by June Francis
‘Looks like it,’ she retorted brightly.
Neither of them spoke their thoughts but Lily wondered how many people on Merseyside had not woken up that Sunday morning. She wanted to cry and cry but swallowed back tears and clenched her jaw and went back indoors.
‘I’m going to make a proper cup of tea,’ she said to Nora, whose teeth were chattering. ‘Then I’m going for a walk after the milking and see what I can see.’ Strangely she had stopped feeling sorry for herself during the night. Her heart felt heavy but it was with a different kind of sadness to that which she had felt over losing the baby. She drank a couple of cups of tea but did not feel hungry.
‘I can’t stand another night of it,’ whispered Nora, spreading dripping on a slice of toast and handing it to her son. ‘Me and Pete are getting out, girl.’
‘You can go to my uncle’s farm,’ offered Lily.
Nora shook her head. ‘I’m going further than that. I was hearing the other day that one of me neighbours has gone to Ormskirk. She gave me her address. I’ll be off in that direction as soon as it’s light.’
Dawn was tardy in coming and when it did arrive it was a smoky, fiery, scarlet orange. Lily fed the cows and milked them single-handed, then served people their milk before going walkabout late morning.
It was a red-eyed, grey-faced Frank who told her that Mill Road Infirmary had been hit, with mothers and babies killed. Someone had said they’d seen Matt in that area. She felt an overwhelming relief that he was still alive. ‘What about Ronnie?’ she asked. He hesitated and her mouth went dry.
‘Well?’ she whispered.
‘He hasn’t reported back yet, Lil. Not that that means there’s anything for you to worry about,’ he said hurriedly. ‘Lots of the streets are impassable and with his knowledge of the city he was sent to help guide some of the outside help in. There’s that many fires our own men can’t cope. The docks and the city centre are still burning and water and gas and telephone lines are disrupted. They’ve drafted troops in to help. It’s chaotic.’
She cleared her throat. ‘Do you know what that enormous explosion was early this morning?’
Frank looked even grimmer, if that was possible. ‘Ammunition ship at Huskisson Dock – went up like a box of giant fireworks. There was also an ammunition train that blew in Lower Breck sidings. Frightened the life out of most of us, I can tell you,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Thought our last hours had come.’
Lily nodded, her heart heavy, before walking swiftly in the direction of Mill Road Infirmary, trying to harden her heart against the sights she might see. There was still the sound of an explosion every now and again which caused passers-by to exchange glances. One man, clearing debris from a shop door, said in a jokey voice, ‘The end could be nigh. You’d better get your haloes polished, girls, ready to meet St Peter.’
It was too close to the truth to be really funny but Lily forced a smile considering he was doing his best.
She would not have recognised her husband kneeling among the rubble if an exhausted-looking first aid man drinking a cup of tea from a WVS canteen had not pointed him out. Matt had a woman in his arms and Lily was aware of a familiar jealousy as she scrambled towards him. Then she saw him pass the nightgowned woman to a man next to him and realised she was dead. Tears pricked the back of her eyes and she scrubbed them away as she clambered over piles of bricks. When next she could see clearly her husband was cradling a baby in his arms and she could not mistake the anguish in his face.
‘Matt!’ she called.
He looked up but did not move as she approached.
She knelt in the rubble, barely feeling the pain inflicted on her knees, and stretched out her arms for the baby. He hesitated before handing the child to her. She gazed into the tiny, crushed and battered face, considering how the midwife had taken her own baby away without allowing her to see it, in the belief it would lessen her pain.
‘Goodbye, baby,’ she whispered. ‘God bless.’
Suddenly she could no longer see the child’s face for tears and sensed rather than saw the man who took the child from her.
‘Lily, what are you doing here?’ Matt’s voice sounded raw, as if it hurt him to speak.
It probably does hurt, she thought, tasting the dust on her teeth and against her throat. ‘Ronnie hasn’t come home.’
‘I see.’ He laughed harshly. ‘I should have known only concern for your family would make you speak to me!’
