by Claire Adams
"That doesn't make it better. I really care about you, Abby. I know I've hurt you already, but I didn't want you to believe I could give you something that I couldn't. I still don't," he said. I sighed, touching his chest.
"But you came back," I said.
"I couldn't stay away knowing I still had you close enough to touch," he said quietly.
"Then that's all that matters," I whispered. I closed my eyes concentrating on the feel of him under my hands and warming my body. He was here. Here and now, this moment was what mattered.
I didn't want to keep having this conversation because I already knew he wasn't mine to keep. I didn't need to spend the precious moments that we did have basically planning to lose him. I wasn't going to do that. I was going to be present in these moments because they were what I'd have to hang onto even when he had left. They were mine. I had them even if I wouldn’t always have him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Nate
Abby was really beautiful when she slept. Since getting off the dope, I had gotten a lot better at waking up early. Today, I had woken up in Abby's bed, at her place, which I realized I liked a hell of a lot more than waking up in my suite.
Though, it was more that she was with me and less the place we were, really. I just wanted to be near her. It had been a long ass time. What the fuck had taken me so long to come back to her?
I watched her face. Peaceful and smooth. Really pretty. She didn’t have freckles anywhere else besides her nose and cheeks.
This was so creepy. I knew that, but I couldn't stop. I hadn't had her this close in so long. My eyes ate her up. The slope of her nose, chin and jaw. I touched her there softly; the soft skin where her throat met her neck.
There was that scar. I touched it lightly, feeling the tougher, raised skin. She didn't seem to have any others, at least none as noticeable as that one. It wasn't ugly or anything; it was just in a place that was hard to ignore.
She moved, exhaling deeply. I watched her face scrunch before she stretched her back and her eyes opened. She squinted, looking up at me before cracking a small smile.
"Hey," she said sleepily.
"Hi. Did I wake you?"
"Mm-hmm. But that's okay. I need to be up right now, anyway. I could feel you touching me."
"Sorry," I said. "I was looking at this," I said touching her scar again. "Must have been some accident." She shrugged from her position down on the bed.
"Could have been worse. Could have gotten attacked by a shark," she joked.
"It looks like it really hurt," I said. She sat up.
"It happened a long time ago. Do you have any plans today?" she asked.
"I was hoping for a repeat performance of last night," I said, smirking.
"That sounds great, but I have to go to work," she said, getting up. She went to the bathroom then came back out, walking to her closet. I didn’t take my eyes off her. Watching her get into her clothes was just as good as watching her get out of them. She glanced over and noticed me looking, blushing bright pink before turning her head away.
"Can't believe I lasted a whole month," I said to myself, looking at her.
"You found other ways to keep yourself busy, though, didn't you?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you're a hot guy in his twenties. You have the pick of the litter." I frowned. Did she think I had been seeing someone else?
"Abby, I haven't seen anyone but you since I got here."
"It doesn't matter if you have. I just want you to tell me. Full disclosure. No judgment. You're on vacation."
"Have you been seeing anybody else?" I asked. She turned to look at me.
"No. You're the first man I've been with in over a year. I don't expect you to treat me any differently because of that. I just want you to be honest with me."
"I am being honest, Abby. I haven't slept with anyone else since I got to the island."
"Why?" she asked.
"Huh?"
"Why not? Why haven't you slept with anyone else since you came to the island?"
"Because half the time I was too strung out to care, and the rest of the time I couldn't get it up for anyone but you," I said. She leaned her back against her open closet, looking at me on the bed.
"Why did you come back to me, Nate?" she asked. Her eyes looked scared and unsure. What did she think I did when we weren't together?
"I really like you, Abby. I care about you."
"But we barely even know each other. There are so many things you don't know about me and I about you." I stood and walked over to her.
"I know you helped me through one of the hardest nights of my life and dealt with me when I was a mean, angry asshole strung out on dope. I know you're kind and good. You love people, and you do things for them because you actually give a fuck.
“I know I don't know when your birthday is or your parents' names, but I want to know. I'd like to get to know you better, Abby. A lot better." She smiled a small smile that was a little sad. She leaned up, cupping my face, kissing me lightly on the lips.
She closed her closet and walked over to the back door, shooting me one more smile before leaving for work. Was that a yes? It definitely wasn't a no. Maybe it had been a little long and she was just scared or something.
Whatever it was, she had nothing to worry about. I had already made the mistake of pushing her away once, and I was not a big enough idiot to do it again. I grabbed a glass of juice from her fridge and got dressed, wondering what to do that day. It wasn't like when I could just steal her away from her job and spend the day exploring the island with her.
We had to do that again. I'd probably have a hell of a better time now that I was sober doing it. Her, too, since she wouldn't have to worry about whether I was feeling sick.
I wasn't dumb enough to think that I was on top of the world now that I was clean. The actual using was gone, but the desire to do it wasn’t. It was still there, but I was stronger than it, finally. Something had finally become a bigger priority for me than using, and that meant I wasn't a slave to my addiction anymore.
