by Rye Hart
I could feel it, that white-hot sensation in my abdomen. My heels propped up on his strong shoulders, and he raised up, bending me in half and rendering me motionless. His hands pinned my hips, and his thumbs caressed the backs of my thighs. I felt my world spinning and colliding, shattering into pieces as electricity shot through my brain. My mouth opened and my eyes screwed shut. My toes curled into his skin as his tongue pressed deep into my pussy.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to feel it.
“Yes, baby. Yes. I’m coming. I’m coming. I’m com—”
CHAPTER 1
CINDY
“Mommy, is Grandma gonna be okay?”
“Why would you ask that, Lily?”
“She seemed sad when we left.”
“She’s always sad when you leave, honeybee. She misses you when you’re gone,” I said.
“So, nothing bad happened?” Lily asked.
“No, sweetie. Nothing bad happened.”
“Why doesn’t Grandma come to visit us then?” she asked.
“Because Grandma can’t move as easily as we can.”
“Are you calling her old?”
“No. Grandma’s not old. She’s got a lot more life in her, but that doesn’t mean she can move like we can.”
“Is that why Grandma always only wants to rock and read me a story?” she asked.
“Maybe Grandma likes reading to you. What’s wrong with that?”
“Sometimes, I wanna run around outside with her.”
“Then ask her to do that next time. Grandma might have to sit on the porch, but she’ll watch you while you do it.”
“Will you run around with me outside?” she asked.
“We can play tag when we get home. How does that sound?”
“Yeah! Tag with Mommy!”
I looked into the rearview mirror and took in my daughter’s eyes. Lillian looked just like me. Auburn hair, apple cheeks, and fair skin that held a tan instead of burning in the sun. But she didn’t have my eyes. They weren’t a sea green like mine. She had her father’s eyes, that crisp sky blue I’d fallen in love with all those years ago.
Even though he’d been gone a year, it still hurt to look into my daughter’s eyes.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, honeybee?”
“Why do you call me honeybee?” Lily asked.
“Do you want me to call you something else?” I asked.
“Grandma calls me princess.”
“Well, that’s Grandma’s nickname for you. That’s why I don’t call you princess.”
“Daddy called me princess.”
I gripped my steering wheel hard as tears brewed behind my eyes.
“That he did,” I said.
“Does Grandma call me princess because Daddy isn’t here to do it anymore?” Lily asked.
“I think so, yes.”
“Do you not call me princess because it hurts to say it because Daddy’s gone?”
My daughter always had a way of reminding me that she had her father’s intuitive spirit. She was remarkable for her age.
“A little bit,” I said. “But I’m fine.”
“I miss Daddy.”
“I miss him, too, honeybee.”
“You wanna know what I miss the most?” Lily asked.
“What’s that?”
“I miss his coffee.”
“What?” I asked.
“The way his coffee smelled. You drink gross coffee. It’s all black and nasty. But Daddy’s coffee always smelled like flowers.”
“Flowers,” I said.
“Mhm. Like the flowers we have in our backyard.”
“I don’t think Daddy’s coffee smelled like flowers. I think his hair smelled like flowers.”
“No, Mommy. It was his coffee. I know. I tasted it.”
“You drank Daddy’s coffee?” I asked.
“It was only one time! It was still gross, but it tasted like it smelled.”
“You’re a little booger, you know that?”
She giggled and stuck her tongue out at me playfully. I laughed and shook my head as we turned onto our street. I kept my eyes on the road as my daughter started singing to herself. She was starting kindergarten in a week, and I couldn’t believe the time had flown by so quickly. She was growing so big, and her language skills exceeded most her peers. At one point I was afraid she would fall behind.
When her father died, she stopped talking altogether for several months, and I was worried she would regress in all the progress we’d made with her. Instead, when she did start talking again, she was using words I hadn’t even known she knew. It was like conversing with a teenager sometimes.
“Mommy, look!”
I shook my head as I pulled into the driveway, my eyes scanning the scene in front of me.
“Nikki!” Lily said.
I saw my best friend waving from the porch as she jumped off the side. She came running up to Lillian’s door and ripped it open, unstrapping the girl from her car seat. The two of them hugged and kissed on one another as I got out of the car. Seeing them like this always warmed my heart.
I shut the car door and listened to it heave and groan like it was protesting the fact that it was still in use.
“You really need a new car,” Nicole said.
“Maybe but I can’t afford that right now. I need to work on getting this house paid off first,” I said.
“Aunt Nikki, you wanna play tag with me and Mommy?” Lily asked.
Nicole gave me a dubious look before she planted a kiss on my daughter’s cheek.
“It’s almost dinnertime, so how about this? You go inside and get changed and then figure out what you want for dinner. Then, after dinner, we’ll run around for a bit. How does that sound?” Nicole asked.
“Yay! I’m going to go change!”
