by Sumida, Amy
I saw things in bits and pieces, my brain focusing on strange particulars. Odin was standing where I'd been just moments before, his spear thrust out. Light glinted off it as it seemed to wrench in another direction. I saw his face turn with it, determination in his eyes and then he focused on me and smiled. I blinked and the smile seemed different, frozen.
Then my head finished falling into the floor and I closed my eyes against the pain of it. People were yelling but my vision was hazy and it took me a couple of seconds to shake it off. I was confused by what I'd seen and when I was finally able to open my eyes, the world made even less sense.
Demeter stood above a body, her face expressing horrified shock and her sword lowered to her side. The body at her feet was Odin's but his head was on the floor near me, his sightless eye staring at me peacefully. At my back someone was bleeding on me and I glanced over my shoulder, still not comprehending what had happened. Maybe whatever was behind me would explain this insanity.
It was Fenrir and in his shoulder was Gungnir, Odin's spear. Fenrir yanked it out and threw it at Demeter with one swift maneuver, piercing both her armor and the wall behind her, pining her like a bug. She screamed and the sound seemed to bring me back to reality, back to the fact that Odin was dead. Instead of me.
“Odin,” I whispered, tears suddenly blurring my vision. “Odin no, this isn't happening,” I crawled forward and ran my fingertips over his cheek. His one eye was so beautiful and I kept expecting it to blink, wink at me like it was all a joke. But it wasn't, Demeter's screams attested to that. “Why did he spear you?” I looked back at Fenrir, maybe if I focused on something else, Odin's death would go away.
“He didn't mean to,” Fenrir was crouched behind me, his hand on my arm to steady me, and I saw Trevor and Kirill behind him, staring at me like they had no idea what to do. “When his body fell, I was too close and he struck me by mistake.”
“Oh,” I was strangely calm on the outside but inside I was screaming and this rage was building, a consuming fire that I knew was visible in my eyes. I could feel it there, turning my irises to embers. It felt like all of my magics were churning together inside of me, trying to find the best way to exact vengeance until they unanimously decided upon my dragon.
I stood up slowly and walked over to where Demeter was struggling with the spear. She stilled, staring at my face with terror as her hands trailed uselessly through the river of blood coursing down her belly. I inhaled deep, enjoying the coppery scent of it and especially the undertone of her fear. I could feel my face shifting, the dragon taking over and the heat rising. The tears sizzled on my cheeks, evaporating with my fury, and although I was outwardly hot, my anger was cold, freezing the heart inside my chest.
“Vervain,” Demeter whispered. “I intended to kill you, not Odin, never the Allfather. It was an accident, I'm so sorry.”
“I don't care if you're sorry,” I said gently and her eyes widened further. “I don't care about anything you have to say. This time you're not going to escape justice.”
I leaned toward her like I was going to kiss her and she reared back into the dirt wall. I gripped her face with hands that were suddenly tipped in talons and I shoved those talons between her lips, pulling her mouth open. She made a mewling scream before I pressed my mouth over hers and breathed into her my fire.
The scream turned into a horrible whimpering noise as I roasted her internally and then she ceased to make any sound at all, probably because I'd melted her vocal chords. She began shaking like an epileptic but I held tight, transferring my grip from her mouth to her shoulders. Then I pulled back and reached into her bleeding mouth, the sides of which were cut to ribbons from my claws, and calmly pulled her cooked tongue from her, tossing it to the waiting wolves. Tongue is a delicacy, you know.
I heard a growling behind me, encouragement for my cruelty, and I let it buoy me up, let the rage consume me and turn my vision red. I don't remember what I did to her after that. I just know that it took a really long time, longer than even the wolves could endure, and finally it was Kirill who came forward and stilled my hands, then wrapped his arms around me and just rocked me a little.
The dragon inside me seemed to sigh, giving one last breath to our vengeance before settling back into me. I shuddered, suddenly cold from the heat's departure, and I sank into Kirill's warmth. His heartbeat was strong against my cheek, a sign that he at least was very much alive. I started to cry then and when I wiped away the tears it was like wiping away sleep. I was able to finally comprehend the extent of the damage I'd wrought.
