by Claire Adams
I had started working out a lot more since I had quit, so it wasn't that hard. The island was so small I could practically see where it started and where it ended. Plus, Keno was cool. He was good company. He was no Abby, but I wanted very different things from her than I wanted from him. He told me he had lived on Lanai all his life and was going to die here, too, as far as he was concerned.
It was sort of embarrassing hearing where he had come from. We had had very different lives. I felt like a little Richie Rich asshole who'd been coddled my whole life. He lived in a small place in Lanai City, but he'd done it himself.
I knew what it meant to be my father's son. I knew how much clout my last name carried. It was part of the reason why I hadn't followed him into business. Money made misery easier; it didn't make you happy. Even if you wiped your tears with Ben Franklins, you were still crying.
What was that like? Being in the same place all your life? I’d had a passport since I could talk. Besides moving to LA from San Francisco, I had been around the world, most of the time just because. Just to travel. Was it because he couldn't? Or because he didn't want to? It seemed so limiting to me.
"You've never left this island? Are you fucking serious?" I asked him.
"I've been to Maui, Molokai, Kauai-"
"You've never gone to the mainland?"
"Nope," he said lightly.
"Why?"
"Why would I? I live here."
"You're surrounded by people who've traveled here from different places. You never wanted to go somewhere yourself?"
"I've thought about it, but it's not that important to me to try leave. I don't want to leave. There are things I want that I want to get for myself; that's just not one of them."
"I could never do it. I mean, I came here, didn't I? I like being able to leave if I want to."
"You have something to run away from," he said sagely. "Or you're just not in the right place."
"If you had my life, you'd know why I had to run," I told him. We trekked in silence for a few minutes.
"Can I ask you something?" Keno said.
"Sure, what?"
"What's going on between you and Abby?"
"Nothing," I said truthfully.
"You had a lot of questions about who she was dating," he said. He didn't sound like he was accusing me, but he was onto me.
"I wanted to know," I said shrugging.
"Did you go out?"
"No... Well, sort of. It was just a few times, and she was basically just taking me on tours around the island. It wasn't that deep."
"You like her," he said looking in front of him.
"She was all right," I tried to say, flippantly.
"If she was all right, then what happened?"
"Nothing happened."
"Something happened. Otherwise, you'd still be hanging out with her. I know you're only here because you two aren’t talking anymore," he said.
"It's not like that," I started, defensively.
"Nate, it's not a big deal. I know how it goes. What happened between you two?"
"I couldn't do it to her anymore. When the summer ends, I'm going back to LA. She's staying here."
"I think she knows that, brother."
"It's not right. I can't make her believe this can be a real thing and then just up and leave at the end of August."
"You didn't want to hurt her?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's shitty leading her on like that. It's better if she doesn't have any expectations. Then, I can't disappoint her."
"I can see why you did it, but, tell me something, are you happier that you did?" he asked.
"What?" I frowned.
"Are you happy with that decision you made to cut her off?"
"No. I liked hanging out with her. She's a great girl."
"Do you think she's happy about it?"
"Definitely not. I think she hates me for what I said to her."
"Love's a scary thing, but you can’t be scared of it," he said.
"Whoa, who's talking about love?" I asked.
"I'm just saying," he said. "Love makes its own decisions. It's a mystery, it can take you anywhere. Make you do anything."
"I'm not in love with Abby."
"I never said you were," he said, looking over at me.
"So what's your point?" I asked, angrier than I wanted to sound.
"My point is you made that decision for a reason, but if it isn't making you happy, then maybe it's not a good enough one." I thought about it. Love? He had to slow the hell down; we weren't doing all of that. We had slept together a few times. We weren't in love.
"By the way, if you're willing to torture yourself and her because you're afraid to hurt her, you are in love," he said.
"You're single. I'm supposed to take your advice why?" I asked. He laughed.
"I'm not single because I want to be. I don't have a choice. You don't have to be single. You made that choice." I thought about what he had said the entire way back to the resort after the hike. Maybe he was onto something.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Abby
This was my fourth summer at the Four Seasons. I loved my job and the position it put me in to meet new people every day. Never in my four years had I thought that my job was boring. It wasn't. It wasn't even that now. There was always someone new or something new happening. It was not boring. It was just normal now.
The weeks I had gotten to spend close to Nate were behind me now, and if I tried, I could pretend that nothing had happened. It helped that I hadn't seen him and he hadn't called the front desk. He must have locked himself up in his suite again. If that was what he had done, then, oh well, that was what he wanted to do with his time.
It was callous to say he wasn't my problem anymore, but I realized around four days in when I had still been feeling like shit, with Makani's help, that there was a difference between mourning and moping.
It had been about two weeks now, and I was feeling better. I’d let myself feel deeply for Nate in the short time that we had been in contact, but that was over now. Other things had begun, and other things were going to keep happening.