Lillian wiggled out of Nicole’s grasp before she held out her hand for my keys. I rolled my eyes and plopped them into her hand and then watched my daughter unlock the front door. From not even crawling to speaking in coherent sentences to being well beyond her years in occupational therapy, it was a miracle what Bradley and I were able to accomplish with her.
It pained me to know that he wouldn’t be here to see her off to her first day of kindergarten.
“How you holding up?” Nicole asked.
“It’s hard, going and seeing Bradley’s mom. He looked so much like her,” I said.
“It’s good for Lily to have a relationship with them, though.”
“I’d never keep her from them, Nikki. They’re family, and they adore Lily.”
“But I know it’s not easy on you. I wanna make sure you’re okay,” she said.
“Thanks. I appreciate it. But shouldn't you be at work?”
“Eh, figured I could use a day off. Tuesdays are my slowest days anyway. I wanted to make sure you guys got back in okay.”
“I love you,” I said. “You know that?”
“I know. Which is why we’re having wine tonight. Got it chilling in the fridge.”
“You're the best.”
I heard a door slam open, and I whipped my head around. My nosey neighbor was charging out of her house and making her way to mine. I furrowed my brow in confusion as her eyes swept over my car. I watched her nose crinkle almost in disgust, and part of me wanted to slap her.
Yes, my car was old. Yes, it was rusting on the undercarriage. But it was all I could afford after selling off everything to try and pay down as much of the mortgage on our house as I could.
When Bradley died, I had to take any job I could. Nicole hired me as a part-time employee until I could find something better, but no one wanted to hire a full-time mom with no work experience for any full-time position in this town. I sold off all I could, bought the cheapest car I trusted to haul my daughter around, and then threw everything else at our debt.
I knocked out most of it, but I still had forty thousand left on our mortgage to get rid of.
“Welcome back,” said the neighbor.
> “Thank you,” I said.
“How was the drive?”
“It was fine.”
“In that car?” she asked.
“Yes. It gets me from point A to B safely. That’s all I can ask for.”
“Where’d you guys head off to?”
None of your damn business.
“Lily’s grandmother’s place.”
“Your mother or in-laws?” she asked.
“My in-laws. Technically.”
“You separated or something? I can sympathize. I’ve been separated twice.”
I looked over at Nicole, and she held her hands up. I watched her backtrack onto the porch and catch Lily just as she was heading out the door.
Nicole was trying to convince Lily to go inside with her so they could start cooking dinner, which I knew would result in Nicole simply ordering pizza.
“Or something,” I said.
I watched my neighbor nod her head as she took one last look at my car. She was new to the neighborhood. At least, new to me. I grew up here. My life with Bradley bounced me around to all sorts of places around the country.
Base life wasn’t the most glamorous thing, but we always talked about how we wanted to raise Lily near family. I grew up in Bend, Oregon, a town of ninety-one thousand people but the feel of small-town living. It was where I’d made my life. It was where I’d first met Bradley. It was the place I’d dreamed of getting back to whenever we wanted to settle our family down.
One more deployment.
All we had to do was get through one more deployment.
“You okay?”
My neighbor’s voice pulled me from my trance as I met her gaze.
“Oh yes I’m fine, thank you,” I said. “If you don’t mind, I’m gonna go inside and make up some dinner.”
“You mean order pizza.”
I eyed the woman carefully as I took a step back from her.
“Your friend stepped out on the porch and asked you what kind of pizza you wanted. Went back in when you didn’t answer. You okay?” she asked again.
“Uh-huh,” I said. “Well, then yes. Pizza. I should probably go.”
“Sure. One thing, though. Your car was humming down the street. You should probably get it looked at. It’s going to kick up a fuss with the neighborhood if you don’t.”
I had a feeling the only person who would kick up a fuss was her.
“Yeah. I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.”
I stumbled up the porch steps and shoved into the house. Nicole rushed to my side, locking the door behind me as Lily sat at the table. She was playing with her dolls and talking about how much pizza she was going to eat, and I was glad she was distracted.
I was still very unsettled by my neighbor’s intrusion.
“Okay, I love you. So I’m going to say this with all my heart. You need a damn security system up in the place, girl.”
“You gonna pay for it?” I asked.
“You need to protect yourself and your daughter. Look, I know you guys have only been back in town for a couple of months, but that woman isn’t right. She’s way too nosey for her own good. No wonder she’s had so many divorces. They probably couldn’t shut her up.”
I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to argue about the security system in front of Lily. She didn’t need to hear anything that would cause her worry.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” I said, sighing.
“Why don’t you keep pursuing your bed and breakfast plans?” Nicole asked.
“Been a bit preoccupied lately,” I said.
“You know you can do it, even on your own. Right?”
“I honestly don’t know. Maybe, one day I will try again. But right now, there are more immediate things that need to be tended to.”
“Like?”
“Bills, Nicole. Those things I have to pay on a monthly basis.”
“Bradley would’ve wanted you to—”
I took a peek at Lily to make sure she wasn’t hearing our conversation by the front door.
