by Laura Landon
True to her nature, Claire didn’t give up so easily, and tried to touch him again.
Ben brought her hand down again, and this time Claire took the hint. Instead of trying to touch Ben’s face, she grabbed onto his index finger and refused to release it.
“She’s stronger than she looks,” he said as a humorless observation.
“She’s louder, too. And she lets you know her displeasure when she doesn’t get her way.”
He lowered his gaze and studied the strange creature in his lap.
The sight of the two of them appraising each other should have given her cause to hope, but so far, Ben hadn’t indicated one way or the other what he thought of Claire. Claire, however, was mesmerized by him. She watched him with an expression of obvious wonder on her face.
A gentle breeze moved the leaves on the trees, but Rachael couldn’t enjoy the beautiful spring day. Even though the sun shone with a brightness that warmed her throughout her body, the chill that settled inside her refused to go away.
Neither she nor Ben spoke for what seemed an eternity, and Rachael wished time would stand still and they would never have to go forward.
But that wasn’t possible. Ben’s next words proved it.
“What are we going to do?” he asked.
His voice was soft, his head lowered. His eyes focused on the child in his lap.
Little Claire gripped his finger as he moved it up and down and forward and backward. Such a small thing to keep her occupied.
Pretending to concentrate on her fascination with his finger gave Rachael time to consider how she intended to answer him. Because from the day she’d married him, she’d imagined what she’d say if he ever found out about Claire. Unfortunately, knowing what to say didn’t make the words easier to say.
“The decision of what to do is up to you, my lord. I don’t have a choice. I never did. I cannot give up my child. I won’t even consider it. You, however, have choices.”
He turned his head and his gaze met hers. The look in his startling blue eyes was filled with a mix of sadness, regret, betrayal, and something else she didn’t want to acknowledge—rejection.
“You think there are options available to me?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “Three that I can think of.”
His eyebrows lifted. “Would you care to share with me the choices I have?”
Rachael took a deep breath. She wanted to reach for Claire and gather her in her arms. She wanted the comfort that holding her child gave her, because when she explained her husband’s options, her life would change forever. But with little Claire nestled close against Ben, she couldn’t bring herself to take her away. Claire was as satisfied as Rachael had ever seen her. The fact that the babe was struggling to keep her eyes open tugged at Rachael’s heart.
Perhaps his strong, steady heartbeat had lulled her to sleep, like it often did to Rachael when she placed her head on his chest after they’d made love. Or perhaps it was the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he took in one breath after another. Or perhaps it was nothing more than the comfort of being held in his powerful arms that made Claire feel safe and secure.
Rachael had experienced all of these sensations. She knew when she described the choices he had available to him she’d never enjoy the comfort of being held by him again. Nor would she ever find safety in his arms.
“One of your choices,” she began, struggling to keep her voice steady, “is to have our marriage annulled.”
“On what grounds?”
“On the grounds that I…” She swallowed hard and clutched her hands tighter in her lap. “…that you were deceived.”
He looked down at the now sleeping Claire. “Yes, I was deceived, wasn’t I?”
Rachael didn’t answer. She couldn’t.
“My second choice?”
“Divorce. You can apply for a divorce. I’m sure with your father’s influence…” She couldn’t continue. The thought of being divorced from him was something she didn’t want to think of. The public humiliation her parents would suffer was something she didn’t want to consider. The damage it would do to her sisters’ reputations was unimaginable. She knew if he divorced her, her family would hate her. And their hatred would be justified.
She tightened her grip on her fingers and prayed he would not choose to divorce her.
For several long minutes he didn’t speak. It was as if he were considering that option. Her heart thundered louder in her breast.
“And my third option?”
“You could send Claire and me away. Since you indicated your reluctance to marry before our parents forced us to wed, I will agree to go wherever you choose to send me, and you can remain in London. You can live the life you intended to live before our marriage.”
“You won’t object to me taking other lovers?”
Rachael lowered her gaze. “I won’t object. I will no longer have the right to object.”
The words came out pathetically weak and she prayed he didn’t realize how much it pained her to give him permission to take other lovers. The thought of him making love to other women the same as he made love to her clenched at her heart with an unrelenting hold and would not ease.
“And what about you? Do you intend on taking other lovers?”
“No, my lord. I made a vow to remain faithful to you. I will keep my vow.”
“How noble,” he said.
His tone dripped with sarcasm and a piercing knife slashed through her chest. He’d struck with deadly accuracy. Painful enough that Rachael couldn’t find a voice to speak, or words to say.
Claire was sleeping soundly now and he reached for the blanket lying beside them and placed it over her sleeping body. “And what if you are carrying my child?”
Her head snapped up. “I’m not. I… uh… I can’t be… I’m sure—”
“We’ve been married more than a month. Seven weeks, to be precise. Have you had your courses since we married?”
She hesitated. “No, but—”
Rachael’s heart slammed against her ribs, her heart thundered inside her breast. She tried to think, but her mind refused to draw a coherent thought.
