by W. A. R.
“Miles?” she asked easily, her voice soft, and for a moment she was unsure of whether or not he had heard her until he slowly turned his almost golden eyes to hers. He smiled at her, and quickly she thrust her hand out, guns in holsters and on the belt she held tightly in her hand. She cleared her throat as his eyes traveled down to her hand, his smile slowly fading away. Once his eyes hit the guns, his eyes darted back to hers. “These belong to you.” She told him and he straightened, unsure of whether or not he should take them. After a moment, he slowly reached up and took the belt from her fingers. It was in that moment, as the leather slid from her fingertips, she knew what it was, why it was so damned hard to give those guns back. Because they were a part of him…the only part of him she had after he had been taken, after he had ‘died’, aside from the music box. She had to accept the fact that he was alive and that the plan wasn’t a total failure. And yet still, she couldn’t help but feel that even though he was there, she had still lost him.
“Thank you.” He told her softly, his eyes settling on hers for a long moment. She noted that he didn’t ask how she had gotten them, and she saw in his eyes that he wasn’t going to, though he wanted to. He was giving her the time she needed, just as she had given him, and he was being patient with her. That fondness, that closeness they shared, reminded her of so many things she had tried pushing from her mind in her desperate attempts at placing distance between them. She felt a flush crawl up her neck and quickly she cleared her throat. He hadn’t missed this, however, and one side of his mouth quirked up into a smile as he stared down at her. It made her squirm. “You know, I thought these were gone forever until I saw you again?” he asked her, and she shrugged, placing her hands on her hips. Why was she even still standing there? He tore his gaze from her and began fastening the belt around his waist. Her eyes strayed to his motions, her focus on the sway of the guns as he tightened the belt, on how snug they hung on his hips. Before she realized, however, he was done and pulling a gun from its holster. Her eyes followed the gun, flashes of the barrel pressed to the underside of her chin making her wince. He snapped open the chamber and looked in, frowning. “I will definitely need some ammo for these.” He paused and stole a glance at Michael. “I’m taking my guns and a pair of daggers as well.” And at this Michael nodded and turned back to Riley discussing other matters. Miles turned back to his gun and with a flick of his wrist jerked the chamber shut. Amber, however, was still enthralled with the memory of the trigger being squeezed and how it had failed. So much blood…there had been so much blood after that.
She wasn’t sure what compelled her to say what she said next but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “He tried to kill me with that gun.” She said quickly, as if the words had been building inside of her and simply couldn’t be held back anymore. Miles’s eyes had widened at her words, and his hand on the gun tightened. Amber let her gaze travel up to meet his as he stared down at her. She wondered what he saw. She knew her face was scarred three times over from the battles she had faced. She knew her expression was tired and fleeting, and she certainly knew her shoulders sagged with the weight of the world, even as she did her best to appear stronger than she was. She cleared her throat, feeling the need to explain why she had kept them from him these past two days to begin with, to explain how they had ended up in her possession. “After you were, uh, taken…they came for us…we had a plan and…” she fidgeted, her fingers running through her short brown hair as she looked everywhere but at him. He had lowered the gun back into its holster and crossed his arms, his eyes intently on her. “Anyways…he had your guns…” she was stammering. Why was it so difficult to talk about these things?
“She told him they didn’t belong to him.” Buddy said from the other end of the bed of the truck. Amber stilled, glancing at him but he never took his eyes from the daggers in his hands. “I’ll be taking these and a rifle.” He said to Michael, whose eyes glanced over his weapons of choice before nodding. Rusty looked up from Buddy then to where Amber and Miles stood. Buddy never looked at them. “He went in the house, saw Damien, came back and she pushed him and pushed him, pissing him off until he put the gun under her chin and pulled the trigger.” Amber shifted on her feet, her eyes narrowing to slits at Buddy, who paid her no mind. She really wished people would remain quiet about it all. How could she talk about it whenever someone else always had to intervene? He glanced at her easily and shrugged. “What? It isn’t like you were going to tell anybody anything anyways.” Pause. “You never do.”