His words pained her. ‘What about you?’ she cried. ‘You’re here. I could have been killed in the raid for all you know. You’re more concerned for other people than me!’
‘That’s not true. But would it be so surprising if it was, after the way you’ve behaved in the last weeks?’
‘I was hurt! I’m still hurting.’
‘Don’t you think I am?’
‘Not as much as me! I haven’t betrayed you!’ The words which she had not meant to say were out before she could prevent them.
He stared at her from eyes a steely-grey in his begrimed face. ‘We don’t know if I did.’
She hesitated. ‘All right we don’t,’ she said roughly. ‘But what about Ronnie?’
‘I can’t do anything about him. I’ve got a task to do here like all these men. They have families, too, but they can’t walk away. We’ve got some people out alive and you’re holding the work up. Go home. Ronnie could be there by now.’
She thought about that and nodded. ‘I’ll see you later.’
‘Be careful where you walk,’ he warned.
She rose carefully and left him. She would make chicken soup with the remains of the carcass of one of the dead hens. Matt would be hungry when he came in and, thinking positively, so would Ronnie.
Her brother arrived home late that afternoon. There was a bandage around his head and he looked at least three years older than last night. He was minus his bike. ‘What happened?’ She hugged him before pushing him into a chair.
‘I was blown off my bike.’ He rubbed his eyes. ‘It’s a wreck, Lil. I’m going to miss that bike. It was the first big present from Uncle William I ever had.’
‘You won’t be able to be a messenger now, will you?’ She experienced a wave of relief.
‘I’m of help to them. They said they’d find me another.’ His expression was suddenly hopeful. ‘But perhaps the bombers won’t be back tonight. You want to see it in town, Lil. Lewis’s is a mess and Blackler’s is completely gutted. As for round Paradise Street and South Castle Street, the fires are still burning and men are still trying to get people out of the rubble. Half of the rescuers are asleep on their feet.’
Lily wanted to weep again, thinking of all the unsung heroes this war was creating. She made tea but when she went to hand it to her brother, he had fallen asleep. Finding a blanket, she covered him with it and drank the tea herself, wondering when Matt would come home.
He arrived at tea time but they had no chance to talk. He fell asleep at the table as he ate. Sunday, the day of rest, thought Lily wryly. But they were to get little rest that night or the next as the heart of Liverpool continued to burn, providing an illuminated target for the Luftwaffe.
Then just when it seemed it was going to go on for ever and they’d all collapse under the strain, the bombing stopped. At last Matt and Ronnie came home, went to bed and slept the clock around. She left them to it. She slept in the Morrison shelter, knowing that sooner or later she and Matt would have that talk, but for now it would have to wait.
At the farm they had a frantic phone call from Daisy, asking if they were all right. It was a relief to be able to reassure her, said Uncle William when he saw Lily.
‘Any chance of her coming to see us?’ she asked.
He pursed his lips. ‘She was a bit cagey about that but let’s hope there’s a chance of her being drafted down here.’
When Lily told Matt of the conversation, he murmured, ‘I suppose if she has to find digs you’ll want her to come and live with us?’
There was something in his voice that caused her to say irritably, ‘Would you object? Nora’s gone so there’s room. She is my sister after all.’
He riffled his fingers through his hair. ‘She’s sharp. She’ll suspect there’s something wrong between us.’
‘Well, there is,’ said Lily frankly. Now the danger had passed, all the pain over Abby and losing the baby returned in a painful surge. ‘You fell in love with someone else.’
‘I never feel in love with Abby,’ he said stoutly. ‘I told you what happened.’
‘As you care to remember it.’
His mouth tightened. ‘Are you saying I’m lying about not remembering?’
Was she saying that? ‘I don’t know,’ she murmured. ‘I only know it hurts me unbearably to think you might have a child somewhere to someone else.’
‘I don’t believe it!’ He looked wretched but she hardened her heart.
‘We both know the way some women react to you.’