Demeter looked like Kael had when the Wild Hunt had finished with him, bloody bones and strips of meat, and a small part of me wondered if my dragon had blocked me from experiencing what we'd done to Demeter. Or had I simply let her take over and do the dirty work while I mentally checked out? It didn't matter, what was left of Demeter wasn't easy to look upon and I knew the time had come to end it.
Instead of beheading her though, I reached for her magic. I heard the echoes of warnings inside my head, that I already had more magic than one human body should be able to hold. But something told me this was important, that every step along the way had been leading me to this moment and that I needed to take Demeter's magic into myself for good. It almost felt like someone else was lifting my hand, someone else was stealing Demeter's power while I just observed.
Her bloody body jerked as I found the root of her magic and pulled on it but she was beyond making any sounds. I took her magic in silence, only my heartbeat in my head and Kirill's against my back to fill the emptiness. I felt the magic rush into me, the taint in it overwhelming my senses. It was putrid green and moldy black, and it burned my flesh as the smell of decay filled my nose, reaching down my throat to choke me. It was cloying, becoming almost a taste, and I gagged but the emerald on my neck, a present from my newly deceased husband, grew warm and drew the taint out of the magic. I was able to take a deep breath of clean air before I pulled on it again, while the emerald filtered and pushed the evil infection into the earth.
When the rot was gone completely, I was suddenly filled with cold and my dragon didn't like it. She growled at the snowflakes filling me but I calmed her with the promise that this was only a piece of Demeter's magic. Be patient, there's more to come. So she settled back, only batting at a few flakes lazily, and waited for the weather to change. My other beasts came forward as well, and they too stared at the new magic with suspicion. I guess none of us liked the cold.
I felt the frost upon my breath and the freezing ache of loneliness in my chest but I also saw the beauty of winter, the happiness of sliding down a snow-covered hill and catching a snowflake on my tongue. There was a feeling of rest and recuperation which I understood and I accepted the magic for what it was. The snowflakes sank into me.
Then it started to warm up and I felt the chill ease away to herald the birth of a new season, the birth of anything I wished to conceive. The power of Spring. Hope came, and it was an bitter drink, what with Odin's body lying nearby, but I took it and welcomed it. I felt the roots stretching beneath the earth, new shoots rising to the surface as the flowers of Spring appeared. They eased into me with the promise that everything passes, that everything is a cycle, a circle, as I'd once told Odin. We would meet again.
My body was shaking, wracked with violent sobbing, by the time Spring sent its roots deep into me and Summer rolled forward. Heat filled me in full force and it was such a comfort that my tears faded. Kirill was still holding me and I felt Trevor pressed around us as well, the strength and love of my two men helping me as nothing else could. I swallowed hard and opened myself up to Summer as the magic opened to me. It was a ripening power, the power to urge life onward, to create and destroy, the balance that was being worked toward by the previous two seasons.
The scent of poppies and narcissus overwhelmed me and I heard the cry of a crane. It flew into me with the magic and I wondered what it meant. The magic laughed at me, letting me know that
all would be revealed to me for I was now the keeper of the Mysteries.
The crane had been Demeter's symbol, sacred to her, as were the poppy and narcissus. It was no coincidence that cranes carry babies to their parents in children's stories for Demeter also held fertility magic. It was far stronger than I'd imagined, a magic that could alter and heal, a magic that could breathe new life into things.
It flowed through me, strengthening my soul as well as my body and comforting me as Spring had tried to. The magic was happy, like Aphrodite's had been, to belong to someone who wanted only good things from it, who wanted to use it positively. It raced into my cells, filling me with the full heat of Summer.