His words were like a slap to the face. “What are you talking about?”
He turned to her fully then, giving her his full attention across the distance of Lacy and Miles. “Just that the plan with Michael, you constantly disappearing, your feelings, what you’ve done…you haven’t told anyone anything. You’re full of secrets.” And she had to admit that he was right. He was right and she was so pent up with frustration and heartache that it was making her lose sight of who she was. She knew that he was upset, that his irritation stemmed from being kept in the dark, from his concern, and she very well couldn’t blame him for that. But she also knew that he would get over it in time. His eyes softened as he watched her irritation fade. He shrugged. “It is what it is though. You’re alive. We’re alive. That’s all that really matters.” Another pause and he grinned finally, truly reminding her of her friend before turning back to his gun, pulling the bolt back and revealing the chamber. “But regardless, that is what happened. He tried to kill her and it didn’t work.”
Rusty stood and laughed roughly and Amber cut her eyes to him. “You do have a tendency to aggravate people to that extent.” Amber flashed daggers at him and he turned away, hands in the air in a defensive posture. “Just sayin’.” A clearing of a throat caught her attention and she jerked her eyes back to Miles.
She expected Miles to get angry, to do anything else to vent his frustrations, but instead, all he did was smile warmly at her, smirking really, his eyes holding a mischievous glint. “Thank God I emptied the bullets before they made it back to you,” he muttered lowly, chuckling a little in spite of himself. He shifted on his feet and looked down at her. “I mean, really considering everything, do you have a death wish?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she snapped and he merely chuckled at her.
“Nothing. You’re alive. You’re welcome…again.” He said and she felt her jaw go slack. He had glanced over to Michael before turning back to her. At her expression, he laughed. Though she didn’t want to admit it, it was nice to see him revert to his old self. So why was she having such a hard time doing so? Still, she could see the demons that were warring within him behind the façade of happiness in his eyes.
“I should have never opened my mouth.” She muttered, turning to leave, clearly irritated with him. But his words grated on her nerves. He remained silent, watching her with interest, as did Rusty as she walked to the front of the truck. The further she walked, the more it irked her that he had yet to respond, that his words had set her on edge. Before she knew what had come over her she whipped back around to face him, her face flushed. He smiled at her and she knew, she knew she was playing into his little game but she couldn’t help herself. “What do you mean again?” she asked heatedly.
He smiled at her, revealing his straight white teeth. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”
She flushed an even deeper shade of scarlet as Rusty laughed. “I agree.”
“Not now Rusty.” Both Amber and Miles said to him, rolling their eyes. Amber suddenly felt a smile tug on her lips and she tried to conceal it. Miles’s eyes sparkled at this, and he narrowed his eyes at her, his posture almost as if he were ready to pounce. Like a tiger stalking its prey. She knew she shouldn’t have turned around and given into his game.
It still didn’t stop her from asking again though. “You didn’t answer the question.”
He shrugged and grinned at her, reminding her of the young boy. “I can’t help it you�
�re a distraction.”
“You are avoiding it.”
“Not avoiding…just…”
“Just what?” she finished for him and he smiled at her.
“Well...we can call it teasing if you like.”
“You’re teasing me?”
His eyes twinkled mischievously. “I might be.”
She turned then, rolling her eyes and stepping from him. His face screwed up as if offended or hurt. “Fine.” She said, playing her own game.
He sighed and began speaking, causing her to turn around and face him in triumph. “Because every single time you are close to death, I am involved in saving your life, whether directly or indirectly.” He told her and she thrust her fists to her sides, her mouth hanging open for a moment. She closed it briefly before opening it again, trying to find the words, any words that would prove him wrong but there were none. Quickly she closed her mouth again. He laughed at her then and she frowned.