‘I can’t help that.’
‘Perhaps not, but you have to admit it’s not impossible.’ She cleared her throat. ‘If you were lonely you could have slept with that girl.’
He stared at her then moved over to the window. ‘I want to tell you to believe I wouldn’t do it, but if you can’t then what do we do? Can you forgive me? Perhaps you’d like me to serve some kind of penance?’
‘A punishment to fit the crime,’ she said, far calmer than she felt.
He turned and faced her but she could not make out his expression as he had moved out of the range of the lamp. ‘You mean no sex?’
Was that what she meant? ‘You said it.’ Her voice was flippant but her heart was thudding in her breast.
Matt was so still it was as if he had stopped breathing. Then in weary tones he said, ‘If that’s what you want, Lily. You carry on sleeping in the shelter. I’ll sleep upstairs.’ Without another word he walked out of the kitchen.
She watched him go. In her mind she could see herself running after him and saying, ‘That wasn’t what I meant at all! I’m not sure what I want. I do want you to hurt like I’m hurting still. Call it tit for tat. Call it a shared experience if you like. We’ve shared so little lately. I need you to realise I’m your wife, but also not to bank on my accepting anything you do because of that.’ But she did not put the thoughts into action. Her pride made her stay where she was and she forced herself to remember those years without him when she had had to do without the comfort of his arms around her and everything else that being married to a man meant because he had spent time with Abby and other people and with his God.
Chapter Sixteen
‘Good cup of tea that, girl.’ The man shoved his filthy cap to the back of his head and lit a cigarette.
‘Do you want another?’ offered Lily, forcing a smile and determinedly trying to ignore the smothering sense of loss and hopelessness which still gripped her months after her baby’s death, and had been made worse by the death and injury of so many others and the partial destruction of the heart of her proud city. The doctor had said she must rest but she could not keep still and wanted to help to bring some sense of order where there was desolation, while at the same time wanting to run from the sight of it – to find a green haven where there were comforting arms and her mother’s lilting Welsh voice telling her that all would be well in the end. She knew the space which she had enforced between her and Matt was disastrous to her own well-being but seemed powerless to do anything about it.
As for Matt, he had involved himself even more in helping others while she put hours in with the mobile canteen, supplying tea, soup and sandwiches to the men demolishing buildings and clearing away rubble. All her days were filled with some kind of work, anything to stop her thinking, but the thought of Abby having Matt’s baby alive somewhere still tormented her.
The workman spoke again, rousing her from her thoughts. ‘I don’t know what we’d do without you, luv. You and our boys in blue still managing against the odds to get through with our tea.’ His teeth showed nicotine yellow in his mucky face as she filled his thick white cup with the amber-coloured tea.
‘We’ve all got to do our bit,’ she said brightly, thinking of all those men still at sea, risking their lives to keep the supply lines open.
The fear of invasion had receded since Germany had invaded Russia, and air raids over Liverpool had been few and far between since those terrible nights in May. Although in its aftermath with so many ships sunk in the river and at their berths, with the dock road blocked in places, the port’s vital role as front door to the nation’s larder and entry for vital equipment from across the Atlantic had seemed in danger of grinding to a halt. It had been Ronnie who had told her how hundreds of men had worked feverishly to clear debris and wrecks to enable the ships to dock and be unloaded.
She considered how glad she was of her brother’s presence in the house. Only when Ronnie and the new lodger were there did she and Matt share any semblance of normal life. They both seemed different beings to the ones who had fallen in love in what appeared another world now. At least Ronnie did not seem to suspect there was anything wrong between them. Fortunately Lily had always been first up and last to bed so it was not out of the ordinary for her brother to find her downstairs in the early morning. An ache made itself felt in her gut and she realised how she missed the comfort and delight of sex with Matt. Hurriedly she thrust the visions the thought aroused aside and made herself a cup of tea, deciding that thinking such things would not make matters easier for her. But for the first time she wondered why she had not set a time limit on his sentence.