Maybe my optimism would taper off eventually, but I was still feeling really good about things. Even better now that Abby and I had made up. I got dressed and left her house, heading up to the resort and back to my suite. I took a shower and had breakfast before calling a private car company Keno told me about.
I barely even had to think about where to go now. I found myself drawn to the Garden of the Gods more and more. It was just a place I felt like my problems couldn't touch me. The first time I went there with Abby was the first time I remember feeling truly unburdened, and I felt it every time I went after.
The trip there could be a little easier, but it was always worth it. It was the middle of summer, and it had gotten a little hotter than it had been when I had gotten to the island. I hadn't gotten any new clothes, but I cared a lot less about people seeing my scars now. I didn't really care what anyone thought. It didn't matter.
There weren't a lot of people around when I got there, which was a good thing. I liked walking the perimeter so I could see that weird contrast between the beach, plants, and trees and the bare red soil of the rock garden. It didn't make sense, how it was so bare, just there in the middle of a regular landscape, but there it was.
I never did shit like this when I was back in LA, even though the option was totally there — hiking and taking walks. Going out in nature to be alone. Nope, that was something I'd picked up when I'd come to Lanai. Huh. That was odd.
It was like here in Lanai, I got out a lot more, I was less stressed, and I was taking better care of myself. Weird. It was like I was miserable in LA and hadn't realized it till I had gotten here. If there was a competition between the two, LA was losing, big time.
I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. Great. Who was I going to ignore now? I pulled it out waiting to see Kirsten's name since she was on a roll calling me at exactly the right time to ruin everything. It wasn't though. I
t was my father. I put the phone to my ear, happy that he had called.
"Dad?"
"Hi, Nate, you're up," he said, a little surprised. "I thought I'd have to try again later." I laughed. My days had started after noon for a long time.
"Yeah. I figured I was losing too much daylight getting up at noon all the time."
"That's great. You sound like you're having a good time."
"Great time actually. You actually caught me thinking about how much I don't want to come back to LA."
"Gotta come back to work some time," he said.
"Yeah," I said shrugging, wondering what work even really was anymore. "How are you?"
"Busy."
"Maybe you should take a break," I told him. He laughed.
"Maybe I should come there. Sounds like it’s doing you good."
"It is. I actually stopped using about a month ago. I feel great."
"That's great news, son," he said.
"Yeah. Maybe before I have to come back, I'll have all the band shit figured out."
"Just take it easy the rest of the time you're there," he said. "You'll figure it out."
"Thanks, Dad," I said. We talked a little longer before I let him go to get back to his work.
He was the one person on the mainland I actually wanted to see again once I had to leave Lanai. Poor guy. He should have gotten a son who liked wearing suits and working in offices. He was a champ, though. I would have probably self-destructed a long time ago if I didn't have him.
That brought the number to two: my dad and Abby. Everyone else could die in a fire; I didn't give a fuck. They probably knew the most about me after myself. Abby had nursed me through my withdrawal for fuck's sake; she'd seen everything.
I thought about her at work. Was she busy tonight? I didn't know. I didn't know a lot of things. I had just been to her house for the first time yesterday.
I knew she had a scar on her neck, was a kind and beautiful person, and what her kisses tasted like, but....that was about it. I didn't even know her middle name. Where was she born? Did she like peanut butter crunchy or smooth? I wanted to know. How had we known each other this long, and I had never thought to ask her any of that shit? That definitely had to change.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Abby
You're kind and good, Abby. I don't know when your birthday is or your parents' names, but I want to know. He wanted to know. He cared enough to want to get to know me.
I couldn't believe I was doing this again, but how could I not? I knew this wasn't permanent, but what in life was? This was what I wanted, and now I knew that it was what he wanted, too. I wanted to spend time and get to know him, as well. We still had some time and we wanted the same thing so...why not? Just this once, why not?
I practically skipped to work, I was feeling so good. I walked straight into the back to the changing room and found Makani there.
"Hey," I said. She turned and smiled at me.
"Hey. Did you get the notice from Joseph this morning?" she asked me.
"What notice?" I asked. I hadn't been paying the best attention, I realized.
"No desk duty today. We're taking a group out hiking," she said.
"Really? Cool," I said, shrugging. I walked over to my locker and started changing.
"You're in a good mood today," she quipped.
"I'm always in a good mood."
"I'd say a little better than usual. It couldn't be because of a certain guy who I left you with last night, could it?" she asked, grinning at me.
"I could ask you the same thing," I shot back. "Did you make it home last night?"
"His place was closer," she said shrugging. I laughed.
"Okay, I want details," I said.
"Well, when we got there, we talked a lot. We really managed to clear the air and talk about what we both still wanted from each other," she said coyly.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, skip to the good part," I said. She laughed.
"It was amazing," she gushed. "I swear, I didn't even realize how long it had been until we were back in his bed."
"Has he picked up any new skills since you were last together?" I asked cheekily.