Then Fall came into me, a dry wind with the scent of burning leaves and rich soil. This was a fertile time as well, a time of gathering, and I felt the rattle of dry leaves blow through me with a cooling breeze. The neutral colors filled my mind and then they crumbled away with a happy chuckle. They died so the earth could be renewed and they did it gladly. As gladly as Odin died for you, they whispered. Gods know the power of sacrifice even better than humans do. Don't waste it, hold tight to the offering and use it to become stronger.
I felt the last of the magic roost inside me with a feeling of settling leaves and I let out a shuddering breath as I fell back into Trevor and Kirill. They caught me easily, lowering us all to the ground where I could see Odin better. Someone had placed his head back with his body and he almost looked okay, except for the red gash that ran along his neck. I screamed then, like my reaction had been on pause until that very moment, and the whole room shuddered from the shock of it. So I screamed again and again until my voice was hoarse and all I could do was whimper.
I pushed their hands away and crawled over to him, my dead lover. My savior. I laid my body beside his, my hand sliding up to his face as I buried my own face into his chest, wishing I had someone to pray to, someone to beg to bring him back. A horrible thought entered my head, that it was my just desserts for leaving him all those centuries ago. That now it was my turn to feel the aching loss of knowing that I'd never have the one I loved beside me. I'd never again see Odin smile.
Then there were wings around me and gentle hands on my skin. A tingling warmth spread into my chest, easing back the anger and grief enough for me to take a cleansing breath. Black feathers blocked out everything but Odin, myself, and my angel. I leaned back a little and sighed, letting the comfort only the Angel of Death could bring wash over me.
“Azrael,” I whispered with my raw throat. “How did you know?”
“How could I not?” His cheek was against my face and I could feel his own tears mingling with mine. “Have you forgotten our bond? Your grief was like a spear to my heart. It pulled me right to you.”
“A spear,” I sobbed and looked back at him. “Make sure someone takes care of Gungnir.”
“Vidar has it,” Azrael whispered and I suddenly realized that I'd forgotten my sons.
“Vidar,” I pushed back against Az a little and his wings opened and folded behind him. “Vali.”
“They're right here,” Azrael extended a hand gracefully and I saw my sons, kneeling side by side beside us, faces stricken and red with grief.
I reached out for them and Azrael backed away to allow my boys to surround me. We cried together, sobbing over Odin's corpse, and I wondered if they'd done something similar with mine. I hated myself then, for doing this to them, for leaving them to deal with this. I hadn't truly understood the grief I'd put them through until that moment. How crippling it was, how impossible to think beyond. Even though I'd stopped screaming, the sound of it still filled my head with a constant horror and I knew I'd do anything to get Odin back and make it stop. An eye was the least of what I would sacrifice.
Then I felt a comforting warmth surround us that was even stronger than what Azrael had brought me. His magic was there still but this was heat and life, the beat of animal hearts and the strong love inside them. I looked up to find both the Froekn and the Intare pressed into us, arms wound around each other, forming half-circles around us that extended through the room and out, past the doorway and into the next. The waves of compassion flowed inward and a soft keening filled the air as my family joined us in mourning.
Finally, when I was so spent I could barely move, Vidar and Vali helped me to my feet and put me in the arms of my men. I stood aside as they lifted their father, Vali holding his body while Vidar cradled his head. I let out one more gut-wrenching sob to see him carried like that and then stilled as they passed me, heads lifted high. They knew as well as I did that Odin had sacrificed his life for mine. It seemed like all he'd done since the day he'd met me was sacrifice for me and now he could do no more. He'd given it all.
“Come, Minn Elska,” Trevor said softly. “It's time to leave this horrible place.”
And then I fainted.
Chapter Forty-Eight
The week that followed passed in a blur. I know people asked me questions, my sons were often the ones asking, but beyond that I'm not sure what I even said. I just sat there mostly, fingering my emerald pendant and wishing that my ring could change the past instead of just letting me relive it.
I even considered going back with the ring, to a time I'd spent with Odin so I could relive some happiness with him. I didn't though. I knew I'd never accept his death if I kept reliving our life together. Maybe later, sometime in the future when I'd healed a little more, I could reminisce in person.
