by Tee O'Fallon
Gray exhaled a long, heavy breath. “I didn’t sleep with you just for sex. Which, by the way, was mind-blowing, in case you couldn’t tell.”
Alex smiled, thrilled that it was as memorable for him as it had been for her. “What was the real reason you didn’t ask me out a long time ago, before you found out the Pyramid gave me money?”
“I told you, I didn’t think you were ready.” He clasped her hand and kissed it. “Neither of us was ready. As much as I wanted you, we both needed time to get to know each other.”
Alex looked down at their clasped hands, unsure what to say. Gray’s assessment was totally accurate. “I guess we all have things in our past that make it hard to let down our guards.”
“Amen to that.” Gray turned onto his back, holding her hand to his chest.
As he stared at the ceiling, Alex could practically see the demons behind his eyes. She wondered what he was remembering. Instinct told her she already knew.
“Something terrible happened to you in Afghanistan,” she said, rather than asked. Gray released her hand and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Talk to me. I want to help.”
His broad chest rose on a deep inhale and he threaded his fingers through hers. “There’s nothing you can do to help. It’s in the past.”
“But it’s not, is it?” Alex said, shaking her head. “Whatever it is, it’s here in this bed with us and always will be unless you talk about it.”
“Maybe you’re right.” He leaned over and gave her a long, soul-searing kiss that made her heart beat faster. When he looked down at her from those beautiful silver eyes, she felt as if she were standing on the edge of a steep cliff, holding her heart in her own hands. If she took that giant frightening leap, it could either be her emotional downfall or a wonderful life filled with love, passion, and magical possibilities—the kind of life she’d never thought possible before meeting Gray.
He trailed his fingers down her shoulders, skimming the tops of her breasts visible above the sheet. “Trust doesn’t come easily for some people.”
“Do you believe in me?” she asked. “More importantly, do you believe that I didn’t use you? Please, Gray. I need to know.”
She held her breath, realizing that if he didn’t believe in her, then they had no future together. When his eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened, her heart shattered into a million pieces.
…
I do believe you, Gray wanted to say, but something held him back.
In his heart he truly wanted to trust Alex, and to believe in her, but his police detective brain still struggled with the certainty that she wasn’t telling him everything.
Gray turned on his side to face her, and his heart squeezed at the thought of losing her. He was facing a life-altering decision. He either had to have faith and trust his heart, or walk away and never look back.
He stroked her cheek, reveling in its softness, wishing like hell he could say the words she wanted to hear, but he wasn’t ready.
When a lone tear slipped from the corner of her eye, it yanked at his heartstrings. “What is it? You can tell me anything.” He kissed her tear away, tasting salt on his tongue.
“Nothing, I just—” She swiped at another tear. “I wish we could start fresh, as if none of this had ever happened. But I know that’s not possible.”
Gray felt something shift discernibly in the very core of his being. “Maybe not, but we can try to move forward.”
He knew what he had to do. It was time to move forward, and with the secrets he’d kept from his own family for years, he had no right to judge Alex when he’d been doing the very same thing.
Holding back.
“God knows I hate sounding like an attorney…” He grimaced. “But in the interest of full disclosure there are things you should know about me. About my past. It’s ugly, and you should hear it.”
As soon as he said the words, Gray was thrown back in time. He was there again. That place he never wanted to return to—the mountains of Afghanistan.
The soft touch of Alex’s hand on his chest was a lifeline, holding him to the here and now, keeping him grounded in a way only she could do. He threaded his fingers through hers. Somehow he always knew it would be like this with her, and it felt right that she was the first person he would confide his worst sin to.
“Dom and I met in Afghanistan. I was in the Marines and Dom was Army. At least I think he was.” Gray shook his head. “Truth is, I don’t really know who Dom worked for. I only know that what he did was beyond secret. Figured he was half military, half spook. Probably part of a black ops unit. We hit it off and began sharing intel. He needed a safe place for a doctor to set up a makeshift children’s hospital. Turned out there were a lot of kids with serious injuries suffered during explosions. TV news shows loved to broadcast U.S. troops injured by mortar fire and IEDs, but the public never got to see how many native Afghani were injured in the process, many of whom were children.”
