selfish bitch. As long as everything’s going your way it’s all wonderful, but the minute someone wants to do something you disapprove of, that’s it, you’re off. No looking back. No regrets. Nothing. How about me? What am I supposed to do now?’
‘I don’t know.’ Zannah sat at the table and wondered if he was right about her. Perhaps he was, but she couldn’t do anything about it. She wasn’t going to fall in with what he thought about Isis but even if she did, she’d already admitted to herself that she wanted still to be married to Cal and no amount of adapting herself to Adrian’s desires would change that. Should she tell him? Would that make things better or worse? In the end, she decided to shut up and let him think whatever he wanted to about her. She said, ‘I know your mother’s worked fantastically hard on this wedding … ’
‘And spent a fortune. Don’t forget that. What’re you going to do about it?’
‘I’ll deal with it, okay? I’ll pay back every penny. I’ll speak to your mother.’
‘Don’t bother. I’ll tell her. I’m going down on Saturday as you know.’
‘That’s days away, Adrian. I’ll tell her. It’s the least I can do.’
‘Thanks for nothing. Over the phone, I presume?’
‘I’ll go and see her. I’ll cope with everything.’
He went back to the sofa and flung himself on to it. ‘What d’you expect me to do with that ring?’
‘Take it back. It’s yours.’
‘No, I bought it for you. Keep it. I’m not interested in it.’
Zannah stared down at the ruby. She knew that if she kept it, she would never wear it. She said gently, ‘Adrian, it cost you a lot of money. Perhaps you could get some of it back?’
‘I don’t want the bloody money – can’t you understand? I want you and I can’t have you so I’d rather not have anything to do with your ring or any other crap you think up, okay? It did cross my mind a second ago to beg you to marry me. To beg you to love me still, but that’s pointless. You’ve made your mind up and you want nothing more to do with me, so as far as I’m concerned you can get stuffed. And I’ll tell my mother. I’m going to drive down there right now. You can forget about seeing her. She won’t want to speak to you. In fact, once she gets over the shock, she’ll probably be quite grateful not to be getting involved with your relatives. She was never entirely happy about having what she called a con in the family, and when I tell her what you’ve done to me, she’ll think she was entirely justified.’
‘I’d better go.’ Zannah stood up. ‘Goodbye, Adrian.’ What could she say to make things better? Nothing. Why wasn’t there some form of words? She tried, ‘I hope we can still be friends.’
‘Oh, do me a favour, Zannah. Fuck off with your mealy-mouthed clichés and leave me alone.’
She left at once, feeling ashamed, sick and relieved all at once. She walked quickly to her car. As she drove towards her flat, she was making a list in her head of who had to be told, what had to be done. Ma would want to come down and see her but she didn’t want that … She’d only just emerged from a blanket of parental care in Altrincham and the last thing she needed now was someone else to take into account. No, she’d let her know on the phone and say she was absolutely fine. She started to go over the other repercussions, and wondered whether she could still turn round, go back to Adrian and tell him she’d been mad. He’d forgive her, she was sure, if she pleaded with him. They could still have it: the wedding, the flowers, the music, the heavenly food. The day they’d remember throughout their lives. She still wanted it. She longed for it. There must have been something wrong, she decided, with the whole relationship from the beginning if what I’m feeling sad about now is the wedding. Perhaps Adrian’s right and I am selfish and spoilt. I must be completely unfeeling as well. How would Adrian manage? Would he be okay? I ought to care more than I do. Why aren’t I crying? Am I completely heartless? Zannah knew it wasn’t that. She’d done her thinking and her crying when she was up in Altrincham last week. Now, she needed every bit of her energy to deal with everyone she had to tell: Mrs Hayward, Maya, Charlotte, Ma, Pa, and Maureen too, because whatever Adrian said, she’d want to tear a strip off the woman who’d let her son down. I’m ready for her, Zannah thought. I’ve got to be strong from now on.
*
Cal was the first person she tried to reach. Of course he was out somewhere and all she heard when she rang his mobile was Leave a message and I’ll get back to you. She said, ‘Cal? It’s me. I just wanted to let you know. The wedding’s off. I’ve split up with Adrian. Bye.’
Emily was at work but Zannah reached her on her mobile. Before she’d had a chance to say a word, Emily said, ‘You okay, Zan?’
‘Fine. Can you talk?’
‘Not really. Have you done it? How did he take it?’
‘Not well, but better than I expected. He’s going down to tell Maureen tonight. I’d better go. Got to phone Ma and Pa. I’ll tell you the details tonight.’
‘Okay. Sure you’re all right? I can come home early, if you like. What about Isis?’
‘She’s going to Gemma’s for a bit after school.’