She slowly rose to her feet and took several steps away from him. Her hand instinctively pressed against her stomach. She was desperate to have a child that she and Ben had created, but what if he didn’t want any child if she was the mother?
She took several steps away from him, then stopped and looked out over the flowering garden. How could she have let this happen? She should have known that she couldn’t keep Claire a secret from him forever. She should have known that he’d find out, and when he did…
She turned to face him. She prayed the panic she felt wasn’t evident on her face. “We can’t be sure. It’s early yet. Perhaps—”
“You’re right. It’s early yet. There’s no sense worrying over it before we know for sure.”
Rachael couldn’t believe the turn her life had taken. Of course she knew there was the possibility that she could conceive. They’d made love often enough for that to be possible. But she hadn’t thought it would happen already. Except she should have known it could. It had only taken one night with her masked stranger to conceive Claire.
She sank down on the bench beside him. She felt exhausted, as if she’d struggled with a thousand demons…and lost the battle. This day had been one of the most emotional days of her life.
The secret she’d kept hidden for more than a year had been exposed. The relief she’d prayed she’d feel wasn’t there.
She looked at the small, innocent child in Benjamin’s arms and wanted to reach out and take her. She wanted to protect little Claire from all the bad she would have to face because of the circumstances of her birth. Because of a mistake her mother had made. And yet…
Who could protect her better than the man holding her?
“Have you decided what you want to do?” she asked. “I’m sure Alice would make room for us if you don’t want us to go home with y
ou.”
“No, you will not stay here. Neither will the child.”
He looked down at the sleeping child in his arms, then turned his head slowly and pinned her with a look that wasn’t entirely hostile, yet was more hostile than not.
“I’ve learned never to make rash judgments about important matters. Our path will be obvious in time.”
A reprieve. He’d given her a reprieve. He’d given her time before she was forced to leave him.
She wasn’t sure how it had happened, or when. But leaving him would be more difficult than she ever thought it would be. Being separated from him would be like losing a very important part of herself. A part she wasn’t sure she wanted to live without.
Because she knew she would miss him for a lifetime and more.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Benjamin put his wife and her child in a hansom cab, along with her maid, and sent them home. He followed on horseback. When they arrived, a shocked Henley called for Mrs. Bailey, the housekeeper, to have the upstairs maids prepare a room for the child. A nursery of sorts.
Rachael asked that the room be connected to her rooms, then thanked the housekeeper for her assistance.
Benjamin didn’t wait to see what arrangements were being made, but walked to his study and closed the door.
He knew to Rachael it would seem as if he were avoiding her, and he was. He’d had enough shocks for the day. He didn’t need to surround himself with more confusion. Nor did he need to see the adoration in his wife’s eyes when she looked at the babe she’d created with another man. The reminder of what she’d done wasn’t something he wanted to face just now.
He walked to the small table where several bottles of liquor stood and reached for the fullest one. He’d need this and more in order to come to grips with how his life had changed.
Nothing had gone right since his father had informed him that he’d either marry or live in poverty for the rest of his life. Nothing had gone the way he’d expected it to go. The wife he expected to tolerate in a cold, emotionless marriage wasn’t at all what he’d gotten. The wife he intended to keep at arms’ length made that impossible. She’d set down ground rules even before they’d said their vows. She’d demanded that he seek his pleasures only in her bed, and vowed that she would never look for pleasures with anyone else but him.
Then, she’d slowly and methodically insinuated her way into every aspect of his life. Into every corner of his heart. Into everything that was important to him. She’d become more essential than he thought any woman could become. Because of her, he longed for something he’d never thought he’d desire. He wanted a different lifestyle than the one he’d been living.
What did she expect him to do now? How did she expect him to continue their marriage as if nothing had changed between them? There was a child. An illegitimate child. A child that wasn’t his. One that Society would never accept.
Ben picked up his glass and threw a long swallow to the back of his throat. The liquor burned as it went down, then settled in the pit of his stomach like a heavy boulder.
Three options. She’d given him three options. Bloody hell! She might as well have given him thirty to choose from. If none of the options were for her to remain his wife there was no decision to make. He couldn’t give her up. He didn’t want to give her up. Even though she’d given herself to someone else, that was in the past. She was his now and he wouldn’t send her away. He couldn’t send her away.
Just as he couldn’t send the babe away.
That might have been a possibility, if only he hadn’t held her. If only she hadn’t clutched his finger as if it were a lifeline that connected them. If only she hadn’t snuggled against him and fallen asleep in his arms.
How could anything that small and helpless trust a total stranger to keep her safe? It was as if she’d put her brand on him. As if she’d bonded them together with a connection he couldn’t sever.
Ben touched his hand to his cheek where the child had touched him. She’d been fascinated by the feel of his stubbled cheek. He must have seemed a giant to her, yet she’d shown no fear. She investigated him as if he were someone as familiar to her as her mother.