“No…there was…” she paused, her mind running a mile a minute to prove him wrong.
He shook his head. “Jenson’s? It was me that saved you. The Biters? My distraction. The lake? Me again. Lance? My gun. The bridge? My son.” He smirked at her and she furrowed her brows at him. He was right; completely right, but he didn’t realize that everything he had said was completely reversed on him as well. This knowledge brought a willing smile to her face, her eyes devious as she watched his grin disappear. She felt powerful, playful even as she smirked at him, crossing her arms across her chest as she stepped closer to him, exuding her confidence.
“The Biter? I killed it, both the one that ran at you and the giant one that Buddy’s group led to us…”
“Hey now…” Buddy began from his spot but Amber never faltered.
“Being held prisoner? A plan I worked out with the others.” She paused, her eyes meeting his as he grinned down at her. He took a step forward, his hands lowering to his sides. She allowed her eyes to trail down to his chest for a moment, feeling her own heart beat quickly at his proximity. When was the last time he had touched her? When had he last touched her so intimately? The flush spread to her face before she locked her gaze with his again. “So, you’re welcome.”
“That’s all you’ve got?” he asked playfully.
Derek’s words echoed in her ears and she smiled genuinely at him. “Not to mention how many times I have saved you from yourself.”
“And how many times I will continue doing the same for you.” He said and she felt the sincerity with which he had said the words. She knew that he was implying her current situation, but it didn’t make her uncomfortable, as other conversations had. Instead, she felt as if she were once again standing with a best friend, a confidante; she was herself and he was really and truly there.
“Is that what you are trying to do?” she asked and he lifted a curious brow at her.
“It might be.”
She chuckled. “You lost this round.” She said, referring to the fact that she had given in to his little game. He shifted on his feet a little and she felt suddenly as if she were on display again.
“No, I think I won.” His voice rumbled and she felt her chest tighten. What did he mean? He smiled at her again, as if he could read her mind. “See that there?”
She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “See what?” she asked and he chuckled.
“You. Amber. You’re still there and you just proved it. I consider that a victory.” He told her and her eyes widened at his words. He leaned forward just the slightest and she could feel his breath warm on her cheek. Another smirk. “Thank you for my guns.” He told her roughly before turning to Michael. Michael smiled and leaned over the side of the truck. Amber shifted on her feet and Miles scooted down, making room for her and grinned at her. She went to make a move toward him when Riley’s voice stopped her.
“Now that everyone has their weapons,” he said, effectively silencing them all, and Amber glanced over at Lacy. In her hands were two revolvers and on the side of the truck, a dagger. She settled the guns on the side of the truck and Amber nodded to herself, appreciating her choice in weapons. “There are a few more things to go over and start applying to daily life.”
“What else is there?” Buddy asked incredulously and Amber studied him. How did he really think that they were going to storm in without going over anything first? There had to be a plan and it had to be very detailed…otherwise it would all fail.
Riley must have thought the same thing she did as he replied. “Are you sure you should be going on this mission?”
Buddy appeared offended. “Why not?”
“You did not just ask that, did you?” Rusty admonished. “We have to be very particular about this. There is one hell of a lot we have to go over.”
Buddy groaned. “I know that…but today?”
Riley shook his head. “No, today all we are doing is distributing weapons like previously said and developing names and back stories.” Amber felt her gut clench and she stepped back. Miles tossed her a curious glance because she knew where this conversation was going; she could feel it. She was scared then, so very worried because she knew that they would become disgusted. Quickly, she made a move to leave the side of the truck where Miles and Buddy rested, wanting to rush to settle herself beside Michael and Riley, knowing that they would protect her, that they would stop all the actions and words of hate that would be thrown her way. Miles, however, had other plans and lightning fast he reached out and caught her wrist. She froze, her lips parted as her skin tingled like an electric current where he touched her. Her heart hammered away nervously within her chest.