‘Right. See you later, then.’
‘Bye.’
She’d just put the phone down when she heard the trilling of her mobile. Adrian. Texting her. Trying to get hold of her. Wanting her back. She fished the phone out of her handbag and looked at the display. It wasn’t Adrian, it was Cal. She clicked on ‘read’.
&nbs
p; Don’t cancel anything. Must talk to you. xx.
*
‘I’ve sent for Graham, darling. He needs to know what’s happened.’ Maureen felt as though she and her son were the survivors of a natural disaster. She would never, she told herself, understand it as long as she lived. How could someone throw away the chance to be married to Adrian? She’d always had certain reservations about Zannah without knowing exactly what they were, but had put down her hesitation as the natural jealousy a mother felt about the woman who was about to marry her son. Now, however, it looked as though she’d been spot on. Zannah was nothing but a silly little bitch who gave herself airs, and she seemed to Maureen, now that she looked back, to have been … What was the right word? Stand-offish. Superior. As though she felt she was better than you were. Snobbish. She was not the woman for Adrian. Maureen’s duty now was to console her son and persuade him that he’d had a narrow escape, not a devastating loss. She said, ‘You’re being very brave but I can see it’s a shock. I can’t believe it. I really, truly can’t. How could she throw away the chance of being married to you, that’s what I can’t understand.’
‘She doesn’t love me any longer.’ Adrian was drinking his third gin and tonic. ‘Shit happens.’
‘She must be mad. Quite, quite mad.’
The moment she’d opened the door to her son, Maureen could see that he’d been hurt. She’d been right not to allow him to speak till he’d eaten and drunk something. Then it had all come pouring out: the treachery, the underhandedness, the sheer cruelty of that Zannah, who looked as though a strong wind would blow her away.
‘I’ll have to ring Genevieve in the morning. And Roland. Cancel the food and the cake. I’ll lose the deposit, of course. What does she propose to do about that?’
‘She did say she’d take care of the money stuff. She wanted to come down and see you.’
‘I’m not interested in talking to her, thank you very much. Though I might email her. Or, better still, send her a letter with a piece of my mind enclosed, along with the bill. What’s happened to the ring?’
‘I’ve got it. I tried to get her to keep it, but she wouldn’t.’
‘I should think not. Take it back and see if they’ll give you anything for it. I’m sure they will. Something, if not the whole lot.’
‘Just let me get over it in my own way, Mum, okay? I loved Zannah. I’ll need time to recover. She’s hurt me.’
Maureen had to stop herself hugging him to her bosom as if he were still a small child. Instead she reached across the sofa cushions and squeezed his hand. ‘Of course, darling. Of course you loved her. But you’ll be all right. Really you will. You’re so handsome. It won’t be any time at all before you meet someone else. Someone much more suitable, I hope.’
‘Hello,’ said Graham, coming into the room. Maureen had been so absorbed with Adrian that she hadn’t heard him. She sprang up at once.
‘Oh, Graham, thank God you’re back. It’s off. The wedding’s off. Can you believe that girl? I’m still dumbstruck. Poor Adrian. Look at him. Sit down and I’ll pour you a drink and tell you about it. What did I say about that family? From the word go? Didn’t I point out that no one else we knew had a relation who’d been to jail? Didn’t I?’
‘You did, Maureen,’ Graham said and went to sit down on the chair opposite Adrian. ‘But I think Adrian should tell me what’s been going on, don’t you?’
Adrian sighed and started his story all over again. Maureen only half listened to what he was saying. She began mentally making a list of the people she’d have to contact first thing tomorrow morning. Poor, poor Adrian. He might seem in control and grown up, but Maureen recognized the signs. The darling boy was in agony. Until he was quite recovered, he would be her priority.
*
Cal was sitting across the table from Zannah in a local Greek taverna he’d always been fond of, and which she privately thought was a bit rough and ready. He’d come round to the flat straight from work and invited her out for a meal. Emily was away for the night in Newcastle.
‘I often have dinner in restaurants,’ Cal said.
‘Then you’ve changed.’ Zannah smiled. ‘You used to think going out to restaurants was a waste of time.’
‘I still do, a bit. This is a special occasion, though. I want to say something.’
‘Which you couldn’t do at home?’
Cal shook his head. ‘Didn’t want Isis to know. Not at this stage.’
‘Know what?’
He leaned forward and helped himself to more wine. Then he gazed straight into her eyes in a way that Zannah found disconcerting. He seemed not to know what to say next, which was strange for him. If it had been anyone else sitting opposite her, she’d have said he was nervous. What did Cal have to be nervous about? He said, ‘I’ve been thinking, Zannah, and I want to ask you something, okay?’