“He always encouraged you to be independent. He loved that fire about you. Seeing you chained to a job you hated would break him inside,” Nicole said.
“He also understood a sense of duty and a need to provide for his family, Nikki. I’ve got to dig myself out from underneath this mortgage before I essentially take on another one for a bed and breakfast. It’s just going to take time.”
“But how much time? No offense, but we’re not getting any younger babe,” Nicole said.
“The point is, I’m working on it. Slowly, but it’s happening.”
Knowing that arguing with me was futile, Nicole switched tactics. “You should get the guy next door to give your nosey neighbor a stern talking to.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“While you were gone, a new guy moved in next door. I came by to check him out for you. Make sure he was all right.”
“You came over to see if he was sexy enough for you to waste your time on,” I said with a grin.
“That too. And by the way? It’s hard to see behind all that hair of his. He’s gruff and rugged. Got a beard and all that shit.”
“God forbid a man have body hair.”
“Body hair. Not facial hair. Clean that shit up. He could be a serial killer,” she said.
“Nicole. Lily’s at the table,” I said.
“Sorry. But, you should make friends with him and get him to talk to your neighbor. I bet she’d back down.”
“That intimidating?”
“Yes, which is another reason you should get a security system.”
“You want my neighbor to be an attack dog for my other neighbor while I guard myself against both of them?” I asked.
“A woman can never be too careful,” she said with a grin.
“So I take it you’ve dug into this guy with your super-secret spy skills?” I asked.
“A bit. I don’t think he has a job or anything around here yet. At least, not a job anyone knows about. But he’s already ruffled a few feathers.”
“How long has he been in town?” I asked.
“A couple months. Was renting a place closer to town until this past weekend when he moved next door. But people are talking.”.”
“People around here talk if you wear white after Labor Day for Christ sake.”
“Either way, the rumors aren’t good. He’s gruff and rather unfriendly. He cussed out old man Dillard the other day, apparently.”
“In his defense, we all want to cuss out old man Dillard,” I said.
“Beside the point.”
“No, exactly the point. Have you actually met this man? I mean, gone up and shaken his hand?”
“No, but I know—”
“Then you can’t judge him by the rumor mill. This town talks. It always does. And sometimes, it has a good reason to talk. But usually, it doesn’t. Just a bunch of bored old biddies with nothing better to do than make up some juicy stories to pass around the knitting circle,” I said.
“You still need that security system,” Nicole said.
“I’ll wait for that winning lottery ticket, and I’ll get one,” I said.
“Mommy, when’s the pizza gonna get here?”
I looked up and saw Lillian’s beautiful blue eyes staring back at me, full of her father’s spirit and calm.
I felt my heart leap against my chest as I smiled at her.
“Soon, booger. Soon.”
I watched a smile spread across her cheeks as a knock came at the door.
“Pizza delivery.”
“Just a second!” Nicole said.
“I can get dinner,” I said.
“Nope. You need to save up for that security system. I’ve got dinner tonight,” she said.
Nicole meant well.
She always did.
She always knew what was best for me.
I just hoped she wasn’t right about the mysterious man from out of town.
CHAPTER 2
GRAHAM
I sat bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring down my face.
Another fucking nightmare.
It was the same dreadful day that replayed like a broken record. Like a curse.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and looked at the clock on the bedside table.
Four in the damn morning.
I got up and walked to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror. The bags under my eyes made me look much older than my thirty-eight years. I rose to my full height of six three and studied my reflection. My dark brown hair was tousled from sleep, and my deep blue eyes were haunted.
All I made time for these mornings was my therapy of hitting the weights hard to take out my frustrations. My efforts resulted in well-muscled arms and a sculpted chest that narrowed to a V at my waist. I scrubbed a hand over my beard and sighed deeply.
It was the third time I had the nightmare in one week. Over the past year-and-a-half, the nightmare played out in my dreams and woke me from a dead sleep.
Knowing I wouldn’t be able to go back to bed, I climbed in the shower to wash the sweat and the haunted memories from my body and mind. The soap and water cascaded down my broad chest and thick thighs, and I scrubbed myself as if I could physically remove the memories.
It never worked.
Nothing worked.
I didn’t want it to work.
I coveted the pain.
The torment.
Pain was my way of seeking redemption. Redemption that I knew would never come.
I was living in my own personal hell, in the third town I’d moved to since that horrible night. I had to leave the place I’d once called home. It reeked of too many memories.
Too much guilt.
Too much innocence lost.
I walked to my kitchen to brew coffee, needing to kill time before Daniel would be awake in a few hours. He’d be up by five am his time. The Agency engrained that in him, just like it had in me.
Now, I was up before sunrise every damn day, but not because I had someplace to be. My mind was overwhelmed with memories that haunted me.
My little boy, Kason, had been sick that morning. He’d woken with a fever and his eyes crusted shut. I was pretty certain that he’d had pink eye, and my wife, Cary, had wanted to take him to the doctor to get checked out.