At the end of the week I remembered what all the questions had been about but only because Trevor, Kirill, and Azrael had come to escort me to Odin's funeral. I had stared blankly at them a bit and they'd ended up helping me dress, they even brushed my hair for me and put gloss on my lips. I remember thinking how silly that was, lip gloss. Why did I care if my lips were glossy? What did it matter? What did anything matter when Odin was dead?
But I let them do as they wanted, it was easier than talking and when Trevor pulled me into his arms, I let him do that too. I sank into him as he traced us to Valhalla and I clung to his arm as he led me outside Odin's golden Hall.
It was full night in Asgard so the path to the pier was lined with torches, the firelight somehow making it all feel surreal. My men escorted me to the end of the pier; Trevor on one side, Kirill on the other, and Azrael behind us with wings lifted high like a banner announcing to all that here I was, the death of Odin. I huffed a little to myself, wondering how many people had actually had Azrael in attendance at their funerals. Not in his professional capacity but simply as a mourner. Death himself mourned for Odin and still I felt that it wasn't enough.
We finally reached the end of the pier where Odin's longship was waiting along with a huge gathering of gods. The faces blurred for me, I had no idea who was there beyond my lovers who kept a hand upon me constantly.
We went onto the ship and I saw a pallet laid out in the spot where I'd made love to Odin on numerous occasions. That was a bit rough for me and I almost started to bawl like a baby. I caught my breath and stood very still as Azrael carried a thick mattress on board and put it on the wooden pallet. Then he laid linens out and pillows. I frowned, what was all this then?
When he was finished, Vidar and Vali carried Odin's body on board using a litter adorned with flowers. They'd somehow reattached his head and he looked to be asleep, his face as peaceful as it was upon his death. I knew with absolute certainty that Odin had chosen his death, had gone willingly before that blade, knowing he was trading his life for mine. The conversation we'd had earlier suddenly passed through my mind and I gasped, wondering if Odin had foreseen this, had some kind of premonition. In that moment I was jealous and angry over his decision. Having experienced both sides, I now knew it was much easier to be mourned than to be the mourner. Tears began to slide over my cheeks.
They laid him out on the bed, transferring the flowers to surround him again, and then Thor came forward with a shield, a sword, and a spear; Gungnir. His face was etched with sorrow, I'd never
seen Thor look so wounded and I'll never forget the way his face collapsed when he laid Odin's weapons around him. For a moment I wished I had the strength to comfort him, to go and take his hand and tell him all would be well, that we'd get through this together but I could barely believe that myself. There was no way I could comfort anyone in the state I was in.
I was a little surprised that they were going to send Gungnir off with Odin, it being a magical spear, but I guess tradition is tradition and I wasn't about to interfere. I'm sure it would have been what Odin would have wanted. He was big on following the Norse customs, those were his people and warmongering or not, Odin had loved his followers.
There were no other offerings, no food or items that Odin might need in the afterlife, because we all knew that there was no afterlife for Odin. There had been no one there to claim his spirit, no one who could have carried him into another territory so that he may live on. Azrael had come too late, there would be no Heaven for the Allfather or Hell either for that matter, one or two Ls.
I had a sudden jolt of panic fill my chest as I thought of how I really didn't know what happened to Odin. He could be anywhere or nowhere and I didn't know what would be worse. Was he simply gone, not existing anywhere anymore, or was he being tortured in some horrible dark place? Maybe he was just floating in some empty space, wishing he could get back to me.
I pushed those thoughts away as I was escorted from the ship and led up the pier. I couldn't focus too intently on them or they'd drive me insane and I'd start screaming again. Nobody wanted that and I didn't want to shame Odin's memory by going nutso at his funeral. So I took a few calming breaths and carried on.
We all turned and watched silently as the ship was released from its mooring and started to drift away into the center of Asgard's lake. Then Vali stepped forward and lit the tip of an arrow from a brazier set up on the end of the pier. He pulled back on his bow and let the arrow fly.