“Stay.” He mouthed to her silently, pulling against her resistance. His eyes dug into hers and she swallowed nervously, unsure. His expression was pleading and promising her the protection and security that she felt she needed. After glancing at the others, she took a tentative step forward, her pulse racing, and she allowed him just this little part of herself, her acceptance. Who was she kidding? She could never deny him, stay away from him. And when his large fingers filled the spaces between her smaller ones, she was held prisoner.
The gesture was so intimate and personal that she felt as if the world could see her heart, as if she were flayed open and bare for all to see and yet…he was the only one to witness it. He could see it. He always had been able to. This motion, this action was laced with so much understanding and emotion that she wondered if he knew why she was afraid, if he knew everything that settled so heavily on her to begin with. She knew he couldn’t however, but still…that thought rested with her. This gesturing, the twining of their hands, was so much deeper than anything she had encountered before and she wondered why it was so. She inhaled heavily then and turned to the others. She would have to search her heart for the answer to that question later…when her mind and heart weren’t screaming at her. This escaped no one’s notice but not a word was said about it.
“You can choose your own names, with one exception. All we have to do is go over them today, repeatedly.” Rusty shared, making Amber grimace.
“Sounds easy enough.” Lacy said, straightening her stature.
“This has to be flawless. There can be no indication of who you are.” Rusty informed her, causing her to flinch a little at her words.
“Which means,” Michael drew out the word, catching everyone’s attention and Amber had to smile. Like his father, he was a born leader, someone to admire and follow. “We have to go over these over and over again. Throughout the month, before we leave, we have set up for random people from the community to ask you detailed questions about your past to help prepare you and every night we will go over them together. We cannot falter in this. At all.”
“Alright…” Buddy trailed off and Amber sighed.
“Adrian is a smart man. He will know.” Rusty said evenly, glancing at Amber and for a moment she felt sick. “They all will. They may be violent and brutal, but they are intelligent. Don’t underestimate them.”
“So why not kill him and run, get it over with?” Lacy asked and suddenly all eyes fell to her and silence reigned for a long moment before Michael answered.
“Because killing him won’t work. Not until we are able to change the minds of his people. Without that, we won’t even be able to make it two steps without dying. As Rusty said, he’s smart. This will have to be a process. If we do that…there are many innocent people that will die.” He explained in the quickest and easiest way possible and Amber was sure that Lacy didn’t fully understand. Still, she continued with their previous topic.
“We not only have to know our own back stories; we have to know the others too. It should be relatively easy considering most of them are intertwined and relatable to our own personal pasts. We were a group traveling together before we found these guys and we have to make it believable.” Amber told them and she caught the widening of their eyes as they each realized part of the gravity of the situation.
Miles’s fingers left their place and his fingertips trailed up to her wrist before leaving her completely. She instantly missed his touch and yet was grateful for it. The closer she was to him, the more risk that would be put on his life. She cleared her throat and took a step back from him. His eyes darkened and she stopped instantly though nonchalantly, only so that he and she were the only ones that knew she didn’t intend to. She could almost read his mind: Just because I let you go doesn’t mean I want you to leave. She straightened and licked her lips, glancing up at Rusty.
“We won’t go over those back stories until tonight, though. For now, we go over the names while we begin to carry out the distributing of weapons. Two birds, one stone.” She said, reaching toward the gun that Rusty now held out to her. Michael nodded at her, uncertainty and understanding in his eyes. He wanted her to tell them, to admit everything but she couldn’t. Instead, she silently wrapped her fingers around the butt and barrel of the gun. She took it and two more, slinging them on her shoulders before receiving a bag of screwdrivers and hammers as well to carry. She turned from the others and began towards the front of the truck; the subject having been dropped. She hoped they continued with the plan and didn’t dwell on specifics. Maybe they would never have to find out. Still, she knew they couldn’t leave them in the dark and she would have to tell them eventually, before they left to go to the compound for their own safety. Another brick in the wall.