“That’s terrible.” Alex squeezed his hand.
“Most of the children had already lost their parents. Dom’s doctor friend—Anika—was all they had. She was looking for a new location to set up her hospital, since the last one she operated out of got hit by mortar fire. She also needed basic medical supplies, everything from gauze pads to operating tables and units of blood.”
Blood. The one thing that was never lacking in Afghanistan. Sadly, most of it was either seeping out of someone’s body or already absorbed into the ground.
“Dom came to me for help finding a hidden location for the hospital. I used my best Afghani informant, Marina, to help me find the perfect spot. I ponied up a lot of money for that information, but it was worth it. The building she found was hidden in the middle of an abandoned village not far from one of our encampments. Anika set up shop, and Dom managed to get all the supplies she needed, except for one thing: blood.”
He still couldn’t believe the sequence of deadly events that followed.
“Many of the children’s injuries involved severed limbs and amputations, so the need for blood was at a premium. Supplies of all blood types were running low. I came up with the idea to have our troops donate blood for the hospital. Marina even helped out by entertaining them with her exotic dancing while they waited in line. Things went well for a few months.”
The vivid and horrific scene came to him in less than a heartbeat.
Fire and smoke. The stench of burning human flesh filling his nose and lungs. Children’s cries pounded his skull as if he was standing right outside what was left of the hospital remains.
“Go on.” Alex smoothed her hand across his brow.
“The explosion was so intense we heard it from our encampment. The enemy used rocket launchers and targeted the hospital. By the time we pulled up, there was nothing left but rubble and smoke. Everyone was either dead or dying. Eighteen children, most of my unit, and Anika.”
Gray squeezed his eyes shut. Not a single body remained intact. “There wasn’t much left for burial.”
Alex gasped. “My God. What kind of monsters would intentionally target a hospital filled with children?”
“Exactly. Monsters.” Gray stared straight ahead at the empty wall, but inside his head the scene he was reliving was as vivid as the day of the explosion. “I got word to Dom. He was devastated. Not just for the children or the men who died, but for Anika. Turned out he was crazy in love with her. He’d already served four rough tours in Afghanistan, but he refused to leave because of her. As long as she was there, Afghanistan was his home.”
Alex caressed his shoulder. “You said the hospital was hidden. How did the enemy know where it was?”
“Marina.” Gray clenched his jaw so tightly his teeth cracked. “With Dom’s spook connections, he found out the bitch sold Anika and those children out. Literally.”
He balled his hands into fists. “Marina was a beautiful woman, but she was getting older. Selling her body for cash and pretty things no longer netted her enough to live a
t the level she was accustomed to, so she began selling information to make up the difference. The hidden location of a hospital funded by the U.S. military, let alone one receiving blood donations from American troops, was worth a lot to the enemy. So she sold the location of the hospital.”
Something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
“It was my fault.” Gray squeezed his eyes shut. “I trusted Marina, and I shouldn’t have.”
“How could you have known what she would do?” Alex’s voice was soft and full of compassion. “How could you ever have imagined that she would sell the lives of those children, your unit, and Anika for money? Wartime or not, no woman with a soul would ever hurt a child.”
“Marina had no soul,” Gray growled, baring his teeth. “I should have known that. I should have seen it.”
Alex continued rubbing his shoulder in slow, gentle circles. “People only let us see what they want us to see.”
“She was on the Watchlist, under a different name. Unfortunately, that’s common.” He still remembered the black and white photo on the computer screen. Gone were the lively brown eyes bubbling with laughter. In their place were cold, hard eyes brimming with malevolence.