Simply put, I had to move on. I had stuck my neck out for Nate and put my heart out there. This was something that he didn't want, and even though that rejection had hurt, all it signaled was the end; it didn't erase everything that had happened. The summer wasn't over yet. It was fine if he wasn't part of it because there were so many other people who were going to be.
I wasn't so distraught that I couldn't work anymore. I'd been spending most of my time back at the desk with Makani, but today I was outside, on tour duty again, and this was a little different.
Rayleigh and Hank had just gotten married and were here for their honeymoon. In the time it had taken me to show them around the resort, barring the golf course, they had managed to give me an entire rundown of their gorgeous wedding and how it almost hadn't happened. They had meant to have the wedding and the honeymoon at the Four Seasons, but a mistake booking had meant they thought they were getting married in Hawai’i before they had called to confirm their booking.
They were a young couple from Texas; they hadn't had to tell me because I could hear their accents. I didn't think I sounded very Texan since moving to Lanai, but when I would hear people who were, I heard my accent slip out a little when I spoke to them.
I loved the weddings we had on the island, but honeymoons were the next best thing. It was nice to think you were part of this experience the couple would remember forever. Rayleigh and Hank were following me back up to the resort from the beach, which they had asked me to show them: the end of their tour.
They had fallen slightly behind me, holding hands and whispering to each other.
"Abby?" Hank called. I stopped walking and let them catch up.
"Yeah?"
"Hey, you might get this a lot, but I mentioned it to Ray, and she said she sees it, too. Have you ever been on television? You're awfully familiar." I felt ice run up my sp
ine, but cleared my throat, giving them my practiced, professional smile.
"Maybe someone should put me on television. You wouldn't believe the number of people who have asked me," I said jokingly. He laughed, making me relax.
"We were just convinced we had to have seen you somewhere."
"If I was on television, someone still owes me a check," I said lightly. His wife caught up, and I sent them on their way, returning to the lobby and getting behind the desk.
That could have gone horribly left, I thought. I hadn't had to lie to a guest like that in a while now. It wasn't something I liked having to talk about, but like my neck, I had to. I guess I always ran the risk of being recognized by someone who might have heard about my father on the mainland and was here on vacation, but I had time and a new name on my side. Most of the time.
I got back to work, sitting down next to Makani. She told me she was going to the bathroom and left, heading to the rear, near our changing room. I looked at my computer for a while before glancing up. A tall man with dark hair caught my eye, and I admonished myself for thinking it was Nate. I looked twice and froze.
It was Nate. I wasn't imagining anything. Fuck. I was alone behind the desk; I had to talk to him.
My heart started pounding, and my throat dried out. We hadn't talked since he had told me in as many words that he was done with me. Seeing him walking towards me, I felt the resentment I had tried to bury beneath my work and being busy rearing up.
I looked down and steeled myself for the conversation as he approached. This was still my job. I'd tell him what he wanted to know and he could leave. What was so important that he had left his room to say it instead of calling, though? I thought despite myself.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Stone," I said stiffly, giving him a detached smile. "How can I help you?"
"Please stop calling me that," he said, smiling. His complexion was alive and bright. He looked rested and peaceful; he looked great. He was a handsome guy anyway, but he looked healthy like he had managed to stay off the drugs.
I had to stop myself from asking because as it stood between us now, I wasn't his friend…or anything else for that matter. I was asking him as an employee of the Four Seasons how I could make his stay more comfortable.
"Is there something I can help you with?" I asked again.
"Actually, yeah," he said suggestively, raking his eyes over my face and body in a way that made me start to sweat. "I want to see you tonight."
"I'm sorry, the resort forbids personal relationships between the staff and guests," I said dismissively.
"Do I have to find your manager and get him to make you come out with me?"
"Is that what you would resort to in order to get me to see you when I clearly don't want to?"
"Come on, Abby. Stop acting like we just met."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm doing my job, Mr. Stone."
"I want to apologize for the past couple weeks. I shouldn't have said what I said to you. I want to talk." I allowed myself to look in his eyes.
"No.”
"Abby," he pleaded.
"I can't give you that if that is all you're looking for. I'm working. You know the limits to what I can and can't give you within those boundaries."
"I know I fucked up. Let me fix this," he said. I shook my head.
"How could you come back to me asking for that after telling me to leave you alone?"
"I made a mistake."
"‘I don't need you anymore,’" I said quietly. "Those were the words you said to me. You made your mind up, and after that, I made my mind up, too. If there is nothing I can help you with, please leave."
"You don't mean that," he said.
"I mean it as much as you did. I didn't hound you after you told me to leave you alone. All I want is the same respect," I said looking back down at my computer. He was silent for a moment, but he didn't move.
"I'm sorry if what I said to you made you hate me. Don't shut me out when I'm trying to apologize to you." I shook my head again.