"It was new since it had been a while, but it all felt so familiar. Our bodies just fit, you know? That part of the relationship had never been a problem. It felt like that was what I'd been missing."
"Sex?"
"Well, yeah, but not just that. Keno. Him as a person. His jokes, his weird stories, his company. The sex was incredible, but I feel like something bigger happened. I think we reconnected. I think we might be ready to give it another shot."
"He's been ready to give it another shot since you broke up," I said pointedly.
"I'm ready now, too. You were right about me being scared. But I know what it’s like to be without him now, and I hate it. Whatever happens, I know I want to still be with him." I smiled. Finally, the Cold War was over.
"I'm so happy you guys worked it out," I said.
"What about you and Nate?"
"We talked," I said.
"And then?" she urged.
"And then...we made up for lost time," I said shyly. Makani laughed.
"I knew he was going to spend the night. How was it?"
"Even better than the first time. I was so upset about what happened between us, and now I don't even care. I don't care that he's leaving. I don't care that he hurt me. I just want to enjoy him while I still can."
"Does he feel the same way?"
"He said he wants to spend more time together. Get to know me. This was exactly what I wanted in the first place," I said.
"Enjoy it. Take advantage of the time you have left. Maybe he might start coming back just to see you."
"I don't know about all that," I said sighing, "but you're right. I really want to do this with him."
"Not that he needs it, but he totally has the best friend stamp of approval," she said. I smiled, thanking her.
"Do you know anything about the people we're taking out today?" I asked her. She didn't. It wasn’t a group who had arrived together. It was a collection of people who had just booked a hike at the same time.
That was cool; I liked hikes. A lot of people didn't really think hiking when they thought of Hawai'i, but Lanai had some amazing trails. So much of the island was still rugged and wild.
The group we had was a mixed bunch, some older and younger people. For the sake of keeping everyone happy and making sure everyone was okay during the hike, we chose a coastal trail instead of an inland one. That way they could enjoy the beach and coastal cliffs instead of just forest. The Pu'upehe trail went along Hulupoe Beach and up a cliff where we would be able to see Sweetheart Rock.
There were a few kids on the hike with us. They ran ahead, exploring the tide pools and hopping along the rocks usually covered with water when the tide was in. In the group were a few people who were around the same age as we were. Rayleigh and Hank were there, too, but they hung around the back of the pack taking a lot of photographs. I walked with Makani. It was a beautiful day, as usual. Desk duty wasn't bad, but it was nice to get outside sometimes.
I lasted no time at all before I started wondering where Nate was and what he was doing. I sort of wished he had some on the hike with us. He seemed pretty athletic; he'd be able to hack it. A guy in a black baseball cap fell into step next to me. I glanced at him and smiled.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi. What's your name?"
"Clay. What's yours?"
"Abby. This is Makani," I told him. "You checked in this past weekend, didn't you?"
"Yeah. You live here on the island?"
"Mm-hmm. Where are you visiting from?"
"New York."
"What do you think of Lanai?"
"I usually stay on Oahu, but I might be coming back here," he said.
"You should," I said.
"I think I will. I'd love to hang out again."
"Oh, are you a big hiker?" I asked, dodging the obvious flirtat
ion.
"I could become one," he said. Oh boy, I thought. "When do you get off work?"
"Depends on why you're asking."
"Let's go somewhere for drinks," he suggested.
"Can't," I said apologetically motioning to Makani.
"Does she want to come, too?"
"No, she's not going anywhere with you," Makani said.
"Are you together or something?" he asked.
"Ding, ding, ding," I said, laughing with Makani. I only used the island wife excuse when guys weren't taking no for an answer. There was no truth to it. Honestly, I was interested in Nate, and this guy was doing nothing for me. He left me alone, falling back in the group.
We got back to the hotel, walking up from the beach. The group started breaking up since we were on the familiar trail up to the hotel.
"Abby?" I heard someone call behind me. I stopped. Makani stopped with me. Rayleigh was hurrying up the trail to catch up with me.
"Is everything okay?" Makani asked.
"She probably just wants to ask me something."
"I'll wait over here," she said. Rayleigh caught up to me with Hank.
"Oh, my God. I knew you were familiar when we first saw you," she said, panting.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her.
"We know who you are. You're that girl. We heard the story years ago. Your father was the one who did all those killings in Texas," Hank said. My jaw dropped.
"N-no. You definitely have the wrong person," I stammered.
"No. Randall McCune. His daughter was the only survivor." My throat felt like it was being squeezed. No, no, no. How the hell did he find out? How did he know? I shook my head frantically, unable to get any words out.
"Abby, could you come with me? Excuse us, please, sir. We have to return to the hotel," I heard Makani say to Hank. I felt her take my arm and quickly pull me away from them. I let her pull me along like a ragdoll. I felt empty, like someone had knocked me over the head and I still hadn't gotten my bearings back yet.
Makani was speaking the entire way up to the main hotel building, but I didn't hear a thing she said. We passed the desk and went straight into the employee changing room. She pushed me down onto a bench so I could sit.