Needing to focus on something else—something to ground him to the here and now—he sought out Alex’s compassionate, crystal-blue eyes, thanking God they were so different from Marina’s.
“How did you find out she was on the Watchlist?” she asked.
“Fingerprints.” Gray held up his hands, staring at his fingers. In his mind they were covered in blood.
Alex touched her hand to his cheek. “So you caught up with her?”
“Yeah. I caught up with her.” Another memory assaulted him, one he wasn’t proud of. “Dom scoured the area for her, crazy with revenge. I finally got intel on where she was hiding, but I didn’t tell Dom. What happened was my responsibility, my mess to clean up.”
“What did you do?” Alex’s voice was a soft whisper.
A chill passed through Gray, and his blood went cold. “I hunted her down and killed her.”
He stared at the bedroom wall while Alex’s hand slid up and down his arm. He no longer saw the framed paintings he knew were there on the wall. The picture he saw in his mind was Marina. Cold, lifeless eyes. Blood running down her chest, seeping from the fatal knife wound he’d inflicted. Someone with that much evil inside them—a woman who callously took the lives of so many innocent children—should no longer have the privilege of walking on this earth. He had no remorse. She needed to die. But a part of him died with her that day.
Until today he hadn’t told a soul what he’d done. Not Cassie, not even Dom. Although Dom knew. The day he hunted Marina down like the animal she was, he found Dom and told him not to bother looking for Marina. Then he turned and walked out of Dom’s tent without another word. Neither of them spoke of it again, nor had they uttered Marina’s name since. It was an unspoken pact between them.
It took a moment for Gray to realize that his head rested on Alex’s chest, and her hand was stroking the back of his head. He exhaled a tight breath. For the first time in well over a decade, he experienced a sense of freedom. Or was it vindication? Christ, he’d needed to tell someone, and he hadn’t realized it until now. Until Alex.
She stroked the side of his head. Her touch was cool and soothing. “What did you and Dom do after that?” she asked.
“I don’t know what Dom did. I went back to what was left of my unit, but it wasn’t the same. I needed to get out of there or blow my brains out. A few months later, I left the Marines, came home, and applied to the NYPD. I tried to get Dom to join up with me. At first he didn’t. It was difficult for him to leave Afghanistan and Anika’s memory. Eventually, he came home and the department picked him right up. With his background, he was a shoo-in for the job.”
“Now I understand.” Alex continued stroking his hair.
“Understand what?”
“Dom is worried that if he gets involved with Daisy, he’ll lose her, too.”
“Probably.” He lifted his head. “But you have to let those two work it out alone. No intervening and no repeating any of this to Daisy. Promise?”
When Alex smiled down at him, it was like sunshine peeking through the dark storm clouds of his deadly past. “Promise.”
Gray shifted position, tucking Alex’s body against his, and fell into the deepest, most peaceful sleep he’d had in fifteen years.
Chapter Sixteen
Seated at one end of the conference table, Alex listened while Gray completed his briefing to the room packed with NYPD officers, detectives, and federal agents. Lt. Frye sat silently at the far end of the table. Maps were reviewed, radios checked, team assignments made.
Alex clasped her shaking hands on her lap, hiding them from view so no one would see how nervous she was. The part she was to play in this operation was simple—hand off a thick envelope to whoever was at the meet location then walk away. Easy enough.
Between the NYPD and the FBI and HSI agents, there would be five teams of armed officers—a total of twenty men and women—monitoring and recording the meet and protecting her if something went wrong. Despite all that protection, the only thing giving her confidence was Gray.
After a quick but sensual shower at her apartment, one that almost ended in them being late for the briefing, they arrived at the precinct. Instead of their usual suits, Gray and the other men wore cargo pants and long-sleeve dark shirts. At his suggestion, Alex wore dark slacks, a button-up blouse, and flats. The only other garment she would wear to the meet was her coat. She wouldn’t even have a pocketbook with her, just the envelope she would hand off to the Pyramid.