"You shouldn't have come here to talk to me knowing I wouldn't be able to stop you. Please leave. This is the last time I'm asking," I said.
I kept my eyes down because I didn't want to cry in front of him. I heard him hesitate before finally leaving. I sighed. It was ragged and long; I had been holding my breath. Goddammit, Nate, I thought, touching the corners of my eyes to catch the tears before they started falling.
"Abby?"
I jumped at hearing Makani come back behind the desk.
"Are you okay? I heard what you said to him."
"I'm fine," I said.
"Hey, if you need a little time, it's okay," she said.
I shook my head, sniffing. I didn't want to go to the bathroom and cry like he and I had broken up. That wasn't what it was. We hadn't been together in the first place, so there was no good reason for me to feel like I had lost him. He was never mine.
It just sucked. Why did he have to choose today to come and see me? I was finally feeling normal. He was finally starting to matter less and now, I had to start again from scratch.
And then what he said? He wanted to see me again? How dare he. How dare he act like he hadn't told me to fuck off. No. No way. I couldn't do it. There was a good reason I didn't put myself in this position with anybody, and this was it.
"I'll be fine," I said hollowly to Makani. Still, I felt her watching me the whole day. She didn't believe me. I didn't either.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nate
Keno might have been kidding about that comment he made the other day on our hike, the one about me hanging out with him because I was on the outs with Abby, and it might have been true at the time, but things had changed since then.
He was a cool guy; I wasn't sure if I was giving him enough credit. There was no other way our paths would have crossed than if I hadn't come to Lanai. On top of that, if things were different and he lived in LA, I don't know whether he'd be the sort of person I hung out with.
I didn't have friends. Not real ones, anyway. Your friend wasn't someone who only had something to say to you when there was something you could offer them. They just liked you.
Keno might have been becoming my friend. I felt like Abby was my friend, in a lot of ways. She cared about me. She went out of her way to do stuff for me. She didn't let me keep hurting myself when I wanted her to. I didn't want to be her friend, though. Not just her friend. Keno could be my friend. I wanted her to be more than that. How much more? It wasn't worth asking since she wanted nothing to do with me now.
I came to the bar more often now, but not to drink in the morning like a crazy person. It was pretty early, but there were still some people lounging around the pool when I passed by it to get to the bar. I said hey to Keno, seeing him in his usual spot. He asked me what I had going on today. Nothing, as usual.
“I was going to head out to the beach. The waves look good today,” he said.
“You want to swim?”
“Surf,” he said. “You’re coming with me.”
“I don’t know how to surf,” I said.
“You’re still coming with me,” he announced, coming around the bar.
“You mean right now?”
“No time like the present,” he said.
“Can you just leave? Aren’t you working?”
“Hawai’i is the freest state in the US; you can do whatever you want here,” he said, laughing.
Shit. Okay, if he said so. I was down. I hadn’t spent much time at the resort’s beach, but I looked at it from my suite every day. I had seen people surfing. I had never done it a day in my life, but why not? Keno was cool.
After giving me a Surf 101 lesson on the beach on our rented boards, we went out on the water. It was a lot harder than he made it look. I watched him more than actually managing to do it myself, but it wasn’t a bad way to spend a morning. He sat on his board and paddled over to me.
“I don’t know if this is my sport,
man,” I said.
“You should learn. Girls love it,” he said, laughing. Since he had brought up girls…
"I talked to Abby the other day," I told him.
"That's great. How'd it go?"
"Not good," I admitted.
"She refused to talk to you?"
"No, it wasn't that. I went to talk to her at her desk. I asked her to go out with me. She gave this bum excuse about not being able to see guests personally. That isn't true, is it?"
"Whether it's true or not, that was a really convenient time for her to bring it up," Keno remarked.
"I fucked up. I want to see her, and she won't even give me the time of day."
"You miss her."
"I just want to see her again. It wasn't fair, what I did to her. And it didn't even do anything. I still feel like shit."
"I don't know what you're waiting for, brother," Keno said.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you don't have to do this to yourself."
"I already tried to talk to her. I have to try something else. I don't know. I'll think of something."
"How long will that take?" he asked. "You said it yourself: you’re leaving, she’s staying here. You only have so many days till you have to get on that plane."
"You want me to go to her house and refuse to leave until she agrees to talk to me?" I asked, getting frustrated.
"You remind me of a story I heard once about a man. He was like you, a good guy. He had a good life and he was happy, but he was missing something. He was alone. He wanted a woman, a wife he could spend the rest of his life with. He knew his life was good the way it was, but he couldn't help thinking and dreaming about the life he could have when he finally found her.
“So he started planning for it. He started planning the life he was going to have when he finally found the woman of his dreams. He planned everything: the home they would build together, the family they would raise, even the conversations they would have together, every day for the rest of their lives. He wanted everything to be perfect when he finally found her, but there was one problem.