As he spoke, he reached for her hand. Don’t make too much of this, she told herself, trying to ignore the thrill that ran through her. What you’re feeling is no more than ordinary pleasure at Cal’s kindness. She knew this was a lie even as she was thinking it. She was thrilled. She couldn’t help it. She still fancied him, but that was no reason to get carried away.
‘Ask me whatever you like,’ she said finally. He was being kind, because he knew how she’d be feeling after breaking up with Adrian.
He said, ‘Will you marry me, Zannah?’
‘What? What did you say?’
‘I asked you to marry me.’
‘Why?’
‘What do you mean, why? Isn’t it obvious?’
‘No, Cal, it isn’t. Not a bit obvious. You want to marry me?’
‘I was married to you once, and I wish I still was. I’ve wished it for ages. I love you, Zannah.’
‘Oh, Cal, why didn’t you say?’
‘You were with Adrian.’
‘That was only in the last year … ’
‘I know. But that’s … ’ He sighed and went on, ‘It’s been quite hard to live through, Zannah. I didn’t say anything because, well, you’d made your mind up and I didn’t want to spoil anything, but it’s been tough seeing you so happy with him. I used to dread bringing Isis back because your face … You know what I mean.’ For almost the first time since she’d known him, Zannah could see naked emotion in his eyes, the kind of emotion he’d always been at pains to cover up with a smile and a jokey remark. The shock made her catch her breath. She turned her hand in his, grasped his fingers and squeezed them tight.
‘Go on, Cal … tell me,’ she whispered, leaning towards him, near enough to smell his skin: a smell she’d have recognized in the dark, in a crowd of people.
‘You were in love and it showed, and every time I saw it I wanted to obliterate it. Forget it at once. I couldn’t … Shit, it sounds corny as hell but I couldn’t stop dreaming about you. I thought I’d got over you but I hadn’t. Not really. And all the time, as the wedding kept getting closer and closer I wished things could have been different.’ He smiled at her. ‘And now you’ve broken up with him. So I’m asking you to marry me again. Will you, Zannah?’
‘Yes. Yes, I will.’
He was lost for words, Zannah could see. He looked down at the table, then raised himself a little from his chair and leaned over the space between them. He took her head between his hands and kissed her on the mouth. ‘Darling Zannah,’ he whispered while his lips were still on hers. She heard her name breathed softly into her mouth, and felt herself melting, dissolving.
Cal sat down again, and smiled at her. ‘I’ve wasted hours imagining this. I have missed you … I’ve missed you so much, Zannah.’
‘Me too,’ Zannah said, as she sank back into her seat. ‘I didn’t know I was missing you but I was.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. I can see I was now.’
‘So … ’ He took a deep breath and grinned at her. ‘Let’s order pudding and I’ll tell you something else.’
‘Tell me you love me instead
, Cal. Tell me again.’
‘I love you, Zannah. I love you all there is.’
‘And I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you. Not deep down. I’m so sorry, Cal. I could have … ’
‘Never mind that. I want to talk about the wedding. The one you arranged with Adrian.’
‘I’ll have to cancel everything now. Maureen’ll deal with the catering but the rest … I’ve got to do that.’
‘No, you must keep the whole thing exactly as you planned it. I’ll fit in with that.’
‘With a marquee and flowers and a church ceremony and a traditional wedding dress and bridesmaids? You cannot be serious?’
Cal nodded. ‘I am. I’m especially keen on the bridesmaids. Isis says the whole day will be, like, soooo wicked. Her exact words. As far as I can make out, what we’ve got to do is uninvite Adrian’s friends, invite mine instead and find some food from somewhere at quite short notice. And I’ll have to hire a proper suit. Piece of cake. Piece of wedding cake.’
Zannah laughed. ‘God, Cal, you’ve always hated that sort of thing. You really must love me.’
‘Oh, Zannah, you have no idea how much.’ That look was back, the burning gaze she’d seen before. Then he grinned at her, suddenly back to his normal self. ‘Right, where’s that waiter? Let’s see if we can get hold of some baklava. And a bottle of champagne.’
*
‘Daddy, what’re you doing? Why are you and Mummy cuddling like that?’
‘Isis?’ Zannah sprang out of Cal’s arms. After the champagne, they had made their way home and relieved Louise, who’d been babysitting. Now she and Cal were on the sofa, giggling and kissing like teenagers. They were nearly at the stage where … well, she was grateful that this interruption was happening now and not later. She patted her hair and tried to sound as though she had control of her breath. ‘What’re you doing up, Isis? You went to bed ages ago.’
‘I had a bad dream. I’m sorry. Daddy, you’re still here … why haven’t you gone home?’