She switched off the tap on the urn and eased her back, gazing across the cleared bomb site where grass and weeds were already finding a tentative hold. Suddenly her name was called and a voluptuous figure, dark against the sun, came running towards her.
‘Wotcha, Lil!’ said May, her eyes abrim with merriment. ‘How’s the good works going?’
‘What are you doing here?’ Her mood lightened as she gazed at her sister’s bright young face.
‘Aunt Dora gave me her clothing coupons and with what I’ve got I might just about have enough to buy a new winter frock – so I thought I’d have a look round town. Not that everywhere isn’t a mess these days.’ She glanced towards where the men were working and one of the young lads wolf-whistled. She tossed her head but there was a smile on her lips as she met Lily’s gaze.
‘You’d better watch yourself, my girl,’ said Lily, amused.
May winked. ‘That’s what Aunt Dora says, but I’m not stupid, Lil.’
‘What set Aunt Dora off?’
‘We had men-type visitors.’
She was instantly alert. ‘Who? Tell me more.’
‘You’ll say I’m far too young to be thinking about men and I’d say I can’t stop thinking about them.’ Her eyes twinkled. ‘It was the two Aussies. One asked after you, wanted to know if you were all right. I told him you’d lost the baby.’
The muscles of Lily’s face froze. ‘Which Aussie?’
‘The Rob Aussie. He kissed me on the cheek and told me I was fair dinkum.’
Lily was more than annoyed. ‘Bloody cheek!’
May moved her tongue inside her mouth. ‘I told him he was too old for me and he said I’d get older but he’d still be young. Anyway he only kissed me because I helped him.’
‘How did you help him?’
May frowned. ‘I don’t know. It could be because I gave him and his mate a drink of elderberry wine and a slice of cake but somehow I don’t think it was that.’ She shrugged. ‘I’d better get along. I’ve left Vera with the kids in TJs. We’ll probably drop in later and see you at the dairy so make sure you’re home.’ She rushed away.
Lily stared after her, feeling like a hedgehog who’d had its spines pushed the wrong way. What the hell was Rob playing at, kissing her sister? She would get Vera’s opinion on what had gone on when she saw her.
Lily thought she had problems until she sa
w Vera. The younger woman looked strained but that was not surprising with Ben in North Africa and letters being infrequent. Every two weeks, with the help of Lily and Dora, Vera got together a parcel to send to him. Aunt Dora generally made him some kind of cake. This week Mrs Draper had offered hand-knitted socks and several hankerchiefs made from part of an old sheet. Lily had rummaged for and found a couple of Jules Verne on the second-hand bookstall, and there were sweets and chocolate, fortunately not rationed yet.
‘He’ll enjoy these,’ said Vera, placing the books in a bag. The twins were outside being initiated into the basic rules of hopscotch, drawn on the pavement with a chunk of plaster and using a piece of slate for a counter from a cleared bombed site. May had gone to visit her old friend Jean McGuire who was now working for the British American Tobacco Company in Kirkdale, where according to her, they were rearing pigs on the site of the bombed fitting shop, fed on leftovers from the canteen.
Lily decided to get straight to the point, but before she could speak Vera said tentatively, fiddling with the scone on her plate so that it crumbled, ‘Andy the Aussie called, saying he wanted to speak to Matt on a spiritual matter. Matt being an Aussie, he said he’d understand his needs better than a Pom.’
‘You didn’t tell him where we lived?’ responded Lily swiftly.
‘I didn’t know what to do,’ said Vera, her brows knitting. ‘So I told him the name of Matt’s church. Did I do right?’
Lily shrugged. ‘Right enough if he was being truthful and it’s not some trick of Rob’s.’
Vera looked at her curiously. ‘I wish …’ she began.
‘Don’t ask me to explain any more than that we met in Australia and Matt was away so he asked me out,’ said Lily drily.
There was silence.
Vera said slowly, ‘Andy asked me out.’
Lily stared at her and knew exactly how she was feeling. ‘You were tempted.’