They had less than an hour to complete the briefing and attach the locator transmitter before Alex drove to the meet location. Traffic on the Belt Parkway was iffy any time of day, and Gray seemed concerned enough about the meet being so far from Manhattan.
“Let’s finish up, people.” Gray stood tall and imposing at the head of the table, looking good enough to eat, in Alex’s opinion. She loved the way his thickly muscled arms and chest filled out his black shirt. The only thing she loved more was the way all those muscles had felt beneath her fingertips that morning as she soaped up his incredible body in the shower.
While Gray continued briefing his team on logistical issues she didn’t need to focus on, Alex’s mind drifted back to the horrific things he’d confided last night. He’d been through hell and survived. It didn’t take a world-class shrink to understand where his mistrust came from.
As much as she’d needed to tell him some dark things about her own past, last night hadn’t been the time to unload her problems. That conversation had been about helping him, not her. But tonight it would be her turn to come clean.
Gray pointed to a street intersection on a large map tacked to the wall behind him. “Team one is already set up at the location recording anyone who comes and goes. Teams two through four will leave immediately after the briefing to get in position.”
A dozen officers nodded in unison.
“Team five,” Gray continued, “you’re with Dom and me. We’ll surveil Alex the entire time from the moment she leaves One PP. After she makes delivery, teams one through four will follow whoever takes the package from Alex. This is a delivery only, so she’ll wear a locator transmitter, nothing else that might be picked up by a receiver. She’ll be driving a rented blue Ford Taurus to the meet.”
Gray recited the sedan’s license plate. “Any questions?” The room remained silent. “Then roll out.”
Oh my God. I’m really doing this.
While the room emptied, Alex pushed her chair from the table and leaned over, sucking in deep breaths.
Gray knelt before her and rested his hands on her knees. “I’ll help you through this, and I’ll be there every step of the way. We all will. Twenty of the most highly trained officers and agents in the business will be guarding your beautiful backside.”
She
raised her head and saw something in his eyes. Love? No, concern. But was there more?
He cupped her chin in his hand. “Talk to me.”
“I’m scared.” She grabbed Gray’s hand and squeezed. “If something goes wrong, don’t let Nicky’s father get custody. I didn’t run from him just for my sake, I had to get Nicky away from his…his…” Alex didn’t want to voice what she suspected Jan was becoming. “His influence. Please. Promise me again that you and Daisy will take care of Nicky.”
He squeezed her hand in return. “Nothing. Will. Happen.”
“Promise me.” Alex sat up. “I need to hear it.”
Gray released her hand and held the sides of her face. He met her gaze dead-on. “I promise I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.”
Alex pulled his hands away and clasped them firmly in hers. “That’s not what I want to hear. This isn’t about me.”
Gray shook his head. “I won’t talk about the future without you in it. You’ll be fine. All you have to do is hand over the package to whoever is waiting for you.”
“Okay.” She took a deep breath as he handed her a thick brown envelope. “What’s in here?” she asked, knowing the department would never hand over genuinely sensitive information.
“Fabricated reports and other intel that contain just enough truth to pass muster.” Gray’s mouth was set in a hard line.
“What’s wrong?” Alex was better able to read Gray’s moods with each passing day. “C’mon, detective. It’s my ass on the line here, so don’t hold back.”
He smiled at her nervous attempt at humor, but his smile faded. “I can’t put my finger on it, but something about the meet doesn’t make sense. This all seems like a dangerous, unnecessary exercise. The Pyramid is risking one of their own being tailed, and all for documents that you could easily have mailed to a temporary drop box of their choosing.”
Alex stiffened in concern. “Then what do you think this is really about?”
“I don’t know.” He rubbed her knee. “Could be they want to see you in person to verify the documents really came from you. They could be counting on you not double-crossing them at the risk of Nicky’s safety. That’s why we included real department intel in the documents. This could all be a test of some sort.”