He took another swallow of the brandy in his glass, then hesitated when there was a knock on the door and Henley entered.
“Cook was wondering if you wanted dinner served in the dining room, my lord.”
He shook his head. “Not tonight. I’m not hungry.”
“That’s what her ladyship said.”
“Your mistress isn’t coming down to eat?”
“No, my lord. Her ladyship said she wants to stay close to the babe her first night in a strange house.”
Ben absorbed Henley’s information by refilling his glass and taking a swallow. He didn’t intend to let his glass get empty. Not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe never.
“Will you be needing anything else, my lord?” Henley asked before leaving.
“No,” Ben answered, taking another drink. “I have everything I need.”
“I’ll have a tray brought in later, then, my lord. When the staff takes a tray up to the mistress.”
Ben ignored Henley’s last statement as if it were irrelevant. Because it was.
Henley started to leave, then stopped. “The babe is a bonnie little lassie,” he said. The usually austere butler had a smile on his face. “She has the whole staff tripping over themselves to see to her needs.”
“Does she?” Ben asked as if he doubted what Henley said.
“Oh, yes, my lord. We’re all glad you brought her to us.”
Ben paused with his glass halfway to his mouth. Didn’t the staff realize the babe wasn’t his? Didn’t they know she was a…bastard?
Or was it possible that they knew, and didn’t care.
The door closed behind Henley and Ben rose to his feet. He walked across the room and stopped when he reached the fireplace. He anchored his hands against the mantel and stared at the flames licking upward.
He tried to be angry with Rachael. Tried to blame her for deceiving him. But he couldn’t. All he could think of was how frightened she must have been when she realized that she was carrying a child. How alone she must have felt. How determined she was to keep her condition hidden so even her parents didn’t know. She must have realized that if they knew, they’d take her child away from her and she’d never see it again.
Ben remembered the feel of the babe in his arms. Recalled how content she’d been. How completely she’d trusted that she’d be safe in his arms. That’s because she’d never known fear. She’d never known abandonment. Because Rachael hadn’t let her experience that terror. She’d never put her own needs or reputation above her child’s. He didn’t doubt that. Not for a second.
During the seven weeks that they’d been married, he’d learned several things about her. She wasn’t selfish. She wasn’t self-absorbed. That’s what made her different from females like Julia Bentley and the females she called her friends. Females like them were only interested in the latest fashion, and the latest gossip…as long as it demeaned someone else and not them.
Rachael didn’t have empty space between her ears like most of the females he’d met. She was serious. And intelligent. Perhaps too intelligent. No doubt that’s what set her apart from the others. What caused them to want to disparage her.
Ben recalled the conversation they’d had just that morning during breakfast. They’d discussed… Ben stopped at the thought of their conversation and smiled. They hadn’t had a discussion. They’d argued over an article on trade that was being debated in the House.
Ben held the same opinion as Rachael, but arguing with her was so much more enjoyable than agreeing. Their argument lasted only until she realized what he was doing. Which wasn’t long. Then she playfully punched his arm and frowned, which wrinkled her nose.
He remembered how adorable she’d looked when she did that. It was worth teasing her just to see that expression on her face.
He pushed
himself away from the mantel and sat in one of the large wing chairs angled before the fire. He hadn’t brought his glass with him on purpose. He needed to think. And he needed a clear mind to decide what steps to take.
His mind went back to the shock he’d suffered when he kicked in the door to the house he’d seen her enter, and saw his wife holding a baby in her arms instead of another man. He’d known at that instant that the babe was hers. Not because the infant looked like her. It didn’t have Rachael’s dark hair or bronzed complexion. Besides, as far as he was concerned, babes that age didn’t look like anyone but themselves.
No, what told him the babe was hers was the expression on Rachael’s face when he burst through the door. That special look a mother has for a child she thinks is being threatened.
She wrapped the child in her arms and would have given up her own life before allowing anyone to harm her child.
That was how he knew the child was Rachael’s. And he knew he could never ask her to give the child up. Because she wouldn’t. She would give up the world with him in it before she’d give up her baby.
Now, the only remaining question was, what would he do? Was he willing to raise the child as his own to keep Rachael? Or would he give them both up.
He watched the flames curve and wave in licks of golds and oranges and blues and studied them as if they contained the answer that he needed. But he knew the answer wouldn’t come from the flames. It was a decision he’d have to make on his own.
He pushed himself to his feet and strode across the floor in long, determined steps. He knew the answer. He’d known the answer before he was forced to ask the question. But this wasn’t only his decision to make.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Rachael heard Ben’s footsteps when he came up the stairs. It was well after midnight and she didn’t expect him to stop. He hadn’t been to see her since they’d come home. Nor had he sent word as to his plans for the evening. A part of her wondered if he intended to ever see her again.
She wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. She knew keeping Claire a secret from him was something he’d have a difficult time forgetting. An even more difficult time forgiving.